Jordan Reclaimed

by Scarlett Cole

  He studied Lexi’s face. The wide blue eyes, the pale pink tint to her cheeks, and her lips, slightly opened, silently demanding he take them. She ran her tongue along her lower lip and then bit it gently with those perfect teeth of hers.

  “Which is stronger, Jordan?” she asked. “The need for me to leave, or the need to kiss me?”

  Before she even finished asking the question, he knew the answer.

  Unworthy. Unlovable. Unclean.

  But his heart betrayed him as he furiously pressed his mouth against hers.

  * * *

  Lexi couldn’t believe what was happening. One minute he’d been about to tell her to leave, and the next his lips were on hers, driving her crazy. There was nothing soft or gentle about the way he pressed his mouth to hers, but as he ran his tongue along the seam of her lips, she was more than willing to open up and let him in. She teased him by running the tip of her tongue along his. Her heart thudded painfully in her chest as they kissed each other furiously.

  He did want her. Even though his words didn’t say it, and his attempts to get her to leave were in complete contrast to it, his need for her was there. It gave her something to work with.

  It gave her hope.

  Jordan slid his hand around the back of her neck and gripped her tightly to him. It was rough, but glorious. Unrestrained and consuming. Raw.

  She opened her eyes and found Jordan watching her. “Close your eyes, Lexi, please,” he moaned against her lips. But she couldn’t. She needed to see him. Needed to know that he was in this moment as deeply as she was.

  Without thought, she ran her hand down Jordan’s chest, feeling the undulation of his abs. Jordan gripped her hand. “Don’t touch me, Lex. Let me touch you. But please. Close your eyes.”

  “No,” Lexi said, and using all her dancer’s strength, she pushed Jordan back against the sofa so she could sit across him. Her dress rose up her thighs, yet she didn’t have it in her to care. “Please, let me be with you, Jordan. No rules,” she said, leaning forward to kiss the scar behind his ear. Jordan shivered at her touch. “Don’t make me look away,” she whispered against his skin as she kissed his neck. “I want to see you. To know it’s you I’m with. To know you know it’s me.”

  Jordan ran his hand down over her back until he gripped her rear and pulled her so that her core rubbed up against his erection.

  “Lexi,” Jordan groaned. “Fuck, you feel so good.”

  The feel of it thrilled her, but she bit the urge to grind against him, no matter how badly she wanted to give into the need to find relief that was building in her very center. They hadn’t resolved anything yet. But she was more certain than ever now that they’d talked that Jordan’s problem was with himself. She needed to show him how special he was. How much she wanted him. How beautiful she found him with his shaved head, tattooed knuckles, and scars.

  She sat back and followed Jordan’s line of sight to where they pressed intimately up against each other. He was large, and very aroused. “One day, Jordan. I hope you take me right where you are looking. But today, now, let me do this for you.”

  “Do what?” he asked gruffly, returning his eyes to her face. They were hooded, filled with the passion she knew he contained.

  Be there for you, she wanted to whisper. She wanted him to trust her with the most precious pieces of him. To talk to her, be with her. To let them take one step further together to see what they could be. Even in her anger at his behavior, she somehow felt that his words didn’t match what he was really feeling. Never in a million lifetimes would she force him to do anything he was uncomfortable with, but perhaps if she led the way a little, he might follow.

  With determined hands, Lexi pulled his T-shirt over his head and placed it next to them on the sofa. His body was a mess of scars and even more tattoos, all covering a bank of abs that would put the male dancers at the ballet to shame. Slowly, she ran her fingers over them as Jordan ran his hands up her thighs. When she reached the belt of his jeans, his muscles tensed and she leaned forward, pressing her mouth to his again. “Relax, Jordan. Let me love you this way,” she said, unbuckling the belt and unbuttoning his jeans.

  In a move designed to tease, she ran her fingernails lightly along the waistband of his underwear, careful not to touch his huge erection. She was no virgin, despite her father’s draconian rules, but he was easily the biggest man she’d ever seen.

