by Ellie Fox
“I’m up for it,” Jacob said. He wasn’t even pretending to eat the food anymore.
That was unexpected. Could he really fuck me? The guy he seemed to be hating just now? Was it really that easy for people to pretend?
“You are?” I asked.
“What’s the matter, Ashton?” he said. “Aren’t you up for some fun?” Are you going to be the party pooper is what he meant. Sure, I guess I could go along with it if I had enough to drink. Maybe…
Marv placed his hand on mine. “I’m sure Ashton would love it.”
ASHTON
As you might have guessed, we went back to Ben’s. It was awkward because Jacob kept ruining my buzz. He was acting like Ben and him were hitting it off, and Marv and I seemed bored in comparison. But you haven’t seen us in bed. That’s where we really shine.
The minute we walked into Ben’s room, I tried to get myself drunk enough to be able to fuck but to give up some of my inhibitions. I guess this is what I was good for. If Marv wanted it, then I shouldn’t be complaining. Already, it was Christmas and he was still here. That meant something, right?
But the minute Ben tried to kiss me, I stopped him. “No.”
He stared at me and laughed. “What?”
I felt extremely nervous. “I… I can’t. I’m sorry.” I could hear Jacob laughing, or something, I wasn’t sure. I guess I was a party pooper. I waited for Marv to unleash his anger. “If he’s not into it,” he said. “Then that’s fine. I really want to spend time with him anyway.”
I couldn’t believe it. Marv was standing up for me.
Ben looked pissed but either he was too horny to fight, or too drunk. “Whatever,” he said and turned to Marv. “You can take the guestroom.”
Marv and I walked out of his room and he slammed the door. We walked into the next room and the door wasn’t even shut when Marv grabbed me and started kissing me. “I want you all to myself tonight.”
***
I was thirsty and got out of bed to get water when I saw a shadow flit across the front door to the next room. I put the bottle back in the fridge and cautiously walked to the other room. At first, I couldn’t see because of the dark so I turned on the lights.
Right away a figure appeared in front of me and I jumped. “What the—” I was about to curse when I realized I recognized that face. “You?”
Jacob didn’t seem the least bit bothered seeing me. “Go away.”
“What are you doing here?”
He was being incredibly awkward. “I needed some time away from Ben.”
“You don’t seem to like him much,” I pointed out, “but you continue to sleep with him?”
He continued to look away. “I can’t help it.”
He was hiding it but for the first time I saw tears in his eyes and I felt bad for the guy. Even when he was rude to me, I could never hate him. I just knew he wasn’t a bad person, I just didn’t know why he acted that way sometimes. Instead of getting Marv or Ben involved, I went to sit down next to Jacob on the floor. He handed me the bottle of tequila he was carrying, and I took a small sip. He had a lot. “I used to be like you,” I said. “There were men who treated me like shit, and I would still keep falling in love with them and letting them use me. It never ends well. I know I’m not that much better now, but at least I don’t stand outside their apartment buildings or wait in the parking lot for some guy to show up and grace me with his presence.”
“Marv isn’t some guy.”
“They weren’t some guys either,” I explained. “Not to me. And you’re what a good six years younger than me. You can totally get better at it. But you can’t just give up, you have to try.”
“He loves you. I know that. I can see it in his eyes. And I don’t get it! I’m way hotter than you.” There was no humility in his sentence, I thought he might change his words once he heard them but nothing of the sort happened. But instead of feeling bad, I just grinned. I don’t know why I couldn’t hate him for it. He was saying things that should have hurt me, but it was just endearing with him. He wasn’t doing it out of spite. He was hotter than me in every way and younger. To him, it was stating facts. He wasn’t aware his words might hurt because he didn’t care what people thought of him, so he assumed these things didn’t bother others either. He lacked awareness, not empathy.
“Jacob, he’s not even going to remember me when he finds the next hook up.”
“You’re not that bad.”
“Look, I get the hierarchy of attractiveness in the normal world. I know I don’t even come close to being hot. I’m okay. Sometimes people find me attractive and I’m fine with that. Because I don’t care about being with everyone. I care about being with that one special guy. Someone who will be devoted to me.”
He looked at me. “I hate that I like you.”
I couldn’t stop laughing. “You do?”
“Well, you’re… different. Sincere. I like that.”
“A lot of people treat me like shit. It’s fine, I’m used to it. I go back to my life and work and keep going. I don’t like keeping grudges.”
“Why not? I keep grudges. I still hate my mother for giving birth to such an awesome person. I was born to a world that can’t handle me.”
“You’re really modest, aren’t you?”
“False modesty is a lie. And I don’t lie.”
“No, you just stalk people.”
“Hey, I don’t just stalk anyone!”
“I’m sure your defense attorney will have a field day with that.”
“Why’re you still breathing in my space, minion?”
“You want me to leave so you can continue sulking in silence?”
“I wasn’t sulking!”
“Of course not.”
“What do you know?” he said. “You’re wearing pants that went out of style with whatever barber you visit for that atrocious haircut.”
