These Foolish Things: The Complete Boxset

by J Battle

  ‘See that?’ whispered Ollen. ‘She has the power of the Sparkly Thing.’

  ‘Ay, I see.’

  ‘Shall we follow her?’

  ‘No, you fool. Our work here us done. We should leave.’ She spun on her toes and floated from the ground.

  ‘But… I wanted to see…’

  ‘Nothing here to be seen, my foolish friend, so come along now. We have flowers to attend to.’

  ‘But there will be fighting and wondrous displays of power.’

  ‘Which is why we should be gone. Such displays are always accompanied by death and blood, so no more foolishness.’

  ‘If you say so,’ he said, without the least enthusiasm.

  ‘If you have to be a witness, you can observe remotely using my Ring of Absolute Power.’

  ‘Oh, thank you so much. I can watch and, if they need any help, I can…’

  ‘You can tell me and I will see what is to be done.’

  As she flew away, he followed, and he was surely tempted to stick out his tongue at her by way of comment. But she would know; she always knew.

  **********

  Islar raced along the narrow corridor, fear in her heart. She would have to tell him, tell him that she had the magical little creatures in her very hands and that she had allowed them to escape.

  Bulter wanted the credit, she thought, well he can certainly share the blame.

  ‘Slow down a minute, will you? The door’s locked and those little things won’t get through. We need a plan before we go all rushing off to see him.’ The stupid man was already dropping back.

  ‘Right!’ She stopped and turned, almost in the same movement. ‘We are going in there and we are going to tell him everything… ‘

  ‘But he doesn’t have to know you had them, does he? We can just say we spied them flying off and we’ve come to warn him, and then he won’t be able to blame you for letting them go.’

  ‘I didn’t let them go! They just…went.’

  ‘Well, you don’t want to be trying that explanation with him.’

  ‘But you can’t lie to him. He’ll know and it will be just worse’

  ‘Who’s going to lie? We tell him the truth. We saw them, and they flew away, he don’t need to know what happened in between. If we don’t tell him, how can that be a lie?’

  ‘I…do you think that will work?’

  ‘Yes, as long as you sound convincing.’

  ‘Me? Why does it have to be me? You saw them first, and you saw them last. I don’t need to be there at all.’

  ‘You can’t expect me to lie for you.’

  ‘But you said it wasn’t lying!’

  ‘I know, but then, I’m a terrible one for the lies.’

  ‘What…’

  ‘Just my little joke, my dear. Give me a little kiss and a cuddle and I’ll tell him the sun’s gone off on holiday and won’t be back ‘till June.’

  She punched his shoulder. ‘I’ll box you ears, you idiot, if there’s any more talk like that.’

  ‘You did kiss me once.’

  ‘I must have been blind drunk and thought I was kissing a frog.’

  ‘Even so, I think you liked it.’

  ‘Have I done it since? When I was sober?’

  ‘Not yet…’

  ‘Well that’s how much I must have enjoyed it.’

  ‘Can’t blame a fellow for trying his luck.’

  ‘Oh but I can. Now, enough of this nonsense. Let’s go and find him and tell him that blasted prince is probably standing outside his front door.’

  ‘Don’t say it like that. We’ll say we saw the faerie-sprites and let him work out the rest for himself.’

  ‘You do the talking.’

  ‘And?’

  Islar sighed. ‘And I might let you buy me a drink later, if we are still alive.’

  ‘So, I do the lying and I do the buying?’

  ‘That’s the way it will go.’

  They walked along the corridor until they came to the broad stone steps that would take them down to his lair.

  ‘That Lady Elvensong, she looked quite sad, I think,’ whispered Bulter, as they began their descent

  ‘Well, she has plenty of reason to be sad, but it will all be behind her soon, and then she’ll be one of us and just as happy as we.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose so,’ he said, saddened himself at the prospect.

  Chapter 2

  With the light in Sally Sadly’s hand as bright as the noonday sun, they strode along the narrow corridor, with the prince hard on the heels of the young girl.

  In seconds they came to the dark solid door.

