What if he doesn’t wake up?
I don’t know how long I spent like that but at some point, Rach forced a coffee down my throat along with a stale hospital sandwich. People came and went without as much as a blink from me. I sat by Reid when I was allowed, held his hand as tightly as I could, spoke to him as if he could still hear me but I couldn’t be sure. When his body had moved slightly I’d reassured him, or at least I tried to.
What if he never knew I was carrying his baby?
The shallow beep of his monitor became a sordid comfort, telling my subconscious that he was still alive, albeit barely.
The next day Rachel had had enough of my stinking self and dragged me home for a shower. I’d fought her black and blue until my Mama had promised to stay with Reid and call me if anything changed. I was still itching to get back to him the minute my foot stepped over the cabin door. Granted, I could have gone back to my flat, but I wanted to be here. This place was where we spent most of our time, the place we became and us.
What if I was going to be single parent?
I showered quickly, leaving my hair damp and hanging down my back as I slipped one of Reid’s jumpers on. His scent cocooned me, seeping into my skin and making me warm and fuzzy all the while forcing my ache for him to the forefront.
My belly fluttered slightly, a feeling I couldn’t relate to ever feeling before.
I needed his arms around me, his words in my ear, his breath across my skin. I let the fabric fall from my nose reluctantly, slipping on a pair of leggings and getting a glimpse at my belly in the mirror on the wall. It’s still flat but my hand goes to the place where my bump will be.
My fingertips dance across the taught skin before I lay my palm flat hoping to feel a flicker of the life growing there. When I come up empty I don’t feel sad or gutted. I feel determined. That little sunflower seed growing inside me needs its daddy.
I don’t feel scared or nauseous as majority of the rumors tell me I should, but then again, my mind is elsewhere right now.
Reid already had his heart ripped out by another poppy seed, but maybe this one could help him put it back together again. I’d never ever want to replace Aurora and his first baby, but I could make him see that he deserved it. For real this time. To keep.
I finish up before going to the kitchen where I left Rachel, the open bottle of whiskey calls to me from the counter.
“Here you go” Rach hands me a half full tumbler and without thinking I take a hefty sip before realizing my mistake.
I try and fail at secretly spitting the drink back out into the glass, Rachel catches my eye, her perfect black eyebrow cocking up at me.
“I don’t feel like drinking” I shrug, dumping the now full glass back on the counter.
“Mhhmm” she nods in my direction, her long red hair falling around her shoulders.
“Can we head back now?” I turn, grabbing my bag from the spot on the sofa where I dumped it.
“Luna” she growls from behind me, the loud slam of her empty glass hitting the island has me turning towards her. It’s like a déjà vu when her eyes glance to my flat stomach before landing on my own again.
“Yes” Is all I say before swallowing and heading out the cabin door. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Reid should have been the first one to know after I found out right? It’s the way things are done. But of course, nothing could go to plan for us. Hell, I didn’t even know if the fucker would wake up.
Broken Hearts & Fresh Starts
I THOUGHT I’D FELT guilty before, but nothing could feel like this. I had Aurora in one ear, Luna in the other. Both saying the same god damned thing. I was an idiot. A selfish fucking prick that had no idea what I had been doing from the second I jumped off that cliff.
My lips feel swollen and cracked, the taste of dried blood filters my mouth when all I want to do is whisper how sorry I am to them both. Two beautiful, pure girls who walked into my life with absolutely no idea how much hurt I’d bring them.
I let them down.
I let them all down because I couldn’t think about anyone but myself.
When will Luna see that I’m like the fucking plague to her beautiful, pure, innocent life?
