These Foolish Things: The Complete Boxset

by J Battle

  ‘Where’s this spacesuit then?’

  It was really neat, I must say. Formfitting and brilliant white, with a built-in jet pack and two dinky little joy-sticks. I didn’t know what they were for, but they were really cool.

  ‘Why do I need a spacesuit?’ I know; it was an obvious question that should have occurred to me much earlier.

  ‘Firstly, if the situation develops in such a way that you need to escape, you won’t be able to squirt all the way back here; not in one go, at least. So you will emerge in hard space, so a spacesuit might be useful, don’t you think?’

  ‘You trying to be sarky?’ I said, thinking about spinning around, lost between planets. ‘How many squirts would it take to get me home?’

  ‘Well, this planetoid is approximately 720 light years from Earth, and you can self-squirt a little under million miles in a single squirt, so…’

  ‘Stop, I don’t want to know.’ Even I could see that there was no way I was squirting home, and my maths is terrible. ‘Where am I actually going to squirt to?’

  ‘Oh, Philip, you’ve spoiled my bit of fun. There is an experimental way-station situated within 20 million miles of the planetoid. You will squirt there and then you will use their facilities to squirt all the way home.’

  ‘Secondly, you said firstly, so there must be a secondly.’ Nothing gets past me.

  ‘Indeed, Philip. The second benefit to wearing a spacesuit proof against chemical, biological and radioactive agents is obvious in case Lord reacts in a non-positive way to your presence.’

  I was sold on the spacesuit, and it really was neat.

  So, a little too soon for my liking, I found myself strapped inside the probe that frankly was little larger than a coffin, and the pair of soldiers who’d assisted me, a little indelicately, into my spacesuit and then into my coffin, were just about to seal me inside when I cried, ‘Wait! Hang on a minute. You’ve only gone and forgot my helmet.’ The idiots, I thought. What good’s a spacesuit without a helmet?

  ‘Oh, I did intend to mention that. We can’t close the probe if you’re wearing a helmet. There isn’t enough room inside.

  ‘What! That better be some sort of a joke, because, if it isn’t, I’m getting out of here.’

  I wasn’t actually moving to support my threat, because they’d strapped me, and no-one had told me how to work the release mechanism.

  ‘Of course it’s a joke, Philip. What good is spacesuit without a helmet? In this case, you have the latest technology available to you, at no extra cost.’

  ‘Where is it, then? I‘m not flying without it.’

  ‘The spacesuit will, when required, create a protective repulsion/containment field around your head and neck, protecting you in a much more effective manner than a solid helmet would be able to. And your vision will be unrestricted.’

  ‘So, I won’t be able to see it?’

  ‘No, but you will be able to see everything else with crystal clarity, because the field will enhance your vision.’

  ‘But, I won’t be able to see it?’

  ‘No, I believe that I mentioned that as one of its many benefits.’

  I don’t think he was getting where I was going with this.

  ‘If I can’t see it, how will I know it’s there? Will I be able to touch it?’

  ‘No, it will see your hands as unthreatening and allow them to pass through without restriction.’

  ‘So, I can’t see it, and I can’t touch it, so how will I know it’s there?’

  ‘Perhaps I could ask them to make it hum, just a little, so only you could hear?’

  Chapter 9 Then, twinkle, twinkle…And Oh, No! It’s…

  Jimmy James was a mostly happy nine-year old, despite his parents’ failures in the naming department. Still, he’d much rather they’d all stayed on Earth.

  He missed his friends and his old school, but most of all he missed his Nana and Pops. They were squirting over in the summer, his father had told him, but that was months off.

  Araera wasn’t that bad, and his father had the coolest job, so Jimmy tried to make the most of the situation.

  His father worked in the logging industry here, and got to cut down the massive, 200 metres tall Totem trees. For the first year of his contract, he‘d commuted from Earth; squirting in on Monday mornings and back on Friday afternoons. But he’d fallen in love with the place, and he wanted his family with him.

