by Gayle, A. B.
“I’m okay, really.” Gil knew he didn’t sound convincing, even to his own ears.
On impulse, Miles leaned back in and brushed his lips against Gil’s, gently at first, but the heat searing through his body from the touch of Gil’s hand and the taste of his mouth made him press harder. Miles groaned. Big mistake. Now he couldn’t stop.
For a moment, Gil wanted to capitulate, to sink into the comfort and warmth the kiss offered, to surrender to the pressure of Miles’ mouth on his, but something stopped him. His hand came up, pressing into Miles’ chest, pushing him back. For a moment, the hurt in the doctor’s eyes was almost too much, but they needed to talk, or rather Gil needed to give voice to his feelings. It would be so damned easy to fall headlong into the distraction Miles was offering, but there were unsaid things between them, and Gil didn’t know where he stood.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.” Miles swallowed back the hurt that welled up in his chest at Gil’s rejection.
“Christ, Miles! Will you stop apologising!” Gil wasn’t in the mood for Miles’ self-flagellation. “We…I need to talk. I need to know…things…” he finished lamely.
Miles frowned and sat on the edge of the bed, taking care not to crowd Gil. “What do you need to know?”
An exasperated mutter came from the far end of the room. “If you two want to have a chat, how about waiting until morning or taking it outside. A gal has to get her beauty sleep.”
Both men glanced at each other and grinned guiltily. Caroline’s sleepy voice had reminded them that they were not alone. “What do you say, Gil? There’s a full moon, and it’s warm outside.”
“Are you…asking me out on a date here?” Amusement colored Gil’s tone.
“Well, I didn’t bring any wine or roses, but I could make a couple of cups of hot chocolate if you like.” Miles stood and stepped away from the bed. He glanced uncertainly at the door then back at Gil. “But we could wait until morning if it’s not important.”
“Why wait? I’m sick of being stuck in here…” For answer, Gil flung back the covers before Miles could change his mind and swung his legs out of bed. His ankle hardly bothered him; it was almost healed. If he could lean on Miles and take it slow, he knew he would be fine.
“Careful.” Miles drew Gil’s good arm up so it rested around his shoulder. With Lucas’ aid Gil had ventured out of bed a few times mainly to use the bathroom and have a shower, but he still hadn’t regained full mobility. “There’s a seat down near the water’s edge if you can walk that far.”
“I’ll give it a go.” Gil happily leaned into Miles’ support. Being close to the doctor made his heart miss a beat or two. The air was balmy outside. One of those nights where it was actually cooler outside than in. A slight breeze played off the water, carrying the tang of salt. He had to remind himself of the change of seasons here. This was the height of summer. Before he’d fallen down the hole, he’d found the oppressive heat hard to take after the cool of Haven Falls and England. Yet another reminder of how far he was away from home. He allowed the warmth of Miles’ body next to his to distract him from such thoughts and tried to concentrate on what the doctor was saying.
“You haven’t even seen anything of the island yet, have you?”
“So this is it, huh? This is Rapatoka? Bigger than it looks from the other side of the water…” Gil had seen some of the island from the hospital window, so he knew that building was part of a group that must constitute their concept of a town. Just a jumble of traditional island-style dwellings with high thatched roofs and basic shuttered windows and doors. No glass to be broken when cyclones hit and walls that were easily replaced should they be shredded by high winds.
“Yeah. Hard to imagine, but there are three hundred people living here. Most of these huts have an extended family living in them, all bedding down in one room. Lots of young kids. They run around like wild things, but what can you expect when there isn’t even a proper school.”
The fine grains of sand under Gil’s bare feet squished up through his toes. The quiet was so different from the usual sound of laughing children and women’s voices as they sat under a shelter and did their daily chores; some weaving, some washing in tubs.
Most of the vegetation was similar to that on Mystery Island. Pandanus trees with their wide overhanging fleshy leaves and the occasional palm tree. Miles led him down to a wooden table set up under the shade of one only a few feet from the waves that lapped softly over the pure white sand. Gil allowed himself a smile. He would never look at coconuts in the same way again.
