by Ellie Fox
I guess I chose to die alone over taking the risk of befriending someone. I’m aware that most of my loneliness is self generated but I can’t help it. I suck at finding a balance. I’m either too polite, too good, which makes people uncomfortable, or too rude. I’m either pushing people away or feeling lonely. It’s a vicious cycle.
After standing in front of the old closet for an hour, where I keep everything, I finally settled on a pair of jeans, and a blue shirt that I’ve never worn before, the only ironed piece of clothing available. I hated ironing. I didn’t even own an iron. I borrow it sometimes from the only neighbor I ever talked to, who was also my landlord. I put on clothes and still couldn’t feel confident. I felt like an idiot for thinking that way. For being so easily broken. Someone rejected me, and I start to wonder what is wrong with me. But see, it’s not one rejection. It’s the rejection from every person, every guy I’ve been with.
It was ridiculous. Being turned down by someone you like can really play with your confidence. I had very little of it anyway. For some reason, I was still a little flustered. My brain felt like it had just come back from battle, I was on edge.
It’s not like it was the first time I’d been rejected, and it wasn’t the first time I was going out in search of a hookup. I was about it call a cab when I got a text. It was from this guy I met, a few days ago, in fact a couple of weeks, and we hooked up at his place. He was a little older than me, hot enough to make all the men jealous, and that was the reason I couldn’t decide what he wanted from me. I texted back, and he told me to come to MANHOLE right away. So weird. But I guess it was worth checking out. How ridiculous could it be that someone wanted to fuck me a second time?
I spent a few more minutes looking for my Converses, and finally found them in the closet, hidden behind a large empty box. I also found a stash of condoms, and grabbed two, dumped them in my pocket.
I took one last look in the mirror and stopped myself from going to bed and quitting the idea of going out, several times, when I saw my ridiculously pale skin, and the hollows under my eyes. My face looked tired, just like I felt inside. But that would soon change.
By the time this night was over, I would be happy to have made the decision to go out.
MARV
MANHOLE was full of yuppie wannabes and twinks who were way too young. Neither was my preference. Thankfully, I didn’t have to wait long to find something that was my preference: a handsome brunette in a dress shirt, about my age, with a butt that tightened those slacks, and a beard that was neatly trimmed and thick, the same dark color of his hair.
He smiled at me and came over to where I was seated at the bar. He introduced himself. “I’m Ben. What’re you looking for?”
“I’m not sure.”
He leaned over and spoke loudly in my ear to be heard over the music. “I’m not going to lie, I did come with an agenda,” he said. “Come with me.”
He led me to the back of the club, where they had rooms, most of them open and filled with people fucking. The music was a little less loud here, but the sounds of men moaning, and grunting was making my pants constricted in the crotch.
I’m a tall man but Ben was only a couple of inches shorter. He wasn’t as ripped as I was thanks to my job, but I could see he had definition.
We went to a private room and he closed the door.
He grabbed me and started kissing me, and we started making out, hot and heavy. He broke off. “Do you mind if we add someone to the mix?”
“That depends,” I said. “I’m not going to be the experiment for a crappy marriage.”
He laughed. “I’m not that lame. And I’m definitely single.”
“In that case, we can look for a third.”
I planned for it in advance,” he said. His phone rang, it was a text. He typed in a response and there was a knock on the door. Ben opened it and let in the other guy we were supposed to fuck. I wasn’t sure about his choice at first, because the guy looked awful shy, but when I saw his face, and those eyes, I realized why he looked familiar.
He was staring at me and I wasn’t sure how to respond. Naturally, Ben noticed. “You two know each other?”
I tried to shrug it off. “Just work in the same vicinity.”
“Are you sure that’s all it is?” Ben asked. For some reason he looked amused when he saw the boy’s blushing reaction. “Ashton? You in?”
I don’t think Ashton was aware of Ben’s plan. But it was obvious he wasn’t going to refuse Ben. He seemed like the kind of guy who would go along with other people’s plans. It wasn’t healthy, and it made guys like Ben pricks, but there was nothing I could do. Ashton was old enough to fend for himself, he didn’t need a savior, he needed someone to fuck. That’s why he was here.
