One Hand Jerking

by Paul Krassner

  In a list of upcoming features for the anniversary issue, I included “The Rise of Sirhan Sirhan in the Scientology Hierarchy.” Then I began do my research. I even developed a source (Deep E-Meter) within the Scientology organization. The goal of Scientology was to become a Clear—that is, a complete zombie—moving up to higher and higher levels by means of auditing sessions with an E-Meter, essentially a lie detector. John Godwin wrote in Occult America that the E-Meter “made lying difficult for the impressionable.”

  I decided to try one at the San Francisco Center. The stares of the Scientology practitioners seemed to be tactical, their smiles unfelt. In confronting their guilts and fears through the medium of a machine, they had become machine-like themselves, and they responded like automatons. I took hold of the E-Meter’s tin cans, one in each hand.

  “Wow,” I said, “I just felt a surge of energy go pulsating through me.”

  “Paul,” my auditor replied, “they’re not even attached yet.”

  “Well, such is the power of auto-suggestion.”

  There was no charge for the personality test by which prospective Scientologists screened themselves into “the world of the totally free.” It consisted of 200 questions on topics ranging from fingernail-biting to jealousy.

  In World Medicine, David Delvin reported that when his answers were processed, he was told, “You’ve got quite a bit of agitation and you’re moderately dispersed, but we can help you to standard tech. . . . So, you see, it’s all very scientific—thanks to the fact that our founder is a man of science himself.”

  Dr. Delvin confessed, “I hadn’t the heart to tell him that his super-scientific system had failed to detect the fact that I had marked the ‘Don’t know’ column against all 200 questions in the test.”

  Founder L. Ron Hubbard’s original thesis in his book Dianetics (which became a bestseller because Scientologists had infiltrated the New York Times and learned which bookstores the Times based its list on) was that traumatic shock occurs not only during early childhood, but also during the pre-natal stage.

  In Neurotica magazine, G. Legman took off on that concept with his own cult, Epizootics, “demonstrating the basic cause of all neurosis in father’s tight-fitting jockstrap.”

  Not to be outdone by parody, Hubbard in 1952 turned Dianetics into Scientology, which traced trauma back to previous lives—not necessarily incarnations that were spent on this planet, either. In fact, Scientologists were forbidden to see the movie 2001 in order to avoid “heavy and unnecessary restimulation.”

  By what? When Hal the computer says, “Unclear”?

  In 1955, Hubbard incorporated Scientology as a religion, based in Washington, D.C. This would enable its ministers to gain entry into hospitals and prisons, not to mention getting tax exemption. He issued the Professional Auditors Bulletin, a handbook for luring prospects into the Scientology fold.

  One example was the “illness research” method, taking out a newspaper ad, such as: “Polio victims—a charitable organization investigating polio desires to examine several victims of the after-effects of this illness. Phone [telephone number].” Hubbard explained, “The interesting hooker in this ad is that anyone suffering from a lasting illness is suffering from it so as to attract attention and bring about an examination of it. These people will go on being examined endlessly.”

  Another example, under the subhead “Exploiting,” was the “casualty contact” method, “requiring little capital and being highly ambulatory.” All it needed was “good filing and a good personal appearance.” Hubbard elaborated:

  “Every day in the daily papers, one discovers people who have been victimized one way or the other by life. One takes every daily paper he can get his hands on and cuts from it every story whereby he might have a pre-Clear. As speedily as possible, he makes a personal call on the bereaved or injured person. He should represent himself to the person or the person’s family as a minister whose compassion was compelled by the newspaper story concerning the person. The goal is to move the customer from group processing to individual attention at a fee.”

  In 1962, Hubbard wrote to President John F. Kennedy, claiming that his letter was as important as the one Albert Einstein had sent to President Franklin D. Roosevelt about the atomic bomb. Hubbard insisted that “Scientology is very easy for the government to put into effect,” and that “Scientology could decide the space race or the next war in the hands of America.” Kennedy didn’t respond—the bloody fool, daring not to answer a question he hadn’t even been asked.

