When the sun returned and the grass grew back, those who had survived slowly allowed their wounds to heal, but there was a numbness inside all of us—protection from feeling the pain of the memories that would last a lifetime.
To forget and move on as if it never happened was the only way to survive. I tried to convince myself that I hadn't lived through the most demoralizing and destructive five years this world has ever seen.
I moved to America, leaving the enemy behind. I lived on, shielding myself from the memories. I lived up to society's moral standards and expectations by getting married and having children. I cooked, cleaned, and supported those I love. Then, over time, my past became a part of the earth like the bones and ashes in that far away land.
There is one exception, though, and it's the part of me I have only pretended to forget—my secret. In fact, some would consider what I did to be as wrong, and equally horrendous, as what the heartless ones did to my whole race.
In my heart, I will never consider that it was wrong, and I will stand by my actions and beliefs because the heart wants what the heart wants. Sometimes, even the toughest warriors who survive the odds and somehow escape the shadows of death, can still fall helpless and weak at the mercy of love.
CHAPTER ONE - EMMA
Great, I'm going to be late again. I glance over at the clock on my car radio, feeling anxiety set in as I wait for my phone to ring. I don't understand how I can be expected to predict the exact moment I will arrive somewhere. Mom thinks that because I work for myself, I make my own hours, but that’s not the case. I have a job and deadlines to meet, but Mom clocks in and out of her beloved receptionist position at the town hall, so her lunch hour is the same every day. Even though mine doesn't always match up, I try my hardest to be punctual, but I can't foresee my daily schedule and traffic.
I fly into the parking lot of Panera and see Mom standing in front of the entrance, her hip cocked to one side, an annoyed grimace covering her face, and her fingers frantically searching for buttons on her phone.
Not-so-shockingly, my phone rings five-seconds later, just as I put the Jeep into park. If she weren't busy calling me, she would see that I pulled into the parking lot a minute ago.
I decide to ignore the call as I walk toward her, watching her talking to herself. I'm assuming my voicemail is picking up right about now, and as soon I step foot onto the curb, five feet from where she's standing, she'll begin her, "Emma, where are you?" message. "You're two minutes late, and I'm worried something may have happened. Please call me as soon as you get this."
"I'm right here, Mom," I tell her, smiling in hopes of erasing the angry look on her face.
"Oh," she says. "I was looking for you. You know lunch is at one."
"I was working with a client, Mom, and I'm only two minutes late," I remind her. I give her a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek before taking the few steps over to the door.
"I'm sorry, I'm just having a bad day," she says.
My heart sinks for a moment, going through the list of things that could be wrong for her to have the despondent expression I see tugging at her face. "What happened?"
"Nothing actually happened," she begins.
"Is Grams okay?" I ask. Ever since Grandpa passed away ten years ago, we have been taking turns checking up on her since she refuses to be "taken" from her house and "placed" in an assisted-living environment, or a morgue as she calls it.
"Yes, she is fine but just angry today, I guess."
"Why?"
Mom places her hand over her eyes and shakes her head. "I don't know, Emma. She's getting those palpitations in her chest again, and she's sure she's going to die today." Mom tends to be overdramatic at times, but Grams doesn't typically throw around the topic of death, so I can see why she is concerned.
"I'll go check on her after lunch, and I'll let you know when I find out she’s okay. That will put your mind at ease."
Acting as if I didn't say a word, Mom opens the door to Panera and walks inside. I totally understand that she can't handle the idea of Grams not being around, and I feel the same, but she's making herself sick with worry every day.
Mom silently takes her place at the back of the line, squinting her eyes at the menu before pulling her glasses out of her purse. "You always order the grilled chicken sandwich. Are you getting something new today?" I ask her.
"No, I'm just looking to see if they've added anything new to the menu."
"I don't think they have since last week," I tell her, trying to save her the time of scrutinizing each column. She removes her glasses, then slips them back into her bag and looks around at the few people waiting in line to order. "Emma," she whispers, "do you see him over there?" She's pointing toward the front of the line at a man working the register. Therefore, he must be single and available…unlike me, who is in a relationship. She'd like to pretend otherwise, however.
