My Husband's Wives

by Faith Hogan

  *

  Grace tried throwing herself into her work. If only she could find it in her to bring that magic back into the canvas. It might even help her get over some of the pain and loss she was feeling. But it was no good. The studio, at first too cold, became too warm. There was no coffee, the colours didn’t sit, her hand wandered across the work, meandering with her thoughts. Frustrated and somewhat desperate, she decided to visit Evie in Carlinville. She sat in the car, a sketchpad and charcoal tucked beneath the seat, hesitating. She realized, as she took the coast road from the city, that she wanted to draw her – Evie, in the rawness of her grief. She needed to capture that emotion. But it was stupid of course, and cruel too. She couldn’t ask.

  Carlinville had taken on that look places get when you return to them. It was both familiar, but strangely different. Perhaps it was Kasia’s presence. She gave a fresh perspective on the place, as if a light breeze had managed to shift some of its gloom. She wondered if Evie noticed it too. She was getting better, slowly finding things to cling on to. Some days were better than others, though nobody was brave enough to mention it. The front door was closed, but not locked, and when she rang the bell, she pushed it slightly, not liking to cross the threshold without invitation. But then again, when you’ve broken in already perhaps the normal rules don’t apply so much.

  ‘Hi, it’s me.’ It was like déjà vu, but this time she couldn’t sense any danger. Instead, she lingered in the hall, pulling down a wax jacket she’d seen Paul wear many times. It smelled of dilatory neglect, its pockets empty of his daily belongings and, for a moment, Grace wondered what had happened to his key ring, to the ink pen he carried with him everywhere. It didn’t really matter. A bundle of post, unopened, caught her eye, weighted behind a hefty vase that might once have carried flowers, but these days was home only to the fat spiders she assumed lurked in its cobwebbed depths. She pulled out the envelopes. There were bills, fliers and a couple of cards in the bundle. She separated them, dumping the fliers before making her way out to the long veranda where Evie sat, reading quietly. ‘I picked up these on the way through.’ She plopped the letters down before Evie, who moved them to the far side of the table roughly as though they might be vermin.

  ‘Cards, probably from people to say sorry about Paul.’ Grace couldn’t help but notice a huge stain on Evie’s cardigan. She was smaller, older and more brittle than before. Near-death stole the mask of reserve from her and she was gentler for it. ‘Come on, you need to open them.’

  ‘I’ll do it later.’ Evie turned her gaze towards the overgrown garden beyond.

  ‘Did I wake you?’ Grace folded herself into a chair opposite.

  ‘No, I… maybe.’ Evie smiled, but her face lacked any joy. ‘I was just thinking…’

  ‘It’s not good keeping yourself cut off here…’ Grace leaned forward, touched the pot in the centre of the table. It was cold, and she wondered how long Evie had been sitting here. ‘Where’s Kasia?’

  ‘She went to work a little while ago.’ Evie examined her watch. ‘Oh, dear God, is that the time?’ She pulled her cardigan about her. ‘She left this morning, I…’ she flustered.

  ‘Have you eaten?’ Grace placed her hand upon Evie’s arm. At least she wasn’t cold. ‘Come on, we’ll go down to the village for a little lunch. I’m starved.’

  ‘Ah no. You go. I’m not hungry.’

  ‘You have to eat,’ Grace said softly. ‘You have to look after yourself, Evie.’

  ‘Why?’ Evie turned on her. ‘Why do I have to? For who or what? What exactly am I going to do with myself for the rest of my days? Sit here and look at the garden come in on top of me? Maybe sit inside the window for the winter months. Don’t you understand? I’ve spent a lifetime doing that. I’m tired of it.’

  ‘You didn’t have to.’ Grace regretted the venom in her voice immediately, but not the words.

  ‘Easy for you, with your talent and your beauty.’

  ‘You were beautiful too. You still are, only you can’t see it. You had more than any of us.’

  ‘Oh, Grace. Don’t you see it wasn’t about that?’

  ‘So what was it about? Tell me, because I really want to know.’ Tears were making their way to Grace’s eyes.

