by Matt Shaw
“She’s just trying to help you out,” Frank said calmly.
“I don’t want her help!” Holly moaned. “Why does she feel the need to get involved with everything? I just want to be left alone!”
“Now that’s not true - if it were you wouldn’t have phoned me and asked me to come and pick you up,” said Frank. “Now - rightly or wrongly - your mother was trying to help. She didn’t mean any harm. I’m sure that, if she had realised it would upset you, she wouldn’t have done anything.”
“She would have,” said Holly, “that’s the problem. She doesn’t think!”
Frank stopped her short, “She does think,” he told her, his voice still calm, “she thinks she is helping you.” Holly didn’t say anything despite wanting to. “There’s a lot to organise for the funeral,” he said, “so she thought she’d get the basics dealt with for you - at least to a stage where you can say yes or no to them. Is that really so wrong of her?” he asked.
Holly reluctantly shook her head, “I guess. I’m just not ready and I’d prefer it if she talked to me about things instead of just landing me with them,” she continued.
“I’ve already spoken to her, before I came up here,” said Frank, “Now what say you come downstairs and get some breakfast with us? And remember, if something like this ever happens again you just need to keep reminding yourself that she’s just trying to help. I know it can be tough from time to time - God knows I’ve been married to the bloody woman for nearly forty years now - but that’s all it is; it’s your mum trying to do what she thinks is right to make things better for you. Now...Get yourself out of your dressing gown, throw some clothes on and get downstairs for some breakfast. Most important meal of the day, you know.” He patted her on the leg and left the room.
Holly smiled. Once again her dear old pa had managed to calm her down. Holly often wondered what would have happened if he hadn’t been around, like Josh’s own father. Would she have even managed to maintain a relationship with her mother or would she have been pushed away long ago? After all - it hadn’t been the first time Karen had got involved with Holly’s life and made a mess of her approach. The first time was when Josh and Holly had had their first argument. It had been something stupid - Holly remembered that much - but she couldn’t recall exactly what it had been about not that she was entirely desperate to try and remind herself of an occasion when she and Josh were anything but the perfect, happy couple. Whatever the reason, Holly went home that night and asked Karen if it were okay for her to stay the night. She didn’t want to move in permanently and she didn’t want to break up with Josh. She had known that from the moment she had walked out of their shared home. She had just wanted a few hours to herself - a little time out. Some time for them both to calm down as - clearly - they wouldn’t going to be putting the argument behind them immediately.
The memory popped into her mind as though it had been there the whole time. Hiding in plain sight. A silly little argument about a night out Josh had planned. He had said it was with some friends of his from work. Holly asked who but Josh never told her the names because he said they wouldn’t mean anything to Holly as she had never met them. Holly didn’t think anything more of it - not even when Josh had said that he’d be staying round one of the friend’s houses because it was easier than trying to make his way home in his probable drunken state in. Again - trusting her husband - Holly didn’t think anything else of it. At least, not until she discovered that Josh was actually planning to spend the night around another woman’s house - something he accidentally let slip. Of course he insisted he had nothing to hide and that everything was innocent but Holly argued, had it been innocent, Josh wouldn’t have tried hiding it from the start. Clearly he knew Holly would be upset and would put her foot down about him going out - even if he had turned round to her and told her that he had made alternative arrangements. Despite the argument, Josh got ready to go out as planned - packing his overnight bag.
When you get home, I won’t be here! Holly grimaced as she remembered the words she had used. She had sounded as though she were part of some terribly cliched film you’d find on the free movie channels. Worse yet, she remembered what Josh had said in retort.
Good, it’ll make it easier for me to sneak in my whore!
She had explained to Karen what had happened and what had been said as soon as she got to her mum and dad’s house. She expected support and a little disappointment towards Josh from her mum but was surprised when her mum took Josh’s side. If that wasn’t bad enough, after taking a bath to try and calm herself down, she had walked in on her mum having a telephone conversation with Josh about how hot headed Holly could be from time to time and that - despite what she had said - everything would be fine by the morning.
Don’t you worry, Karen had said, I’ll talk to her. It will be fine. You go out and enjoy yourself.
Holly went absolutely ballistic at her and, when Frank got home, he walked into one hell of a shouting match between the pair of them. Names were getting thrown around, accusations about being on the wrong side - all childish stuff in Frank’s eyes not that he ever voiced his own opinion. He simply waited for them to stop what they were doing and then stepped in to pick up the pieces again with a part of him wishing he were back at work.
For what it was worth though - the following morning - Holly had calmed down and she went home to have a conversation with Josh only to be confronted by an apology, a large bouquet of beautiful red roses and the news that Josh hadn’t left the house. Instead he had decided to stay in for the evening, alone, giving it his best attempt to get all of the housework done for his stressed partner. Their afternoon was spent in the bedroom making up properly.
* * * * *
“I’m sorry,” Karen said as soon as Holly walked into the kitchen, “I didn’t mean anything by it - certainly nothing bad. I didn’t want to tread on your toes. I was just trying to help out,” she finished.
