The Good Life

by Gordon Merrick

  “Of course, but don’t tell Arlene. I don’t want her to be after me with a horsewhip.”

  “And she would too,” Billy chuckled. “That’s a lovely image: Arlene on one side of you with a horsewhip and me on the other side with a shotgun.”

  Perry put his hands up. “Don’t shoot, don’t shoot.” He kept his hands above his head as he ran out of the room to get dressed. Billy was getting awfully close with his questions. Perry was happy to have taken another step closer to telling Billy the truth, but he still had to be careful. He had the feeling that Billy was encouraging him to divulge his secret. How would he react when he found out?

  “The chains are unlocked,” Bet gloated on the phone. “I’m free this afternoon. I think Mummy is getting tired of the vigil. We’re finally wearing her down. See you about 4.”

  “I may be a bit late, honey,” Perry said. “I’ve got a portrait sitting. Get the bed warm.”

  What little time they could be together was spent in bed, where they also did their talking — when they weren’t busy.

  “Why is she letting you off the hook more and more?”

  “She may be just giving me enough rope to hang myself, but I doubt it. I think she’s just plain tired.”

  “So am I,” Perry sighed. “What’s she got on for you tonight?”

  “Oh, another party. Dinner party. Thank God I don’t have to fight the debutante nonsense.”

  “That’s another good thing about the war.”

  “I know. But she really is easing off.”

  “Running out of suitable rich husbands? The war has taken a hell of a lot of them away. Another good mark for the war.”

  “What are you doing? Bridge?”

  Perry sighed again. “I canceled the game. I’m worried about Billy.”

  “So am I.” Bet’s eyes clouded. “He seems to age as you look at him. Terrifying. But the doctors go on saying that there’s nothing wrong.” She glanced at the clock. “Damn. Look at the time. I’ve got to run.” Crawling over him slowly and reluctantly, she lay on top of him for a moment and looked deeply into his eyes. “You are a sweetheart to be so good to Daddy. I’ve got to spend more time with him too.”

  “Not our time,” he said, hugging her.

  The evening with Billy was short. Laszlo served them a simple dinner, and they played backgammon for an hour. Perry was home in bed by 10 o’clock, trying to concentrate on a book, but his thoughts of Billy’s gray color and trembling hands haunted him. There was definitely something wrong.

  Perry started canceling more of his evening plans to spend as much time as possible with Billy. He was the only one Billy really wanted to see. Billy had cut his own social life down to a minimum.

  Perry took Bet out for a night on the town for her nineteenth birthday. “I didn’t lie to Mummy,” she explained. “I simply told her that we’d made this date in Saint-Tropez.”

  “We seemed to have made quite a few dates in Saint-Tropez.”

  “Of course. This and every other night. But she’s put the kibosh on most of the other nights. How old do you have to be to say no to your mother?”

  “Nineteen,” he said, shoving a small leather box with VERDURA printed on top across the table to her. “Happy birthday, my darling.”

  Her eyes widened. She looked about twelve — an absolutely beautiful twelve. “Oh, Perry. What is it?”

  “Open it, silly.” It was a brooch that Fulco had designed under Perry’s supervision, especially for him. An enameled rowboat with two tiny gold figures sitting face-to-face and the boat sitting in a little sea of sparkling diamonds. He knew Fulco had let him have it for less than half its actual worth. He loved it.

  And so did she. She stared at the little work of art — the figures in bas relief, the oars also in gold, giving accents at an angle across the enamel — and touched the pin delicately with her fingers, tracing the design. Her fingers trembled slightly. He looked up at her and saw that tears were running down her cheeks. She seemed about to speak, but no words came.

  He took her hand and held it to his lips. Then she cried for real. Her shoulders shook, and she gasped for breath. “Oh, my darling. The first time.” Her eyes were wide with amazement.

  He pressed her hand to his lips again and leaned close to her and kissed her wet cheeks. “Hardly something to cry about,” he whispered.

