Mattie

by Jeanie P Johnson

“You all right?” he asked at last. “I know how you felt about Dusty,” Matthew said.

  “No, you didn’t, Matthew. You didn’t know how I felt about Dusty. You didn’t know how I felt about anything! He offered to let me stay at his ranch and help him get it started again. I was going to use my stud and he was going to get a mare. We were going to raise Appaloosas together. He got me a pup, Matthew. I realized how much he loved me and he wasn’t even demanding that I love him back. I realized then that I loved him and I didn’t even know it. I had been all tangled up about how I thought I loved you. Dusty and I were going to get married. He took me to get my daddy’s permission, only my daddy said he was dying of liver disease and wanted me to stay and take care of him before he died. Turns out my daddy lied and Dusty got killed. It was my fault for bringing him out here. We should have just waited until I was eighteen. I should never have come back!”

  Matthew pulled the truck over to the side of the road.

  “I knew Dusty deserved you more than I did, Mattie. He understood you. He tried to explain to me about how you felt and how to let you be who you really were. I understand what you loved about him. Everyone liked Dusty. He always kept everyone happy. The day you took off, he slugged me for upsetting you. I knew then that he loved you as much as I did. We are all going to miss him, Mattie.”

  Mattie started sobbing and Matthew pulled her into his arms.

  “Don’t cry, sweetcakes. Crying won’t bring him back. He deserved to have you and you deserved to have him. I wish you could have married him. As much as I love you, I would have wished you happiness.”

  “It’s my fault. I wanted him to have sex with me and he wanted to marry me first, or at least have permission to marry me. I shouldn’t have asked him to do that, Matthew. We would never have come here if I hadn’t tried to push him into making love to me.”

  “Mattie, Mattie. It wasn’t your fault. It could have happened anytime, anywhere. Don’t blame yourself.”

  “I named the pup Hope because he gave me hope. Now there is no more hope, Matthew. I don’t think I can go on without him.”

  “I’ll help you, Mattie. I’ll help you get through it. By the look of your suitcase, I take it you don’t plan to come back here again.”

  She shook her head.

  “Where are you going to go?”

  “I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far in advance. I just got to get through one day at a time, right now.”

  “Stay at the Double D. Mattie. My dad misses you. He said he wanted you to stay if I could talk you into it and he’s fixing up a room in the house for you.”

  “I really like your Dad,” Mattie said softly.

  “Then you’ll stay?”

  “Until I decide what to do,” she agreed.

  “You know you will always have a job at the Double D. if you want it. Maybe you could end up getting an Appaloosa horse ranch someday, after all.”

  “I don’t want one without Dusty,” she sobbed.

  “Don’t worry about it then. You are right. You should just take it a day at a time.”

  He kissed her cheek and slowly released her, handing her a Kleenex from a container on the dash. She took it and wiped her eyes and blew her nose, then he steered back out onto the highway again.

  Matthew’s heart went out to her and he realized what it was that Dusty had, which he didn’t, and why Mattie probably would never love him the way she loved Dusty, no matter how much he loved her. He wondered if he had lost her forever?

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Mattie looked out the bedroom window, down upon the pasture where Apache was grazing with other horses from the Double D. Hope was curled up on the rug. He seemed to be growing by leaps and bounds and was twice as big as he was when Dusty first gave him to her. It had been a week since Dusty’s funeral and Mattie had spent most of her time in her room with Hope. She hadn’t worked any horses or rode Apache. All she could think about was skinny dipping with Dusty and all the wonderful things he had taught her about what real love was all about. She savored the way his hands had felt upon her, and the way he always called her Sugar or Darlin’. If anyone else ever called her by those names, she would just burst out in tears, she thought.

  At first, the boys tried to cheer her up, but they realized she had lost some of her spit and vinegar, along with that self-confident kind of way she had of approaching everything. She didn’t flirt with the boys or insist on staying in the bunkhouse with them. She barely talked to Matthew but she knew he was constantly watching her. She knew he didn’t know what to say to her and she didn’t know what to say to him either. Her whole life seemed to be consumed with missing Dusty and nothing could bring her out of the fog that fell around her, the moment she discovered he had died.