It was too late for Aurora, she was gone and there was fuck-all I could do to bring her back. The darkness grows around me, my eyes trying and failing to open so many times that I actually think this may be my future. I don’t deserve to open them again. This is my fate, eternal darkness, taunted by the soulful voices of my loved one’s dancing around me for the rest of time. Aurora was my best trait in high school. The one who kept me grounded, made me do my homework and rewarded me with her soft kisses and gentle touches. The fresh smell of cut grass burns in my lungs when the memory of that summer comes rushing back to me. The sun blaring down on my bare back, Aurora’s nails digging into the skin there as I made love to her for the first time. It hadn’t been the plan, she’d been the one to bring a blanket out to the field just off her parent’s house on the outskirts of the city, and I’d just so happened to have a condom in my wallet.
Fate she had called it.
We’d stayed curled in each other’s arms for hours afterwards, watching the sun set and the dusting of stars coming to life around us before she’d switched her phone on to play some music and we’d danced together, in our underwear with the biggest damned smiles on our faces.
No drug in the world could make you feel the same way I did that night.
I remember you Aurora.
My brain swishes the words around like dissolvable aspirin in a glass, the disgusting taste lingering on my tongue. I feel so lost.
My parents didn’t have a will, or if they did, I never found it. They weren’t exactly old when they died, I always figured they just never got around to writing one. What it meant for me though, was that I had to leave my family home. Even after being told that I was the sole beneficiary to their estate, I couldn’t keep up with the payments on the house.
For that, I hated my parents. Not because of who they were as people but because of the shit storm they’d left me in. I hated them for dying, not that it was fair of course but I couldn’t turn the feeling off. My parents were good people, giving and kind humans who lived for their small family that meant more to them than anything else. Our house wasn’t massive, our cars weren’t the newest models, but we lived comfortably and happy. Unfortunately for me, that wasn’t enough to keep me going once they left. I’d had to swallow my pride and pack what I could into a few rucksacks and headed out into the city. I had no income so the family things I’d wanted to keep, or even store had to be left behind. I couldn’t afford a storage facility when I couldn’t even afford to put food in my empty belly.
I’d made sure to grab the most important photo to me, leaving the empty frame behind along with the empty rooms with walls filled with memories. The four walls slowly faded behind me the more I headed into the city, I figured it was my best chance at surviving rather than staying out here in the suburbs.
I wouldn’t miss the continuous knocking on the front door from the bailiffs or the bank. I wouldn’t miss the flickering light bulb in the living room that refused to quit when I didn’t know where we kept the spares. Or the way the Tv had shut off a few weeks ago because I hadn’t paid the cable bill. I would miss the smell of Ma’ cooking in the morning, the gross noises they made when my dad came downstairs and gave her a kiss before heading to work. Just them.
I’d miss my girl. The way she would spread herself across my bed, her dark hair fanned out around her and her palms clasped securely over her abdomen and our tiny little baby that was growing well there.
I’d gone to work that night with the intentions of grabbing a pizza on my way home and Aurora wanted to eat it in bed in our slacks while we watched shit TV. Instead I’d gone hungry and spent my night in wet clothes identifying her and my parents’ lifeless bodies in the morgue of the city hospital. That night was the start of my end, the beginning of my never-endi
ng darkness.
My skin feels foreign, my head feels light as if it’s been stuffed with wool, old memories and new ones blend together until I can’t make out what’s what. Until a gentle touch on my cheek has me twitching in that direction. My breathing kicks up a notch when I notice the familiar scent of Luna, the sea salt mixed with her natural floral scent has my heart racing, pumping the blood around my body at lightning speed.
“Luna, you should really go and have that scan” a familiar voice from my left speaks softly, filled with little concern.
“Not now” Luna replies from somewhere on my right. My chest aches with wonder, why would she need a scan?
What if she’s hurt? Did I hurt her? My head swims in the water I’d ingested, my stupidity could have cost Luna her life not just my own, I’d been selfish all over again. I need to be here for Luna if she’s hurt. I can’t have my little dove needing scans and whatever the fuck else without me there to help her.
“Luna, you need to make sure everything is okay” The voice from before that I now recognize as Mrs. Perry has me clawing at the thin sheets beneath me.