The moon’s glow glinted off shards of broken shell and coral that had been washed up on the pale sand. Small waves susurated up the beach, lapping gently toward them. A soft breeze whispered through the palm fronds, a counterpoint to the sound of the sea. There was a path of moonlight across the lagoon, and when he looked up, without the light pollution he was used to, the sky above was pinpricked by thousands of points of light. For a moment, Gil forgot to breathe it was so beautiful. It was idyllic, unreal.
The hard benches that served as seats didn’t look very comfortable and were built low to the ground. Miles perched on top of the table, indicating that Gil should sit beside him. Gil wasn’t sure how close he was meant to sit. He chose to sit a little apart and twisted to face Miles.
“This was the only place open at this time of night. I’m glad they reserved us a table.” Miles rubbed his beard. In his native dress and untrimmed facial fuzz, he felt like the wild man from Borneo again. Worrying about Gil had killed his appetite, so it was just as well he didn’t have his gear with him. Most of his jeans would fall off him now. “Lucky there’s no dress code.” The sight of the young man’s body just covered in shiny white satin boxers adorned with a red rose made his mouth dry. “Though I see you did bring flowers, well, one flower anyway.”
“What?” For a moment Gil was flummoxed until Miles indicated his underwear. He chuckled. “You mean you don’t recognise the England rugby squad badge? Miles, I’m ashamed of you…” He got up again and turned. One rose strategically adorned each side. “A mate had them made for me…”
Miles tried to swallow again as the young man beside him turned around displaying a rose on each butt cheek. As he turned back, Miles couldn’t miss the bulge that the loose material failed to hide completely either. “A thorn between two roses, hey?”
Gil groaned at that one. “Oh, that was bad, Miles…”
“Well, at least it didn’t suck.” That earned him a look he couldn’t interpret. Gil sat back down, not close enough but turned slightly in order to be able to face him. Damn, it would be much easier to talk and think if he didn’t have those big brown eyes staring at him. He would also have to keep his gaze up and not let it drift down.
“Miles, I…have to admit, I don’t know where to start.” Gil let his gaze wander. He was finding it difficult to meet Miles’ eyes even though he chose this position in the first place. He was also resisting the urge to sit closer. He missed the warmth of Miles’ body against his, but he needed to stay focused.
At first, Miles was tempted to make another flippant comment like singing the first bars of: “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.” but something in Gil’s eyes stopped him. The time for jokes was over. Talk wasn’t what he wanted to do though. Those lips he touched only moments ago were so close, all he had to do was lean forward and claim them again. The moon, the stars, the warm night air and the memory of how good Gil looked and felt that one memorable night back at Haven Falls made it difficult for Miles to think of anything else.
“What happened the other night… I have no idea what it was, dream, hallucination, real…” Gil glanced up to gauge Miles’ reaction. “but there is something between us, Miles, and you need to decide what you want. You left me… alone… you walked off alone. Darren said… you were kidnapped, taken off Mystery without your consent?”
Miles turned to face the water. His mind filled with a ju
mble of thoughts that he couldn’t untangle faced by Gil’s unwavering stare. The young paramedic did it all the time. Scraped away all the layers he hid behind, forcing him to confront the truth. The trouble was could Miles handle the truth? Could Gil? Before he could answer, Gil resumed speaking.
“Miles, I…this is complicated. I know that, for both of us. But unless we start somewhere, we can kiss any future we have together goodbye right now….”
35: Stripping Bare
Miles Sutherland, Carter (Gil) Gillespie
___________________________________________________
5th February, Rapatoka Island
But unless we start somewhere, we can kiss any future we have together goodbye right now….
Gil’s challenge rattled around in Miles brain. No, he wasn’t ready to kiss any future with the young man goodbye, not by a long shot. Gil wanted an explanation for his actions, his desertion, but where should he start? Usually his treasured memories, stored as vivid pictures and sounds, were too painful to put into words, but tonight Miles found his sentences formed easily, almost as if those experiences belonged to another person. Perhaps the cool onshore breeze and the gentle lapping of the wind-driven waves helped soothe his soul, or maybe it was just the calm presence of Gil, sitting beside him on the table overlooking the lagoon.