  “Lexi, whatever you are thinking of doing, don’t,” Jordan warned, placing his hands on either side of her head. He brought her lips to his again and took them softly this time. Passionately. When his tongue met hers again, she groaned. He moved one of his hands and ran it up her thigh until it slid under her dress. His thumb brushed against her panties, which she was certain were already drenched. As it slid over her clit, she jumped slightly and gasped. She leaned forward until their foreheads touched, their eyes locked on each other.

  It would be so easy to encourage him to slide his thumb underneath her underwear, to ease the pressure she felt, but it felt imperative to show him that she could care for him in every way he needed.

  “Fuck, Lexi. You really want this? You want me? All of this? Even though I am so far from being worthy of what you are offering?”

  Worthy. That was what his reluctance boiled down to. He didn’t feel as though he deserved her. Her anger disappeared as understanding took over. How could she make him understand how badly she wanted this with him?

  “Let me show you how much I want you, Jordan. Let me make this about you.”

  “I have a ladies-before-gentlemen rule, Lex. I’m not an asshole when it comes to this.”

  “Then you can give me a rain check because I need to do this.” Lexi slid her hand into his underwear and gripped his cock. It was hot and heavy in her hand. The vein that ran along the length pulsed as he twitched under her fingers. She squeezed tightly, running her hand from the tip all the way down to his balls and back.

  “You feel so good, Jordan. So big in my hand.”

  “Ah, fuck, Lex,” he gasped and pressed his head back against the sofa. Not once did he look down at what she was doing. He kept his eyes firmly on her. It turned her on so badly that she wondered if she could come without him even touching her.

  Moisture started to gather at the tip, and she slid her finger across it, teasing him as she ran her finger around the head. She slid her other hand further into his boxer briefs so she could reach his balls. They needed her attention too. Jordan bucked on the sofa as she gently gripped one, and it took all of her ballet training to stay upright on his lap.

  A door slammed upstairs, and she looked toward the stairwell.

  “I locked the door,” Jordan said, his voice deep and breathless. She looked back at him. His eyes were glassy. A mottled pink covered his chest as it rose and lowered at a furious pace.

  Lexi paused and kissed him. Long, deep, drugging kisses. “I’m here for you, Jordan. Let me into your life,” she pleaded and began to increase her speed. She moved faster along the full length of him, wondering at how she could barely wrap her fingers around him. Given how wet she was, he’d be able to slide deep inside her, and it was tempting to give in to what her body craved so badly. The throb in her clit was almost unbearable, but it wasn’t about taking what she needed from him, but giving him what he wouldn’t take from her. At least, not yet, while he was being . . . noble. He needed to know she could be there for him, without wanting or needing anything in return.

  “Let me,” Jordan said, brushing his hand against her clit, the telltale tingle of orgasm leaving her right at the point where she wanted to forget her plan and chase her own end.

  “No,” she cried, pulling his hand away. “This is for you, not me,” she said, pumping harder and harder. The strokes becoming shallower and shallower.

  Jordan’s muscles began to tighten in his stomach. “Oh fuck, Lex, harder, just like that. I’m riding the fucking edge.”

  Faster and faster she moved, watching Jordan’s face as h
is mouth dropped open, his brow furrowed as he started to come.

  “Lex,” he called out. She could feel it, wet and sticky on her hand, but she didn’t dare look down.

  Because the look on Jordan’s face said it all.

  * * *

  Jordan opened the door and stepped back inside the sanctuary of his home, and for the first time that he could remember, he didn’t find the heat stifling. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Walking Lexi home had been miserably cold. The bitter wind had torn its way through Jordan’s jacket and had frozen him from the inside out. Strange, because he had never felt the cold before.

  It was all Lexi’s fault. Because of her, he was starting to thaw.