  ‘I wanted Delilah. I wanted what came so easily to you, to Annalise and now to Kasia.’

  ‘You could have had kids too. You could have adopted.’

  ‘I couldn’t.’ Evie spat the words out. ‘Nothing else would do. Anyway, by the time I realized, it was too late. Too late for anything else.’ The anger ebbed from her voice. Her body began to tremble. Her sobs, when they came, were huge and uncontrollable. It felt as if Evie might drown in her wretchedness.

  ‘I never meant to hurt you,’ Grace said weakly, but her apology floated in the air between them, sounding less than it should.

  ‘How can you say that?’ Evie wiped some of the tears from her face, her hand moving roughly across her skin as though the hurt didn’t matter anymore. ‘You took him from me.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to.’

  ‘Don’t tell me you didn’t know about me.’

  ‘No, he told me about you straight off, but it was the way he spoke, as though your lives together had been another lifetime. It always felt to me as if you never really lived in the same world as me.’

  ‘Well, I didn’t, did I…?’

  ‘No, maybe not.’ Grace let her eyes skim the middle distance. It was too hard to watch Evie tear herself up. ‘I never would have given him up. Not that I wanted to hurt you, but I loved him so…’ Perhaps it was better to tell the truth. ‘I didn’t want a family. Delilah wasn’t meant to happen. If she hadn’t, I don’t think I’d have wanted to marry him. I think – well – maybe I’d have been his…’

  ‘Mistress?’

  ‘Yes, his mistress.’ Grace lowered her voice. ‘I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve it.’

  Grief hurdled across Evie’s eyes. ‘It’s almost worse, after everything, how things ended between you. I never understood it, that you didn’t want…’

  ‘It’s a long story.’ Grace studied the weeds, dancing in the light breeze; they provided a point of focus for her to collect her thoughts. Perhaps Evie deserved that. Maybe she deserved to hear why her husband had left her. ‘You’ve heard my father committed suicide? It’s common enough knowledge.’

  ‘Yes. I’m sorry…’ Evie paused. ‘And I was sorry that it was you that found me, because… well, just once is too many times to come upon something like that.’

  ‘Well, after my father – after that first time – it was never going to be good. When my father died, my mother never really recovered. It seemed that life never got back to normal. I became the mother. It fell to me, because she could not…’ Grace kept her voice even. ‘I’d decided, before I broke away, that I had done with bringing up kids, done with keeping a house.’ Grace turned towards Evie. ‘I was just too young for all that responsibility. Everything might have been so different if my father hadn’t died. When I met Paul, the last thing I wanted was to fall in love, but he was… different. I couldn’t help it. And then, Delilah; I’m glad we had her, but she wasn’t planned. I didn’t want any more. I just… went the wrong way about it.’ Grace smiled sadly, thinking back to that awful time when Paul left her and then, before she knew it, Annalise Connolly had taken her place.

  ‘And I’d have given anything for just a chance.’ Evie smiled sadly. ‘What a pair he managed to fall in love with.’

  ‘What a pair,’ Grace repeated. ‘So, enough,’ she said so quickly that Evie almost jumped. ‘You say you have nothing to go on for? What about Delilah? What about Annalise’s boys? You’re connected to them, connected to all of us, whether you want to be or not.’ Her smile was rueful. ‘Delilah is desperate to have you in her life – you and Annalise’s family.’ She didn’t add that she wasn’t so sure how Annalise might feel about that. But at least Evie hadn’t cast her out. ‘In the meantime, do you want some
lunch?’

  ‘I can make something here; I just don’t think I can face people… Is that very bad?’

  ‘Completely normal, I’d say. Do you want a hand?’ Grace started to roll up her sleeves, had a feeling that lunch would be basic enough even for her culinary skills.

  ‘No, let me,’ Evie said gently as she got up from her seat. ‘Delilah told me you’re not much of a cook.’ She laughed a gentle tinkling sound. Perhaps she had one up on her after all. It didn’t bother Grace anymore.