Taking a deep breath, he told Gil everything. It all spilled out, about how he met Darren at an island just like this when they were teenagers, how even though they lived in different countries, they virtually grew up together, meeting annually during shared family vacations, and corresponding via letters and then later emails, sharing every thought, every dream.
Gil winced when Miles described how he and Darren had their first sexual encounter together in a place just like Mystery Island. “No wonder you reacted when that Pierce woman gave us the last owner’s holiday brochure.” That feels like such a long time ago, Gil thought wearily. “The memories that provoked must have made coming here really difficult.” Oh, Miles, what did I do to you?
“Yeah, that’s why I refused at first.” Miles turned back to face Gil, “I wouldn’t have come at all… if it hadn’t been for you.” You always call me out for running away from things, Miles thought. The irony wasn’t lost on him. “Even though at that stage I wasn’t sure how you felt about me.” Miles paused before he added. “Not that I know any better now. I just wanted to be with you, but I got cold feet, ‘specially when I saw you kiss that policeman, and then Lyle was all over you like a rash….”
“Actually Lance kissed me, not the other way around,” Gil interrupted. “That Sheriff was a little…pushy? Nice arse but you have to be careful with coppers. They own handcuffs…” His attempt at levity was met with a smile. Gil was once more struck by how handsome Miles was when he smiled. On the surface he might appear a little rough round the edges–Gil had little difficulty in seeing Miles propping up an outback township bar–but beneath the rough exterior Gil saw an integrity and compassion that shone through.
Miles didn’t blame the cop for wanting to kiss Gil. He was finding it difficult to resist the urge now. As for the reference to ‘cuffs; he’d store that idea away for later. That’s if there was going to be a later for the two of them. “By the time I got here, though, even my petty jealousies paled into insignificance against the overwhelming feeling that Darren would appear any minute.” Miles reached out and took hold of Gil’s hand, the uninjured one. “I’m sorry.” As apologies and explanations went, it sounded terribly inadequate, but if he went into any more details, he’d probably end up a blubbering mess. Even now he was having a problem holding everything back. While Gil’s life had been in danger, he could concentrate on the young man’s health and well-being and forget about him as a person or as a lover, but now, looking at the hurt in Gil’s face, he couldn’t ignore him any more.
“I think you can forget Lance. If we were still at Haven Falls, I might have been tempted, but I doubt I’ll ever lay eyes on him again. But Lyle is special,” Gil paused wondering how best to explain how he felt about his transgendered friend. He wanted Miles to understand about Lyle but even though Miles was a doctor, and Gil trusted him implicitly, he would not break confidences. It was up to Lyle to reveal all, if he wanted to. “Miles, he’s a nice…a nice guy. I had my reasons there. Still do.” Gil grinned. “But… he’s not the one… We didn’t make any promises, honestly. I couldn’t, but I count him as a friend. I hope he still does the same with me, but that’s where it stops.”
The one…. Miles stiffened and released Gil’s hand, turning back to stare at the dark water. For Miles, there had only ever been one man, Darren. They might have enjoyed looking and wondering what it might be like having sex with other men, but that would always be as a threesome. In the end they hadn’t bothered because they were so wrapped up in each other; they didn’t have room for anyone else.
Gil’s soft voice continued. “I’m not unaware how I might seem to you… after all, Haven was a playground. I do promise you, I was careful, very careful. But I split with the only man I’d ever had a relationship with before I left home, and I was experimenting, footloose. Yet, I accused you of running away, and then realised I was doing the self same thing where Simon was concerned. The man was a pedantic bastard who used me. So… I guess I went a bit OTT.”
Realistically, Miles knew Gil had other lovers, but the mention of a name made the man seem real somehow. A growl threatened to roll out of Miles’ chest at the thought of anyone hurting Gil. “Maybe there was a degree of jealousy involved on my part. Wishing I could have that sort of relationship with other guys. Light hearted… fun.” Miles stood and walked a couple of steps towards the beach before turning back again. “To be frank, I haven’t really paid much attention to Lyle. All I saw was a pretty boy who took your eye. All I remember is that the kiss at the night club opening made me want to bash his head in. But, hey, that’s me.” Miles shrugged. “An over-intense possessive Aussie bastard. Flynn calls me Sad Max. The name probably fits.”