  She straightened up, shook her hair back, and took a deep breath. “It was…that first time was…” — she continued to stroke the pin with her fingers — “the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. And this is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had.”

  He was so touched by the apparent success of his present that he thought he was going to cry too. “Put it on. Put it on.”

  “I’d like to have it embedded in my skin so I can never take it off.”

  At the Stork Club later, Sherman Billingsley sent a tiny birthday cake, decorated with a single candle, to their table, and the band played “Happy Birthday” while the entire room sang that tiresome but always moving song.

  Bet was radiant with joy. Her photograph was taken several times, and her name appeared — along with Perry’s — in several columns the next day.

  Shortly after, Bet took him out on his birthday. “I don’t know what to give a man who has everything.”

  “A Wassermann?” When Bet looked blank, he realized how young she really was. “Sorry. Locker-room joke.”

  She shook her head impatiently and went on. “So I’m going to go on giving you me.”

  “What more could I want?”

  “This May be?” It was her turn to shove a box across the table. It was a familiar Cartier one, and he looked at it, stupefied, while she grinned gleefully. “Open it, silly,” she said, laughing.

  It was copy of his ring done as a medallion to wear on the gold chain Billy had given him. They were chalking up memories and commemorating them.

  Christmas was taken over by Mrs. Hahn, so they couldn’t celebrate that birthday. Billy’s mother had strict ideas about what was proper, and not even Billy was invited to her big midday Christmas dinner. Divorced couples shouldn’t be on friendly social terms, she felt.

  Naturally, Perry hadn’t even been considered.

  He and Billy went to a matinee of The Man Who Came to Dinner, which made them laugh a lot. Perry wondered if their laughter might not be a bit forced. They were both trying to convince the other that they were having a lovely time. Perry particularly enjoyed the play because its leading character was supposed to be based on Alexander Woollcott.

  Thinking of Woollcott made him think of Mrs. Costigan, and he wished she could see him now. He’d like to point out to her that if he was a whore, he was a damned successful one. Another point of interest for him in the play was that the lead was being played by Clifton Webb in the Chicago company, and he could picture him in the part. Imagining Clifton delivering the lines made him laugh harder.

  The holidays lurched along, as interminable as the summer, especially since separation had again been forced on Perry and Bet.

  Winter finally melted away, and by early spring Billy began melting away too. His loss of weight was alarming, and he was back in the hospital for a major operation — with Perry at his side.

  “I don’t think the doctors have a clue what they’re doing,” Billy said. “They’ve finally admitted that there’s something about the X rays that puzzles them. They want to open me up to see for themselves. Perhaps when they’ve finished, they might tell you what they’ve operated for. I’ve told Dr. Sansome that you’re to be treated as next of kin, so he should keep you informed first. I’m taking the precaution of having air-conditioning put in at 66th Street just in case I’m stuck in the city for part of the summer. People who have it say that it makes all the difference.”

  “If this summer is like the last, you’ll need it. It’s a good idea.”

  Having gotten Billy settled in the hospital, Perry was told to come back the day after the operation. He was reluc
tant to leave him but was assured it was best for them both.

  “Should I go to the hospital with you tomorrow?” Bet asked Perry that night.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to go together,” Perry said. “I’ll go first thing and stay as long as they’ll let me and call you the minute I know anything.”

  Perry canceled all his appointments at the studio; those he couldn’t put off were handled by Henry. When Perry arrived at the hospital early the next morning, he met Dr. Sansome in the corridor.

  “Good morning,” Perry said, searching the doctor’s face for some indication of how things had gone.

  “Good morning,” the doctor replied with a little shake of his head. Perry’s stomach turned over. “I’m afraid I have no good news for you.” He stood beside Perry and stared at the floor. “There’s nothing we can do. We had a look and closed him up again. We’re still waiting for the results of some tests, but we know enough for there to be no doubt. The cancer is much more widespread than we expected. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s already reached his liver. I don’t understand why he hasn’t been in more pain. At least we’ll be prepared to spare him as much suffering as possible.”