  “She needs to mourn, Matthew,” Daniel said, as they looked up to see her staring down from the window. “No telling how long it will take. She only knew Dusty a week, but whatever she felt for him, it really grabbed her good, so we will just have to wait and see what happens.”

  “I don’t know what to do to comfort her,” Matthew said. “She seems to be a stranger to me now.”

  “Give it time. No use rushing her out of her funk. She’ll pull herself out when she’s ready to,” Daniel advised.

  “You two can just stop talking about me.”

  They both turned to see Mattie standing on the porch with her pup at her heels. Neither of them said anything.

  “Anyone been working with Patches?” she asked, after a moment of silence.

  Daniel shook his head.

  “She was your project. No one wants to touch her. She don’t take to them kissing her, anyhow,” Daniel grinned.

  “Guess I’ll go give her a kiss then,” Mattie said and they watched her walk out to the paddock where Patches was kept.

  Mattie put the bridle on Patches and then the saddle, leading her into the round pen. She took two long strips of rawhide and attached them to the bit, ran them through the stirrups of the saddle and then clicked her tongue to make Patches walk the ring, while she followed behind the horse, gently pulling on one long rein, to get Patches to turn her head in that direction and then pulling on the other to get Patches to turn back the other way.

  “Guess she’s out of her funk,” Matthew said quietly.

  “Or she’s working through it, anyway,” Daniel offered.

  “You know, she told me that Dusty was going to get a mare in order for her to breed Apache to and start an Appaloosa ranch. I remember Dusty talking about this Appaloosa mare that would be perfect to breed Apache to and he was thinking of buying her. I think I know who has that mare for sale.”

  “You thinking of buying it?” Daniel asked, gazing at his son with a smile on his face.

  “Think it would help? She needs something more than Patches to keep her from mourning for the rest of her life.”

  “I think you are starting to learn, son,” Daniel said. “Just figure out what Dusty would do. When she was all unhappy and took off, Dusty got her that pup. He seemed to know how to cheer her up. I guess you could take a couple of lessons from him.”

  “He kept telling me the right way to handle her and I wouldn’t listen,” Matthew said. “Like he said, my pride just got in the way. Guess I am going to have to dampen down that stupid pride of mine,” he admitted.

  “Good luck, Matthew. I don’t know how easy it’s going to be, to get Mattie back to being herself again, but I think getting that Mare for her might help.”

  “If she’ll take her.”

  “Let her know it was the mare Dusty was going to buy. That might help.”

  “Dusty could have made her happy,” Matthew said under his breath.

  “Well, I guess it’s up to you now, if you truly love her, Matthew. Just take it nice and slow. Show her how you love her, don’t tell her how much you love her until she is ready to hear it.”

  “Yeah, I see what you mean. Dusty loved her, but he never said anything to me about it. Only when he slugged
me, I knew, and I was so jealous that he knew what she needed, while I didn’t, that I didn’t know what to do with my anger.”

  “I guess Dusty has taught us all a good lesson. God must have thought he was too good for this earth and took him home.”

  “Well, I may not be too good for this earth,” Matthew whispered, trying to hold back the tears that stung his lids, “But I just want to be good enough to share what time I have on this earth with that little angel over there.”

  A few days later, Mattie was sitting on the front porch in one of the rockers with Daniel. She liked the fact that he never pressed her for anything. He didn’t talk much, and when he did, it was mostly about the horses and what his future plans were concerning the ranch.

  “There’s a bunch of Mustangs that need rounding up,” he was telling her. “If we don’t get to them, the government will just slaughter them and send them to the glue factory. We plan to go out and get the lot, separate the ones that have the best conformation and train them, then adopt the rest of them out to folks who want a cheap horse to train. The boys were going to go out next week to do it. You think you would be up to helping them?” he asked, as he turned towards her.

