The peace I so desperately wanted seemed even further away now. My chest rises and falls against the scratchy fabric. Wait.
How the fuck can I feel anything, but I can’t open my god damned eyes?
“Reid please baby. Open your eyes” I feel a light touch on my arm, my senses suddenly kicking in.
I’m alive?
I try to move but I don’t feel like I’m achieving anything, my limbs staying firmly where they are.
“Reid. Calm down. I’m here baby” Luna’s sweet voice washes into my veins, forcing calm into my beating heart. Warm fingers wrap around my freezing hand and I squeeze, holding on for dear life.
“It’s okay. I’m here. You had a fall baby. You had me so damned worried” she grits as something wet hits my cheek. Guilt. Fuck the guilt rips through me so forcefully that my eyelids feel like they’re ripping apart.
They won’t open, no matter how damned hard I try, they won’t fucking open. I panic, my fingers trembling, my chest heaving and the sudden loud beeping screaming in my ear has me going into full panic mode.
It’s as if life is playing a damned cruel joke on me and I’m the one lying on the morgue slab with Luna crying over me. Just like I did with her in my dream. Like I did with Aurora for real.
“It’s okay Reid. Calm down” her sweet voice sounds distant, her warm hand suddenly gone and my brain turning foggy. The sharp scratch of something hitting my hand makes me wince, but my small cry of discomfort is silent.
I craved her touch, her reassurance that everything was going to be okay. Fear spilt into my blood stream, the same dreaded feeling I’d felt all those years ago when I had no one to tell me it was going to be okay.
I had no idea what I supposed to be doing. Somehow this morning I’d trudged into my wardrobe and pulled out the same black suit I’d worn to prom. It was the only suit I owned, one I never thought I’d wear again but Aurora had insisted I keep as a memory of our night together. I don’t think she had planned on me wearing it to her funeral.
The house was eerily quiet. No sounds came from the kitchen of ma or pa preparing breakfast, no whir of the coffee machine or the clang of dishes on the solid wood countertop. Just the loud creak of the old floorboards beneath my shiny shoes that the old lady next door had polished up right nice for me yesterday as I walk down the stairs. It was carpeted when I was younger, I remember Ma saying something about it being a health hazard having jagged wood edges around with me toddling about, but they’d since ripped it up to take the old place back to its former glory. Whatever that was. Right now, it was an empty shell. Four walls filled with memories that would never return. Pictures that meant nothing but pain today, walls that could tell a million different stories but decided to stay silent when I most needed them.
The city was bleak, the same way it had been for most of the past few weeks. Thunder rumbled somewhere over the skyscrapers in the distance, but I kept my eyes on my feet. Concentrating on putting one step in front of the other, walking to bury my girlfriend and my baby. My parents were cremated two days ago in a private ceremony that seen majority of the city in attendance. Neighbors and old friends, colleagues and acquaintances I’d never met before shook my hand and told me how sorry they were for my loss. Were they here now? Fuck no. People didn’t want to involve themselves in shit that didn’t concern them. I’d learnt that in the two weeks since the car accident.
I hadn’t planned this funeral; Aurora’s parents had taken over after I’d broken down beside the white casket I’d picked out for her. My beautiful, pure girl deserved nothing less than a brilliant white coffin to fall asleep eternally inside. I made sure it had all the trimmings, the comfy interior, silk lined and whatnot. Right now, walking down the sidewalk, my shiny shoes getting more and more scuffed the harder I pounded my feet into the ground my entire future was about to be buried under, small droplets of rain started to smack at my lapels and I wondered why the fuck a perfect coffin mattered anyway. My dark mop of hair started to fall across my eyes, the top half I’d keep longer than the sides was longer than usual owing to not having my usual cut every couple of weeks.