  “Cancer? Jesus.” Perry couldn’t take it in. “I don’t understand. He was in here for tests only a few months ago. Surely you—”

  “It doesn’t always make itself apparent. It’s there, but it’s not always visible.”

  “Then how can it spread so quickly?”

  “If we knew that, we’d be on the road to working out a cure. Or at least a way of arresting it. As it is, in this case it has taken over. There is nothing we can do.”

  “But he seemed all right yesterday.” Billy had been cheerful enough when Perry had left him. Now the doctor was saying that he was condemned to death. It didn’t make sense.

  “Outwardly he was all right. It was what was going on inside that we couldn’t even guess.”

  “Does he know?”

  “I’ve just told him that the operation went off without a hitch and that I’d explain everything when the anesthetic wears off.”

  “Then what?”

  “You mean, what do we do?” Dr. Sansome shrugged. “There’s nothing we can do about the disease.” He put a hand on Perry’s arm and guided him slowly down the corridor. “I’ll need your advice. I don’t know Mr. Vernon well, but he strikes me as a man who wouldn’t like us to play games with him. My feeling is that I should tell him the truth, unless you think I shouldn’t.”

  “I don’t see what good it would do not to. He’s very bright. Not easy to fool. And tough. He wouldn’t like it if you were evasive. How long will—” Perry couldn’t finish the question.

  “How long does he have to live? It’s the first question everybody asks, and it’s all but impossible to answer. If I said a year, it wouldn’t mean much. Each case is different. It all depends on how rapidly the disease advances. It could be much longer, but in a case like this it’s just as well not to hope for it to be too long. Once the disease has a hold, the pain can be excruciating.”

  Perry had had no experience with sickness. He was at a loss to imagine one that would lead to death in a matter of months, perhaps even weeks. Billy gone? It was inconceivable. Perhaps the doctor was wrong. New treatments were being discovered every day. His body stiffened with resentment at this man who was pronouncing Billy’s death sentence. He’d get other doctors in. This couldn’t be the last word.

  As though reading his mind, Dr. Sansome said, “Of course, I’ve had one top specialist in already, and another is scheduled to come in later this morning.”

  His resentment receded. “Can I see him?”

  “I think it would be better if you wait until this evening. He’s still drowsy and won’t be making much sense.” Applying a slight pressure on his arm, the doctor stopped and faced Perry, still holding his arm. “Besides, I think you’d better have a little time to make sure you’re over the initial shock. There’s no need to subject him to emotional strain.” He squeezed Perry’s arm and dropped his hand. “It isn’t easy for either of you. Or his daughter. Will you talk to her? I’ll leave it to you two to decide how best to handle it.” He looked down at the floor and back up at Perry. “You are friendly with her?”

  Perry smiled for the first time. “Yes.” All resentment left him. This man was doing his best. He was treating him as though he knew and understood the relationship with Billy. The kept boy was finally respectable — or at least acceptable.

  As he made his way back to the studio, he wondered how he would break the news to Bet and whether she would find it acceptable that he was virtually in charge of Billy. He had to remind himself that basically, in her eyes, he had been only a summer yachting guest. Good friends but hardly family.

  Not for the first time he began to wonder what she really thought about his relationship with Billy. Did she have any suspicions? If Mrs. Dillingham knew about Billy, surely someone must have dropped hints in front of Bet. Arlene could easily have let slip innuendos when annoyed with Billy or just carefully placed little time bombs that all divorced parents used against each other in their battle for the affections of their children.

  When he called Bet she was too shocked and upset to wonder why it was Perry who was the one to break the news. “I’ve got to see him,” she said immediately.

  “He’s still groggy, honey. They said to leave him alone until this evening. If we both go in looking hysterical, he’ll get suspicious and upset. I’ll go see him, and I’ll meet you back here after visiting hours. About 8, okay?”

  She agreed reluctantly and ended their conversation without her usual expressions of love or lovemaking.