  When he’d locked the door to the basement, it had been simply to ensure their privacy. He’d been totally prepared to end things with her. His rationale had been clear. So clear that he could have written it down in a bullet-point presentation. But then she’d touched him. Not just physically, which was so fucking amazing he could have sworn his heart had stopped beating when he’d finally come, but also emotionally. Her words had broken through the wall inside him. The wall that kept the cold out and the feelings in.

  Now, it felt as though he had a gaping hole in his chest, and he just couldn’t keep himself together any longer.

  Lexi had suggested taking a cab home, but he liked the idea of walking her and she’d been more than happy to let him. It meant more time together. They’d walked holding hands, making small talk, which Jordan found almost impossible to keep up. Lexi had no idea what she’d done to him. How open she’d left him.

  He’d told her about his hectic schedule over the next few days, and she’d kissed him sweetly and told him she understood. Her own rehearsals were becoming more and more intense as the time approached for her next performance, which was to take place at the National Arts Centre in Ottawa. They’d barely see each other. The idea of not seeing her for the next ten days hurt, suddenly, like an icicle through his heart.

  Therapy as a kid had been hit or miss, his attendance as an adult was at best sporadic, choosing instead to steer away from the things that triggered him rather than confront them, but one thing he’d learned seemed to apply to his life over and over. He’d been told there were four steps to mastering everything. The first step started at unconsciously unskilled, when you walk around in life completely unaware that you don’t know how to do something. When it came to love, that’s where Jordan spent most of his life. But somehow Lexi had pushed him up onto the second step, the terrifying moment of being consciously unskilled, when you realize how badly you suck at something but don’t know how to be different. All of the feelings in his chest could only mean one thing. He was falling in love with Lexi, and yet he didn’t know how to do it.

  He pulled off his leather jacket and Lexi’s red and black scarf that he seemed to have permanently borrowed and hung them on the hook. First thing in the morning, he was going to buy a new coat. A thick one that would keep the cold at bay while he acclimated.

  “You okay?” Elliott asked as Jordan walked into the kitchen and grabbed a beer before heading into living room. Scarface was playing on the television.

  Jordan flopped down into the armchair closest to the fireplace. He stretched his legs out in front of him, kicked off his boots, and pointed his feet toward the direction of the flames, ignoring the almost painful tingle as his frozen toes adjusted to the warmth.

  “Pretty fucking certain I’m not,” he replied, honestly. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

  Elliott reached for the controls and turned the movie off. “Seems to me like you’re doing just fine. She obviously likes you enough to follow you home and challenge you on your shit. You want to tell me what happened today?”

  He didn’t really. Going through it the first time had been painful enough. But Elliott always gave good advice, so the pain would probably be worth the reward.

  “I first saw Lexi on Christmas Day when I took Petal for that walk when you guys were playing with the track. You should see her dance. She’s fucking incredible. I couldn’t stop staring at her. So in all honesty, I became a bit of a stalker, continually walking by there in the hope that I’d see her again.”

  “Those songs you were recording, the classical ones and stuff. Were they for her?” Elliott asked.

  “Yeah, they were. I put them all on a website and gave the link to her. So this one day she’s waiting for me and invites me in to watch her dance. I wrote a song for her and that’s the one she danced to, and it was like she totally understood everything I was trying to say without a single word.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  Fuck. How did he even put it into words? He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees, staring at the fire, too lost to meet his friend’s gaze. “I’m scared shitless, Elliott. I’ve never felt like this before about anybody. I remember waking up the first morning in the home. Nobody had come into my room at night to steal my things or beat me up. There had been no screaming and shouting, or fights. And I remember Ellen knocking on my door to tell me that all that food I could smell cooking was for breakfast. For me. I walked into that dining room and cried. Cried like a fucking baby because I’d just been given twenty-four hours of rest and food. And Lexi. She’s like a million times better than that.”