Aurora was to be buried at the decision of her parents so the entire decision-making process on my part had been futile. By the time I made it to the Church the sky was pouring, and I was soaked to the bone. I didn’t have any other choice, I was sixteen I had a moped I couldn’t afford the fuel to put in, I hadn’t turned up for work since I’d gotten that phone-call. I didn’t have parents to fall back on for a little cash. I had nothing.
The last thing I knew I had everything a man could ever wish for. I was approaching my seventeenth birthday, I’d be able to get my license for real and take Aurora on the millions of dates she deserved. My parents were happy as usual, their sickening shows of affection still turned my stomach. As much as I knew I’d appreciate their love for each other once I grew up, hearing your parents getting more sex than you is disturbing enough as an adolescent teen. My i-pod had been seriously overplayed since I was old enough to figure out what it was they were doing.
Right now, though? I’d take that haunting noise over nothing. I was an empty skeleton walking around as if I knew what I was doing. Attending two funerals that included four people in the space of a few days made me seem adult-like I suppose when I was anything but.
I’d managed to shrug off the social workers when they’d stopped by, plastering a smile on your face and making sure you have milk in the fridge seemed to steer the old ladies off from chucking me into the system. Not that they seemed all that bothered anyway, the one was far too interested in the stale bourbons I’d placed in front of her.
The letters from the banks and utilities people had started to arrive not long after. The final demands smeared in red that only reminded me of the amount of blood I had on my hands had me shit scared and hiding in my room like the teenager I was.
My parents hadn’t talked to me about how to run a house yet, what parents do with a sixteen-year-old boy who’d just knocked up his girlfriend? I had bigger fish to fry and they’d planned on helping me out when the time came. How did I know? I’d heard them talking in hushed tones one night after they’d thought I’d gone to bed.
My parents were probably the coolest ones of the lot. They had no high standards for me to live up to, they just wanted me to succeed and be happy. I worked hard and partied harder, but when it came to Aurora I made sure I dropped everything for her. My Pa had taught me how to treat a lady and my Ma had taught me the manners that she drilled into me since I could bat my eyelids.
The funeral car carrying Aurora was pulled up outside the main entrance, the rain bouncing off the roof. My first thought was getting an umbrella for my girl but all too soon reality smacks me in the chest, ripping my ribs open and revealing how vulnerable I really am to the throng of people waiting outside the doors, ready to bury my girl and our baby.
Only to those unsuspecting attendees, they were only burying Aurora. The Walkers had decided against telling people that we were expecting a baby when there was no need to add to the loss already.
Only we knew about the tiny life that was growing inside her, and that was the way it would stay for the rest of goddamned time.
Muffled voices pass over my head as I put one foot in front of the other, each step carrying me closer to the back of the waiting car. I do as I’ve seen in a million different movies, I grab the front handle of the coffin before hoisting it up onto my shoulder with the help of the other men doing the same.
I bypassed our school friends, some of whom I’d known since I was in kindergarten without a second glance. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. I’d carried two coffins in the space of a week. My ma’ and pa’ were carried in side by side between myself, a few work friends and the bearers from the funeral home.
Aurora is weightless, the wood of the coffin the only thing keeping me grounded by digging into my shoulder sharply and reminding me of the pain I’m going to live with for the rest of my lif
e.
I didn’t talk to anyone that day either. What was I supposed to say?
Thank you for your condolences.
But No thank you. I’ll take my entire family back instead. Cheers.
Instead, I left without a word. Walked all the way back home in the rain, alone until I reached the house and drowned myself in an entire bottle of ancient whiskey my Pa had stashed in the unit in the dining room.
I’d contemplated nicking it years ago but that night I was damn grateful I hadn’t. He’d always said he was saving it for something special.
Like what?
Graduation?
A new job?
Grandbabies?
A wedding?
It was a matter of days before I pulled myself from my pit of despair, the house reeked of day old alcohol and the pounding of the bank on the door had me making a life changing decision. One that would lead me to today.
