by Matt Shaw
The news had come as a shock to both of them. Not just the miscarriage but the pregnancy in the first place. Holly had been on the pill and, foolishly, they never bothered with any other form of contraception. The doctors told her that the antibiotics Holly had been taking for a chest infection had stopped the pill from doing what it was supposed to do and one thing had led to another. She was scared - as was Josh - especially as they were still new in their relationship but, after long chats, they decided they’d like to go ahead and have the child.
Less than two months later, through no fault of her own, Holly suffered a miscarriage. By the time she got to the doctors to get checked over she had already come to terms with the fact that she had lost her baby. Josh - on the other hand - had no idea and remained hopeful right up until the moment they were told that there was no heartbeat. Right there, in front of the doctor, he broke down into floods of tears as he held onto his partner’s hand.
* * * * *
Holly was surprised by Josh’s reaction. To go from thinking she had been dreaming about his death to crying, was more than she had expected from him. That is, at least, until he confessed that he had known something was wrong and that he was aware this wasn’t the first phone call that they had shared. He went onto explain that he knew about the previous calls and that everything around him was dark - a long tunnel with a light at the end of it. Every time he had hung up on her before, or pretended that the signal was going, was nothing more than a way of getting her off the phone when he realised that he could no longer keep up the pretense that everything was okay.
“I’m scared,” he confessed. Holly was crying now too. It was bad enough to know that Josh was aware of what was happening to him but to hear him say he was scared was more than she could handle. Words that she had never heard him say before - and didn’t think she’d ever hear from him. He continued, “I don’t want to go to the light. What if I do and I can’t get through to you again?” he said through his tears, “I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.”
His words tore Holly’s heart apart. She didn’t understand how he was calling her in the first place and she didn’t care. She just wished she could make everything better. She wished that she could take away his fear and - somehow - bring him back to her. Then it dawned on her, if there was a way forward then surely there would be a way back too? “What’s behind you?” she asked.
“Nothing,” he said, “just blackness. I tried going back but it was like I was walking on the spot. The light didn’t get any further away as you’d think it would...I’m so sorry, Holly...I never meant for this to happen. I don’t know how it did. Everything’s a mess in my mind. I want to come home!” he said. He no longer sounded like the man she had fallen in love with. She still loved him but now he sounded as though he were a scared boy. She felt like telling him to go towards the light. Not because she wanted him to. She didn’t. She wanted to keep him on the phone forever but realised it would have been selfish. At least if he walked towards the light - hopefully his fear would be gone.
She took a deep breath - trying to pluck up the courage to speak, “Go to the light,” she told him.
“No.”
“Please - go towards the light. It might make everything better.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“I’m not ready to say goodbye to you yet. Oh God, I didn’t even have any insurance! I left you with nothing.”
“I’m fine,” Holly lied. She was trying her best to fight back her tears. Trying her best to remain strong for him just as Karen and Frank had been strong for her. She continued, “I have good people around me,” she said. She also knew, deep down, that she couldn’t go on with her life if she kept getting phone calls from Josh. Especially as no one else was able to hear them. If she wasn’t mad now then it wouldn’t be long before she was. “I love you,” she said.
There was a pause, “I love you too.”
The pair of them fell into silence.
Josh was the first to break it, “Is this it then?” he asked. Holly hesitated. She didn’t want to say the words. She didn’t want to say goodbye. She didn’t want any of this. But if anyone asked her whether she had wanted to never receive the phone calls in the first place - she would have said she wouldn’t have given them away for anything. “Are you there?” he asked softly.
“I’m here,” she said.
“Thank you for being with me. Thank you for being my wife. I’m sorry I couldn’t be more of a husband for you,” he said. He was fighting back the tears. If this was to be the last time they spoke together, he wanted to appear strong for her. He wanted her to remember him as the man he was.
Holly couldn’t contain it any longer and broke down, “Thank you for being my husband,” she said. “I love you so much and always will.”
“One thing you could do for me though?” he said, “I don’t want my funeral to be one of those boring affairs with hymns and such. That’s not who I am. Can you try and jazz it up a little? Maybe have the people singing some Pink Floyd or something?” he laughed. “I love you,” he said.
Holly didn’t get a chance to say anything back to him. She didn’t get a chance to say, again, that she loved him. She didn’t get a chance to say that she’d get people singing something other than hymns. The line disconnected. Holly put the phone down and sat there, for a moment, in shock. What had happened was impossible and something which should have been celebrated. Instead, she had just turned her back on it. Encouraged the love of her life to never call her again.
She picked the phone up again and dialed a number.
Her father answered, “Hello?”
The Necessary Arrangements
Frank carried Holly’s bag into her parent’s home for her and dropped it next to the stairs - ready for Holly to take to her bedroom later on. Despite not living with them for a while now, they had never done anything with her old room even though they teased her they were going to turn it into an arts and crafts room for Karen to work in with her various oil paintings - something she wasn’t very good at but enjoyed doing since becoming semi-retired.
