by Matt Shaw
“She’s struggling but only because she thought she was going crazy. You know, with the phone calls. I could see the relief on her face when she found out I had been talking to you too. Other than that - she likes your conversations with her. She says you sound chirpy and happy as though you don’t have a care in the world.” Josh didn’t say anything. “Are you there?” Holly asked.
“Yeah, I’m here.” He was subdued because he was thinking about his mum. He didn’t want to just talk to her. He wanted to hug her. He wanted to reassure her that everything was okay. He wanted to...He wanted to just make everything okay and he knew he couldn’t - not with phone calls. Not properly anyway. “I didn’t want her to think I was worried. I wanted her to think everything was okay. I thought...” he stopped. It sounded so stupid when he said it out loud.
Holly finished for him, “You thought it would make it easier for her,” she said.
“And for you,” he said quietly.
“And what about for you?” Holly asked after a slight pause.
“I just wanted to hear your voices.” He hesitated, “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t want to go forward on the off chance I can’t talk to you again but - at the same time - there’s no way back and I know I can’t keep talking to you like this, either of you. Not forever. It’s not fair on you. You both need to move on. Find new lives...”
Holly started to tear up again, “I don’t want another life. I wanted our life.”
“I did too. I’m so sorry this happened. I...I don’t know what happened. One minute I was...” he stopped. “I don’t even know what happened.” He started to get angry at himself, “I should have pulled over. I was so tired and...Jesus.”
“Please don’t get upset,” said Holly. She was struggling with her emotions as it was. She didn’t need to hear him struggle too. She couldn’t hear it. Not yet. She wasn’t ready to support someone else. Not until she had her own life under control - even though she realised that was selfish of her she knew there was no alternative as the strain would be too much for her.
Josh calmed down, “I’m sorry.” He paused for a moment and continued, “Look, on the off-chance something happens and I don’t get to talk to you again there’s something I need you to know. The first is that I love you and will always do so - no matter what is waiting for me on the other end of this...” Holly started to cry. “The second is that I want you to be happy and if that means you meet...”
“Don’t say it, please,” she begged him. “I don’t want to hear it.”
“I’m just saying...”
“Well don’t. I don’t want you to say it.” She hadn’t even said goodbye to him yet and there he was suggesting it was okay for her to meet someone else. She wasn’t ready to hear it. She didn’t want to hear it either. She didn’t want for it to be over between the two of them. “We could have a long distance relationship,” she said.
Josh couldn’t help but to laugh, “That is a long distance relationship,” he agreed. He changed the subject again, “I wish I could come back to you,” he said, “I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.”
“And I’m not ready to hear it,” she said.
“So what should we do?”
“I don’t know.”
There was a couple of minutes silence before he continued, “Okay - here’s how it’s going to work,” he suggested, “I’ll call you, and mum, every day until the funeral. I’ll phone you late that night, after the day has passed, to say goodbye finally and then - after that - I’ll head for the light. That way I can support you for as long as you need me but then - when you say goodbye to my body - you say goodbye to me. You have to understand, I’d love to keep talking to you, I’d love to do this every day for the rest of your life until we could meet up and cross the line together but I can’t do that to you. It’s not fair for you or my mum. I think it would hurt you too much. Saying goodbye on the funeral...Well...We can use the day as a way of putting a line under it,” he finished. “What do you think?”
Holly didn’t say anything. There was only one thing she had heard out of everything Josh had said. One thing stuck in her mind and kept repeating itself over and over again like a broken record. I’d love to do this every day for the rest of your life until we could meet up and cross the line together...The words playing through again and again. Her heart beating hard in her chest as the idea sunk into her mind.
“Holly?” said Josh. “Are you there?” his voice was quiet. He knew she was there. More to the point, he knew what she was thinking. His careless words haunting his own mind now just as much as they were haunting his. “Honey, whatever you’re thinking, please stop.”
“I have to go,” she said quietly - lost in her own deep thoughts.
“Holly, listen to me, whatever you’re thinking. Don’t. There are no guarantees that it would even work and, besides, what I said earlier I meant - I want you to go on and live your life. I want you to meet a new man and I want you to be happy.”
The phone line went dead as Holly clicked the handset back onto the charging unit, which sat on a small table in the middle of the hallway next to the lounge door. Immediately the phone started to ring again but she ignored it. Even when it continued to ring, after she pulled the cord, she ignored it. The fact of the matter was that Holly didn’t want to live her life. She didn’t want to move on. She didn’t want to meet anyone else. She wanted Josh and - as his words bounced around her mind - she finally realised that he had given her hope on more than one count. The first - a hope given to both Rosie and herself - that there was life after death and that we didn’t simply cease to exist when we died. But secondly...Well...Secondly - he had given her hope that, after a little bit of pain, she could be with him again. She didn’t just need to hear his voice. She would be able to see him again. She would be able to hold his hand and feel warmth from the embrace she missed so much. She could be with him again. More to the point - as the adrenalin surged through her body - she knew she would be with him again.
