by Michael Dean
It did me good to see that so many had showed up to pay their last respects to my fallen brother. Shade and I held hands and started to walk towards the burial site. In the distance we could see a very emotional Sandra standing with her family eyeballing the two of us as we headed towards them. Our initial intent was to approach her and grieve with her, but it appeared Sandra had different intentions.
It didn’t take her but a second to start marching towards us. Her despair appeared to switch to anger the closer she got to us.
Shade and I stopped in our tracks, staring at her. I was not expecting what happened next.
“Forgive me, Shade, for what I’m about to say next, but someone has to say something to him.” Sandra strutted right up to us as she pointed at me.
“Sandra?” Shade said as I looked at Sandra, confused.
Next thing I knew, I was smacked across the face.
“This is your fault this happened. Mark would still be alive if it wasn’t for you.” She screamed at me in rage.
Shade reached for her to calm her but Sandra was having nothing to do with that and batted at her.
“No, Shade…you are welcome here, but he isn’t. I don’t care how you feel about what I say to your husband, but it has to be said.” She demanded.
I looked over to my bewildered wife, “Go ahead without me hunnie, join the families,” I requested as Shade looked reluctantly at the two of us as if she wanted to say something but didn’t.
Shade hesitated for a second, but did as I asked, leaving the two us alone.
“Sandra…I know you’re angry with me and deservingly so, but he was my brother, I love him every bit as much as…”
“Oh shut up, Leo. The two of us had plans together…a future together and because of you we were robbed of it. Now there is another loss in this community because of what you are.” She battered me and lowered her tone.
“Sandra…this wasn’t my intent…”
“Of course not. Because the whole world has to stop for Leo Cutler while he plays hero while innocent people continue to die. All you see is what is right in front of you. Just because you're immortal doesn’t mean the rest of us are.”
“I know people are dying because of me, Sandra. You don’t think I’m beating myself up about this too? Since the start of this thing I have been ripped apart by despair.”
“You’ve done that to yourself and you’ve dragged us all in this with you. Now we suffer in the wake of your turbulence while you get to march around like some magical hero.”
“Sandra, I…”
“You’re no hero, Leo Cutler. We know what you are. You’re a goddamn demon. The lowest form of scum ever cascaded over the backs of humanity. You are a disgrace. You and your kind bring nothing to people but sorrow and dread. You think because Shade doesn’t see what you are that the rest of us don’t?” She pointed into my chest.
“I know what you are. You are a good for nothing, self-serving piece of trash. You may have been stupidly forgiven by the Spears, but you will not get such grace from me. You are a curse, Leo. You’ve always been one. Wherever you go, trouble follows and I am not going to be a part of your little fight for heroism anymore. I hate you for what you’ve done to this town, this world, and to me. I hate you for letting Mark return here. I don’t blame Christian or whoever, I blame you. This is all your fault and you are no longer welcome around me or my family again.” She concluded and turned away from me in a huff.
I watched as she joined Shade and her family and had a short conversation with them before walking off. Shade stared at me with a sympathetic look as she walked back to me. I stood in perplexity as my wife approached and slid her arms around my waist, resting her head on my chest.
“She’s just making an already hard situation more difficult. Don’t worry yourself about whatever she said, hun.”
“No…no, she’s right. Mark’s death is my fault.”
Her head ripped up to looked at me. “Shut your mouth. Don’t you say things like that. Today is day to honor him, not for others to slander you in his name.”
I didn’t respond, I just nodded in agreement.
“Now, let’s go over there and send our friend, your brother, off with the respect he richly deserves.” She started to lead me.
I was feeling something different. After Sandra’s onslaught on me, I felt that familiar feeling of not belonging again. I decided I should stay put.
“I think I’m going to hang back…right here.” I stood as she continued to try and pull me forward.
“Come now, that’s silly. Let’s go. You belong here just as much, if not more, than anyone else.” She urged.
“No, no. The last thing Scruff would want is tension between those that he loved. I think watching things from back here is the best sign-off I can give my brother. Besides, I had my time with him before and after he died. Let others have their moment with him. I don’t want to add anymore discomfort to anyone’s hurting hearts right now. That’s the last, honorable thing I can do for my brother.” I smiled at her.
“Are you sure? Want me to stay here with you?”
“No sweetheart, but thank you. You go join our loved ones. I’ll be fine…really. I’ll be right here waiting for you when it’s over.” I smiled.
“Okay.” She agreed and gave me a kiss.
I watched her walk off to rejoin our families and snuck a peek over at my two angelic friends. They were staring at me and managed to give me a comforting nod, of which I returned back to them. I looked back to the funeral and watched everyone settle. I could see Scruffy’s casket sitting in the front over the top of the heads in the crowd. There was a striking assortment of flowers gathered around his casket as well as on top of it. When the preacher started his service, I could hear the occasional sniffle it was so quiet. Even though I was some distance away, the preacher’s voice seemed to flow free and clear into my attentive ears.