  The E-Meter was presented as a panacea that could cure such “psychosomatic” problems as arthritis, cancer, polio, ulcers, the common cold, and atomic radiation burns. In October 1962, the Food and Drug Administration was investigating Scientology, so Hubbard wrote that the E-Meter is “a valid religious instrument, used in Confessionals, and is in no way diagnostic and does not treat.” Nevertheless, in January 1963, the FDA raided Scientology headquarters, seizing 100 E-Meters. Scientology claimed that this violated their freedom of religion, and Hubbard wrote to President Kennedy again. He wanted to meet with him so that they could “come to some amicable answers on religious matters.” Again, no response.

  Then Hubbard wrote to Attorney General Robert Kennedy, “even though you are of a different faith,” asking for protection of the Scientology religion. Bobby didn’t respond, either. And there it was—my satirical angle—Hubbard’s motivation for programming Sirhan Sirhan to kill Bobby Kennedy would be revenge. Hmmmmm. Had I accidentally stumbled into a real conspiracy when I thought I was merely making one up?

  In Scientology, Kennedy could have been declared an “Enemy,” subject to “Fair Game,” a penalty described in a Hubbard Policy Letter whereby an Enemy “[m]ay be deprived of property or injured by any means by any Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed.”

  In October 1968, four months after the assassination of Senator Kennedy, Fair Game was “repealed,” due to adverse publicity. “The practice of declaring people Fair Game will cease,” Hubbard stated in a Policy Letter. “Fair Game may not appear on any Ethics Order. It causes bad public relations.”

  While Sirhan Sirhan found himself awaiting trial, he was given several psychological tests. In one of these, he couldn’t provide a simple yes-or-no response to only two specific statements: “At one or more times in my life, I felt that someone was making me do things by hypnotizing me.” And, “Someone has been trying to influence my mind.”

  During the trial, psychiatrist Bernard Diamond used post-hypnotic suggestion to program Sirhan into climbing the bars of his cell. But there were two different accounts of that experiment.

  In Psychology Today, Dr. Diamond stated: “He went over toward the guards and climbed the bars like a monkey. I asked him why. He answered in that cool way he affected, ‘I am getting exercise.’ Then I played the tape to prove to him that he had been under hypnosis to do just that. But he denied it and complained that I was bugging him.”

  However, in his book RFK Must Die, Robert Kaiser—who was also there—wrote: “Sirhan had no idea what he was doing up on the top of the bars. When he finally discovered that climbing was not his own idea, but Dr. Diamond’s, he was struck with the plausibility of the idea that perhaps he had been programmed by someone else, in like manner, to kill Kennedy. . . .”

  When Scientology was kicked out of Australia, the official inquiry concluded: “It is only in name that there is any difference between authoritative hypnosis and most of the techniques of Scientology. Many Scientology techniques are in fact hypnosis techniques, and Hubbard has not changed their nature by changing their names.”

  At a Scientology meeting in Chicago, someone asked, “I understand that Scientology has been banned in England and Australia. Why was this done?” The reply: “Cool! I’m glad you asked that. You see, the kind of person who attacks Scientology is frightened of anything that offers real enlightenment to mankind. In Australia, the man who attacked Scientology was a so-call
ed psychiatrist who was performing lobotomies with ice picks.”

  Even L. Ron Hubbard admitted the need for a “canceller,” which was a contract with a patient stating that whatever the auditor said would not be literally interpreted by the patient or used in any way. So, immediately before patients were permitted to open their eyes at the end of a session, they were supposed to be told, “In the future, when I utter the word Cancelled, everything which I have said to you while you are in a therapy session will be cancelled and will have no force with you. Any suggestion I have made to you will be without force when I say the word Cancelled. Do you understand?”

  When the word was used, it was not further amplified. Just that single word, Cancelled, would be uttered. Hubbard warned, “The canceller is vital. It prevents accidental positive suggestion. The patient may be suggestible or even in a permanent light hypnotic trance.” Moreover, in his book The Job, William S. Burroughs stated: “Hubbard has refused to publish his advanced discoveries. There is every indication that the discoveries of Scientology are being used by the CIA and other official agencies.”