Sooner than anyone would have expected too.
Everlasting Love
A morbid conversation which had come out of the blue when the two of them were trying to express who loved the other the most. Josh and Holly were cradling each other, their arms wrapped around each other, smiling and laughing despite the dark tone their conversation had taken.
“I’d haunt you forever,” Josh had said.
“Forever?”
“Forever.”
“What if I met someone else?” asked Holly. “You wouldn’t want for me to be happy? You wouldn’t let me carry on with my life?”
Josh laughed, “No.”
“Really? What would you do?”
“I’d wait until you were both in bed and then I’d disturb you - as you were drifting off to sleep...”
“If we were in bed - my new lover and I - what makes you think we’d be sleeping? Maybe we’d be having mad passionate sex.”
“Then - before you started to have your mad passionate sex - I’d start to move things downstairs. Small things at first, you know. Just push cups and plates onto the floor. Make them smash and get your attention. Then - when the man came down to investigate - I’d start throwing bigger items. Something heavy that could smack him in the head. Kill him outright!” Josh laughed but his eyes had gone a little darker than usual. An evil glint as he clearly enjoyed this new dark side of himself that he was investigating.
“You’d kill my chance of new happiness?”
“Very much so,” he continued, “and then - when the guy got to Heaven, I’d find him and completely kick his ass again,” he laughed. Holly laughed too. “That’s how much I love you. So you think you could be happy? Watching me from the clouds as I snuggled into the arms of another woman. A hotter one.”
“Firstly - you couldn’t get better than me. I’m as good as it gets for you. So - this new woman you met - she’d be rough. I mean really rough. And, even then, she’d be out of your league,” Holly laughed.
“Harsh words, my love.”
“Truth hurts.”
“So you’d be laughing then because you’d be watching me with a dog?”
“No - I’d try and find a way back to you,” said Holly. “You could have this woman, for the time being, but I’d try everything I could to come back to your loving arms and then - when I did - I’d expect you to dump that fat bitch.”
Josh laughed, “As long as you came back to me as a normal woman, I would. I don’t think I’d be up for continuing our relationship if you’re the undead. You know - all rotten skin and shit...”
“Even if I were, you’d still be batting out of your league!”
“My you certainly love yourself tonight,” Josh laughed.
“Anyway - what you said about killing my new lover - it wouldn’t happen,” said Holly.
“No?”
“No. See - I’d be so distraught at losing you, the real love of my life, that I’d kill myself so that I could be in your arms again. Eternal everlasting love.” She smiled at him. Josh smiled too. And then he pulled a face and made a noise as though he were pretending to vomit. “Fuck you!” laughed Holly. She started to tickle him - something he couldn’t stand due to being overly ticklish - as the two of them laughed together.
* * * * *
Karen and Frank were in the lounge having a heated discussion. Both of them were shocked at how Holly had just, without warning, jumped into Rosie’s car and gone off with her without so much as a goodbye but it was fair to say that Karen was taking it a little worse as she thought, wrongly, that it had something to do with Holly still sulking with her because she had tried to get involved with the funeral plans by arranging for the vicar to do a home visit. Karen believed, again wrongly, that Holly had gone off with Rosie to talk the funeral arrangements through together - without Karen or Frank.
“They probably just wanted to be alone for a while,” Frank said - trying to keep Karen calm, not that it was working very well. “When they’re ready they’ll come back,” he continued.
“I just think we should all be present to discuss...”
Frank cut her off, “At the end of the day if they want to discuss the details together they are entitled to. Holly was Josh’s wife and Rosie was his mother. Do not forget that. At the end of the day we’re just the in-laws.”
“We loved him too!” Karen said.