  Feelings of warmth coursed through him as he compared the memories. Perhaps it was because he’d had so few experiences of good in his life growing up that he was too sensitized to them, making them seem more profound than they were. A log cracked and hissed in the fire, bringing him back to the conversation, and he looked at Elliott. “But then I think, what the fuck do I have to offer her? I always kind of knew that you guys took care of stuff for me. But it’s only just starting to dawn on me just how fucked up I really am. You think I don’t know how much you guys talk about me behind my back? You think I don’t realize the sacrifices you’ve made to live in this house with me so I don’t try to kill myself again? There’s a reason everybody knew about the phone.”

  Elliott raised his hands in front of him in the universal sign of surrender. “Hey, I’m sorry, dude. I just—”

  “No, I get it,” Jordan sighed. “I get why you shared it. The reason everybody knew about the phone was because it’s fucking newsworthy around here. I feel like I’m wearing training wheels, while you all stand on the sidelines willing me on.”

  “Jordan,” Elliott said, his voice gruff as he said his name. “You know, we don’t say shit about our feelings often enough in this house. And I’m one of the fucking worst. But I love you, and Nikan, and Dred, and even Lennon, even though he can be a major asshole at times, more than anyone else on this planet. I have to believe it’s possible that we’ll find our way out of this, through this, or over this. Whatever the fuck we’re supposed to do. Dred and Pix are proof it’s possible. Right?”

  Jordan felt his throat tighten, and he bit the side of his tongue, hard. “Lexi just twirled into my life, and she’s like the light I’ve been living without. But I’m terrified that my darkness will dim her somehow. And I feel like I need to solve that before I can be with her.”

  “I think both things can be true. Yes, you’ve still got shit you need to work out. But I think she might be the one to help you solve it, man.”

  Tiny pinpricks of energy coursed through him, but he couldn’t decide whether they were excitement or anxiety. “I couldn’t face taking her up to my room. For the first time, I was ashamed of the way I’ve been living.”

  Elliott laughed. “Well, that’s the easiest fucking thing in the world to fix. Dred’s moving out soon with Pix. Move into his room and out of the attic.”

  “I don’t want her to see the crazy,” Jordan said, more to himself than to Elliott.

  “Dude, I think it’s way too fucking late for that. And you’re talking to the guy who has a certified mania. You want to talk about what happened today?” Elliott asked.

  Jordan shook his head. The conversation
had already given him enough to think about. “Nah. I’m gonna get some sleep. We got some hectic days ahead.” The distance was going to help. “Thanks for the . . . you know . . . chat and stuff.”

  “Yeah, well.” Elliott stood. “Guess it’s always easier to give advice than to take it.”

  CHAPTER SIX

  Jordan cuddled up behind her, and Lexi knew from the way his erection pressed against her back that he’d take her again, like he had the previous evening. She could tell the very moment he started to throw off the mantle of sleep as the pace of his breathing changed against the skin just behind her ear.

  “Good morning, Angel,” he said roughly. The gravel-filled tone of his voice made her shiver. The calloused tips of his fingers ran down her side and over her hip as his other hand squeezed her breast gently. She pressed her butt back against him, and he groaned. “Fucking or making love? Your call, but decide quick because my cock is aching to be inside you.”

  Lexi groaned as his fingers progressed over her mound until they were circling over her clit. “I want—”

  A loud hammering sounded, but Lexi didn’t have it in her to care. One of Jordan’s fingers slid inside her and she shamelessly whimpered.

  “What do you want, Lex?”

  The banging continued. “Aleksandra,” someone called. “Wake up. I need to speak with you.”

  It sounded like her father, but why would he . . . ? Breathlessly, Lexi sat up with a start and shook her head in an attempt to get rid of the disorientation. A stupid dream. She touched the side of the bed she’d imagined Jordan had been sleeping in.

  “Lexi. Wake now. We have things to do,” her father shouted from the stairwell.

  She reached for her phone and checked the time. Six thirty. Way too early for her to be up, given that her rehearsals didn’t start until ten. Lexi shuffled out of bed and rubbed her eyes as she padded over to the door. As much she just wanted to leave it locked and crawl back into bed to enjoy the lingering memories of Jordan’s touch, she opened it and faced her father.