  ‘Move to one side, my dear,’ said Prince Lexicana, tallest and bravest of all the Pixies.

  With the hilt of the Sword of Dismay, he struck the door a resounding blow and it flew open, as if the locksmith had been using wishes in place of screws.

  ‘Douse your light, my dear, and follow me. There is sufficient light within for us to see.’

  Moments later, they were at a set of broad stone steps, and the prince was already two steps down before Sally Sadly touched his shoulder.

  ‘Sir, I am afeared, I am, that this is naught but a trap. We found them too easily. The door opened too easily, and now here we are, about to walk down into the belly of the mountain and not knowing at all what we shall find.’

  He turned to her and gave her the benefit of his wonderful smile. She was close to melting at the sight.

  ‘My dear, we know exactly what we shall find below. We shall find Lady Elvensong, and we shall bring her safely home to her poor mother.’

  ‘But…’

  ‘I know what you are about to say. Of course I do. There will be one or two obstacles put in our way, but with the Sword of Dismay and the Sparkly Thing, we shall prevail. You believe me, do you not, dear Sally Sadly?’

  ‘Oh…yes, my prince.’

  ‘Then let us make haste.’

  ‘What if…you know.’

  ‘What if she has crossed over?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Then I will slice her head from her neck and call it mercy.’

  With that, he turned and raced down the steps, with a determined young girl behind him.

  The steps emerged without warning into a mighty cavern, as tall as the village church and wide as three village greens.

  Along the far wall a stone gallery ran, close to 20 feet from the floor of the cavern. Within its dark shadows, they could see the shape of a tall figure.

  ‘Is that him?’ whispered Sally, all aghast.

  ‘It may well be. We shall see,’ replied the prince, his voice as grim as a litany of death.

  Before they could take a step, there was a loud grunt to their right and a massive figure appeared before them.

  As tall as two men he was, and as wide as two men laid out head to toe. His great round body was wrapped in a thick dark cloth that looked fit to burst, and his head was a bald and as smooth as a baby’s bottom.

  ‘Prince! It‘s a giant!’ gasped Sally, her hands to her mouth.

  ‘No, my dear. This is not a giant. A giant would be sat over in that corner with his fat hands on his big belly, waiting for his next meal. No, young Sally. This is an ogre, and they are altogether different beasts.

  ‘Ragh!’ said the ogre by way of welcome.

  ‘Step aside, creature,’ said the prince, his head held high and his back straight.

  ‘Ragh, ragh!” was the response.

  ‘Do you speak Ragh, my dear?’ Prince Lexicana turned to Sally.

  ‘The Sparkly Thing can make him talk the Common language, for a short time.’

  ‘Then please do so.’

  With the Sparkly Thing held high, and the ogre staring at it in amazement, she whispered Words of Silent Magic and a spark of brightest gold leapt from the Sparkly Thing to the head of the ogre.

  ‘Pretty,’ said the beast, awe in his face and in his thick voice. ‘Pretty. Want pretty.’

  ‘That’s very helpful, my dear. N
ow, foul beast. Call your master and remove yourself from my view.’

  ‘Pretty.’

  ‘Can you put the Sparkly Thing away? It is causing him to be distracted.’

  Sally Sadly did as he asked and the Sparkly Thing was soon hidden from view.

  ‘Pretty gone. Want pretty.’

  The ogre stepped closer and lifted the tree-trunk size club it had been holding in one massive hand.

  In a move so quick that the human eye would hardly have noticed a change, the prince withdrew the Sword of Dismay, stepped up close to the ogre and sliced through the club, leaving nothing but a stump in the beast’s hand.

  ‘What?’ The creature looked down at its harmless weapon, then back up at the prince.

  ‘Boss said kill you. Going to kill you now.’

  ‘Wait just a moment, if you please.’ Prince Lexicana held up his hand, with his sword already back in its scabbard. ‘You said he told you to kill me?’

  ‘Yeah, I said that. He said that.’

  ‘Have you given thought to how you would do that?’

  ‘What? No…I thought…well, I’ll just hit you. And I’ll stop hitting when you’re dead.’