My lungs suddenly fill with too much air, the shock making me choke and splutter, no longer was I dead inside, Luna had wormed her way into my system, lighting up every inch of my skin as she went. I’d stupidly let her, but if you’d asked me if I regretted ever doing it.... I’d tell you to shut the fuck up. Of course, I didn’t.
What I did regret.... was doing what I had done and ending up here.
What the fuck was I trying to achieve?
What If’s & Maybe’s
I KNEW HIS CHANCES were slim. Mama had drilled water safety into me since day dot, the chances of him surviving this were next to nothing. The doctors would continually monitor him, taking him for x-rays to check on the water in his lungs, but he was still trying to fight it. It was Reid’s way, it was normal, but this time I needed him to rest, to gather his strength and come back to me.
I insisted on an update before I was led away by the nurse who had begged me to be assessed, Austin was right after all. Anyone in a near-drowning experience should be checked out, Mother Nature was not to be fucked around with.
“Let’s get you out of these wet clothes” she smiles softly, shutting the door to the cubicle behind her. After handing me a robe she turns her back to allow me just a shred of decency to change. My sodden clothes hit the floor with a slap, the water weighing them down. It’s a small relief to be out of them and once I’m on the bed the overwhelming need to sleep washes over me.
“Okay” I mumble, lying back on the too-hard bed, the sheets beneath me itching at my bare skin.
“Okay, Luna was it?” the nurse smiles at me after she turns and comes to stand beside the bed.
“Yeah” I nod, glancing at my bare feet.
“I’m Layla. I just want to be sure you’re all good okay? I’ll just run some tests then I’ll leave you alone” she grabs my hand reassuringly in hers, giving it a gentle squeeze and forcing my eyes to meet hers.
“I couldn’t have it on my conscience if something did happen” her steel-grey eyes glitter in the harsh lighting but I manage a nod and sit back as she goes about her duty.
My blood is drawn, my temperature taken, and my chest checked. My personal details are all jotted down on a clipboard, my height and weight are taken much to my dismay.
I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that tub of Ice- Cream.
All the while I lay there silently, wondering how Reid is doing. I both hate and love how no one has come to update me, but then I think it’s a good sign. No news is good news, right?
After what seemed like an age of lying back on the bed, twiddling my thumbs and feeling more and more nauseous as time wore on, I couldn’t get the words from Reid’s song out of my head. Was it a silent cry for help that had gone unnoticed?
I was so angry with him right now, but I knew I’d never shout and scream at him the way I really wanted. The second he woke up I was going to ball like a baby and cling to him for the rest of time.
I didn’t know how long those lyrics had remained at the bottom of his drawer and that hurt. I had so many questions about that scrap of paper, but I was interrupted when Layla came back into the room, her smile small and her hands clutching at the clip board.
“Luna...” she clears her throat, as she comes to sit on the bottom of the bed, a friendly gesture I’m sure, but all my nerves hit the deck and I feel instantly sick. I need Reid. Now.
“Can I go now?” I sit up, my gown flapping at my back and letting the cold hospital air to travel down my spine.
“Not quite” she reaches a hand out, urging me to stay exactly where I am.
“I...uh. We run your blood tests and I need to ask you a few questions” she turns her attention back to the clipboard in front of her, the charts and medical chatter written there means nothing to me. Those few questions were bound to be the mundane lot that every doctor asks you, but her next words stunned me stupid and had me sitting on that bed as if I had concrete in my ass cheeks.
“Were you aware that you’re pregnant?” her grey eyes land back on mine.
Pregnant.
Me?
How...?
No...
“What?” I manage, the word swirling around my head like a vortex turning my stomach at the same time.
“Your blood results came back. The levels of HCG in your blood tell us you’re at least a few weeks”
“My period isn’t due yet” I mumble as if the information would be of any use. Blood’s don’t lie. I know that but still.... Reid hadn’t worn a condom for any of the times we were together, but I was on the pill.... something I’d forgotten about the amount of nights I’d been spending at the cabin.
This was all my fault.
Shit.
