by Gayle, A. B.
No wonder Miles feels responsible, Gil realised. Various things dropped into place: the doctor’s constant apologies, his need to atone, his dominating personality. Although his self esteem was in his boots, he felt a survivor’s guilt, he was never-the-less attempting to exert his control over whatever situation he was in. Gil began to wonder what he would be taking on if he pursued their relationship. Then he realised he didn’t care. Miles was Miles after all, the sum of what life had given him, and Gil wasn’t without his own baggage either. “We’re all products of our pasts,” he offered sympathetically.
Gil’s calm acceptance of the horrific truth made Miles appreciate the young man even more. Miles sighed and shakily traced the other side of Gil’s jaw. “Yeah, but we should learn from what happened and move on.” The question is: can we? Can I?
“You ought to stop using that word then. Darren said that… in my…dream, whatever it was. He said you should stop blaming yourself, and you don’t have to take it like a man any more…”
“What word? Guilt?”
“Should. I should move on, I should stop feeling guilty, I should this, I should that. How you feel is how you feel, because the bottom line is, Miles, you are you. Stop apologising for that all the time.”
Miles snorted. Should? What if it’s: I shouldn’t want you so much right now that it hurts to be near you and not able to touch you? “I just hope I don’t forget the good times. I don’t want to remember Darren as he was in his last days. I want to remember him as he was in the photos I left back at Haven Falls, especially the one taken when we first met.”
“Don’t feel bad about forgetting them; they rushed us out of there too fast.” Gil watched Miles’ face. He looked wistful, a little lost. Once again Gil wanted so badly to reach out and offer comfort. “Would you do something for me? I would go, but it’s a long way back to my bedside…”
“What do you need?”
“That canvas bag of mine, the one in the locker? With all my stuff in.”
36: Sex on the Beach
Miles Sutherland, Carter (Gil) Gillespie
___________________________________________________
5th February, Rapatoka Island
Miles raised his eyebrows at Gil’s request. “Okay.” He shrugged and ambled back along the path to the small building that served as the island’s “hospital” and retrieved Gil’s bag as quietly as he could. It was heavier than he expected and banged against his shins as he jogged back down to the beach. “Is this what you want?”
“Careful…” Gil took it from him and placed it on the table, loosening the buckles and rummaging inside. “I have something for you. Maybe now is the time you need them…” He brought out the small bundles one at a time. Instead of the original hastily grabbed towel he’d used, Gil had managed to re-wrap them more carefully in bubble wrap and paper while they were on the plane.
At first as Gil retrieved the parcels from his bag, Miles hadn’t paid much attention to what he was doing, assuming the young man just wanted clothes or something. He barely gave it much thought when he took the first small parcel from Gil’s grasp and slowly removed the covering. As soon as the contents were revealed, all the breath escaped from his lungs in one whoosh. He stared in wonder at the young man beside him, the picture momentarily forgotten in his hands.
Gil watched Miles’ face as he carefully took out the rest of the pictures and stood transfixed. “He was part of you,” he said gently. “I shouldn’t feel threatened by that. He made you what you are, a loving dedicated man who can be an SOB sometimes, but whose heart is in the right place.”
“Thank you.” Miles shook his head as he placed the photos on the table. “Words can’t begin to describe how I feel.”
Gil shrugged and stared off into the distance, refusing to meet Miles’ eyes again.
Miles grabbed the sides of Gil’s head, tilting his face up to stare into those beautiful sad eyes. “Gil, don’t get me wrong. Do you want to know my first thought when I saw those photos?”
Gil nodded, but in his heart of hearts he really had no desire to hear that Miles’ thoughts were once again with his dead husband. Although what he had expected he wasn’t sure. Wasn’t that why he had done what he had done? But that was before his own feelings had coalesced so strongly and become so disturbingly clear.