“That’s mean!”
Instead of another comeback, Jacob started to get up and he was having trouble doing it because he was so utterly drunk.
Finally, he managed it and looked down at me. “Why don’t you fuck off?”
I stood, hoping to steady him because he was unable to take a single step without faltering but he kept trying to get away. “Why are you so clingy?” He was saying and took a step back and actually stumbled this time, but I caught him before he hit the floor.
He was staring at me. I expected another retort but there was nothing. It was odd. I suddenly found myself looking at him as more than Marv’s stalker. I chided myself for being an idiot. There was no way I could allow myself to feel this way.
“I’m sorry,” Jacob said.
That was surprising.
“You need to get some rest,” I said. “We can talk more in the morning.”
He didn’t protest when I took him back to the room where Ben was fast asleep naked, and tucked Jacob in. He was fast asleep too, in no time.
I closed the door and came back outside. I turned off the lights and went to Marv’s room, got in next to him.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about Jacob.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
ASHTON
The next morning, I woke up, and felt a strange loneliness. It wasn’t the usual kind of emptiness, but something I’d never experienced before. The past few days had gone past in a blur. Now it was back to reality. The long weekend was over, and it was time to get into the routine of work. The store and the groceries and the stories of Aaliyah’s current boyfriend.
After that time spent having an adventure, I felt a strange longing going back to it. But I managed to get myself to work somehow. Only, I couldn’t stop thinking of this one person who I should not have been thinking about—Jacob.
I was getting myself a cup of coffee from the break room when Aaliyah walked in. She was wearing huge shades that covered most of her face. “What’s with the sunglasses?”
She grabbed a cup and poured coffee and sipped without a word. After a good ten seconds,
she took them off, and I saw the puffy, bloodshot eyes. “Hangover?”
She nodded and put her shades back on. “My head feels like there’s someone banging it with a sledgehammer!”
“Well, you shouldn’t have had so much to drink.”
“Shut up, Ashton. What did you do? Another Rocky screening?”
“I did watch Rocky,” I said, and added. “But I did it naked, with another guy in my bed.”
She turned her head toward me and her mouth fell open in a rather endearing gesture of astonishment. “You slut!” Guess it was a good thing I kept the ridiculous orgy details to myself. I didn’t want to look like a freak, I don’t know what her threshold was for these kinds of things, so I had to play safe.
“Aaliyah, I don’t know what got into me. We met that night, and didn’t let go of each other for days, and by the time I knew it, a week had gone by!”
She tousled my head. “Ash, baby, I’m so happy to hear that! Where is he now?”
I didn’t know how to tell her the next part, but I didn’t want to keep things from her anymore. “We’re not exactly going out,” I explained. “It was just a week-long thing, he was clear on the rules.”
“What? That doesn’t make any sense!”
I hesitated before telling her the next bit. “He’s straight,” I said. “I mean, he hasn’t come out to his friends. No one knows, and he wants to keep it that way.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Look, I’m going to tell you something, but you have to keep it a secret. You can’t tell anyone, and you can’t say anything. But you know him.”
“I do?”
I felt nervous telling her. “The guy who came to us the other day to ask for a smoke?”
“The one who couldn’t stop staring at you! Oh my God, you’re going out with him? He’s like crazy hot!”
“Yes, but there’s something else I want to get off my chest.”
“What?”
“There’s this other guy—”
She started to laugh. “There’s another guy?”
I felt embarrassed but I was already halfway into the account. “I think I might have developed a crush on him.. which is odd because he’s stalking the hot construction guy.”
“Let me guess. You can’t decide exactly how unattainable you want your partner to be. So it’s the straight wannabe or the stalker?”
“When you say it like that it makes me sound crazy.”
“It is crazy!”
“You will not speak a word about this!”
“Speak about what, Ashton?” I heard Rob saying. “The fact that you’re always taking breaks? Especially back from a whole week of free time?”
“We were just getting our coffee,” Aaliyah said with a rude eye roll. “Save your lecture for the junior workers. We’ve been here longer than you.”
“I was asked by the manager to make sure things are running smoothly,” he said. “So, I will give all the damn lectures I want!”
“What’s the matter, Rob?” I heard words coming from my mouth and I could barely believe they were mine. “Did your girlfriend dump you again because your dick isn’t good enough to satisfy her?”
“At least I don’t go around sucking dicks, you fag!” Fuck. He knew. The whole thing just caught me by surprise and I panicked.
“At least I can satisfy the dicks I suck.” Hey, in for a penny, in for a pound. I saw the rage in Rob’s eyes, and for a minute, I thought he was going to go to the boss and create a fuss, but before I knew it, he had punched me in the face hard enough for my eye to feel it. My nose was bleeding and I hit him right back.
We would have been in a serious brawl, if people in the store hadn’t stopped us.
***
“What is wrong with you?” Aaliyah was really freaking out. “I’ve never seen you like this! I don’t even know what to think. He could cost you your job.”