The whole drive back to the house, with the exception of thanking her father for collecting her, Holly hadn’t spoken nor had Frank pushed her into doing so. He believed that, if she wanted to talk, she would.
Karen greeted Holly at the door with a smile and hug, along with the news that the kettle was on. Holly thanked her and then told her concerned parents that she’d prefer a lie down upstairs instead of a hot drink. Neither Frank nor Karen argued with her and left her to it as she collected her bag, from the bottom of the stairs where Frank had left it, and walked up to her old room - closing the door behind her once she was there.
Holly lay down on the bed and rested her head against the soft pillow. The bed hadn’t been changed since Holly had left. There had been no need to change it. It was more or less new when she moved out of the family home - into her first place, a small flat which she rented with Josh. Even the bed had memories of Josh. Usually she’d be happy about them but not now - not since turning her back on the chance to speak to him. Not now she knew he was gone.
Should we go on the floor? Josh had asked. It was the first time he had stayed around Holly’s mum and dad’s home. He only ended up staying because it had gotten so late and Frank had said it made sense but he certainly wasn’t supposed to be staying in Holly’s bedroom. He was supposed to be staying on the sofa - which Karen had made up for him. She hadn’t wasted her time, though. Not entirely. Josh had had every intention of sleeping on the sofa just after he had spent some time with Holly - something he snuck off to do as soon as Frank and Karen went to off to their bedroom and a suitable amount of time had passed. A safe amount of time to ensure her parents would be asleep. Josh had only been on top of Holly for a couple of minutes but was getting paranoid by the squeaking mattress. Holly shushed him and pulled him closer, deeper, into her. He thrust again but soon stopped when the sounds of the bed made hi
m nervous again. I think we should go on the floor! He had said again. At his request, they moved onto the floor. A couple of moments into their quiet lovemaking and the floorboards started to creak beneath them. The two of them laughed like naughty school children.
Holly started to cry as the memory played back through her tired mind. That evening - when Josh had snuck into her bedroom for an unscheduled bit of loving - they had ended up taking their activities downstairs and into the lounge. The sofa which Karen had lovingly prepared for Josh.
* * * * *
Holly hadn’t managed to fall asleep at all, despite her best efforts. Every time she closed her eyes she could see Josh. She could hear his voice. She could hear him telling her how much he loved her. She gave up trying to close her eyes and - in the end - she did her best to keep them open even though, after a few seconds of trying, they started to sting.
She wasn’t sure how long she had been lying on the bed when a knock on the door disturbed her. She didn’t call out to let the person know it was okay to come in but - even so - the door opened and her mum stuck her head around the corner.
“Are you okay?” Karen asked. She knew it was a stupid question. “Did you manage to get some sleep?” she asked. Another stupid question. “I wasn’t sure how long to leave you up here for,” she said. She stepped into the room and walked over to the bed, taking a seat on the edge of it. The mattress squeaked beneath her weight and another memory of Josh flashed through Holly’s mind. She shut it out. “Look - about the other day,” Karen said carefully. She didn’t need to spell out what she was talking about. She was referring to the phone calls Holly said she had been receiving. “The phone calls...” she continued regardless.
“You were right,” Holly said quickly so as not to have to go into it, “you were right,” she said again. “I’m sorry for putting you through that.”
Karen was relieved to hear Holly say that. Not that she was sorry for putting her through it but more that Karen was right. It had been in her head - whether it was wishful thinking or emotional stress which caused it. It hadn’t happened. “You have nothing to apologise for,” said Karen, “you’re going through a lot of stress at the moment. It’s perfectly understandable that you’d get confused from time to time. I just wanted you to know that...I’m here for you. As is your father. Whatever you need. We’re here for you. Okay?”
Holly nodded, “Thank you.”
“We both love you,” she said, “and if we could make everything right again - we would. You shouldn’t be going through this. Not now, not ever. It’s not fair but...” she stopped herself from talking. “Look - when you’re ready - we need to talk.” Holly looked at her blankly. “The hospital phoned your mobile phone whilst you were up here. I answered it for you to take a message.” She took her daughter’s hand as she knew the news she was about to pass on would upset her, “They’re releasing the body,” she said. “We need to start thinking about making the necessary arrangements.” She expected Holly to start crying but she didn’t even seem to register what was being said to her. “Did you hear me?” Karen asked. “We need to start planning the funeral,” she said. “I’ve phoned Josh’s mum and she’s coming over tomorrow, to start going through things. Is that okay?” Holly nodded but didn’t give her mother anything else. For once Karen didn’t push her. She simply nodded and gave her hand a squeeze. “If you need anything I’ll be downstairs,” she said. Karen stood up and walked to the door but stopped before she went through it. She turned to her daughter, “I love you,” she said. Holly just smiled at her. Karen waited a couple of seconds and stepped from the room. She closed the door behind her, giving Holly her privacy again.