  ‘Yes, well, that should work. And they will write songs about you. The ogre who killed the mighty, unkillable pixie prince. Killer of 27 ogres, so far.’

  ‘Write songs? Don’t…don’t people sing songs?’

  ‘But they have to be written first, and here you are in luck. Young Sally here, she is a master songwriter. Will you write his song, Sally?’

  Sally smiled. ‘Of course I will. I shall call it The Brave and Foolhardy Ogre.’

  ‘Brave and Foolhardy Ogre? What does foolhardy mean?’ asked the ogre.

  ‘Trying to kill someone who has already killed 27 ogres sounds foolhardy to me.’

  The ogre stared at her for a moment, and then he stared at the prince for a little longer.

  ‘He’s only little,’ he said, rubbing his bristly chin with one thick hand to aid his thought processes, ‘and I is big.’

  ‘They were all big, were they not, Sally?’

  ‘Oh, yes, mighty ogre slayer. Especially that…what was his name?’

  ‘I believe you mean Thoroughred, my dear. He was bigger than this little fellow, by quite some way.’

  ‘Was he hard to kill?’

  ‘Not especially. Though he made an awful racket when he fell.’

  ‘What about them brothers?’

  ‘The three Bangdon brothers?’

  ‘Yes, that’d be right. You killed them all?’

  ‘Indeed I did, with one hand, as I had a broken nail on my left hand and I didn’t want it torn off.’

  ‘That can be painful.’

  ‘I…Will you stop your talking. I can’t think straight will all the noise.’ The ogre smashed one fist into the ground just to show how annoyed he was.

  ‘Of course, we shall remain silent, but first, can I ask which way you would like your head to go?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Which way would you like your head to fall, when it is sliced off? If I use my right hand, your head will fall that way, and if I use my left hand, it will fall the other way. Do you have a preference?’

  The ogre frowned as he followed the pixie prince’s words.

  ‘I don’t…I don’t reckon that’s nice, talking like that, to someone who ain’t done nothing to you,’ he grumbled, at last.

  ‘Well, of course, it doesn’t need to go that way. You could step aside and allow us on our way.’

  ‘Would you stop talking?’

  ‘Undoubtedly.’

  ‘Then…’ He scowled as he shuffled to one side.

  ‘Good day to you, fine sir,’ said Sally, as she skipped past him.

  There was something very close to a smile on the ogre’s face as he watched them go.

  ‘She called me a ‘fine sir,’ she did. And she smiled at me. Ain’t never had…’

  Whatever he might have said next will never be recorded, as Sally’s spell fell from him and he finished off with a ‘Raargh.’

  **********

  Prince Lexicana leapt up the narrows stairs that would take him to the balcony that looked down on the ogre’s cavern, Sally right behind him.

  There were two grand chairs and a low table but, otherwise, the area was empty.

  ‘She has gone!’ gasped Sally.

  ‘How long until sun-rise?’ said Lexicana, though he surely knew the answer.

  ‘It cannot be more than an hour or so, my prince.’

  ‘Then we have time still. Come my dear, use the Sparkly Thing to find where they have gone?’

  As he spoke, he studied the three tall wooden doors before him.

  With the Sparkly Thing held high, and her eyes tight shut so as to see more clearly, it was but a moment’s work for her to discover their path.

  ‘They took the third door, just moments ago.’

  With the Sword of Dismay in his hand, he rushed to the door.

  ‘Wait! You cannot go through that door!’ She called, one hand raised to stop him. ‘There is some sorcery at work here. You must go through the first door and that will take you where you want to go. There is a…way between them. I will use the power of the Sparkly Thing to keep that way open for you, but you must be quick.’

  ‘Good work, dear Sally Sadly; that was well seen. I shall not fail you.’

  With that he raced to door number one and was gone from sight.

  Only then did Sally realise what a fool she had been.

  Chapter 3

  She fell to her knees, her hands holding back the sob from her pretty mouth.

  ‘No!’ she gasped.

  It was the second door she should have sent him though, and all would have been fine, but, somehow, she hadn’t even thought of it.