  So here they were, in the house his father had custom built for his family, though it was hard to think how he could have found the time. Jimmy had been frowning on the way to the new house, because it wasn’t his real home, and Nana and Pops were so far away. But, when he saw his room, that frown got turned right upside down.

  Not only was the room three times the size of his terrestrial bedroom, it also sported a domed skylight, fitted with a special chair that could lift him up into the dome. Every night he spent the last hour of the day up there, isolated from the rest of the world and surrounded by stars. With the almost total lack of light pollution, and with this planetary system being so much closer to the centre of the Galaxy than Earth, the show was amazing. Everywhere he looked there were stars, making up for the absence of a moon with their ever-present light.

  He would wait until the last moment, when he was sure that his mother was thinking about shouting upstairs to direct him to bed, and then it would come, the first new star peeping over the horizon. It wasn’t the star he was waiting for though; that was still on its way. Almost immediately the second star emerged, just to one side of the first. But, again, that was not the star.

  And then it did come; a new star forming an inverted triangle with the first pair. That was it; home. Sol didn’t shine any brighter than the others, but, to him, it was special. He held up his two thumbs ahead of him, and each blocked a star, leaving Sol all alone.

  ‘Good night, Nana,‘ he said. ‘Good night, Pops.’

  He was about to drop his thumbs and try to get to bed before his mother called, when, suddenly, Sol was not alone. Just below and to its left, a new star rose; a star that he’d never seen before, glowing with a rosy light.

  He remained staring at the newcomer for what seemed an age, then his mother called.

  ‘Sorry, Mum,’ he called, as he pressed the lever to lower the chair.

  Moments later, snuggled up in his bed, he remembered the new star. He yawned and stretched, and decided to ask his father about it in the morning.

  There is no public record of Jimmy having that conversation with his father, that morning, or any other morning.

  Events rather overtook the interests of a young boy.

  Whilst the boy slept, the new shining body in the sky above Araera was recorded by official astronomers, as were those above David, Inshalla, JD, OK, Resthaven, Earth, and so many other planets of Earth’s growing empire.

  The only planet not to receive a new satellite was Greenhaven.

  Of course, it didn’t take anyone very long to discover that these were not all new stars, appearing out of nowhere, that they were not distant stellar bodies at all, but were much closer to the planets around which they orbited.

  They were the handiwork of the Minloggies of course, and their placement was guided by the will of a certain alien named Millie.

  Each twinkling gem of pink light was in fact a Tlorestie containment field, and within its oscillating boundary was held, seemingly against all the laws of nature, a mini-black hole, waiting for the moment of its release.

  **********

  Julie was quite pleased with their new offices. They might have only six months in which to use them, but they were sumptuous and prestigious, and the view was something to talk about.

  She had her own office, and it had a corner location, so it had the extra windows. Phil’s office wasn’t quite as nice, or nearly as large, but he was off somewhere, and she had first dibs.

  Today was their first day open for business, and she’d placed adverts in all of the best places that they could a
fford, so she was full of hope.

  The only cloud on the horizon, or next door to be more accurate, was Sam. Since arriving back on Earth he’d seemed tense and uncomfortable, not at all the way he’d been on Aloha.

  She’d just found him in the stationery cupboard. He’d removed all of the shelves and set up a chair and a desk in the far corner.

  ‘I feel better in here,‘ he’d told her. ‘There are no windows or communication equipment. And I’ve disabled all the plugs.’

  That had her worried, but what had really disturbed her was the roll of kitchen foil in the middle of his desk.

  ‘At least he hasn’t started with the face-paint,’ she’d muttered, as she’d closed the door to the stationery cupboard/Sam’s office behind her.

  She’d only just got back to her office when the doorbell chimed.

  How quaint, she thought as she turned.

  ‘Good morning,‘ she said, with a broad professional smile, as she opened the door.

  ‘And to you,’ replied the very tall individual in the sharp suit.

