The Virgin's Debt to Pay

by Abby Green

  As if reading her mind, he said, ‘My life isn’t about relationships, Nessa. I don’t have anything to offer you except what we’ve shared. There are other women who understand that and can accept it. You’re different and, believe me, that’s a good thing. But I don’t do fairy-tale endings. For me...the novelty has worn off.’

  The novelty has worn off. The sheen had gone from his naive virginal lover. Nessa should be thanking him for being so brutally honest, but she just felt incredibly sad, and sick.

  She lifted her chin. ‘I’m not as naive as you might think, Luc. And I don’t believe in fairy tales either.’ Liar... whispered that voice. Nessa ignored it.

  ‘I’m ready to leave now, if you want to let your driver know.’

  For a long moment there was silence and Nessa felt tension rise in the room. Eventually Luc said, ‘Of course, I’ll call him now and let him know you’re coming down.’

  So polite. So civil. So devastating. So over.

  Nessa turned and left the room and when she reached her own bathroom she couldn’t keep the nausea down any longer. She looked at herself in the mirror afterwards and saw how pale she was.

  It was time to get a grip on herself again and forget anything had happened between her and Luc. Do the race, win the money, pay off Paddy’s debt. That was her focus now. Nothing else.

  * * *

  Four days later Nessa was tired and aching all over from training so hard. François appeared at the door to Sur La Mer’s stall where Nessa was rubbing him down and trying hard not to let her mind deviate with humiliating predictability to Luc Barbier.

  She’d almost hoped that when she first sat on Sur La Mer, he’d throw her off. But he’d been a dream to ride and she’d connected with him immediately. François had been ecstatic.

  Luc hadn’t appeared once at the gallops to watch them train, but then one of the other jockeys had pointed to the CCTV cameras and told her that Luc often watched remotely from screens in his office.

  Nessa knew he was at the stables because he’d returned from Paris the day after she’d arrived. The thought that he was watching her progress but avoiding any more personal dealings with her slid through her ribs like a knife, straight to her heart.

  François was looking at her as if waiting for a response and Nessa blushed to have been caught out daydreaming. ‘I’m sorry, did you want me for something?’

  ‘It’s Luc—he wants to see you in his office. It’s in the main house on the first floor.’

  The roiling in her gut intensified. The ever-present nausea that never seemed to quit. Nessa dusted her hands off and patted Sur La Mer before following François back out, careful to lock the stall door behind her.

  He left her at the main door of the house and she went in, making her way up to Luc’s office. The door was closed and she took a deep breath, hating that she felt so jittery and on edge at the thought of seeing him again.

  She knocked lightly.

  ‘Come in.’

  She pushed the door open and Luc was standing behind his desk in jeans and a T-shirt. For a moment Nessa felt so dizzy and light-headed she thought she might faint. She clutched the doorknob like a lifeline.

  ‘You wanted to see me?’

  It was only then that she noticed he was on the phone. And he looked grim. He held the receiver towards her. ‘It’s Paddy.’

  For a second she just looked at him. Her brain felt sluggish. ‘Paddy...?’

  Now he looked impatient. ‘Your brother.’

  Nessa moved forward feeling as if she were under water. Weighed down. It was shock. She took the phone and Paddy’s familiar voice came down the line. ‘Ness? Are you there?’

  Luc moved away to the window.

  Nessa turned away to hide the tears blurring her vision to hear her brother’s familiar voice. ‘Paddy, where are you? What’s going on?’

  Her brother sounded happy. ‘Ness, it’s all been cleared up. Well, not the money, I’ll still owe Mr Barbier but he knows now it wasn’t my fault. He’s agreed to give me my job back and I’ll start paying him back out of my wages every month. I’m going to do a course in cyber security too so we can prevent this happening again. He told me you’re riding for him in a big race tomorrow—that’s fantastic news, Ness! Look, I’ve got to run. I’m catching a flight home tonight. I’ll call you when I get back and tell you everything. Love you, Ness.’

