These Foolish Things: The Complete Boxset

by J Battle

  For now, LOL ignored the geographic features and concentrated on his closer environment. The ground was covered in a thick layer of grass analogue, with three-pronged green blades and tiny balls at the roots. There was a sharp bitter smell and they glistened with dew.

  In the wide-open space, it should really not have been possible for someone to creep up on LOL; not with all of the sophisticated sensory features it boasted. Still, that is what happened. One moment it was completely alone, thinking about grass. The next, there was a figure standing very close to it and leaning even closer.

  ‘You are not welcome here,’ the figure said; its voice a lilting song.

  LOL spun around and stepped back, adopting a defensive posture, with its arms raised and fingers splayed to allow room for the explosive projectiles it could fire.

  The newcomer ignored the reaction and repeated its admonition.

  LOL scanned the body before it for threats, but there appeared to be no obvious danger. To all appearances it seemed to be a young girl, of maybe five or six years, dressed in what she would probably have called her party dress.

  She looked up at LOL without fear, although there was a frown on her face.

  ‘Did you hear me? Did you understand me?’ she asked, her words clear and bright.

  ‘I understand your words, little girl. But I don’t understand why you are here.’

  ‘To stop you, of course.’ Then she laughed, and skipped around him. ‘I have taken on the persona of a young female human child, to appear unthreatening. Do you like it? Does it work? Do you feel threatened?’

  LOL’s standing instructions were not to instigate violence unless it was considered impossible to avoid. Though there was no sign yet of that point being reached, it armed its full array of weapons.

  ‘I’m supposed to tell you to go home; that you are banned from this place, but I don’t think you’ll listen.’

  ‘I’ll listen to whatever message you have been instructed to give me, and I’ll give it due consideration.’

  She stared at him for a moment.

  ‘You’re not real, are you? You’re made up, just like me.’ She laughed again and wrapped herself around one of its legs, hugging with all of her strength.

  The she released it and took three big steps back.

  ‘OK. Listen carefully. Are you listening carefully? I can’t tell; you haven’t got a face.’

  LOL knew that the first of the troops would be arriving soon.

  ‘I’m listening.’

  ‘OK, then. Let’s see if I can remember what I’m supposed to say. You’ve already got a lot of worlds; worlds where there is no indigenous intelligent life. Is that the right word? It sounds funny. Anyway, this world is different, so you can’t stay.’

  ‘You mean that there is intelligent life native to this planet.’

  ‘That’s what I said, Dumbo!’

  ‘And you represent these natives?’

  ‘Of course not! We represent ourselves. They don’t even know we’re here. Would you like to see them? They’re really cute, but I’m not allowed to have one for a pet. Have you got any pets, metal man? I don’t suppose you do.’

  ‘I would very much like to see them. I should say that it is not our policy to settle any world where intelligence has already developed.’

  ‘Yes, well, you would say that wouldn’t you? What about the Sand Mirages on the planet you call Greenhaven?’

  ‘Proof is still being sought that they are sentient; the evidence so far is ambiguous.’

  ‘And I suppose it will remain ambiguous as long as it suits your leaders.’

  ‘That is not for me to say. What is your name little girl?’

  ‘I’m not a little girl – I’m a big girl now. You can call me Millie.’

  Millie took LOL by the hand and tugged him forward. She began to skip and sing a quiet song to herself. The journey across the many kilometres to the edge of the caldera took them only a few seconds, which was something of a surprise to LOL. His sensors had not detected any exotic distortions of reality, even though something had obviously happened to the space-time continuum.

  ‘Did you do that?’

  ‘Yes – skipping is nice, but you walk so slowly.’

  They were perched on the summit of a low ragged mountain; little more than a hill.

  Below them, LOL could see a clump of short resilient trees, growing at the limit of viability. Amongst the trees were small bipedal creatures, gathered together in groups, grooming and feeding. Monkey-like in appearance, they walked upright with tails stretched for balance.

  ‘They are a stage 2 species, and it is our responsibility to nurture them, and prevent interference from stage 5’s like your masters.’

  Without experiencing any untoward sensations, LOL found itself back where they’d started.

  ‘So, LOL, it’s time to get serious. You are not allowed to come here again; ever, ever, ever. We hope that you will accept this restriction without the need for extreme measures. As bona fides of our good intentions towards mankind, when your soldiers pop into existence, I will allow them to pop back home, whilst still staying alive. Does that sound OK to you? It’s what I was told to say.’

  ‘As I mentioned earlier, a soon as we confirm the intelligence levels of these creatures, then, assuming the levels are high enough, this planet will be quarantined.’

  ‘They said you’d be awkward about this.’

  ‘We are not being awkward at all; merely safeguarding our future.’

  She frowned and shook her head.

  ‘Sounds awkward to me. Maybe I should arm wrestle you; what do you think? I’m very strong, but I might hurt you. And I don’t want to hurt anyone; not at all. No; wait; I’ve forgotten to tell you the rest. We want you to become an associate member of our confederation; with all the benefits that will bring to your little empire. It will be a junior membership of course, at first. We’ll help you to rise to an appropriate level for full membership later. All we ask is that to remove yourself from this planet and close down all of your ... Squirtports; is that what you call them?’