  “Well, my dearest, I’m not very pleased with this performance,” Billy told Perry after sending the nurse away.

  “You’re giving a beautiful performance, Billy. You look marvelous,” Perry lied.

  “I don’t mean me. I mean the supporting players. Or perhaps they are the leads.” His hands twitched and nervously tugged on the sheet. “Nobody seems to know their lines. I told Dr. Sansome to treat you like family, but I hardly expected him to dump the whole truth in your lap before talking to me.”

  Perry’s breath caught. Billy knew. He went to the edge of the bed and took his hand. Billy was agitated but didn’t seem devastated by the hideous outcome of the exploratory operation. Perhaps the doctor had softened the truth for Billy. “What did he say?” Perry asked cautiously. He didn’t want to blurt out anything that Billy wasn’t aware of.

  “Apparently just what he said he’d told you. Not very pretty. But I’m not dead yet.”

  “Oh, Billy. Of course not. They don’t always know what they’re talking about.”

  Billy looked up at Perry, and the corner of his mouth twitched. “Oh, yes, they do. Let’s not be complete fools. They know, and I know. Does Bet know?”

  “Yes.” Perry knew that now he had to be completely honest with Billy no matter what questions he asked. “Dr. Sansome asked me to contact her. She’ll be by to see you whenever you feel up to it.”

  “Good. Let’s get it out in the open. No need to pretend. I hate it, but there it is.” He tugged at the sheet again and turned his head away from Perry. “You know what this means, of course. I’m not likely to outlive my mother.” He looked back at Perry with stricken eyes. “That means that after all my promises to you, I’m not going to be able to carry them through.” Perry looked puzzled. “I’m talking about the paper — your inheritance. It won’t be valid anymore.”

  “Oh, for God’s sake, Billy. Don’t think about things like that now.” Perry sat on the edge of the bed and took both Billy’s hands. “What possible difference does that make? I’m fine. I’m going to be the new Steichen.”

  Billy smiled weakly. “It was the first thing I thought about when I heard that I… I haven’t been able to think about anything else. My word means everything to me. And in this case, a hell of a lot to you.” His smile widened. “I’ll do what I
can to keep my word. I’ll speak to Mother about it and see if she’ll observe my wishes. God knows it’s a delicate subject to raise with her, but perhaps, under the circumstances, she’ll allow me to speak more plainly than I could in the past. I have to remind myself that she’s of a different time and will probably never understand, but I have to try.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Billy. Just look at me.” He stretched out his arms, showing his ring, watch, and beautifully cut clothes. “Just remember what I was when you found me.”

  “All the more reason why you should be able to go on from here. It’s all so damned unfair.” His fists hit the bed beside him. “You’ve given me two thrilling years, unquestionably the best years I’ve ever known.”

  “But, Billy, think what you’ve done for me. That can’t be counted in money.” He leaned carefully forward and took him gently in his arms and hugged him briefly before releasing him back on his pillows. “I’d kiss you, but I’m afraid of hurting you.”

  “Oh, dearest boy,” his eyes twinkled at him. “In the past you’ve hurt me most deliciously.” Perry tried to smile, but reference to the whip under these sad circumstances was out of place and distasteful to him. He squeezed Billy’s hand and looked away. “I can leave you so little,” Billy continued, “But I’ll do everything possible. Bet will be the heir now. Are you planning to marry her?”

  Perry was stunned into silence. Billy was still full of surprises. He studied Billy and found no trace of outrage or reproach. He squeezed his hand again. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about it.”

  “I understand. I’ve not made it easy for you. Of course, I guessed a great deal in Saint-Tropez.”

  Guessed it or told by Sylvain? Perry wondered.

  “Try to understand it from my point of view,” Billy continued. He removed his hand from Perry’s and smoothed the sheet. “I know you intimately, dearest boy, know your body intimately. Knowing that you were intimate with my daughter will make it difficult for me to see you together. I see you together in my mind, and that can be disturbing. Do you understand?”