“Flynn has a strange brain. I think that head trauma didn’t help.” Gil smiled.
“Flynn gave me that nickname long before his fight with the little lamented undertaker!” Miles wiped his hands down the sides of his native skirt. “I suppose I owe you another apology for being jealous.” Shit, if only this sulu had pockets in it; he wanted to bury his hands away, hide them so Gil couldn’t see how much they were shaking. “I’ll back off. Sorry for coming on so strong.” Gil’s brows drew together at that.
“Have I given you the impression that… well, that your attentions aren’t welcome?” Gil was a little lost; it was as if Miles hadn’t been listening. “I was trying to explain that I might have come across as a bit shallow… I mean, I was playing the field. No one could blame you if you thought I just saw you as another quick shag… ”
“I wasn’t sure how you felt about me. You pushed me back a couple of minutes ago when I tried to kiss you.”
“Because I needed to tell you…” Gil took a deep breath and slowly let it out again. “Miles, I don’t feel that way about you. If you want to keep it casual, then fine. I thought maybe because of Darren, you know, you might not want….”
Miles interrupted him. “My problem was more that I felt guilty for feeling so strongly towards you. I felt like I was betraying him, his memory.” Miles stepped closer so he stood right in front of Gil. Their eyes were level, and even though no part of their bodies touched, heat seemed to join them together. He shook his head and shakily traced his finger along the edge of Gil’s jaw. “The trouble with me is that I don’t do casual. Sometimes wish I could.”
“I thought you couldn’t move past what happened. Darren said you needed to stop blaming yourself… but I saw all your photos. I wondered how the hell I could ever compare with him? You two were together for so long…”
“What photos?” Miles hand fell nervelessly at his side. “Oh, you mean all the ones on the mantle back at Haven Falls?” He gave a guilty start at
Gil’s nod. After Darren’s death, Miles had spent ages staring at them, trying to supplant in his memory the image of his AIDS ravaged lover with Darren as he was before he became infected with HIV. How long would he be able to do that without the reminder? Miles sighed. The photos were probably lost now or packed away in some Federal agency store room. “Maybe it’s just as well they were left behind. I should move on.”
Miles stared into the dark behind Gil’s shoulder, almost as if he was searching for something. Conflicting emotions crossed the doctor’s face and Gil watched him warily, uncertain what conclusions the man was drawing behind those green eyes. At that moment, Gil was suddenly irrationally jealous of Darren. That a dead man could affect his chances with Miles left him feeling defenceless.
“Darren will always be a part of me, I can’t deny that. Hopefully, one day I’ll find a way to stop feeling guilty for being weak and needing him when I shouldn’t have.”
“What do you mean? How did your being weak cause a problem? You’re one of the strongest men I know.”
Miles sighed. He’d told the full story to Caroline, but he still hadn’t shared any of his past in Africa with Gil. The young man deserved to know the truth about the time they’d been taken hostage in Somalia. As he told his tale, Miles felt colder and colder. Maybe the air around him had cooled down as the night wore on, or more likely each revelation stripped away another layer of protection, leaving him more vulnerable.
Gil could see the obvious pain it caused Miles to remember and bare his soul. He didn’t interrupt and sat, listening as Miles described how they’d been held for ransom by warlords while working in Africa for an aid agency. He couldn’t help wincing as Miles recounted how he’d been flogged repeatedly. Gil resisted the urge to comfort, not wanting to distract or interrupt the flow. He had a feeling that Miles might break if he tried, and Gil needed to know what happened. Miles refused to meet his eyes, staring out to sea as if seeing the past while he haltingly described the fateful day when, after a particularly vicious session and against all their efforts to pretend they weren’t lovers, Miles turned to Darren for comfort. Their actions were detected and Darren had been dragged out and repeatedly raped by a succession of sadistic guards. It had been ages before he let Miles touch him, and by the time he did, they’d been released with the subsequent medical tests revealing Darren had contracted HIV.