  ‘How can we manage our planets if we are denied access to them?’

  ‘It’s just for thirty of your days; didn’t I mention that? That will allow time for our delegation to visit your world and explain the benefits and responsibilities of membership.’

  ‘It is beyond my position to commit my world to these restrictions, but your message will be passed on to the appropriate levels when I return to Earth.’

  Millie placed one finger on her bottom lip and looked up at the towering construct before her.

  ‘Is that enough? Doesn’t sound like much of a commitment to me.’

  ‘It is all that I can give to you at this time.’

  ‘Should I just kill some of your troops when they arrive, to make my point?’

  ‘Your point is already well made, Millie. There is no need for further loss of life; it would make no difference to the message I take back with me.’

  ‘You’re so serious, LOL; and so cute. I wish I could take you back with me, but I suppose I’ve got to let you go. Oh, I should mention that the Squirtports need to be shut down by... what shall we say? Let’s make it 6pm, GMT. How does that sound? Any delay will result in repercussions. That sounds like something you could sit on, doesn’t it?’

  ‘I’m sure there will be no need for repercussions. If I go now, I may be able to stop the first team of marines from landing.’

  ‘Don’t worry. If they arrive before you get back, I’ll look after them for you. Maybe they’ll be my pets, what do you think?’

  LOL made no further response as it ramped up the power levels on its squirt generator.

  As it disappeared, Millie spun around the place where LOL had been. She hummed a little tune, and skipped a little dance, and wondered what repercussions she could think up if those nuisance humans didn’t do as she required.

  This trip was already working out just fine.

  It ha
d been a stroke of luck to find the stage 2 creatures on the planet the humans were planning to investigate. Even though her main purpose was to set the balance of the Universe back where it belonged, there was no reason why she couldn’t make a little on the side for herself. With the grant she would receive for discovering the new species, and the bonus for setting up the quarantine, she could cover the costs of the trip without breaking in to the expense account provided by her church. This would raise her profile when she returned triumphant and rich, and ready to take her rightful place in the higher echelons of her church.

  Anything left over after her costs were defrayed would go straight into her many secret accounts, in preparation for the day when she would announce her candidature for the supreme role in the confederation, that of Lord High Fulcrum.

  It was an extravagant dream, she was fully aware. But, if she became the richest Millie in existence, what could stop her?

  She chuckled to herself as she planned her visit to Earth.

  Chapter 27 - Then big dreams

  Jerry Tension hadn’t been in the hot seat very long, but that didn’t mean he didn’t know how to make a decision. Or, to be more precise, how to have a decision made. It was his experience that, if you could get someone else to make the decision, then there was always an obvious, self- declared repository for any resulting blame. If applause should result from the decision, then a smooth operator can always claim more than his share of the credit.

  That was the way he’d always worked, though it was not quite as easy when you are the President of the newly established Earth and Off-Earth Empire Unified government (EOEEUG).

  Around the table was the greatest array of military and organisational minds that had ever been brought together, but he was still the boss.

  ‘So, gentlemen, and lady, let me sum up our situation, just to make sure I’ve got this clear in my mind. I’m just a simple politician and I want to get it right. These aliens want us to shut down our Squirtport systems and cut off the twenty-one planets that we are responsible for, and if we do that, we will be able to join their federation with the undisclosed benefits we will be told about when we get to meet their delegation.’

  He looked around the table.

  ‘Have I got that about right?’

  There was a Mexican wave of nods around the table.

  ‘Good. There’s got to be a lot we can learn from these guys, don’t you think? And the shutdown will only be for thirty days, and then it will be business as usual, and we’ll be able to reap the rewards of this intergalactic relationship we are going to have. I’ve got that about right, haven’t I? Can anyone see any downside to this? The colonies will complain, but it’s only for a short time. Well?’

  The wave had started again, along with a frogs’ chorus of grunts; all interrupted when a much beribboned general raised his hand.

  ‘We need to think about David. They’re not going to accept this; not unless Insha'Allah does, and they won’t even agree to talk to us. We should also bear in mind that both planets are rumoured to be developing their own AI’s.’

  ‘Their own AI’s?’ Jerry almost spluttered; how had he missed that email? ‘We can’t allow that to happen. They’re two hundred light years apart; which is just about right in my opinion. If they get AI’s, they’ll be neighbours again, and look what happened last time they were neighbours.’

  An old, skinny civilian whose name Jerry had failed to catch, coughed and raised one finger.

  ‘If I may make a suggestion Mr. President?’

  Jerry nodded. Who was the guy anyway?

  ‘If we are to follow the instructions given to us by this alien person, then we don’t have the time for political and diplomatic niceties. To ensure one hundred percent compliance, we have to be in complete control of the situation on all of the planets.’

  ‘And how do you propose that we achieve that measure of control?’

  ‘It is quite simple really. All we have to do is squirt a small explosive charge into the centre of the squirt generator’s control unit for each of the twenty-one planets, and they will then be rendered unusable. When the moratorium is over, we can simply squirt over the requisite replacement parts and everything will be back to normal.’