  “How long do they stay out there rounding them up?” she wanted to know.

  “As long as it takes. Depends on how far they have to go to find the herd and then how hard it’s gonna be to herd them all back here.”

  “Might be sorta fun,” Mattie said absently.

  She noticed Matthew at the gate pulling a horse trailer. He had taken off before she had come down, but Daniel never said anything about where he had gone and she hadn’t asked.

  “Looks like Matthew’s back,” Daniel said and got up, walking down the steps of the porch to the yard, where Matthew had pulled up and had shut down the engine of the truck.

  Mattie remained in the rocker, watching the two talking between themselves in low voices.

  “Hey, Mattie, you want to come help me?” Matthew called. “I got a horse I want you to look at. You know more about these things than I do.”

  “You’re crazy, Matthew. I don’t know any more about horses than you do,” she said, but her curiosity had gotten the best of her and she sauntered down the steps to where he was standing by the truck.

  “Well, we aren’t talking about just any horse. Dusty was telling me about this little Appaloosa mare he wanted to get. Said she would be perfect to breed with Apache. Just wanted you to take a look.”

  Mattie stood stalk still, staring at Matthew. At first, he thought she was going to bolt because he saw the tears starting to brim her eyes. She blinked and let a tear free.

  “You got the horse Dusty was going to buy?” she asked in a raspy croak.

  “If you don’t want to look at her, I’ll take her back Mattie. I don’t want to upset you. Only this was Duty’s dream, Mattie. You know it was his dream to get the mare, so you could breed Apace to her.”

  “It was our dream,” she whispered.

  “Do you want to see her?” he asked gently, searching her eyes.

  She nodded and then followed Matthew around to the back of the trailer, watching while Matthew opened the door, went inside and led the horse out into the yard.

  Mattie just stared. She looked exactly like Apache, only her spots were red instead of black. The mare tossed her head and Mattie went up to her, put her arms around the mare’s neck, burying her face against the soft coat.

  “I’m gonna call you Dusty,” she said, “Even if you are a girl. You were Dusty’s dream and Apache and I are going to make that dream come true,” she whispered.

  Matthew looked at Daniel and they both smiled. Matthew handed Mattie the lead rope.

  “She’s all your’s Mattie. And I mean that literally. I got her for you, no strings attached. If you leave here tomorrow, you are taking that mare with you.”

  Mattie took the lead rope from Matthew’s hand and as their fingers touched, Mattie looked into his eyes. They held each other’s gaze and then Mattie leaned forward and kissed Matthew on the cheek.

  “Thank you, Matthew. I don’t know how to thank you enough.”

  “You don’t have to thank me, Mattie. I just want to see you happy. Anything I can do to make you happy, I don’t do it for you to thank me. I do it because I want to. I love your smile, Mattie. I just want to see it coming back to your face.”

  Mattie swept her eyes over to Daniel and then back to Matthew. She knew they both had done this to try and help her get over Dusty’s death. She went over to Daniel and put her arms around his neck and hugged him.

  “I know what you two are doing,” she whispered, “and I love you for it.”

  Then she took the lead rope and took Dusty over to the paddock next to Patches.

  “You two are going to become friends,” she said to the horses as she removed the halter from Dusty and let her free into the paddock.

  Daniel patted Matthew on the back.

  “Just take it a step at a time, son,” he said. “I think that was a wise move on your part. Maybe there is hope for you yet,” he grinned and then went back up the porch steps and sat down in one of the rockers.

  Matthew came and sat beside him as they watched Mattie stroking Dusty, who had her head hanging over the railing.

  “Mattie is going to go with you and the boys when you round up the Mustangs. I think it will be good for her, but just keep a close eye on her, and for God’s sake, don’t do anything to upset her, Matthew. I mean keep yourself at arm’s length, if you know what I mean.”

  “Don’t worry. I don’t think she will let me any closer than that anyway,” he responded.