“First up was relief that the photos weren’t lost.” Miles relaxed his grip and smoothed the area he’d held, but he wouldn’t let Gil turn his head away, wouldn’t let him go. “But the big reaction, the one that really hit home… hit me for six… out of the ballpark… was that you would do that for me.” Miles gave a wry grin. “I’m not sure I deserve someone as unselfish as you.” He leaned over and brushed his lips again lightly over Gil’s. “Thank you. Thank you for the photos, but most of all from the bottom of my heart, thank you for being you.”
“All any of us can ever be, Miles. Remember that.” Gil smiled a little sadly and reached to grasp the fabric around Miles’ waist, tugging him closer. “And talking of shouldn’t, I have a confession to make…” Now or never, Gil thought, taking another deep breath. “I shouldn’t love you, but I do…” Gil closed his eyes, unwilling to face rejection. “I’m sorry if this complicates things for you…”
A sudden gust of air off the lagoon sent a shiver up Miles’ spine. All the complications and uncertainties of the past few weeks wrapped themselves into a tight bundle and exploded like a dandelion clock, the seeds of doubt wafting away on the breeze, leaving him breathless. The breeze also cleared his brain, helped him understand his reaction when he saw the pictures. It had come as a surprise to discover that he had actually accepted their loss. Some part of him must have been ready to let go, even if he was too pigheaded to listen to it. In the soft light of the moon, Miles could see the worry in Gil’s expression as he waited for a response, his whole body tense with anticipation.
Unable to stand the tension any longer, Gil’s face screwed up in anguish and the young man tried to escape from his grasp. Miles’ world lurched; images flashing through his brain of what his life would be like without Gil; a world where he spent his nights alone, his spirit gradually dessicating and shrivelling up so that all that remained was the husk of a man. Shred him, and he’d be no better than the coconuts scattered on the ground around him. He couldn’t be like that. Without even thinking, his body made the decision for him, transferring his grip to Gil’s shoulders and using all his strength to prevent him from moving.
“No, wait…. please. This isn’t easy for me.” When Gil stopped struggling to break free, Miles brushed the back of his fingers across Gil’s soft lips and whispered. “What you just said… it shook me to my core. I never expected to hear anyone say those words to me again. Once, I wouldn’t have even dreamed I wanted to hear them. Wouldn’t have thought I needed to. All I know now is that ever since I met you, you’ve weaselled your way into my heart, occupying spaces I didn’t even know existed. It’s not that you’ve supplanted Darren, more that he’s moved aside to make room for you as well.”
“I think you ought to realise you’ve a big enough heart for both of us.”
“But do you want to be there? Should you be? There’s still a shit load of emotional baggage I’m carrying inside.”
“Don’t we all? Call me naive but that’s part of living, isn’t it?”
Miles smiled and traced the edge of Gil’s mouth with the tip of his finger. “All I know is that when I look at you, my knees turn to jelly, and I’ve had to struggle against this overwhelming urge to reach out and touch you all the time.” His fingers shifted to the edge of Gil’s jaw, relishing the opportunity to feel the soft bristles and know that Gil didn’t mind his caresses, seemed to accept his touch. Those brown eyes were shining up at him now, the softness of the unguarded expression, making his fingers tremble.
“Then don’t stop yourself,” Gil said gently, covering Miles’ hand with his own. “Perhaps…we could add a few new memories to those photos then?”
/> “As many as you like.” Miles moved forward as Gil opened his legs further and let their bodies touch. A jolt ran through him from the point of contact, sparking off a chain reaction, threatening to break all the restraints he’d placed on himself ever since their one night together. The lock on his heart had broken a long time ago, even though he hadn’t acknowledged the fact, or been willing to admit the truth. Miles leaned in and kissed Gil properly, trying to show Gil how he felt even if he didn’t have the words to tell him yet.
This time, Gil surrendered completely. Actions spoke louder than words ever could. He let his body react to the proximity of the man who had captured him, heart and mind, body and soul. It was all at once like tumbling off a precipice at the same time as being safe and warm… confusing and yet completely natural, as inevitable as breathing. He opened his mouth to the kisses, his uninjured hand sliding up Miles’ neck to hold him there.