"No," I tell her. "Don't."
"He's cute, though," she says with a grin. I'm glad she's feeling better now, but it is at my expense.
"Please, stop it, Mom," I mutter without hiding my aggravation.
"I want grandchildren," she responds in a singsong voice.
"I'm only thirty-one," I argue. "I have plenty of time."
"I don’t want you to wait as long as I did, Emma. I feel like an old hen around you and I don’t like it. Plus, whether you like it or not, your clock is ticking, and you’re with the wrong man," she feels the need to add in.
"Do you really think I should get involved with a cashier at a fast food restaurant? I’m a career woman with some long-term goals, and memorizing the value meal numbers isn't one of them."
This is how lunch goes whenever I meet her during the week. I love Mom to death, and I enjoy spending the time with her, but we don't see eye-to-eye on my love life, my career, my lifestyle, or diet. As a matter of fact, sometimes I kind of feel like I'm on a different planet than she's on. "Mom, don't worry about me so much, okay? I'll figure things out."
"I'm always going to worry about you, Emma. You're my daughter. You're not happy, and it's obvious."
"I am happy," I lie, forcing a smile to try and end the conversation, but no one knows me better than she does. I'm like an open book to her.
"You're not living life to its fullest," she argues.
"Mom, Dad left you fifteen years ago, and you've been living alone ever since. How is that happiness? Are you living life to its fullest?"
"You are my happiness, Emma."
Sometimes the guilt is overwhelming, and I think she knows it.
The moment I slip back into my car, my phone buzzes in my bag, and I silently curse. Between work calls, Mom's calls, and Mike's calls, which have increased to an irritatingly excessive level as of late, I rarely have a moment to breathe. I pull out my phone and see Mike’s name on the display. I do not want to talk to him right now, but the calls will continue until I pick up, so I exhale heavily and answer.
"Hi," I say cordially, as I pull out of the parking lot.
"Do you have a minute?" he asks, then clears his throat. That’s what he does when he’s nervous about something.
"Sure," I tell him, though I don't want to hear what he plans to say. Sorry doesn't work for me anymore, and I'm worn out from the endless arguments.
"Em, I'm sorry for what I said last night," he begins, sounding nearly robotic, or like he’s on auto-repeat. I’ve heard the same spiel a million times now.
"Okay," I reply.
"What's going on with us?" he asks? The remorse in his voice deliberate, verging on the line of fake. Things are never about us, they’re about him.
"I don't think this is an issue between us, Mike."
"Why is it always me?" As usual, he immediately initiates an argument. What else could I possibly want to do at two in the afternoon during my lunch break?
"I wasn't the one who came home in a drunken rage last night," I remind him.
He grunts indignantly and says, "I wasn't drunk."
/> "I could smell the whiskey from across the room, Mike. Why do you lie about it? I've been very understanding of you going out several nights a week with your friends, even when you come home smelling like weed and perfume. I keep telling myself that you're just a little immature and you'll grow up eventually, but we’re in our thirties and I’m getting tired of waiting." My life consists of hopping from one Starbucks to another while seeking work-day scenery changes, meeting Mom for lunch, and checking on Grams, while I dread going home each night to the small, desolate house I share with Mike. "On top of that, the house is always a disaster with your socks tossed in every corner, dirty underwear and towels in the entryway of the hall bathroom, and empty pizza boxes stacked up on top of the full trash can—all strategically placed so I have something to clean when I get home at night." How can I see myself living like that forever?
"So, what, we’re breaking up for the fourth time this month?" he asks as if it doesn’t faze him. It doesn’t mean anything to Mike because I haven’t been able to keep my word when I tell him we’re done. The worst part is, he’s told me so many times before that I don't have the "balls" to leave him, reminding me I have nowhere to go and that being a freelance designer doesn’t offer me a dependable salary.