“Could?” I scoffed. “Pretty sure that pink slip is being signed as we speak.”
“Ash, why’d you do it?”
“Because I’ve had enough, okay! I’m tired of being invisible!!”
The sound of a locker door being closed, alerted us to someone’s presence. I was expecting the manager, but it was Rob, with an already blackening eye.
He walked up to us. “Can we talk?”
Aaliyah kissed me on the cheek and left. “I better not hear the two of you fighting!” She yelled before she closed the door.
Rob sat next to me on the bench. “Your eye,” I said, “it doesn’t look so good.”
He smiled. “You should see the other guy.”
We were both quiet after that. It was an awkward moment that I wanted to move past. But I couldn’t as long as he sat there with me.
“Look, Ash, I had no intention of—”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m sorry about the fag comment, it doesn’t mean anything, I just wanted to hurt you.”
“I know.”
“I’m not a homophobe.”
“Okay.”
He paused before speaking again. “You don’t know what it’s been like. I’m behind on my bills, I can’t pay my rent, all because the woman I was in love with stole from me to be with another guy.”
I suddenly felt like a massive prick. I hadn’t even bothered to find out if the reason he was pushing me away had something to do with his own troubles. I did the same thing when I was hurt and down. What I said, it was just a coincidence that it fit with his insecurities. “I’m sorry.”
“Look, I know I’m a dick,” Rob said. “It’s just I push people away when I need them the most. That’s how it’s always been. But I don’t… I’ll never harm you or keep a grudge. I don’t do that. I know I hurt people but sometimes it’s hard to say sorry when mistakes are all you ever do.”
“Rob, you’re a work in progress. We all are. I didn’t mean what I said earlier, I was just trying to get a reaction. I wanted to…hurt you I guess. And a woman who can do such a thing doesn’t deserve to be loved.”
“Thanks for saying that.”
“I mean it.”
He looked at me. “So, um, are we okay?”
I smiled. “We’re good.”
Rob stood. “I should probably go back.”
“Yeah. I will soon as I can look people in the eye.”
Suddenly he was concerned. “Listen. You’re gay. It’s not a disease. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have forced it, but maybe this is your chance, Ash. To be yourself. You can stop hiding. If someone is thinking about you with another guy’s dick in your mouth, then that’s their problem. They’re the ones who need to be fixed. Not you.”
“Thanks, Rob.”
He left, leaving me alone with my anxious thoughts. I felt like I was being asked to parade naked, even though it was simply that I liked being with men. It shouldn’t have been such a big deal, but it was. Let’ do this…
I stood and walked up to the door. I took a deep breath.
I pushed the door open…
I could feel their eyes on me. Every aisle I passed, every step I took and then something strange happened.
The entire floor broke out in applause. They were all doing it, using their hands to show their love, and it was emotional and unbelievable. I wanted to cry but I didn’t want to be corny. I kept thanking them and smiling, until I reached the counter where the customers were standing there looking surprised. I stood next to a grinning Rob, and gestured to a smirking Aaliyah, as I continued to bag groceries, vowing to cry only once I reach home.
Rob leaned in and spoke in a low voice. “See? You’re not invisible.”
THE DAY BEFORE VALENTINE’S DAY
MARV
I saw him walking by around the same time as I usually did, his shift must have ended. He’s usually alone, but tonight he had the female friend with him, and they were talking about something. He glanced at me once, probably looking for a hint, and I ignored him, even though it physically hurt to do it.
&n
bsp; “Marv?” I heard the sound of my name but what happened to Ash’s voice?
I turned to see someone standing in front of me, with a half empty bottle of vodka, and it wasn’t Ashton. “Jacob?”
My hands were starting to sweat. I was thinking about all the awful ways in which this could end. I couldn’t think of one positive outcome. Well, it was good while it lasted.
“Do you think that you can just fuck me over and I will let you?”
Any minute now, Jacob would say something incriminating and I would lose everything. This whole life that I’ve built will be gone. I couldn’t even think of something to say, I just didn’t know what to do.
“What’s he on about?” Frank asked. Before I could answer, and before I could even think of a response, Ashton jumped in.
“Jacob,” he said, grabbing hold of his arm. He turned to me and Frank and looked apologetic. “I’m sorry, my friend has a bit of a drinking problem!” Jacob was about to say something when Ashton pulled him aside. Jacob went, looking utterly confused.
Unbelievable.
Frank thwacked my back. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go back to work. I have to go home before some other drunken nut job starts yelling.”
ASHTON
Aaliyah had to leave, so I took Jacob to get coffee.
He was quiet after having that outburst earlier. I brought him his latte and biscotti, started sipping my black coffee in silence.
“Why did you stop me?” he blurted out.
“Because you wanted to be stopped. If you really wanted to go through with it, you would have.”
“You don’t know me. And just because you’re the new flavor in Marv’s mouth, doesn’t mean you’ll last. Boyfriends come and go. Stalker stays the same. I’m the constant, not you!”