  And the phone connection went dead. It was all over, just like that.

  She looked at the phone for a long moment trying to gather herself and when she felt a bit more composed she turned around. Luc was standing in front of his window, arms folded. Nessa put the phone receiver back in the cradle.

  She forced herself to meet his gaze. ‘Can you tell me what’s going on?’

  He was still grim. ‘It was Gio Corretti who realised what was happening, because it happened to him with another horse. Someone had hacked into his computer system so they could impersonate Gio’s stud manager. They would then say something about a slight change in bank account details and the buyer would send the money to the hacker’s account. That’s what happened to Paddy. He’d suspected something, but by the time he’d figured out what had happened the money was gone and couldn’t be traced. Then he panicked.’

  Luc continued, ‘Shortly after speaking to Gio Corretti, my security firm tracked Paddy down to the United States. He was staying with your twin brother.’

  Nessa flushed with guilt.

  Luc continued, ‘I got in touch with Paddy to let him know he could come back. I told him never to do such a foolhardy thing like running away from a problem again.’

  Nessa could feel Luc’s barely leashed anger and almost felt sorry for her brother.

  Luc unfolded his arms then and ran a hand through his hair. Nessa realised it was messier than usual and he looked tired. Stubble lined his jaw. She felt a spurt of pain when she wondered if he’d already taken a replacement into his bed. Someone whose novelty wouldn’t wear off so quickly. Someone who knew the rules. Someone who didn’t want the fairy tale.

  He put his hands on his hips and looked at her. ‘Obviously you’re now free to go. I’d like you to run the race tomorrow on Sur La Mer but if you’d prefer not to, I will accept that. It’s only fair. You have no obligation to me any more.’

  Nessa blinked. She hadn’t considered that. She felt a little panicky. ‘But what about Paddy’s debt? He said he still has to pay that back.’

  ‘I told him the debt would be forgiven but he’s insisting on paying it back for having been lax enough to be taken in by the hackers. Nothing I said would make him change his mind.’

  Nessa’s heart squeezed. Luc had been prepared to let the debt go. One million euros.

  She made a decision, even though a part of her wanted nothing more than to turn around and walk away right now and go somewhere private where she could lick her wounds and try to get on with her life. She had to be professional about this and the race tomorrow was a huge opportunity for her.

  ‘I’ll run the race tomorrow. But if I win, or place, and there’s any prize money I’d still like it to go towards the debt.’

  ‘You wouldn’t take it for yourself?’

  Nessa shook her head. ‘No. I don’t want anything. I don’t need anything from you. Are we done here?’

  Every bone in Nessa’s body ached with the need to be closer to this man. Have him touch her. It was agony.

  Eventually Luc said, ‘Yes, we’re done.’

  Nessa turned and walked to the door, but at the last second he called her name. For a heart-stopping moment she thought she’d heard some inflection in his voice and she couldn’t control the surge of hope.

  But when she turned around he was expressionless. He said, ‘Wherever you go, or whatever you want to do in the future, you’ll have my endorsement. I would retain you as a jockey at my stables here or in Ireland but I don’t think you would welcome working for me.’

  The thought of working alongside Luc Barbier every da
y for years to come, and seeing him lead his life as the lone wolf that he was, taking and discarding women as he went, was unthinkable. And it just drove home how unaffected by her he was.

  She lifted her chin. ‘Frankly, after tomorrow, Luc, I hope I never see you again.’

  * * *

  The following day before the race, Nessa was sick with nerves. Literally. Her breakfast had just ended up in the toilet bowl of the ladies’ changing room at the racetrack. She cursed Luc Barbier as the source of all her ills and forced herself to just concentrate on getting through the race in one piece.

  She’d booked herself on a flight back to Dublin later that night. Soon this would all be behind her.

  She weighed out and made her way to the starting gate to line up with the rest of the horses and jockeys. She was oblivious to their curious looks. They were led into the stalls one by one. One horse started kicking and it took about three men to get him into position.