Miles cradled Gil’s head and carefully lowered him so his back rested on the table, taking care to avoid further injuring his arm. Then he pulled away and stood up straight, his gaze never breaking with Gil’s as his hands slid all over Gil’s naked chest: warming the skin, sensing the rapid beat of his heart under his palm, feeling the nipples peak and twitch under the attention of his thumb; tracing in his mind the essence of the man who just admitted he loved him. When he was satisfied he had the image fully mapped, he leaned over and let his mouth and tongue follow where his fingers had led as if they had pointed out to him the best places to visit, the places to kiss, the places to worship. Gil groaned as Miles took one hard nub into his mouth and sucked. Hard.
Arching his back beneath Miles’ ministrations, Gil submitted completely to the warmth of his touch and the hot mouth on his sensitive skin. He opened his eyes, seeing the vast vault of stars above them both, thousands of tiny pinpricks of illumination unmarred by the light pollution that he would have seen back home. Out here, they were hundreds of miles from civilisation, just the two of them. Gil slid his good hand up behind Miles’ neck and dragged him back again, sealing his lips over the doctor’s in a searching kiss. His tongue begged entry and swiped along Miles’ bottom lip, tasting the man. Gil slipped his hand down Miles’ chest, trailing through the hair, nails raking gently across the skin, making his presence felt. He slid his hand further, felt the cool cotton of the native skirt Miles was wearing. He let his fingers curl and squeezed gently. He was rewarded with a moan and he slid the same hand around the back, pulling Miles closer.
Miles knees threatened to give way. This was all too much again, he felt what little control he had splintering away each time Gil touched him. Memories of rutting like a stag during their last encounter when Gil was fit and healthy surfaced. Miles groaned. He couldn’t do this. He pulled back, needing to put space between them before his body took over. “I can’t.”
“Can’t what?”
“Control myself around you.”
“Then don’t. Miles, why do you hold back? What makes you think I don’t want this?”
“You saw what it was like between us last time, before we left Haven Falls. Rough. The actions of a man out of control. I’m just scared of hurting you. Afterward, I was ashamed of the way I’d fucked you. I want to make love to you, not shag you like I did back then.”
Gil laughed. “Miles, I am not made of porcelain, I won’t break. Sure, I may be a little damaged, but I’m on the mend. I wish you wouldn’t be so…I don’t know, so worried you’ll do something wrong.”
“Well, just stop me if I do.” Miles pressed soft kisses on Gil’s chest, working his way down to the junction of skin and boxer shorts where Gil’s erection pushed the material up, leaving a gap for his tongue to investigate. Using his teeth, he worked the button undone and peeled the opening away so he could access Gil’s straining cock.
Gil let out the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding in anticipation. He was so hard he ached. He lay back, loosening the tension in his shoulders, allowing Miles freedom to do what he wanted. It just felt so good to be so… what, loved? Did Miles really love him in return? Gil found he didn’t care. For the moment, the doctor was the one doing the caring.
Miles worked his way down, letting the hard shaft brush against his cheeks as he lathed the skin in Gil’s groin. The musky scent went straight to his own dick and he had to prevent himself from snuffling like a pig as he worked his way around to Gil’s scrotum. A single drop of pre-cum glistened at the tip. Miles licked it off, slowly savouring the taste, and then returned to his nuzzling of Gil’s balls, taking first one, then the other into his mouth. He was rewarded by a gasp this time. Last time, everything had been so quick, so intense that he hadn’t had time to really appreciate anything. He’d been so desperate, almost panicked that it might have been his one and only chance with Gil. Now he wanted to go slow and take his time, enjoy the man, enjoy the sex. He pressed the testicle gently against the roof of his mouth and hummed to himself. He could get addicted to this. They didn’t have lube or condoms with them, so he couldn’t do much more than give him a blow job, but tonight that would be enough.