“Mama, I feel fine. I’ll get a look at the baby once Reid is awake” Luna whispers from beside me, her hand that was resting in mine clutches tighter around me, her voice filled with hurt and laced with tears.
Baby.
I convince myself that I must have heard wrong. That’s impossible. Unless...unless there’s someone else? No. Luna isn’t like that. I know that. There’s got to be another explanation.
I need to wake up. I can’t lie here listening to this shit and not do fuck all about it. I can’t have babies, I made sure of that but the realization of how much I need Luna and how much she needs me has me straining my eye lids and wishing them open.
I didn’t survive Aurora, but I would try to live for Luna. I had to. Especially if she was pregnant. Even if the baby wasn’t mine I couldn’t leave her, not now. The rope I’d lassoed around us wouldn’t break, I was tied to her until the day I died whether she liked it or not. The irony has my blood pumping like lightening through my veins, my heart beats so fast I’m sure it’s going to jump right out of my rib cage. I want to smack her silly for not going to get a scan now, I never got the chance with Aurora. My head hurts with my brain spinning at ninety miles per hour but I need to wake up. The tubes up my nose itch, the oxygen being shoved into my lungs has me gasping in more air than I need.
“Reid?” Luna’s melodic voice has my eyes snapping open before I instinctively shut them again, the bright lights above me almost blinding me. The second they close I force them open again, I’m not waiting another second with my eyes glued shut. The last ten years have been spent like that, nothing but total darkness, it was time I forced myself into the bright lights. Into Luna, into everything Aurora has been trying to get me to see ever since she left.
I never wanted to close my eyes again, I’d hold them open with tooth-picks if I had to. I didn’t want to be lonely again. I had to have Luna’s warmth around me, the sound of her beating heart beneath my ear, the salty smell from her hair that seemed to be permanently there sprinkled on my sheets.
“Reid!” Luna shrieks before she’s sprawled across the top of me, blocking out the blinding light that’s directly above my head. My arms wrap around her, holding her tight even as my muscles scream in protest. Everything I want is wrapped up tightly in my hold and I don’t plan on ever letting her go. I relish in her sweet scent, her heat against my chest that’s covered only by a thin layer of fabric that has me wishing we were back at the cabin beneath the thick comforter on my bed. Our bed.
“I’m so sorry” I mumble against her warm shoulder, my eyes squeeze shut against the storm of emotions threatening to break free any second.
“Don’t” she shakes her head wildly against me, her blonde locks tickling my chin as she does. I don’t know how long we stay like that, locked in each other’s arms without even the slightest hint that either one of us is going to let go.
“I’ll get a nurse” Mrs. Perry says from somewhere in the background before Luna gently pries herself away from my aching body.
“Baby” she smiles softly down at me, her wild hair draping across her shoulders as she runs her thumbs down my cheeks.
I hadn’t seen beauty in anything for years. Even the freshest of meadows couldn’t put a smile on my face but right now, glancing up at the most precious thing to have landed in my lap for well over a decade, the full moon had slapped me in the face the second I laid my eyes on it.
“Whatever this is Reid, I will share your pain, that’s what I’m here for” she kisses my cracked lips and I try and fail to kiss her back, her words solidifying every damned thing I thought was impossible.
We don’t get another second to ourselves as a flock of nurses and doctors run into the room, each of them checking something different on the numerous monitors around me.
It went on for what felt like hours. I didn’t get a chance to talk to Luna about the conversation I’d overheard because of all the tests I was forced to undertake. Scans to check the water levels in my lungs, brain scans to make sure I wasn’t permanently damaged. I felt like telling the greying doctor that I was doomed for eternity if Luna was going to be by my side. Baby or no baby. It had taken her less than a few weeks to turn my entire world on its head, god knows what she’d have in store for me if we’re going to be together. She might even bury me under the decking out back if I’m not careful. It was late by the time everything was done, and the doctors were satisfied that I didn’t need anything else pumped into my system, but I’d have to stay on the ward for a few days for observation much to my annoyance. All I wanted, or, all I needed rather was my girl, our bed and a big fat joint.