  Ironically, using the Freedom of Information Act, Scientology obtained secret CIA documents which proposed mind-control experiments where hypnotized subjects would have an uncontrollable impulse to “commit a nuisance” on Groundhog Day on the steps of City Hall, in order to find out whether an unwilling subject could be quickly hypnotized, then be made to undergo amnesia by “durable and useful post-hypnotic suggestion.” The CIA also collaborated with the U.S. Army’s “special operations division” in bacteriological and chemical “open air” tests in the streets and subway tunnels of New York City.

  My ultimate fictional connection between Sirhan and Scientology was inadvertently suggested by Burroughs in Evergreen magazine: “Take a black militant and put him on the E-Meter. Tell him to mock up a nigger-killing Southern sheriff chuckling over the notches in his gun. The needle falls off the dial. He mocks up the sheriff again. The needle falls off the dial. Again, again, again, for two hours if need be. No matter how long it takes, the time will come when he mocks up the sheriff and there is no read on the E-Meter.

  “He is looking at this creature calmly with slow heartbeat and normal blood pressure and seeing it for what it is. He has as-ised [Sheriff] Big Jim Clark. Asis ing does not mean acceptance, submission, or resignation. On the contrary, when he can look at Big Jim with no reaction, he is infinitely better equipped to deal with the external manifestation, as a calm man fights better than an angry one. If you can’t bring yourself to see the target, you can’t hit it. When the needle reads off you are off target.”

  I began to work on “The Rise of Sirhan Sirhan in the Scientology Hierarchy,” based on the actual case history of a friend who had been on the crew of Hubbard’s Sea Org, a paramilitary fleet of ships. Crew members wore maritime uniforms and had to sign an unusual contract:

  “I do hereby agree to enter into employment wth the Sea Organization and, being of sound mind, do fully realize and agree to abide by its purpose, which is to get Ethics in on this Planet and the Universe and, fully and without reservation, subscribe to the discipline, mores and conditions of this group and pledge to abide by them. Therefore, I contract myself to the Sea Organization for the next billion years.”

  Give or take a few centuries. Anyway, my friend decided to leave Scientology, but he had surrendered his passport and, remaining true to his experience but simply changing his name, I wrote:

  “When Sirhan tried to get his passport back, he was required to stand in a corner, handcuffed, not allowed to speak to anyone, and given food only on someone’s whim. Sirhan finally recanted, admitted that he didn’t really want his passport returned, and he was forgiven. Hubbard apparently didn’t bother to check the weather before pushing off. The ship sailed into a storm. Sirhan was at the helm. He couldn’t stay on course, and Hubbard yelled at him. Sirhan shouted back—‘Here, take the fuckin’ wheel yourself!’—and he walked away. Hubbard threw a temper tantrum and began to cry.

  “Sirhan was nervous. He was afraid he would be declared a ‘Suppressive Person,’ with whom no Scientologists were allowed to associate. He could be ‘restrained or imprisoned.’ Moreover, the ‘homes, properties, places and abodes of Suppressives are all beyond any protection.’ When Sirhan considered how he had acted toward Hubbard, he realized that he might even be guilty of Treason: ‘May be turned over to civil authorities. Full background to be explored for purposes of prosecution.’

  “But Sirhan was declared guilty neither of being a Suppressive Person nor of Treason. Rather, for punishment, he was forbidden to bathe or brush his teeth for the entire two-month cruise. When he got caught using soap and toothpaste, he was transferred to another job in London. He spent seven days a week, from 7 a.m. to midnight, at a salary of ten pounds per week, dictating 200 letters a day, urging dropouts to re-enroll in Scientology. Like all Scientologists, he received periodic security checks while he was working his way through the advanced courses. These were conducted by an Ethics Officer with an E-Meter. There were 150 questions. Here are some samples:

  “Have you ever mistrusted your E-Meter? Do you think selling auditing is really a swindle? Have you ever written, then destroyed critical messages to L. Ron Hubbard? Have you ever had any unkind thoughts about L. Ron Hubbard? Have you ever had sex with any other student or staff member? Have you ever used Dianetics or Scientology to force sex on someone? Have you ever raped anyone? Have you ever been raped? Have you ever been involved in an abortion? Do you have any bastards? Have you ever been sexually unfaithful?