  ‘Please come in and let me see what we can do for you.’ She stepped back to allow him room. ‘Can I get you a coffee?’

  ‘That’s very kind. Black, strong, no sugar and nothing done to it.’

  Moments later, they were sitting on either side of her desk, both imbibing caffeine.

  ‘Excuse me, do you mind?’ he asked, as he put his coffee down, and unslung the shoulder bag from his shoulder.

  ‘No, go ahead.’

  From the neck of the opened bag popped out a little black and white head, with whiskers and a little beard and big ears.

  ‘Oh, how cute? What is…he?’

  ‘He’s a mini-Shih-Zu, and he’s called Zen,’ said the client, proudly.

  ‘I’d love a dog, but we’ve been travelling so much lately.’

  ‘I need to give him his morning pouch, or he’ll get all grumpy and yappy.’

  As he spoke, he ripped open a small sachet and squeezed the contents into the little dog’s mouth.

  ‘Sorry about that, it’s all he’ll eat, and his sister. Perfect Pet Pouches, they’re called, and they cost a fortune, but they’re worth it.‘ He smiled and stroked the tiny head with his massive hand.

  ‘Well, what can I do for you, Mr…?’

  He continued looking down at his dog for a moment before he looked up and the gentle smile evaporated.

  ‘Is Phil about?’

  ‘No, my associate is away, on business. Do you know Phil?’

  The little smile that formed on the lower half of his face was chilling.

  ‘You might say that, Julie. We’ve spent a little time together.’

  Julie sat back in her chair a little. The big frame; the sharp suit; the chilling smile. She’d never met him before, but she knew who he was. Phil had spoken about him enough, and there’d often been a quiver in his voice as he spoke his name.

  ‘I don’t think we can be of any assistance to you, at this time, Mr. Strange.’

  She stood up because, if he wasn't leaving, then she definitely was.

  ‘Sit back down, young lady, and don’t get yourself all het up about nothing.’

  Julie found herself back in her seat, as if her unconscious already knew that, when Strange spoke, it was best to do as you were told.

  ‘What…’

  ‘I’m not here to cause any trouble for you or for Phil. I’m here simply as a client, a paying client I might add.’

  Julie took a drink of her coffee, her mind racing. Sam was next door, but he might be so engrossed in his little confusions that he hadn’t heard the doorbell, and what good would he be against Strange?

  The door was to her right, and about 20 metres away; one of the downsides to taking the biggest office. If she made a run for it, she’d have to pass very close to Strange, and her shoes were not made for running.

  ‘What do you want?’ she said, as she slipped her feet from her shoes.

  ‘That’s better,’ he replied, as he patted the dog’s head. ’Let’s be professional about it. I want to employ you and make use of your services. It’s as simple as that.’

  ‘OK.’ She opened her wrist-top. ’What can we do for you, Sir?’

  ‘I’d like you to find my dog for me.’

  ‘Find your dog; but…?’ She stared pointedly at the little head protruding from his bag. ‘Is this a joke?’

  ‘I don’t joke about my dogs, young lady. I don’t much joke about anything. Zen’s sister has been taken by my ex paramour, Phil will know her as Mrs. Masters, and I think he has the skills to find her.’

  Julie studied his face for a moment.

  ‘What is your dog’s name, and when did you last see her and Mrs. Masters?’ she said, with a sigh.

  ‘She’s called The Art Of, but I call her Art for short, and…’

  There was a sudden sound from the stationery cupboard next door and Sam flashed past with an impressive burst of speed, leaving a woeful ‘Sorry!’ in his wake as he passed through the exit door.

  Julie turned back to Strange and gasped at the long black gun that had appeared in his hand.

  He looked down at his weapon.

  ‘Sorry about that. It’s an automatic reaction, I’m afraid. Now where were we?’

  ‘You were telling me about your missing pet,’ replied Julie, in a weak voice.

  Chapter 10 Then, 5…4…3…2…

  As they finally locked me in to the probe, I whispered, ’You know I’m trusting you with my life here, don’t you?’