“I hate to ask you this Luna, but are you going to keep it?”
My eyes land on hers, the sheer terror emanating from them makes her flinch a little.
“Of course, I am” I snap, my hand going to my lower abdomen that I thought was empty just a few seconds ago.
I’ve just found out that I’m carrying something so precious and the first question they ask is that?
I swallow down any rationality I thought they might have, of course they have to ask that question but to me it seems absurd.
“I need to see Reid” I choke, swinging my legs off the side of the bed, being sure not to kick the nurse in the process. I couldn’t bear the news that I was a nurse beater spreading around town right now on top of everything else. God knows what the word was around the bay about our early morning cliff dive. I grab the bag that Rachel had brought for me earlier and find my comfiest leggings and oversized woolen top. I silently thank her as I shove them on, needing comfort and Reid more than ever right now.
“Okay. You’ll need to have a scan...”
“Not now” I snap, cutting her words off and refusing to let her finish that sentence until the man who needs this the most is live and fucking kicking. Only then will she finish the words she was about to spill out of her mouth as if I was just another patient. I barge past her, my emotions getting the better of me as I trudge down the hallway back to Reid’s room.
I couldn’t. Without Reid, I just couldn’t.
You watch all these films and read all these books about the perfect moment on the bathroom floor when you both read the positive sign on the pregnancy test, of all the times the father’s weep a little at the first sound of the heartbeat or the first glimmer of life on the screen. I didn’t have those moments. At least not now, and I wasn’t prepared to start that without Reid.
I didn’t even want to acknowledge them without Reid. I’d just jumped off the edge of a fucking cliff all the while being pregnant for fucks sake and for what?
To save his life?
To save my guilty conscience for not doing anything?
I didn’t know. All I knew was he better be breathing in that bed otherwise I was going to kick him back to life just to kill him all over again for putting me through this.
“Hey!” Rachel jumps up from her seat, Austin by her side.
“Are you okay?” her worried eyes scan my body for
injury and when she comes up empty she glares into my eyes. I hope she can figure out what I’m trying to tell her, but I can’t be sure. Even as she pulls me into her arms and hugs me tightly.
“Luna” I pull away from Rachel ever so slightly to the sound of my mama’s tear-wrecked voice.
Mama’s hair is a mess of curls and spikes today, her usually perfect hair is in total disarray. For the first time since her heart attack she looks almost frightened. Her usually perky skin around her cheeks is ashen and wrinkle stricken, the color almost gone completely as she eyes me up and down. I don’t know if it’s just me being paranoid but I’m almost certain her eyes linger on my abdomen for longer than is necessary. The look in her old eyes tells me she knows. The small smile she flashes my way before it quickly disappears again only confirms it.
Before I can dwell on the fact that I’m growing a tiny human, my mama wraps me in her arms. The complete warmth of her around me, her smell sends me back to my childhood, to the safety of her arms, the sound of her laugh, all the small things that seemed like nothing back then felt like the world right now.
“Baby-girl it will all be okay” she mumbles into my hair, her hand pressed to the back of my head, holding my close. My own hands grip at the fabric on her back, my fingers curling into it tighter than is necessary, but I need to feel grounded right now.
“You saved his life Luna” Mama grips me tighter, but I fight against it.
“Is he awake?” I choke on my words, tears I hadn’t even realized were falling down my face, wet my lips.
“Not yet” she shakes her head softly, her wrinkly thumbs wiping at my damp cheeks. I want to yell at her for giving me a false sense of hope. Not yet could mean never. Its common lifeguarding knowledge that for every damned second, he doesn’t breathe on his own is another second closer to him never doing it again.
My mind starts to wander to the what ifs but I stop myself.
Mama takes me to sit beside her, pulling my head to her chest where I hear her heartbeat thrumming against my ear. Is it wrong that it sounds funny? I’ve grown so accustomed to hearing Reid’s that this feels wrong, foreign even.
Delia Bay Page 23