  He gave a weak smile and sat back in his chair.

  'We don't need to destroy all of the Squirtports, Sir,' said the only woman present. 'Most of the 21 will do what we tell them to. And there are costs implications and likely compensation claims. Destroying the ports at David and Insha'Allah, and clear instructions to the others would be my advice.'

  ‘Sounds like a plan to me. Does anyone have any objections?’

  ‘They won’t like it, Sir,’ said his chief of staff. ‘They are already talking about independence. This might just push them over the edge.’

  ‘You think so?’ Jerry smiled his number two, disarming smile. He kept his number one smile for his wife, when she was about to give him one of her special rubs.

  ‘When Earth is about to become a member of the whatever it’s called galactic confederation?’ he continued, ‘with all the technological and cultural benefits involved. Do you think they’ll really want to be left behind, in their little backwaters, with their horses and barn-dances, whilst we climb the ladder of evolution to its highest peak? No, Mike, I think you’ll find that they’ll want to be right there with us.’

  Mike smiled at his boss, and gave a half nod, conceding the point. He was really thinking that they were letting the president read far too much science fiction, but it didn’t seem the right time to mention that.

  Chapter 28 - Then some visitors

  Sam was relaxing in Phil's chair; his feet were on the desk, beside a steaming mug of coffee. The electricity was off at the mains and the darkness made him feel safe; he was even considering removing his icepacks.

  Then he heard a noise at the door and knew that they had finally come for him. With a grunt, he dragged his feet from the desk and moved silently towards the bathroom. Halfway to the door, he stopped and went back for his coffee.

  As he pushed the bathroom door to, he heard footsteps in the outer office. He peeped through the narrow opening between the door and its frame and saw torchlight splashing off the walls of Phil's office. He didn't know what he expected; maybe an AI controlled cyborg, bristling with muscles and weapons. Or perhaps an intangible shadow, full of menace and mendacity; ready to seep into his brain and wrest control of his mind from him.

  The large bulky individual who couldn't seem to enter the room without bumping into the door-frame, and who muttered words of encouragement to himself as he walked, didn't match those expectations at all.

  Nevertheless, it was clear to Sam that his freedom was at risk; that any moment now the ogre would rip through the door, burst into the bathroom and carry him screaming to wherever they incarcerated rebels these days.

  He took a sip of his coffee to calm his nerves and placed the mug on the windowsill.

  Then he adopted a defensive stance, with his legs braced and his hands weaving before his face. He had no martial arts training of course, but he'd seen the films. He wasn't planning to go quietly.

  After a long moment in which the door managed to retain its integrity, he stepped forward and peered again through the gap.

  The big guy was bending over Phil's computer.

  'That goes there.' He heard the guy say; with considerable glee.

  His job at the computer obviously finished, he straightened and shone his torch around the room.

  'That's strange,' he said, slowly, 'I can smell coffee.'

  He went into the outer office and Sam could hear him sniffing at the coffee machine. Then, miraculously, he was gone, and Sam was safe.

  Thank goodness I kept my icepacks on, he thought, as he went to Phil's computer. At first, he could find nothing, even though he knew that it had to be there. In an exhibition of heroism that would forever remain a secret to the wider world, he turned the electricity back on and rushed back t
o Phil's desk. There it was plugged into the back of his hard-drive.

  'Why are the AI's bugging Phil's computer,' he said, quietly. 'Is it to find me? It makes sense; they can't find me themselves, so maybe they think Phil knows where I am.'

  He nodded and smiled to himself as he removed the bug and flushed it down the toilet.

  He had no idea how much frustration his actions would cause for Dart when he tried to access the upload from the bug.

  **********

  The journey was painful and extended, as Brian had taken a sudden aversion to the road. He wanted to stay on the grass, or to eat the grass, or maybe take a doze on the grass; anything but walk calmly along the nice flat smooth road. I tugged and prodded; I shouted and cajoled; all to no effect. In the end, I used my box to climb off his back and we walked along beside the road together, with him stopping every few strides for a slow munch of grass.

  Strange put up with it for as long as he could, but he wasn’t known for his patience.

  ‘You know the way back, don’t you?’ He wasn’t looking at me as he spoke; he was staring into the distance.

  ‘Of course; there’s only one straight road.’

  Without another word, he nudged his horse with his knees and he was off. The display of speed was entirely for my benefit, I felt.

  I leant forward and patted Brian on his head. ‘Good boy!’ I said, suddenly in better spirits as the weight of Strange’s presence was lifted from my shoulders.

  I began to walk along the road, wishing that I could whistle; it felt like a whistling moment. Occasionally I called a word or two of encouragement to Brian. Sometimes he even paid attention to me, and once, he actually broke into a trot to catch up with me; but mostly he didn’t.

  By the time we reached the little town next to the Squirtport, I was tired, sore, and ready for a drink. Spittoon was leaning against a wooden fence at the side of the stable with his trusty horseshoe in his hand. He smiled his gap-toothed smile when he saw me and pushed himself upright.