“Should we stay here or go to my place?” Ben asked, and I was the first to respond.
“I would prefer your place,” I said. Ben agreed, and we stepped out of the room, made our way to the bar and he bought us all drinks.
He got Ashton some bourbon and finally Ashton looked less uncomfortable, though he was still a little stiff around me and he barely spoke. Even when Ben prattled on about stuff on the way to his place in Manhattan, Ashton was mostly quiet. But by the time we were at the apartment building, Ashton was really starting to loosen up thanks to the drinking.
He was giggling and joking as we made our way upstairs to the twentieth floor, in the elevator. It was fun to watch. He was really cute, with his loud commentary on the doorman, and wondering if he’d seen him at some bar, and at one point I had to steady him, so he wouldn’t trip over the threshold of the elevator. We ended up rather close to each other and the result was pure electricity, sparking in the dimly lit hallway. “You okay?”
He kept staring at me, it was strange and flattering because he never once looked at Ben that way. Ben was amused at Ashton’s ridiculous antics and couldn’t stop grinning. “You’re fun after a few drinks,” he said to Ashton, when we started walking to Ben’s apartment.
The minute we reached the entrance, Ashton was acting all weird again. “Was it this dark the last time?” he was clearly nervous and talking seemed to be his natural response to anxiousness. “It’s way too dark!”
Ben ignored him, and led us in.
The apartment was what you would expect. Lavish. Modern. Wall length windows through which you could see Manhattan and most of the borough. It was a long way from my low-key flat, the guy must earn a lot to be able to keep a place like this. We went to the den, and Ben poured us more bourbon, and Ashton was really freaking out by then. It was like watching a movie. I couldn’t stop looking at him, there was something about this guy, something that made me go over to him while I was still at work. Something that touched me deep down, and unlike any other attraction I’d felt before. He was kind of sweet and inexperienced. Shy and self-conscious. I didn’t know if he was usually this timid or if it had something to do with Ben and me.
Ben took our coats and led us straight to his bedroom. He grabbed Ashton and kissed him hard on the mouth, while I felt my dick twitch at the sight. It wasn’t my first time in a three-way. I’ve been in one twice and been part of a haphazard orgy once. Ben turned to me. “Take off your clothes, Big Guy,” he said, “let me see those muscles,” he grinned at Ashton, “I’m sure Ash will love it!” Ash still looked extremely shy. I think he was having trouble getting out of his head. Which is why I decided to go over to him and kiss him. It was fucking amazing. At first, he was still reserved but then when I kept going he gave in and started enjoying it. That’s all I wanted.
I broke off and gazed at him. Ben grabbed me before I could do anything, and we kissed for a long time, and when I broke off he was getting hot. “I want to watch you first,” he said. “Take off your clothes, Ash.”
I could tell it wasn’t easy for him, so I took off my own clothes to try to relax him. When I was out of my briefs, Ash looked nervous. I walked up to him and started unbuttoning his shirt, and I was still looking int
o his eyes and he was looking at me too. He was starting to breathe heavier. It was kind of adorable. I pushed the shirt off his shoulder and realized he didn’t look quite as thin as I had pictured it. In fact, he even had a bit of a six-pack going. I don’t think he realized that he was a good-looking guy. Especially out of those clothes. But he looked even more self-conscious when I tried to take off his pants. He even closed his eyes while I did it.
“Take them all off,” Ben said, “And take him to the bed.”
I took the pants off Ashton, and the briefs, and set them aside with my clothes. I grabbed his hand and walked over to the bed. in front of the bed, there was a chaise longue where Ben took a seat. He was still in his clothes and loosening his sleeves. I made Ashton lie down on the bed on his belly, so his back was to me. I placed myself so that Ben could see us at all times while I worked on Ashton.
I lowered my head and kissed Ashton’s back, enjoying the sight and feel of his smooth skin and the intoxicating scent of him. I went up and kissed him all over, until I got to his ear, and used my tongue to flick it. I ran a hand over his shoulder and arm, and he moved and groaned. I ran one hand over his ass, all over the back of his thigh, while I continued to kiss his back and started going lower.