Argento and Elysia approached the ceremony, getting a little closer. They stood behind the back row of chairs, trying to blend in. I was alone, the furthest back from everyone else. I guess this is where I’ve always been to some degree. I realize I’ve been fortunate enough to find humans that actually love and care for me, but that still doesn’t change the fact that I’ve really never belonged among them. No matter how hard I’ve tried to fit in, I just don’t. Rightfully so—I’m not human. No matter how hard I try, no matter how hard they try, deep down I knew Sandra was right, I was still an outcast.
On the other hand, there was no way I would forsake my wife and child regardless of what I am. I will always be there for them, at least if that’s up to me I will. Nothing could ever tear me apart from them…nothing. Whatever adversity the humans may throw at me, if any beyond this point, I just have to hold steady to those who won’t abandon me, be there for them as long as they want me to. Those that do forsake me, I must write off for my own well-being as well as theirs. I realize that I don’t fit in with the vast majority of humans. I need to give them what they want, that is, keep my distance, even to old friends like Sandra who I care for. That’s the best I can do to offer them some peace. For those that want me in their life, it is for them that I must keep my focus.
As I thought, I remained fixated on the various faces at the funeral. Some were somber, some even smiled during the warmer moments while others clenched their throats to hold back tears or some simply let them flow. Everything was in slow motion for me, swaying in symphony to rhythm of the preacher's words. When the preacher concluded, a very sad, but yet, uplifting song began to play and people lined up to bid my brother farewell…even Argento and Elysia. The song seemed to jar loose tears from even the toughest of individuals.
I watched my parents approach, never taking my eyes off them as they hunched over the casket to bid their son farewell. Shade and the rest of the Lewis clan was right behind them, the families joined together in a group hug over the top of the casket, taking in their last moments with him, working out a good cry in unison
. When this happened, I could feel some of the sorrow they were experiencing within myself, this was a different type of sadness brewing within me, much different than my usual demon sorrow.
When they were finished, they stood off to the side of the casket a few feet. My mother and father were offered condolences by everyone, one by one. When Sandra’s time came to say goodbye to her fiancé, she wept hard and leaned over to kiss him on his forehead. She laid something in the casket with him before she walked away. When she got to my mother and father, they hugged for quite some time, all three of them together. I could tell they were sobbing uncontrollably. When they finally broke from their embrace, Sandra had to walk by Shade. Shade leaned over to console her but only received a half-hearted hug from Sandra for her efforts. Afterwards, Sandra walked away with her family. I could tell Shade was bothered by her best friend's blow off. Shade stared at her for a while and then looked to where I was and we made eye contact. It was as if she said to me, “Did you see that?” without speaking.
Argento and Elysia took a moment with Scruffy and then moved on to the families. They were warmly greeted by them. After their brief encounter, I saw Argento pull Elysia aside. They duo looked over at me and then Elysia started heading my way while Argento stayed behind.
“Always on the outside looking in, Father?” Elysia kidded me as she neared.
“Always, Daughter.” I grinned.
“How’s…you know who doing?” I asked.
“Mark? He’s blending in fine with us…he’s an odd soul, but a good one.” We both chuckled.
“That’s my boy.” I continued to laugh. “I wish I could see him.”
“I know, Leo. I’m sorry you can’t.”
“So what’s up? You angels always come around for a reason, what’s going on?” I looked at her with playful suspicion.
“You know us well. We need to chat about your confrontation with Christian…just for a moment.” Her face got serious and I knew where she was going.
“Are you really going to do this right here, right now, Elysia? Can’t this wait?” I asked, a little flustered.
“I realize this is bad timing to have a heavy conversation, that’s why Argento sent me over here on my own. He was hoping you would be more receptive right now. Leo, we are going on our own with this one. Michael has not permitted Argento to divulge what I’m about to tell you.” She reached for my hand pulling it to her, cupping it within both of her hands.
“You are going to lose against Christian.” She looked at me hard.
I flung my head back in disgust, “I am tired of hearing this same, regurgitated line, Elysia. I continue hearing this every time there is a fight to be had. I figured it would be no different this time either. I know what I’m going up against. I know the odds are against me. You’ve already told me that my chances are near zero of beating him and I will die. Even Anne has told me the same thing. Is this really what you came over here for, to tell me something I already know?” I rolled my eyes.
“Leo…listen to me...”I glanced back at her.
“Your chances aren’t near zero…they are zero. When you meet Christian, you will die. This isn’t speculation, this isn’t guessing, this is certainty. Christian will kill you. You will not defeat him.”
I pulled my hand out of hers.
“So now you’ve given up on me too? You’re telling me that everything I have done…overcome, has been in vain? What about all the defeating him with love talk? You said that was the only way, is that no longer an option now too?” I tensed in aggravation.
“Since this started, we’ve all known, including Christian, that if you made it to him, you’d not be strong enough to take him out.”
I turned my side to her and stared at Scruffy’s coffin hopeless.