  ‘More sorcery at work, I’d say,’ she said, as she began to stand up. Kneeling on the floor would get her nowhere.

  If she followed Prince Lexicana through door one, she might be able to save him with the power of the Sparkly Thing, but Lady Elvensong would be lost to them forever. If she went through door two, she would have to face the Lord of the Esseldon all on her own, and what would become of the pixie prince?

  There was only one choice for her, and her eyes glistened with tears as she took a hesitant step. Her second step was less hesitant, and her third was an actual stride, for her mind was made up and she had put hesitation behind her.

  She threw open door two and leapt into the darkness beyond.

  She landed on the hard ground, and rolled easily to her feet, with the Sparkly Thing held high, banishing the darkness, for her eyes only.

  There was Lady Elvensong, bound to the broad trunk of a Whispering Woe tree, its many branches drooping on all sides, and its myriad of crystal blooms tinkling in the light breeze.

  Her beautiful white dress was torn at the shoulder, and her long dark hair was undone and draped in disarray across her breast.

  Yet still her head was held high, and her eyes glared at the Lord of the Esseldon, as if she intended to strip the flesh from his bones.

  His back was to Sally as he stood before the lady.

  ‘But a few moments left, haughty lady, before the sun caresses your soft cheek and you are mine; totally, utterly, eternally.

  ‘I will never yield to you!’ she spat.

  ‘Oh but you will, my dear. You have already supped the Ichor of Blight, and tasted the Flesh of the Goat. When the sun touches you, you will do more than yield, you will relish my touch, you will delight in the sweet pain.’

  Lady Elvensong turned her head as far as she could, and her suddenly dull eyes settled on the horizon, already lightening.

  Sally Sadly crept closer, her eyes on the broad back of the lord. She was almost close enough when he turned suddenly and he laughed at the sight of her.

  ‘Little girl, what do you think to do, creeping along like a frightened mouse?’ He was tall as a man, and so broad, and the sword in his hand could have fe
lled an Oakbeast with one blow.

  ‘Sally, no…you shouldn’t have,’ gasped Lady Elvensong. ‘Run, girl, run for your life!’

  ‘Forgive me, my lady, if I do not obey. I have something to do before I can go.’

  ‘Brave words, little girl. Come closer, if you will. What is that shadowed thing you hold in your hand? Is it some sort of weapon? A pitiful weapon to pit against the Sword of Woeful Wailing?’

  ‘It is more than a pitiful weapon, foul lord. It is the legendary Sparkly Thing and you will bow before its awful power.’ With that, she undimmed the light of the Sparkly Thing, and it shone like the very sun in her hand.

  The Lord of Esseldon held his sword before his eyes to block the terrible light, but it was torn from his grip by a simple thought of the young maid before him.

  ‘No!‘ he cried, as the strength fled from his legs and he slumped to the ground.

  ‘Sally!’ gasped Lady Elvensong. ‘Quickly!’

  Just above her head, the sun was touching the grey trunk of the tree and turning it to gold.

  Sally rushed to her and touched the burning Sparkly Thing against the lady’s forehead; a touch so cold she shivered.

  ‘You are cleansed of the taint of the Ichor of Blight, and the foulness of the Flesh of the Goat, my lady. You need no longer fear the touch of the sun.

  The ropes binding the lady fell to the ground and she staggered forward, only to be caught by the strong hands of her most loyal servant.

  ‘There you are, my lady, let us get you home and you’ll be right as rain before you know it.’

  She led Lady Elvensong back to the door, neither of them noticing that the Lord of Esseldon was gone.

  ‘Thank you so much, young Sally,’ said the lady, ‘but where is Prince Lexicana? I must say I expected him to be the one to rescue me.’

  ‘Oh dear, miss, he’d fair gone from my mind. He came to rescue you, but I sent him the wrong way, by mistake, and I don’t know if he’s even alive, my lady.’

  As they closed the door behind them, Lady Elvensong straightened. ‘Tell me everything, Sally, for it seems that we must be the ones to rescue him.’

  With the explanation complete, they stood before door number one.