She was standing by the cooker, preparing a fry-up for everyone. The vicar had already left, having dropped off some leaflets for Holly to look through if, and when, she wanted to.
“It’s fine. I over-reacted and I’m sorry,” said Holly. “I just wish you’d warn me if you were doing things like this. That’s all I ask.”
“It won’t happen again,” said Karen.
Holly didn’t bring it up, for fear of another petty argument, but It won’t happen again was something Karen always said after they had had a falling out over something silly she had done whether it was for the right reasons or the wrong reasons. Yet here she was again - doing it again. Holly sat down at the kitchen table. Frank sat down opposite her having fetched the morning newspaper from the front door mat. He unfolded it and started to read the headlines - just as he did every morning.
“Oh, honey,” Karen said, “we’re out of milk - are you able to pop to the shop?” Frank didn’t say anything. He simply folded his newspaper up, slammed it onto the table, got up and walked from the room. Seconds later the girls heard the front door open and close. “What’s wrong with him?” Karen asked Holly.
Holly couldn’t help but smile. She reached for the newspaper and opened it up to read the latest headlines whilst Karen simply went back to her cooking.
“Don’t forget Josh’s mum will be here later this afternoon,” Karen piped up breaking the momentary silence, “I know you don’t want to but there’s so much to organise.”
Holly didn’t say anything. She knew she couldn’t put it off forever. There was also a small part of her that thought, maybe, getting the funeral out of the way would help quieten her mind overall. Maybe it’s what she needed to do to help her say goodbye to him?
“Okay,” she said.
Not Alone
Holly was upstairs when Josh’s mum, Rosie, knocked on the front door. Karen answered it and let her in before calling up the stairs for Holly to come down. By the time Holly got down the stairs, the two mothers were sitting in the lounge on the sofa. Immediately Rosie st
ood up and greeted Holly with a warm hug - the first time they had seen each other since the news had been broken.
“How are you doing?” Rosie asked. She didn’t need an answer. A rhetorical question asked only out of politeness.
“I’m fine, thank you,” she said. “How are you?” she asked.
Rosie broke down into floods of tears, “I’m sorry - I can’t do this,” she said. She stood up and made her way out of the lounge towards the front door. Karen instinctively went to go after her but was stopped by Holly who gave chase instead. By the time she caught up with Rosie she was outside by her car door. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I just...I can’t do this.” There was something about the way she was acting that made Holly think there was more to it than just the usual amount of grief someone felt after losing a lost one - if there was such a thing as the usual amount. She opened the car door but Holly pushed it shut again before she had a chance to take her seat. “Please - I have to go - I shouldn’t have come,” she continued.
The way she was acting was the way Holly had been acting after she had received the phone calls. Holly recognised it almost immediately. She took a deep breath and just plunged in with the question without really giving it any thought, “You’ve spoken to him too, haven’t you?” she asked.
Rosie just looked at her with a look of disbelief, promptly followed by one of relief, “You’ve spoken to him since the accident?” she asked, thankful that she wasn’t the only one as it meant she wasn’t going mad as she had feared - just as Holly had also worried. “He phones me in the mornings,” she said as she struggled to hold back the tears. “He doesn’t know what has happened to him. He just chats as though everything is fine. Every conversation we have different to the last. They always end the same way - something about poor signal and coming up to a tunnel...”
“I know he phones me too,” Holly said. She didn’t tell Rosie about the last phone call they had shared. The one where she had told him to go towards the light. Nor did she share the information that, despite how the calls come across, Josh knew that he was dead and how scared he was. Rosie didn’t need to know that. It was hard enough losing a son - let alone knowing they were still capable of thinking and - worse still - scared of where they were. It would be too much for her to bear. “I thought I was going mad...”
“Me too!”
“I tried to capture it on my phone, by recording it, but I only got one side of the conversation,” Holly explained. “My mum and dad thought I was making it up - a way of dealing badly with the grief!” Just as Rosie was relieved to know she wasn’t alone, so was Holly. Not only did they know they weren’t going mad but - an added bonus - they both knew they’d have a chance to, one day, meet up with Josh again.
“How are we supposed to arrange a funeral when we’re still talking to him?” Rosie asked as she wiped away the tears from her cheeks. Holly didn’t mention that she hadn’t spoken to Josh that day and she didn’t mention that she didn’t think she’d be getting the chance to talk to him again. “I can’t do it,” she said. “It’s not right.”
“Maybe the calls will stop,” said Holly. “I don’t know how he is doing it but maybe - one day - he’ll find peace and everything will go quiet? We could start to arrange it then. We don’t need to rush into things,” she continued knowing full well that the calls had already stopped.