"I don't know if I can be with you," I tell him honestly. I don't love him like I thought I once did, and despite having to admit that Mom might be right, this isn't the life I want.
My current state of calmness is unusual for how I typically come off during one of our arguments, because I'm passionate about what I believe in, so I become overheated easily, but now, I feel nothing. "Fine, then move out. I don't care," he tells me.
That should have hurt me, but I still feel nothing. I don't know what to say, but I know this is the closest I've come to walking away from Mike. I just need to keep going without looking back this time. "I'll come get my stuff tonight," I tell him.
"Whatever," he says. "You'll be back tomorrow, telling me how much you love and need me. We've been through this crap a million times, Emma."
I pull into Grams's driveway knowing that I need to end this conversation with Mike before I go inside. Her feelings on Mike mimic Mom’s thoughts. "Are you going to be home tonight?" I ask him with a tone of finality to rush this along.
"I had plans to go out with the guys. Devin is leaving for a month sabbatical tomorrow, so we're having drinks."
"Okay then, I'll probably be gone by the time you get home."
"Right," he snickers. "You'll be asleep in my bed. This drama is unnecessary, Emma, so just stop. I have to get back to work now that I've wasted my entire lunch break listening to your empty threats."
You’re the one who called me; I want to tell him. "Okay," I calmly say again. "Have a good day?" I hang up the phone and wish I could erase Mike from my life as easily as I could delete him from my phone contacts. Whatever the case, I need to remove that man from my thoughts for a bit so I can put on a smile for Grams. She can always tell something is wrong by the way I blink.
I let myself into her house, finding her leaning against an end table in her living room. "Grams, what's wrong?" I ask.
She appears startled as she jumps and clutches at the collar of her blouse. "Emma," she huffs. "I wasn’t expecting you."
I look past her, toward the microwave. "It's two fifteen on the dot," I say. It's the same time I come by most days. Mom checks in on her in the morning before she goes to work, I usually check on her midday, and Aunt Annie checks on her just before dinner time. Thankfully, we all live in a close vicinity.
"Oh, right, right…sorry," she says.
"It's okay," I tell her as I gently place my hand on her shoulder and guide her into the family room. "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," she says, the word vibrating against the hollow of her throat.
"Are you in pain? What's going on?" I ask, immediately filled with concern, but I already know about the palpitations she was getting earlier.
"I think I'm going to die today," she says, sounding helpless.
"No, you're not," I say as I help her take a seat.
Grams sits carefully, sinking into the plushness of her worn heather gray recliner. "I'm ninety-two, Emma. It's seventy-four years longer than I expected to live."
I take a seat on the arm of the chair and rest my head on her frail shoulder. "Why are you talking like this?" I ask.
With an exhausted sigh and a slight shake of her head, she replies, "I don't know." Her hand drops to her lap, and her eyes go wide as if she's staring through a wall across the room, or staring at a ghost. "It's just the truth. I shouldn't be here." I'm very confused by what she’s saying, and I wish Grams would explain herself a bit more. "My heart aches. My hands are shaky and my voice always quakes, but I know I’m not ready for the end."
I spring to my feet. "I'll call 9-1-1, then your doctor. Did you take a baby aspirin this morning?"
"No," she snaps before tugging at my arm so I'll sit back down. "It hurts inside. I’m scared."
"I don't understand what you're talking about?" She doesn't speak this way. She’s strong and brave, never afraid.
"It has been more than seventy-four years," she says again.
"Since what?" I ask.
"It isn't important," she says as she presses her head into the indentation she has made on her chair over the years. Her eyelids close, and she places her soft hand on mine. "Emma, you will always be my sweetheart. You know that, right?"
"Grams," I shout, startled. I press my hands into her shoulders and shake her. "Grams!"
No, no, no! I run to grab my phone, trembling as I dial 9-1-1, and the world freezes in time as I wait what seems like an eternity before my call is connected.