Mrs. Perry said her goodbye’s and when the nurse had regretfully told Luna that she couldn’t spend the night on the ward due to her condition and that she would have to go home, my girls face fell like a ton of bricks. It wasn’t the time to ask her what the fuck was going because I didn’t have the right to ask that question, not yet. I’d put her in danger by doing what I did, and I need to earn her trust back if I’m going to be the man she deserves.
I held her close for a few minutes, inhaling her smell, the same one I wish I could bottle and carry around in my pocket before I kissed her lips, the tip of her nose, her cheeks and her forehead and finally her hands and letting her slim fingers fall from mine. I inhale the stale stench that is hospital air as my eyes follow her retreating back down the hallway, Rachel’s arm held securely around her shoulder, holding her up no doubt.
I can only imagine the shit she’s gone through over the past few days. Did she feel the same anguish I’d felt when I’d gotten that phone call about Aurora? About my parents? Shit, she’d watched me fall over the side of that cliff, I squeeze my eyes shut as the memories flood back to me. The icy cold waves piercing my skin, Luna’s scream, Aurora’s reassurances.
That night I fell into a fitful sleep once the doctors pumped me full of drugs, visions of both my girls dancing around my eyelids like a haunting ballet that no one would ever buy a ticket for.
This was no nightmare, this was my life and I had to fucking live for it.
I Love You’s & New Rules
“LUNA, PLEASE!” MAMA pleads with me once more as we make our way back down the corridor to the ward where Reid is. He was finally moved from the intensive care unit two days ago and moved to a regular ward, and all I’d heard off Mama was how much I needed to get the scan for the baby. What I hadn’t told her was that I wasn’t seeing our baby for the first time without him by my side. I wasn’t putting my man through that shit again, the first time he’d see our baby was the first time I would too. Reid was a survivor and we had so many firsts to look forward to. Starting with this tiny seedling growing inside my belly. I hadn’t told him yet, but I knew exactly how I was going to tell my sensitive soul.
“Mama. Not now!” I hiss quietly beneath my breath, gritting my teeth briefly before tur
ning my face into a believable smile as I push the door to Reid’s room open.
“Hey blackbird” I chirp, watching his smile grow as he pushes the errant hair atop his head from his beautiful green eyes. I’d taken to calling him by the nick-name I’d chosen now instead of Reid in the off chance it would make him realize how important he was to me. Only important and special people got nick-names. It was the rules apparently.
“Hello Li...” Reid starts but I cut him off with my lips. Every night that I’ve been apart from him I’ve lain awake wondering if he’s doing the same thing. I’ve craved his touch, his smell so damned much I’ve wrapped myself in his shirts, spritzed myself with his spicy cologne and haven’t changed the sheets on his bed for over a week. A clearing of a throat behind me has me pulling away reluctantly.
“We just need to do some routine checks before we discharge you” the younger looking doctor nods in Reid’s direction after I turn to face him with a death glare for interrupting me touching my man. I’d been half afraid that Reid wouldn’t want to see me once he woke up but the way he’d wrapped his arms around me the first time I’d hugged him showed me otherwise. We needed each other more than ever right now, whatever that was.
“We’ll give you a minute” Mama nods and smiles politely at the doctor before nodding her head in the direction of the door. I smile at Reid before forcefully pulling my hand from his, instantly missing the warmth his fingertips. The fluttering in my belly had me flattening my palm there, the tiny seedling knows when its daddy is near already.
“Luna please go and checked out, you can never be too careful with these things” Mama leans her slim shoulder against the wall outside Reid’s room, finally spilling the words she’s had at the tip of her tongue for all of two seconds.
“Mama, how do you even know I’m pregnant?” I widen my eyes at her, the words have never left my mouth.
Delia Bay Page 24