I think he was a little shocked when I spread him apart with both hands and lowered my mouth to finally taste him. It was heady and arousing.
It was even hotter when he started to make those groaning, moaning sounds when I went deeper with my tongue. I used some spit to lube him up and kept going, my tongue becoming demanding every time. I lifted my mouth and used one finger to open him up. By then his low moans were becoming rather loud. I broke away and went up to kiss him and he grabbed my cock and started stroking it.
This time, I lay back on the bed and he started kissing me again, getting on top.
After that, he started going lower, kissing my chest, and my navel before reaching my cock and putting it in his mouth. Just the sight of him was giving me a hardon and the feel of his mouth going down on me was exhilarating. He didn’t go as deep as I wanted, but he was doing well, considering the thickness of my girth. He broke off and stroked my cock in his hand for a while, licking the tip, and playing with balls. After a while though, he started taking it deeper, and I grabbed his head in both hands and moved my hips to gently fuck his mouth. After a long time of that, I stopped and let him suck me off again. He looked up at me the entire time he was sucking my cock.
I had almost forgotten about Ben when he spoke up. “How about you both suck each other off at the same time?” When I glanced toward him he was stroking his cock, already sporting a nice erection. I grabbed Ashton and set him down on the bed, on his back, turned around to face Ben so my body hovered above Ashton’s and my cock was within his reach. I placed my hands next to Ashton’s hips to balance myself above him and when I felt my cock being shoved into Ashton’s mouth, I moved my mouth toward his cock and grabbed the base in one hand, started to suck him off.
“Fuck, that’s hot,” Ben said. The feel of Ashton’s mouth on my cock was unbelievable. I could feel him taking my cock deeper now than before and the sensation was just incredible. I continued going down on Ashton’s cock, it was getting harder as he continued to rub his hands all over my thighs and I continued to suck him off. That’s when Ben decided to finally join in. He wasn’t wearing anything, his cock stood erect and I moved away from Ashton to let him in. Ben got on the bed and lay down next to Ashton’s hips, balanced his elbow between Ashton’s legs and lowered his mouth on Ashton’s cock while his lower body was within my reach. I positioned myself between Ben’s legs, so I could suck off his cock, and felt Ashton’s hands on mine, stroking first, and then I felt him suck me off too. All the time we were sucking each other off, we were also getting pleasured.
Ben suddenly stopped and started kissing me. I broke off and then kissed Ashton, while Ben was still sucking Ashton’s cock. I watched Ben grabbing Ashton and pulling him up for another kiss. After that Ben went down on Ashton again, while I continued sucking off Ben. Ben broke off and came up and kissed me first and then Ashton, and then we were all three of us making out for a long time, exploring each other’s mouths, our hands discovering each other’s bodies.
Well, after that it was getting harder for me to keep resisting sliding my cock in Ashton’s ass, so that’s what I started to prepare for. Ben was watching me as I went to stand by the side of the bed and grabbed Ashton’s legs and pulled him closer. Ben was stroking his cock, when I used my spit to open Ashton up, and played with his cock and balls a bit. Ben stood above Ashton and shoved his cock into Ashton’s mouth. I switched to using my thumb and kept opening Ashton up a little until I thought he was ready. Finally, Ben had to step back a bit, so I got a condom and put it on, slowly shoved myself in. Ashton was really tight, and it took me a while to get him to a place where he was comfortable but when it happened, I let myself go and thrust in and out of him with the kind of pace that I needed to come to an orgasm. Ben lowered himself on Ashton and positioned himself, so Ashton could suck him off while I continued to fuck him. Ashton had one hand on Ben’s cock and the other on his dick, jacking off to the rhythm while Ben and I kissed. Finally, Ben got off and I could fuck Ashton easier and faster, and I leaned in to kiss him. I stopped when I was really close, and let Ben take over.