“We all loved him but that doesn’t change the fact that - if they want to discuss it together and make the arrangements - they’re entitled to. Now I’m sure that won’t be the case anyway but, if it is, you need to get your head round it and be there as support.” Frank was getting more wound up the more he spoke to Karen. He understood that she had loved Josh, he had too, and he understood that she’d want to help organise his send off but - at the end of the day - if Holly and Rosie wanted to organise it together, to prevent clashing ideas, then they should be allowed the chance to do so as Josh’s mother and wife. Sometimes Frank just wished Karen could take a step back and stop trying to get involved with everything. For the first time ever he decided to voice his opinion, “You’d probably be a lot happier if you just let people get on with things in their own time and let them contact you if and when they need you,” he said. Karen stopped pacing the lounge and stared at Frank - shocked that he had felt it necessary to say such a thing. “The only times you seem to be stressing, or arguing with people, is when you’re trying to get involved in their lives. Just stop. For the love of God - just stop. Take a leaf from my book,” he continued, “if they need you - they’ll soon come to you. Otherwise, let them make their own mistakes and find their own paths. Usually it’s the best way of learning.” Karen started to cry. “I’m not trying to pick a fight with you. I’m not trying to upset you. Listen to what I am saying. I’m trying to make things easier for you. Do you understand?” He realised his words may have been a little on the harsh side and walked over to his wife and gave her a cuddle. “It’s a difficult time for everyone,” he said - his voice soothing and gentle, “we just need to come together and stop arguing. Otherwise we’re going to keep going round in circles and no one will be any the happier for it,” he finished. He went to say something else - when it was clear that Karen had nothing to add to the conversation - but stopped short when the phone started to ring. “Just leave it,” he said.
Karen broke away from his embrace and wiped her eyes, “It might be Holly,” she said. She walked over to the phone, which was sitting on the coffee table.
“If it is - be nice,” he said.
Karen didn’t answer him. She understood what he had been telling her but she didn’t appreciate the fact that Frank thought there was any part of what she had been doing where she hadn’t been nice. “Hello?” she said trying to keep her voice as normal as possible so the caller wouldn’t know she’d been upset.
“Mum,” Holly’s weak voice came through the phone. Karen could instantly tell her daughter was in trouble.
A Better World
Karen and Frank wasted no time in hurrying to their car. Holly hadn’t told them where she was but her location was revealed when they called the last caller and her house number came up. Frank jumped into the driver’s seat whilst Karen hopped into the passenger side and, seconds later, they were heading down the road.
Holly had told Karen - who could do nothing but listen - that she knew Josh was waiting for her on the other side and that he wouldn’t cross over properly unless she was with him. She explained that he wanted her to live a happy life but the only life she could see as being happy was one that included Josh. That was where Karen had forced her way into the conversation and said that although it seemed like it now - it wouldn’t always be like that. In time she would be able to move on. In time, as horrible as it sounded now, she might meet someone else. They wouldn’t be better than Josh, Karen wasn’t saying that. He’d be different. Not better. Different. And it wouldn’t mean she loved Josh any less, if she set up another life with someone new - further down the line when she felt she was ready. Holly stopped her though. She told her that she didn’t want to move on with someone else. She said that she’d never be ready. She didn’t want it and would never want it. She wanted Josh and she knew how she could have him. Karen didn’t need it spelt out to her - especially when Holly started to talk about the phone calls again and the fact that, despite what she had said, she was still getting them and believed in them. Karen had, once again, tried saying it was in her mind but Holly wasn’t having any of it. She simply apologised to her mum and told her that she loved her and Frank with all of her heart but she wasn’t able to do this anymore. It was then that the phone line went dead and Karen explained to Frank what had been said.
Frank had snatched the phone from Karen and tried calling Holly back but she didn’t answer. The phone just kept ringing and ringing until Frank gave up.
“Keep trying her phone,” Frank demanded as he sped towards his distressed daughter’s house. Karen didn’t need ordering though. Before Frank had even told her what to do she was already on the phone trying to get through to Holly before she did anything stupid. “Anything?” Frank asked. He glanced at Karen who still had the phone pressed to her head. She shook her head. Frank pressed his foot down harder on the accelerator.
It wasn’t long before Frank pulled into Holly’s driveway. The car skidded to a halt a few feet away from the back bumper of Holly’s own car. Karen was the first out of the car. She hurried to the front door and fished around in her coat pocket for the set of spare keys she had for emergencies. Times such as this. By the time Frank got to the front door, Karen had already opened it and gone inside.
“Holly?” she called out. She paused, for a moment, to wait for a response. Something to give her an idea which room to go to. There was no answer.
“I’ll check upstairs,” said Frank. He didn’t wait for an acknowledgement from Karen that she’d check downstairs then. He hurried up the stairs whilst she disappeared towards the kitchen -
both of them calling out for their daughter.
Frank checked the bedroom first. Nothing. The second bedroom showed more of the same - nothing. The last room upstairs though painted a different picture. The bathroom. His heart stopped momentarily when he stepped into the room and spotted his daughter wallowing in the bathtub. Fully dressed. Water over-running the sides of the bath. Red water. One wrist under the water. The other arm overhanging the edge of the bath, a slit lengthways down the wrist. On the floor where the water and blood was spilling was a large, sharp knife.
“Baby?...” Frank didn’t move. The way Holly looked, there in the water, she looked dead. Her eyes staring ahead. Karen suddenly screamed from behind Frank. He span around and pulled her close to his body in an effort to shield her from seeing anything else.