CHAPTER TWO - EMMA
Minutes have turned into hours as Mom, Aunt Annie, and I sit in the waiting room, panicking with anticipation. How did she know something bad was going to happen today? We don't even know if Grams is alive, and the feeling of the unknown is making us sick to our stomachs, which is evident since there are no words exchanged between us.
"She was acting kind of strange right before it happened," I mutter while plucking a loose thread off my torn jeans.
"Like how?" Mom asks.
"I don't know. She was talking about it being more than seventy-four years for something. She seemed confused."
"Seventy-four years?" Annie repeats.
I place my phone down on the little wooden table in front of us, annoyed by the constant vibrating messages from Facebook, incoming calls, and work emails.
"Who is sending you so many messages?" Mom asks.
"I don’t know," I mumble against my fist.
"Well, can you tell them you're busy with a family emergency?"
Rather than doing that, I lean forward to shut the phone off completely, but of course, Mike must call at the exact second I'm pressing the power button.
I pick up the phone since I've already somehow pressed the answer button. "What?"
"Really? We're there now?" he asks with exasperation like he’s the one I should be concerned about right now.
"Mike, I don't have time right this second. Grams passed out—we’re at the hospital. We don't know what’s going on. It's just not a good time. We’ll talk later."
"Oh, shit, Emma, I’m so sorry," he says. "Which hospital are you at?"
"Mass General," I say. Not like it matters to him.
"I’ll be right down."
"Mike, no, its fine—" He disconnects the call. It is neither the place nor the time to try and reconcile our problems. I’m sure he has an apology floating around in that empty head of his, and he thinks he’ll catch me in a moment of weakness with Grams being ill, but I don't want to hear it today.
"Don't tell me he’s coming down here?" Mom groans.
"What was I supposed to do? He hung up on me."
"Well, call him back and tell him no. It’s family only."
She's right, and I go to call him back, but just as I find his number, a
doctor opens the door to the tiny waiting room we’re occupying. We all stand as if waiting to be sentenced in a courtroom. "Doctor, what's going on?" I ask.
The doctor is young, maybe fresh out of residency, but I already appreciate his bedside manner, seeing the reassuring smile on his face. "Amelia is going to be just fine," he says.
Without thought, we all lunge at him and wrap our arms around his neck. "Oh my gosh, thank you so much," I tell him. Out of the three of us, I'm probably the only one who can speak since Mom and Annie are crying. "So, what was it?"
We peel ourselves away from the poor man, and he pulls up a chair as the four of us take a seat. The doctor has kind eyes—a look that emanates ease and comfort. His smile is sort of charming, and it’s clear he knows how to handle a roomful of teary eyes. "First, I'm Doctor Beck." He places his hand on his chest before leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "I’ve been the one taking care of your mother—grandmother," he says, looking between Mom and Annie, then me. "Amelia did have a mild stroke, but we were able to dissolve the clot with a special drug meant specifically for these situations. Fortunately, we were able to prevent the stroke from progressing and doing more damage."
"But you just said she was okay?" I question.
"What's the damage?" Mom finally asks.
Dr. Beck sits up and leans back against his chair, maintaining a level of comfort, which keeps us calm. "As of right now, there doesn't appear to be any physical damage other than a very slight weakness in her left arm and leg, but she does seem a bit confused, which is normal after a stroke."
Annie is breathing heavily, losing herself in thought like she often does. I know her well enough to assume she’s going through the long list of "what ifs" in her head. "Will the confusion subside?" she asks.
"In most situations, it resolves itself with time. In my experience, I’ve seen mild cases of memory loss or delusion, but with cognitive therapy, it's something that can improve." Dr. Beck folds his hands on his lap as he continues to explain everything to us in a way we understand. "To be honest, though, we should be focused on the fact that this could have been much worse, and since you acted so quickly, she has minimal damage." Mom and Annie place their hands on my back, silently thanking me for being there when this happened. It was just luck, though. I hate to think what could have happened if I wasn’t there.
Darkest Perception_A Dark and Mind-Blowing Steamy Romance Page 24