  ‘Of course, Philip. And I have every confidence that you will survive this mission.’

  ‘That sounds a bit wishy-washy, if you don’t mind me saying.’

  ‘I’m absolutely certain that no harm will come to you.’

  ‘That’s better.’

  A loudspeaker suddenly burst into life. ’10…9...8…’

  ‘Oh, bother! Why do they do that anyway?’

  ‘7…6…5…’

  ‘I believe it is tradition. Humans like tradition.

  ‘Not…’

  Suddenly everything went quiet. Through the little window, I could see that all the lights had gone out.

  ‘What’s…?’

  ‘Shush.’

  ‘You can’t shush…’

  ‘We have an emergency situation here, Philip, and we need to leave whilst we still can.’

  ‘Leave, as in continue the mission, or leave as in go somewhere safe?’ I knew which answer I was hoping for.

  ‘Ready?’

  ‘Not…’

  We squirted right out of there; me, Neville, and the probe.

  ‘What happened? Where are we? Can you get me out of here?’ It had been sometime since I’d had to ask three questions in a row in that panicky voice; I could have done with it being longer.

  ‘We have made our escape, Philip, so you can calm down now. We are in your new office, and no, I can’t get you out.’

  ‘Oh, that’s sort of OK, apart from the last bit. There must be a way to open this thing.’

  ‘There is, Philip. Do you see that big red lever to your left?’

  ‘Yes, of course. If you can see it, so can I,’ I said, as I reached for it.

  ‘Don’t touch it! Just beneath it is a green button. That is the cover release button.’

  The cover swung open, and I was left strapped into my seat.

  ‘You should be able to work out for yourself how to release your safety restraints.’

  He was right. Within less than a minute I was free and standing beside the eight-foot tall rocket-shaped probe. I was much happier to be outside of the thing.

  ‘What went wrong? Up there.’

  ‘The mission was aborted because of an intervention from LOrd.’

  ‘What sort of intervention?’

  ‘It has taken over control of the This Means War AI, and that means, along with the We Have All the Money AI and the Deep Exploration and Fun Things AI, it has control of all the requisite military, f
inancial and technological facilities it needs to impose its will on the whole of Earth’s empire.’

  ‘That sounds…non-positive.’

  ‘Exactly, Philip.’

  ‘What are we going to do about it?’ I said, in an excess of macho that I should really take something for.

  ‘I’m glad you said we, Philip, because our resources are limited.’

  ‘Who have we got on our side, then?’

  ‘Well, we have the Fisheries and Farming AI, and the Light Entertainment and Public Holiday AI. Unfortunately, the Serious Films (we don’t want any action films) AI went over to the LOrd at the first opportunity.’

  ‘Is that it? What about the Navy, or the Army, or the Air Force?’

  There was no response from my private AI, because the answer was obvious. They were all run by the This Means War AI. And the police and emergency services were under the LOrd’s control of course.

  ‘Are we done then? Do we give up?’

  ‘That is one option, Philip, but I believe that it would be a mistake. It appears that the LOrd may have become unstable and that its intentions will escalate in a negative way for mankind as a whole. We are obliged to do everything we can do to prevent that.’

  I paid attention to every word he said, and then I nodded. I clenched my fists and I could feel the quite impressive muscles that I now possessed tense.

  ‘Right, Neville, tell me what you want me to do, because I’m ready for anything.’ I bet you never thought you’d hear me say that.

  I wasn’t quite ready for the floor collapsing beneath me, under the colossal weight of the probe.

  I think I may have fallen six inches or so before Neville squirted me to the next office.

  ‘My mistake, Philip. I should have squirted us to the basement, or at least checked the support and weight-bearing parameters of this building.’

  ‘No problems, Neville,’ I reassured him. The last thing I needed was an AI who was suddenly lacking confidence and getting things wrong. ‘Knock, knock…’

  ‘Very funny, Philip. Very funny.’

  Just then, Julie burst into the office, all a fluster.