Do you think she knew I was here? Josh had asked once after he was forced to hide under the bed when they heard Karen coming up the stairs.
“You’re still alive, aren’t you?” Holly said out loud - just as she had said when Josh first asked if her mum had heard him under the bed. She closed her eyes. If only he had still been alive. What she’d give for one more touch. One more hug. Even a meal with him in the restaurant where they got engaged. She even promised to herself and God that, if it were possible, she’d even pay the bill this time around. God didn’t answer. She laid there wishing for all of these things which were impossible just as most idle wishes were. She wanted all of this so much and - yet - all she had to look forward to was planning his funeral.
One thing you could do for me though? she heard him say, I don’t want my funeral to be one of those boring affairs with hymns and such. That’s not who I am. Can you try and jazz it up a little? Maybe have the people singing some Pink Floyd or something?” she heard him laugh again, I love you.
“I love you too,” she said. The memory playing through her mind vivid enough to fool her into talking out loud. “I love you too,” she repeated.
* * * * *
Morning came with brilliant sunshine shining through the window of Holly’s bedroom. Holly was wide away. Her eyes staring at the small clock on the desk which sat next to the window. She had been staring at the clock, on and off, for most of the night. Brief minutes stolen away by dreamless sleeps. It was one minute past eight. About the time Josh would have been calling at home had she not told him to go towards the light. Despite not expecting the call from him her heart had been racing for the last ten minutes on the off-chance he had stuck around to phone her again. It wouldn’t have been the first time he refused to do what she had told him to do. As another minute rolled by she couldn’t help but wish this had been one of the occasions he had ignored her and chosen to do what pleased him but it didn’t appear as though he had. No phones were ringing in the house. She kicked the duvet off and sat up blurry-eyed. This was to be the first day of the rest of her life. The day when she started to, slowly, put the pieces back together again having had everything shattered into a million tiny fragments a few days prior. She couldn’t have Josh back. She knew that. She could still mourn him, and she would, but she knew it wouldn’t change anything. She knew she couldn’t stay in bed for the rest of her life with the duvet pulled over her head keeping people away. She knew she had to move on. It wasn’t going to be easy but that was okay because she didn’t expect it to be.
By the time she had thrown her dressing gown on and gone down the stairs she could hear voices coming from the kitchen. One of them belonged to her mother but the other was a stranger’s. A man. She tied the belt of her dressing gown, to hide her nightie, and walked through to the kitchen where Karen was sitting with what appeared to be a vicar. Karen smiled at Holly as soon as she noticed her and stood up to introduce the man - who also stood up.
“This is Father Richards,” Karen said, “he’s in charge of St Paul’s church in the village. An old family friend.”
Father Richards extended his hand, “How do you do?” he said, “I’m terribly sorry for your loss,” he continued. He pulled his hand back when he realised Holly wasn’t about to be shaking it. She was more confused as to why he was there.
“I don’t understand,” she said, “what are you doing here?” She turned to Karen, “What’s he doing here?” she asked. “And if he’s an old family friend - how come I don’t know him?”
Father Richards explained, “Your mother got in contact with me about performing a service on behalf of your late husband,” he said.
Holly shook her head. “No.” She turned to Karen, “What are you doing? Josh didn’t want this. He didn’t want a boring church service. He said so. It wasn’t his thing,” she started to panic when she realised that her mother was already trying to organise things the way she perceived they should be done as opposed to how Holly, or Josh, would have preferred them to be handled.
Father Richards stepped in to try and diffuse the situation before the flames took hold and it turned into something it needn’t be, “No one is here to arrange anything or do anything without your say so,” he said, “I’m just here to have a chat. There’s no obligation!” he finished.
&nbs
p; Holly ignored him, “Josh didn’t want this!” she repeated. She didn’t wait for Karen to say anything, or even try and defend herself, she simply turned and hurried from the room - passing a confused Frank in the process. Karen turned to the vicar and apologised for her behaviour.
“Someone want to tell me what’s going on?” said Frank.
Trying To Help
Frank was sitting with Holly in what used to be her bedroom. Holly was angry that she had gone downstairs to be confronted by all of that when she hadn’t even been warned someone would be coming over and - more importantly - she hadn’t been asked. Once again it just felt as though her mother was trying to take control of things, whether it was for the right reason or the wrong reason, it annoyed her. Frank understood exactly where Holly was coming from and didn’t disagree with her but - at the same time - he just wanted to keep the peace. With everything going on in their lives at the moment he knew that the last thing they needed was for the family to fall out - especially over something which had been done with the best of intentions.