Ben held Ashton in pretty much the same position, and they started to fuck. Every once in a while, I would go down and kiss Ashton, and feel him moaning into my mouth. I had one hand on my cock, kept jerking off at the sight of these two. Ashton was doing the same. Ben was going faster then; his thrusts were getting energetic. I thought he might be wanting to come at last, but he wasn’t done. “I want to try something,” he said, and pulled out. He lifted Ashton off the bed and pulled him up into a kiss. Then he got on the bed and lay back down against the pillows. His one hand was on his cock, stroking himself, and he was watching Ashton.
He gestured to his cock and Ashton understood and got on top, turned toward me and his back to Ben, and started to slowly impale himself on Ben’s cock. It took a while for them to create a rhythm but when it happened, I was left jerking myself off faster. I started to suck Ashton’s cock once again, while I continued to pleasure myself. Ben’s hips were going really fast now, thrusting himself in and out of Ashton with incredible gusto. I started to kiss Ashton, really feeling like I needed to get to the climax. It seemed like Ashton and Ben were the same. I was still kissing Ash when I blew my load all over him and Ben, and Ben was still thrusting him until Ashton came too, spurting his jizz all over. Ben was going in and out in a constant rhythm until he too reached climax and collapsed on the bed. We all lay next to each other breathing hard.
“Well, Ash,” Ben panted. “Now you can officially say you were in a three-way once,” he turned to Ashton who was blushing again. “It will make you sound less boring.”
I know Ben was joking but it was obvious Ashton felt it. “You think I’m boring?”
“Well, you’re not interesting,” Ben joked. “But you have a great body. And you’re very fuckable, I’ll give you that.”
“Thanks,” Ashton said, and I wanted to shake him, tell him to stop being so fucking polite to a jerk like Ben but I stopped myself because I didn’t want him to get the idea that we were serious or that I cared. Ben got up and went to the bathroom and I turned to Ash.
“Why do you let him talk to you like that?” I guess I was more serious than I thought I would be.
“He’s not so bad,” Ashton defended him.
“That’s not the point,” I said. “People don’t fall in love with the ones they don’t respect. If you want to be loved, you need to be respected, and no one likes a fucking doormat. Understand?”
I knew I was being harsh, but I didn’t know how else to help him. I hoped he would realize that I was only trying to show him the reality.
Ben came out of the bathroom and turned to me. “You can stay the night,” he offered. “Maybe in the mor
ning we can go another round?”
CHRISTMAS
ASHTON
I wouldn’t have noticed that the guy Ben was with was constantly trying to flirt with Marv if I hadn’t noticed the annoyed look on Marv’s face. “I’m guessing you two know each other?” I tried to smile through chewing the cheeseburger.
Jacob, that was the guy’s name. I looked at his plate several times, but it was hardly touched. He kept playing with the fries instead of putting them in his mouth. All of it pointed to the fact that he was worried or angry.
Marv tried to act nonchalant but I could tell this was bothering him. “Well, we hooked up a few times, it’s no big deal,” Marv said.
“Yeah,” Jacob said. “A few times sounds about right.”
Ben turned to Marv. “Look, I don’t actually give a shit. We’re not together or anything, we just hook up when we can.”
“Does anyone ever get serious anymore?” Jacob said.
“Well, sure I could be serious for someone,” I said, trying to be polite.
They all ignored me. Great. So much for having a good time. It was like when we were not in bed, there was nothing going on between us. I was forced to think of something else. To not dwell on it. Because what difference did it make? People like me, we are not the ones who convince others to do better. We just go along with whatever the people want.
“Do you want to go back to my place?” Marv asked. Jacob was suddenly glaring at me. It was unnerving.
Ben interrupted before I could say anything. “Lets go back to my place,” he said. “We’ll have fun. All four of us.”
Before I could respond, Marv had agreed to it. I don’t know what he was thinking. I don’t know what I was thinking. Did Marv know what he was agreeing to? I had been looking forward to spending time with him, and now I would have to spend time with Ben, who I’d frankly had enough of, and some guy who used to be Marv’s stalker and looks at me like I am the reason African children are starving.