  As Nessa waited on Sur La Mer, feeling his restlessness underneath her, she pushed all thoughts of anything else but the task at hand out of her head.

  She took a deep breath. And then the gate snapped open and she unleashed the power of the horse beneath her.

  * * *

  As was becoming a familiar refrain, François said beside Luc, ‘I don’t believe it. She’s going to win, Luc.’

  An immense surge of pride and something much more tangled made Luc’s chest swell and grow tight.

  He watched as Nessa approached the last furlong, moving through the air like a comet. She looked tiny on the horse and something else moved through him, stark and unpleasant. Fear, for her safety.

  When she’d stood before him in his office the day before, it had taken all of his control not to drag her into his bedroom like a Neanderthal and strap her to his bed so she could never leave.

  He was going mad. She wasn’t out of his system. His system burned for her. But it was too late. This was it. She’d be gone within hours. I hope I never see you again.

  He’d ruthlessly contemplated seducing her again, but he knew he couldn’t do it. Much to his own surprise, it would appear he did have something of a conscience. Nessa wasn’t like the other women. She was strong, yes, but soft. Her eyes held nothing back. She might say she didn’t believe in fairy tales but he knew that, in spite of the obvious trauma of her mother’s death and its effect on their family, there was still something hopeful about her.

  She deserved someone who could nurture that hope. Never before had Luc been made so aware of his malfunctioning emotions.

  But, as much as he could tell himself that he was doing this to protect her, he had the insidious suspicion that it was also himself he was protecting. He wasn’t even sure from what, though.

  ‘Luc, look! She’s won!’

  Luc saw Nessa shoot past the post and the usual sense of achievement and triumph when one of his horses won was tinged with something darker. ‘Merde, Luc, that horse is out of control...’

  Luc went cold. He saw the other horses thundering over the line and spotted one that was riderless. It was going berserk. And it was heading straight for Nessa, who had slowed down and was turning around. Even from here Luc could see the huge smile on her face. A tendril of red hair falling from under her cap. Everyone was cheering.

  But it was as if he were stuck under water and everything happened in slow motion. He saw the riderless horse rear up in front of Sur La Mer. Another jockey, still on his horse, tried to calm that horse down, but Nessa somehow got stuck in the middle. Sur La Mer bucked. There was a blur of movement, a huge collective gasp from the crowd and Nessa was off the horse and lying on the ground. Underneath the three horses.

  Luc wasn’t even aware he’d vaulted over the fence. All he could see was a horrifying tangle of horseflesh, hooves, and Nessa inert underneath it all.

  The ambulance and paramedics were attending her by the time he got there and he only realised someone was holding him back when François’ voice broke through the pounding of blood in his head.

  ‘Luc! Leave them alone. They’re doing all they can. Sur La Mer is fine. Someone has him.’

  * * *

  ‘I’m afraid I can only give out information to family or loved ones, Mr Barbier.’

  Loved ones. That struck Luc forcibly, but he pushed down its significance. He was desperate to know if Nessa was all right and her family weren’t here. No, said a voice, because you took her away from them.

  Luc ignored the admonishing voice, and his growing sense of guilt. ‘I’m not just her employer. We’ve been lovers.’

  The doctor looked at him suspiciously for a moment but there must have been some expression on Luc’s face because then he said, ‘Very well. If you’re intimately acquainted, then there’s something you should know. Injury-wise, she was a very lucky young woman. She escaped from under those horses with just a badly bruised back. It could have been a lot worse.’

  Luc felt sick when he thought of how much worse it could have been, how vulnerable she’d looked.

  The doctor sighed heavily. ‘However, there was something else. I’m afraid we weren’t able to save the baby. She wasn’t even aware she was pregnant so I’m guessing it’s news to you too. It was very early—just a few weeks. There’s no way of saying for sure why the miscarriage happened; it could have been the shock and trauma, but equally it could have just been one of those things. Having said that, there’s no reason why she can’t get pregnant again and have a perfectly healthy baby.’