“And what if they carry on? We can’t just leave him at the hospital, or in a funeral home. They’d push us into dealing with it - no doubt sooner rather than later,” she said. Holly couldn’t answer her. She knew it would be okay, for another day or two, but she couldn’t let on to Rosie how she knew which made it all the more difficult. And then everything changed for Holly too, “He sounded so happy this morning,” said Rosie, “as though he didn’t have a care in the world...”
“You spoke to his this morning?” Holly cut in.
“Same time - just after half past eight,” Rosie said. “Just the usual kind of conversation we’ve been having.”
Holly cut her short again, “Please can you give me a lift back to my house?” she asked.
Rosie looked at her, confused. She wasn’t sure where the sudden urgency in Holly’s voice had come from but agreed anyway. Without any hesitation, Holly ran around to the other side of the car and jumped in. Rosie clambered into the driving seat.
“Did you at least want to get your shoes?” she asked.
“I have shoes at home,” Holly replied. She didn’t even look at Rosie - just kept her eyes looking straight forward. A woman on a mission.
* * * * *
The drive home was more or less silent. The silence only broken up, occasionally, with Rosie trying - and failing - to engage Holly in conversation about the type of calls she had been receiving. Holly answered her, each time she was asked something, but kept the answers short and to the point. Her mind more concerned about whether she had missed any calls from Josh because she hadn’t been at home to receive them - or alone at least. Maybe the calls came through to any phone just so long as she was by herself. She just hoped that - if Rosie was still receiving them - she would too and that she hadn’t just put Josh off from calling her. To know that Rosie would continue to get calls, but she wouldn’t, tore her up inside as did the thought of Josh hanging around, in the darkness, too scared to venture any further into what he described as being ‘the tunnel’.
It wasn’t long before Rosie pulled into Holly’s driveway. Although Holly had worked herself into a quiet state, Rosie was feeling a little happier than when she had burst into tears back at Karen and Frank’s place. The drive, with her daughter-in-law, and the knowledge that she wasn’t losing her mind making her feel more at peace than she had felt for a long time - at least since hearing the news of her son’s death anyway. Holly, on the other hand, was feeling a sadness she couldn’t describe. Sadness, mixed with regret, a great sense of loss and fear all rolled into one mess of an emotion with other random thoughts popping in which she couldn’t make sense of.
Rosie pulled up behind Holly’s car and turned to her passenger, “Here we are,” she said. She could see that Holly was getting herself into a mess. She was pale now. Not that she wasn’t pale before, when she first saw her in her parents’ house, but she wasn’t as pale as she was now. She also looked as though she was desperately trying to stop from herself from crying. “Did you want me to come in with you?” Rosie asked.
Holly shook her head, “No,” she said, “but thank you for the offer.” Rosie smiled at her. She knew what she was going through. “I just want to be alone,” said Holly. Not quite true. She just knew she had to be to be in with a chance of a phone call. She smiled back at Rosie and thanked her for the lift before she jumped out of the car.
“If you need anything,” Rosie offered, “just give me a ring...And I’m sorry I’ve been quiet for the last couple of days, I just thought that...Well...You know...With the calls...I wasn’t really in the mood for talking to anyone else.”
Holly smiled at her again. She understood but didn’t feel the need to say the words to her. She closed the car door and hurried up to the front door. Rosie watched, for a second, as Holly pulled a key from her pocket and opened the door before stepping inside. With the door closed, and Holly safely inside, she reversed her car out of the drive.
Meanwhile - inside the house - Holly was standing in the hallway. She had a faint smile on her face as the sound of the telephone ringing echoed through the empty building. She hurried over to the phone, where she had left it on the stairs earlier, and answered it.
“Hi, honey!” said Josh. His voice was chirpy as though the previous conversation had never taken place.
The Call (Part Three)
Josh didn’t let Holly say anything. He continued with what he was going to say before she could moan at him for not going ahead, as they had discussed, “I’m sorry,” he confessed, “I couldn’t go. Not yet. I wasn’t ready.”
“Don’t apologise,” she said, “I’m glad you didn�
��t go.”
“I thought you’d be angry,” he laughed.
“I don’t want you to be scared,” said Holly. “I want you to be happy. I thought you would be okay if you went towards the light. I thought everything would be better for you?”
“But what about for you?” he asked. “I can’t go until I know you’re alright,” he continued. They both laughed. Both of them more concerned about their partners rather than their own feelings. “So,” he carried on to keep the conversation flowing, “what now?”
“I don’t know,” she replied. She knew they couldn’t go on forever, talking like this. At some point she knew - they both knew - that their luck couldn’t continue and he wouldn’t be able to get through to her anymore. Although neither of them spoke about it - they both knew that was going to be an extremely hard day to deal with. “I spoke to your mum today,” Holly said, changing the subject.
There was a slight pause before Josh asked, “How is she doing?” He had paused because he wasn’t sure whether to ask or not. Rosie had already lost her husband. She had never remarried and now - on top of that - she had lost her son too. Her only son. Josh worried how he would have reacted on the phone to Holly had she turned round, now, and said Rosie wasn’t coping well at all.