“Leo…love is the only way to defeat Christian, but it will not be your love that wields the power to do it…I’m sorry.”
“This whole time, Elysia…this whole time you’ve known this? Now what…what do I do now if continuing on is a charade? What do I do?” I looked to her in pure devastation.
“You continue, Father…look at me,” she delicately placed her hand on my cheek and pulled my gaze to her, “you push on.” Her beautiful eyes captivated me.
“But…why? What’s the point?”
“Because you must. You have to continue to give them hope, Father. They must continue to believe in your cause. Do you understand?” She looked at my sternly.
“No…I don’t.”
She looked away, “Look…all I can tell you is to go at Christian with everything you’ve got. Fight him like you don’t know the outcome…when the time comes, embrace your death with dignity and courage.”
“That’s it?”
“That’s it.”
“Why would you tell me this, Elysia? Why tell me that it’s a certainty that I will die?”
“Because, Father, if you accept what is to come and still find the heart to continue on and confront your destiny, you’ll live on, in their eyes. Go out giving the humans hope, more so than you’ve already done. That’s the best legacy you can leave. That is why we went against the grain to tell you about this. Not to shatter your hope, but so you know to take every moment you have left to leave a lasting impression on the human world while you’re still a part of it.” She smiled.
I surveyed the scene in frustration, but I understood what they needed from me. They wanted the human spirit to remain strong, to still have faith. That helps the heavens keep the balance. I could respect that.
“Okay, Elysia…okay. I will see this out to the bitter end. I will go on as if this knowledge doesn’t exist…I will keep this to myself though. I can’t tell Shade about this.”
“Understood…I think that would be best, until next time.” She grinned and bowed and started to walk away.
“Elysia?”
She turned.
“I have one deep regret about all this.”
“That is?” She titled her head.
“I’ll never get to see you grow up.” I grinned.
“Don’t worry…I will have a wonderful mother.”
She smiled back and headed back to Argento.
I looked ahead of her to see him staring at me. I nodded to him, telling him that I got the message.
So now I must push on; for what reasons, I’m not sure about anymore.
CHAPTER 19
SOLITUDE
Argento and Elysia walked off in the distance together and I caught Shade peering in my direction with curiosity. She must have witnessed my little conversation with Elysia. She waited a few minutes for the rest of the attendees to clear out, along with her parents before she headed back to me.
The only people left in attendance now were myself, Shade, and my mother and father. My parents decided to stick around, much like Darryl’s parents did, to watch them lower their son into his eternal resting spot. They were having a wake at their house afterwards—I’m sure people wouldn’t mind if they were held up for a few minutes.
“What was that all about?” Shade questioned.
“You know, same ol’ same ol’ advice about Christian, some condolences regarding Scruffy…that kind of stuff.” I put my arm around her.
“You going to be okay?”
“Oh yeah…as good as I ever was.”
“You ready to go over to your parents’ house? Have some food and celebrate his life with our friends and family?”
“Well, of course, but I think I’m still more comfortable sticking around in the background for now. That’s want I want to do for my brother, let certain people mourn him without anger because I’m present.”
“Oh, Leo, you are much too hard on yourself, but, do as you wish.” We made our way to the car.
We waited for my mom and dad to finish. It just didn’t feel right for us to leave them entirely alone right now. Once my brother was lowered, the two of them took a slow walk back to their car. We waved at them once they saw we hadn’t left and got behind them to
follow them home.
When we got there, pretty much everyone from the funeral had made it and were parked all around the house. They were in the front yard conversing with each other as they waited for my parents to arrive. Pretty much everyone had some sort of food dish in tow. Mom and dad managed to squeak out some smiles for the first time since Scruffy had passed when they saw who all came. They were obviously grateful for the overflow of support the community was showing toward their son. They opened the front door and everyone trickled inside the house while Shade and I hung back in the front yard.
“Well…you going inside?” she asked.
“Yeah…eventually, but I want to wait for a minute, let everyone settle, especially Sandra, before I show my face in there. You go ahead and go inside…I’ll be in shortly.” I smiled at her and pulled her to my side.
“Do what you need to…I’m right here if you need me. See you in a few.”
We kissed again and she went inside. For a while, I stood in place, staring at the front of the house. I could see the people inside greeting and hugging one another in front of the windows. I felt empty. I was doing my best not to show what was troubling me. I was trying to remain strong for Shade and my family. Along with the fretting over the death of my brother, I couldn’t figure out why Argento and Elysia picked his funeral as the time to tell me that I would soon be joining him with such certainty. I was going to need some time to myself today, but now wasn’t the time to wallow in self-pity.
I slowly stepped up to the house, opening the door, trying my best to go unnoticed. As soon as I stepped in, my father was at the door.
“I was about to go out and get you son.”
“Sorry, I just needed a moment.”
“I understand. C’mon in, get something to eat, say 'hi' to everyone.” He placed his hand at the small of my back.
“I will…I’ll do it in a minute.”
“Take your time.” He smiled and walked into the living room with everyone else.