  * * *

  Luc stood outside the hospital a few minutes later, barely aware of the glances he was drawing. He was reeling. In shock. Pregnant. A baby.

  He couldn’t breathe with the knowledge that he’d almost had a family and in the same moment it was gone.

  He’d spent so long telling himself a family wasn’t for him that it was utterly shocking now to find himself feeling such an acute sense of...loss and grief.

  He’d only ever felt like this a couple of times in his life. When he’d found his mother’s dead body, and when Pierre Fortin had died. He’d vowed to himself he’d never let anyone close enough to hurt him again.

  But this caught him unawares, blindsiding him.

  The grief he felt for this tiny unborn child told him he’d been lying to himself for a long time. He’d blocked out the thought of children, not because of his own miserable upbringing, but because of the potential pain of losing someone again.

  He might have believed he’d crushed the dream of a family. But it had remained, like a little kernel inside him. Immune to his cynicism. Immune to his attempts to control his life by creating so much wealth and success that he would never feel at the mercy of his environment again.

  Family. Nessa had been pregnant with his child, and she’d almost died under those horses’ hooves. He felt clammy at the thought of how close she’d come to serious injury. She’d been pregnant with his child because of his lack of care in protecting them both. She was his family now, in spite of the loss of the baby.

  The doctor’s words came back: there’s no reason why she can’t get pregnant again.

  There, on the steps of the hospital, Luc was aware of his whole world view changing. The vision he’d always had for his life and legacy had been far too narrow. He could see that now.

  Everything had just changed in an instant and he knew there was only one way forward.

  * * *

  Nessa was one big throbbing ache that radiated out from her back and all over her body, but most acutely in her womb. The place where her baby had been. A baby she hadn’t even been aware of.

  It was a particularly cruel and unusual thing to be told you’re pregnant, and, in the same breath, that you’re not.

  How could she be feeling so much for something that had been so ephemeral? Because it was Luc’s. And because you do want the fairy tale. And because as soon as the doctor told you you’d been pregnant, you pictured a small child with dark hair. A child who would grow up secure and loved
and who would take all of that dark cynicism out of his eyes. A child who would take away the terror you’ve always felt at the thought of your world collapsing around you again...

  Nessa squeezed her eyes shut at the surge of emotion that gripped her. She felt a tear leak out. But before she could wipe it away there was the sound of the door, and her heart clenched because she knew instantly who it was.

  ‘Nessa.’

  She quickly dashed the tear away, keeping her face turned towards the window. When she felt slightly more composed she opened her eyes and turned her head. And she knew straight away that he knew. The doctor had told him.

  His suit was crumpled, tie undone, shirt open at the top. He came in and stood near the bed, eyes so dark that Nessa felt as if she might drown in them.

  ‘I didn’t know about the baby,’ she said, hating the defensive tone in her voice.

  ‘I know.’

  The emotional turmoil of the past few hours and weeks and Luc’s inscrutability made Nessa lash out. ‘Do you? Are you sure I didn’t do it on purpose to try and trap you?’

  Something fleeting and pained crossed Luc’s face but Nessa felt no triumph to have pierced that impenetrable wall. ‘Once,’ he admitted, ‘I might have suspected such a thing but I know you now.’

  He did. She’d let him right into the heart of her. And she resisted that now even though it was far too late. ‘No, you don’t. Not really. You have no idea what I want.’

  Luc sat down on a chair near the head of the bed and sat forward. Suddenly he was too close.

  ‘What do you want, Nessa?’

  You, came the automatic response. She looked away from that hard-boned face. ‘I want you to leave, Luc. My brother is coming from Dublin to help take me home first thing tomorrow.’

  She heard a curse and movement and the bed dipped as Luc sat down. Nessa couldn’t move without extreme pain so she was trapped. She glared at him, seizing on as much anger and pain as she could to protect herself.