  The letters remained closed until after lunch. Grace had had enough of being a bully for one day, but if there were bills to be paid or notes needing attention, then she couldn’t just ignore them.

  ‘Come on,’ she said as she began to clear away their dishes. ‘You start opening that post and I’ll wash up.’ It was a fair exchange, and when Grace sat down again, Evie had a mountain of opened post on the table before her. The first thing Grace picked up was an appointment letter for the psychiatric clinic. ‘You’ve missed the appointment. Evie, you need to get to those.’

  ‘I… can’t.’

  ‘You can’t not, after what you’ve been through. You’re lucky to be alive.’ Grace leaned towards her. ‘We’re lucky you’re alive.’

  ‘I’m fine. I’m doing everything they told me to.’

  ‘You need to follow up with them; they need to see you regularly.’

  ‘Or what?’ Evie stuck her chin out and Grace could imagine her as a truculent teenager, the same age as Delilah and every bit as infuriating. ‘Go on, at their very worst, what will they do? Drag me back in there?’

  ‘Christ, Evie, that is not the worst case scenario!’ Grace let out a massive sigh. ‘Don’t you get it? You tried to kill yourself. It’s the ultimate step. The only reason you’re home is because…’

  ‘It’s because you organized Kasia to stay with me and we are all very relieved, aren’t we? I mean the doctors and the nurses. They don’t want me there, taking up another bed. So…’ She leaned forward slightly, wiping a stray speck of dust from the table. ‘Anyway, what’s the point in going? What are they going to do for me?’

  ‘I’m not sure that it’s as simple as all that, Evie.’ Grace closed her eyes for a moment. ‘You may not realize it, but you have lots of reasons to get better. You have people who care about you.’ Grace held Evie’s gaze for as long as they both could manage it. ‘You have to come out of this. Delilah needs you. Whether you believe that or not, she does, and so does Kasia, more than you need her. Have you thought about that? And then, there’s a baby coming…’

  ‘I… I can’t remember a time when I was actually needed.’ Grace handed over a box of tissues that sat on the windowsill beside her. ‘Even Paul, I wanted to think he needed me, here, to steady him, but I knew…’ Evie cried for a couple of minutes, and then pulled herself together. ‘I’ll ring and make a new appointment; will you take me to it?’

  ‘Of course I will,’ Grace said. Paul had finally left them both. But he had also been instrumental in creating a new bond.

  15

  Evie Considine

  Carlinville seemed smaller when she returned, as though it had shrunk in her absence. Kasia was staying with her now. No point telling them she didn’t want it. She hadn’t asked to be saved, and yet here she was. It was like being thrust back into an empty world and Evie felt deep down that no matter the kind words and concerned eyes, that void could not be filled. Evie knew they didn’t really trust her not to do the same again.

  ‘Will we sit in the garden for a while?’ Kasia’s eyes were bright. ‘The fresh air will be good for me too.’ So they’d brewed tea and brought a small tray outside, wearing two old sweaters from the coat stand. They sat there for hours, watching the long grass and plants sway gently in the evening breeze. There was something easy about the girl. She listened, and Evie felt there was no judgement there. She asked about Paul, about their lives together, and Evie found herself recounting her life story, the love story that was hers and Paul’s, and the heartbreak over the family they never had.

  ‘It was love at first sight for both of us.’ Evie smiled. ‘You don’t hear of that happening any more, do you?’

  ‘He said that too; I think he was still surprised by it.’

  ‘We were married within six months. It was a small ceremony, just the two of us in a little church outside Rome.’ Evie smiled as she thought back to that day. She could almost feel the scorching Italian sun on her face when they’d walked into the hot afternoon. ‘We were happy, right up until the end.’ They’d spent many evenings in this exact spot, talking about the day’s events, or just listening to the Irish Sea in the distance. ‘Maybe that was half the problem.’ Evie’s words were just loud enough to be heard.

  ‘What was the problem’s half?’ Kasia considered her, shading her eyes as they caught the sun coming from the west.