  As they sat watching Mattie with Dusty, McCloud strolled up to the porch.

  “Nice looking mare,” he said, nodding towards Mattie and Dusty.

  “She named her Dusty cause that mare is the one Dusty wanted to get to breed with Apache,” Matthew told him.

  “Speaking of Dusty, that’s why I came up here. When I went to get Mattie’s horse and dog, from Dusty’s place, his mother was there. She told me they were shutting down the house and selling some of the furniture. She wanted to know if I knew anyone who wanted a piano. When we were at Dusty’s place, Mattie and Dusty played the piano together and then she and I played it together. She loved playing that piano, Matthew. Thought maybe you had room in your house for a piano,” he winked at Matthew.

  Daniel and Matthew looked at each other and smiled.

  “I got the horse trailer hooked up here,” Matthew said. “You have the phone number to Dusty’s mom?”

  “She’s still in town taking care of things and she gave me her number cause I told her I thought I did know someone who wanted the piano.”

  “Well, come on then,” Matthew said, “call Buck out here. He can come help as well.”

  McCloud gave a whistle and Buck and Clyde put their heads out the window.

  “Come on, Buck, we need you for something,” McCloud called and Buck came out and climbed into the truck with Matthew and McCloud.

  “Where are they going?” Mattie asked as she joined Daniel on the porch again.

  “Beats me,” Daniel lied, but the smile on his face told Mattie he knew exactly where the boys were going. “Hope they are back by dinner time,” Daniel said and started to rock evenly as he smiled at Mattie and Mattie smiled back.

  “I just love it when people have secret surprises,” she laughed, as she reached her hand out and pet Hope when the pup put his paws in her lap.

  Mattie was helping to set the table when she heard a commotion in the driveway. She went up to the porch and watched as Matthew was maneuvering the horse trailer up to the porch steps. Daniel came out and stood beside her.

  “What’s he doing that for?” Mattie asked. “He gonna bring a horse into the house?”

  “Don’t think he has a horse in that trailer,” Daniel said, giving her a wink.

  “Then what does he have?” she asked.

  “I guess we will find out when
they open the door,” Daniel told her.

  McCloud, who had been directing the trailer up against the porch, jumped up and opened the door, and Matthew and Buck came up behind him.

  Mattie saw them rolling something out of the trailer, and she gasped.

  “It’s Dusty’s piano!”

  “They were selling it, Mattie,” McCloud said. “I knew how good you played and I knew Dusty would want you to have it.”

  “You arranged this?” she asked.

  “Well sorta. I just told Matthew about it and then we just went out and got it before anyone else could get it.”

  The three managed to roll the piano dolly, which the piano was on, into the living room.

  “Move that couch,” Matthew directed and Daniel and Buck grabbed either end of the couch and moved it out of the way, so Matthew and McCloud could place the piano there instead.

  “What’s going on?” Clyde asked as he came into the room to see what the ruckus was all about. “Dusty’s piano!”

  He gave a quick glance at Mattie and then a smile stretched across his face.

  “There’s going to be singing tonight,” he predicted.

  When they had the piano in place, they all watched Mattie as she ran her hand lovingly over the dust cover of the piano. Buck brought in the bench and set it down in front of the piano.

  “Go ahead and play it,” he encouraged Mattie.

  Mattie sat down and slowly uncovered the keys, then the boys listened in awe as she started to play and softly begin to sing… “When the rains blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I will offer you a warm embrace, to make you feel my love. When evening shadows and the stars appear and there is no one to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years, to make you feel my love. Know you haven’t made your mind up yet. But I won’t do you wrong. Known it from the moment that we met, there’s no doubt in my mind where you belong. I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue, I’d go crawling down the avenue, there ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do, to make you feel my love. Storms are raging on a rolling sea, down the highway of regret. Winds of change are blowing wild and free, but you ain’t seen nothing like me yet. There ain’t nothing that I wouldn’t do. Go to the ends of the earth for you. Make you happy, make your dreams come true, to make you feel my love.”