  “Have you ever practiced homosexuality? Have you ever practiced sodomy? Have you ever had intercourse with a member of your family? Have you practiced sex with children? Have you ever used hypnotism to practice sex with children? Have you ever practiced cannibalism? Have you ever slept with a member of a race of another color? Have you ever practiced sex with animals? Have you ever killed or crippled animals for pleasure? Have you ever had anything to do with pornography? Have you ever masturbated?

  “Have you ever lived or worked under an assumed name? Have you ever been a newspaper reporter? Have you ever blackmailed anybody? Have you ever been blackmailed? Have you ever embezzled money? Have you ever forged a signature, check or document? Have you ever hit and run with a car? Have you ever murdered anyone? Have you ever hidden a body? Have you ever attempted suicide? Have you ever peddled dope? Have you ever been in prison? Do you think there’s anything wrong with invading a pre-Clear’s privacy? Have you permitted a pre-Clear to have secrets from you?

  “Have you ever used hypnotism to procure sex or money? Have you ever been a prostitute? Have you ever taken money for giving anyone sexual intercourse? Have you ever had anything to do with Communism or been a Communist? Are you in communication with someone who understands more about Scientology than does L. Ron Hubbard? Do you know of any secret plans against Scientology? Have you ever coughed during Scientology lectures? Have you ever done anything your mother would be ashamed to find out? Do you have a secret you’re afraid I’ll find out? What unkind thoughts have you thought while I was doing this check?

  “And—Sirhan’s favorite—‘Have you ever tried to act normal?’

  “All that information could certainly be utilized as a source of blackmail. Hubbard had based Scientology’s secret file system on that used by Nazi spy chief Richard Gehlen. The Ethics exam includes the following disclaimer which an auditor is supposed to read aloud:

  “‘While we cannot guarantee you that matters revealed in this check will be held forever secret, we can promise you faithfully that no part of it nor any answer you make here will be given to the police or state. No Scientologist will ever bear witness against you in court by reason of answers to this security check.’

  “However, one auditor swears that he has often seen pre-Clears’ files with information circled, along with notations like, ‘We can use this.’ Indeed, one man had confessed to skimming $25,000 a year from his bu
siness, but when he attempted to quit Scientology and get back $40,000 worth of future auditing he’d signed for after getting little sleep for four days, he was told that if he pursued his claim, they would reveal his tax-cheating to the Internal Revenue Service.

  “Nevertheless, Sirhan wrote to a friend, ‘Scientology works.’ He was back with the Sea Org. ‘I was put through some processes called Power and the darn things helped me get rid of so much tension, so much unreality, that I am still gaining from it. The funny thing is that I don’t know why it is helping, and I guess that the more I study, the more I will find out about this technology that gets results. I am a month away from reaching the Clear level, and there are now six levels above that, and two more to come after that.

  “‘It is all so incredible, but I am finding out who I am, where I fit in, what a group is, and most of all that I can go through something very, very difficult without running away or leaving it. I am on to something that will make me me and that is what I have always wanted. But I am not the master of my fate any longer until I’m out of this scene, which is getting more cloak and dagger every day. I am growing through the restrictions I and this ship have placed on me.’

  “Scientology’s secret files held an awful lot of extremely intimate details about Sirhan’s life, things he had admitted over the years in order to get ‘a clean needle’ reading on the E-Meter, and they could certainly get people to do all sorts of things for fear of being exposed, but he wasn’t concerned about that. . . .”

  Then, in the course of my research, a strange thing happened. I learned of the actual involvement of Charles Manson with Scientology. In fact, there had been an E-Meter at the Spahn Ranch where his “family” stayed. Suddenly, I no longer had any reason to use Sirhan Sirhan as my protagonist. Reality will transcend allegory every time.