  ‘Well, I was quite content. But maybe he wasn’t. Even when he told me about Grace, I persuaded myself that I could cope with it. As time went on, I convinced myself that we were quite happy, in our odd little arrangement. When in fact, even if I’d made myself be happy with it, Paul couldn’t have been.’

  ‘Why do you say that?’

  ‘Well, he felt he needed more, didn’t he? He needed you as well.’ Evie said the words without anger. She no longer bore hard feelings towards Grace or Annalise or Kasia. Would she be better off if she did?

  ‘I really admire you.’ Kasia was trying to make her feel better; it was nice that she cared.

  ‘You shouldn’t. I’m no role model for any young girl. Quite the opposite, if anything.’ Her tea was almost cold, but comforting at the same time.

  ‘Paul loved you. He never stopped loving you. No one could ever take your place. I admire how you handled all of it.’ Kasia observed the sea below and took a deep breath, as though the air might refresh her from the inside out. ‘He never really left you anyway.’

  ‘He managed to convince me of that too. I believed I was graciously sharing him with the mothers of his children. I never actually believed Grace or Annalise were competition. Wasn’t I a little naïve, though?’

  ‘That is not such a bad thing. Perhaps the world would be better if more people were…naïve, these days.’

  ‘Modern women. Well, you’d be out there fighting for your man. I believed him when he said he had to do his duty and stand by Grace Kennedy when she was pregnant. The blame and the hurt and all the other emotions I was feeling became lost in my own guilt for not being able to give him a family.’ A small tear made its way down Evie’s cheek.

  ‘It was not your fault that you couldn’t have a family.’

  ‘I was too old for him. I should have faced up to that before I married him, or gone all out to have a family straight away. I just didn’t think it would mean all that much, not when we had each other.’ A sad smile stretched her quivering lips.

  ‘I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way. I think we just do what we can. If we do our best, then there’s no room for guilt. You did more than your best.’

  ‘I’m not sure.’ Evie shook her head again.

  ‘I am sure enough for both of us. He never let you go. It was the same with Grace. He was a man who kept his women. But I suspect that Annalise is… how do you say it, a pot of different fish?’

  ‘Yes, she’s certainly that.’ Evie smiled in spite of herself. ‘Do you honestly think I don’t have anything to feel badly about?’

  ‘I think you are a good person, Evie. I think you have shown nothing but kindness and compassion. It’s probably good to take a hard look at your life with Paul. Maybe he wasn’t as perfect as you thought. I don’t think you can see what I see.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘I see…’ Kasia stumbled over the words for a moment, trying to pick the right ones. ‘I think, that Paul was very lucky, having three women, and especially in having you in his life. He was lucky to have kept you to the end.’

  They sat in silence for a
long time. What if the girl was right? It certainly settled her mind far more than it had been in a long time.

  ‘This would have been a beautiful home for a family.’ Kasia smiled at Evie.

  ‘Yes. It seems ideal doesn’t it?’ Still, she didn’t add that her own childhood had been lonely and isolated. ‘I would have loved a big family, lots of children to fill the house and the garden.’

  ‘I’m sure it would have been a happy home.’

  ‘Ah well.’ Evie sighed. It was like a death, childlessness. ‘What about you? Would you like to have more, some day?’

  ‘If things were right, yes. In the meantime, I’m going to love this one; nothing is going to stop me loving this baby.’ She shook her head. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean. Our circumstances are very different.’

  ‘I understand, dear.’ And Evie did. ‘You will have your own challenges, just as I had mine.’

  ‘Evie, just being here is making it so much easier.’

  It became easier for Evie too. The days seemed to stretch and run into each other and they built up a routine of sorts. Kasia prepared tea for both of them before she left for work. In the evenings, she returned home tired and hungry and so they sat on the veranda slowly eating whatever Evie had prepared for them. It was the best part of the day, Evie thought. It may have been that they hid from the world beyond, but it was easy and relaxed and before Evie knew it a week had passed, and then two. Maybe it didn’t make up for Paul not being around, but they were settling into a contented way of life – something that was new to both of them.