A soft groan made its way into Miles’ consciousness. He reluctantly relinquished the soft ball from his mouth and pulled back to look at Gil. “Are we still on the same page?” The breath caught in his throat at the soft smile resting on the young man’s lips.
“Never mind the same page, I’m not on the same planet…” Gil moaned softly. “For God’s sake, Miles, don’t stop now…”
“I won’t, don’t worry.” Miles leaned back down and wrapped his lips around the head of Gil’s cock. Something settled inside when he did. Something that said this is right, this is what he needs, this is what you need. It was like a voice speaking to him, not Darren’s although he felt as if Darren was sitting on his shoulder, enjoying the moment as much as he was. This time there was no guilt, no anxiety, no need to rush.
He drew the hard length deeper inside, sucking hard, gaining another groan from Gil. His own cock pulsed with each beat of his heart. He reached under the fold of his native skirt and gave his hard aching shaft a reassuring stroke before returning to caress Gil’s skin, revelling in the feel of that soft smoothness under his calloused palm.
If he was being honest with himself, it was Gil’s youth and strength that also touched a chord inside, obliterating all memories of sickness and frailty. “Stop beating yourself over the head with guilt, Miles. Enjoy him.” Miles glanced up, but Gil’s eyes were shut as he lay back on the hard surface, his face relaxed, blissful. No, it had been Darren’s soft New England drawl in his head, not Gil’s more clipped British tones. Miles sighed and returned to the task in hand. He’d arrived at Redemption Reef both hoping and fearing a younger, healthy version of his late husband would miraculously appear. Once he’d accepted the fact that Darren would never be there in person, he’d discovered that in a way he was still present. He hadn’t been kidding when he told Gil that Darren remained locked in his heart, but that he’d moved aside to allow the younger man in.
Miles smiled as Gil gave a soft moan; the sound turning him on just as much as the feel of the hard length in his mouth. He loved the fact that Gil was a demonstrative lover, that he was not afraid of letting him hear and know how he felt. The tip of Gil’s cock brushed the back of his throat and, for a second, the involuntary gag reflex made Miles pause, but then he relaxed into the moment and let the length slide further down. He swallowed.
Somewhere in the recesses of Gil’s mind, beyond the pleasure he was experiencing as Miles’ talented tongue took him closer to the precipice, he realised something. He hadn’t given a second’s thought to Simon. In the past, even after they had split so acrimoniously, Gil had found himself considering how Simon would view something or what he would think. It had taken him a long time to realise how much influence the pedantic bastard had over him, how much he had still governed his thoughts and feelings even after he had gone. Miles, though, in his own sweet way, had broken through that conditioning. J
ust as Darren had moved aside to allow room for Gil, Gil had thrown Simon completely out of the equation to let Miles in to his heart. He felt freer than he had in a long time. Never mind Gil weaselling into Miles’ heart, Miles had done his own fair share of weaselling in return. Gil couldn’t imagine not having the doctor in his life now. He was glad he didn’t have to imagine it. He had no idea where life would take them, but he had a good idea it would be interesting and fulfilling. Gil reached down and found Miles’ hair beneath his fingers .
Miles felt a tentative touch on his head as he bobbed up and down, sucking hard as he drew Gil in, using his tongue, savoring the drops of pre-cum leaking from the tip. God, he loved this. Loved being able to give another man pleasure, loved to hear him moan. Gil’s body jerked under his touch, so he soothed it with stronger caresses. This wasn’t about control, this wasn’t even about the sex. This was about showing Gil that he cared.
Lost in the moment, Gil felt the slow build, the pressure and fullness at the base of his cock. He arched his back, scrabbled to gain purchase for his fingers on the table’s edge. This was amazing; not as intense as their previous encounter but altogether more fulfilling. It promised more, much more. Gil reached the point of no return with a long drawn-out groan and his fingers fisted in Miles’ hair as he came. Gasping for air, eyes wide, he rode the waves of pleasure that wouldn’t let him go. An impossibly long time later he opened his eyes on the stars above, breathing hard and trying to bring his fast-beating heart under control again.
