36 Inches: A MFMM Romantic Comedy

by Alexis Angel

  There’s a pause and I see the reporter smile. He’s got his story.

  And I’ve just well admitted to sleeping with Lance while married to his father.

  This situation is now out of control. I’m about to be burned at the stake—figuratively, but hell, maybe even literally.

  “Is the child Lance’s?” a random reporter shouts out.

  “How long have you been having sex with Lance?” another reporter yells out.

  “Did the Mayor know?” yes another reporter asks.

  They’re all clamoring for the juiciest story in years. And I just handed it to them on a silver platter.

  How could we not have prepared for this question?

  And then I see him.

  Michael. He’s standing at the back of the crowd, but I can recognize him.

  Did he set this up?

  Did he set me up to crash and burn? Is this some twisted game to win the election and get rid of me?

  I can tell I’m panicking on the podium. I’m frozen.

  I have a lawyer who’s with me, but that’s it. I don’t do public appearances. I don’t have a PR person or Chief of Staff. Kenneth set everything up for me.

  Where is Kenneth?

  I’m about ready to faint, when I hear another voice.

  “Jesus fucking Christ, do you think you guys could learn some fucking manners?” the familiar voice says out and I snap my head to the right.

  Dressed in an impeccable suit that hugs his body like a glove is the 21-year-old love of my life and father of my child. Lance Anders.

  He apparently didn’t bother to listen to his father or to me and he’s here anyways.

  “If you’re done picking on my girlfriend, I’ll take the rest of her questions and tell you whatever you want to know,” he says with the confidence of just being a superior human being to most men. Then he turns to me and says, “Don’t worry, I’m here now. Everything is gonna be all right.”

  And I just know that no matter what happens, I’m going to be okay.

  We are going to be okay.

  Lance

  Yeah, yeah, I know I’m not supposed to have been here. I’m not supposed to steal the fucking thunder or whatever the fuck it is that I’m doing right now. Well, I’m here. So fucking sue me.

  “If you’re done picking on my girlfriend, I’ll take the rest of her questions and tell you whatever you want to know,” I say to the gaggle of journalists who were getting ready to tear into Jocelyn.

  Besides, it looks like she actually is appreciating the fact that I’m here.

  “Don’t worry, I’m here now. Everything is gonna be all right,” I tell her. She nods to me. She’s overwhelmed by what she had to go through—she hasn’t had something like this that she’s been thrust into ever. It takes a lot of fucking balls to do that.

  If I ever had any fucking doubt that she loves me, it’s all gone now.

  Now it’s time for me to save the fucking day.

  “Get your cameras ready folks, because that baby, as far as I know, is mine,” I say into the microphone.

  And boom. The photographers just let that shit fucking fly. They’re taking so many fucking pictures of me I’ll probably be on every single magazine and newspaper cover in the morning.

  They’ll probably put the most controversial fucking headlines they can. Think about it. The son of the mayor of New York City just admitted to fucking his wife.

  Only let's get one thing straight right from the get go here, folks.

  I am not fucking related to Michael Anders. Or to Jocelyn Carter.

  That’s right. It’s about time we start using her maiden name because by the time I get done, there won’t be a person in this city who will want her to stay married.

  “Did your father know at the time the baby was conceived?” a reporter from the front row asks.

  “Are you ashamed of yourself?” another reporter asks over him. I turn to him on that one. It’s the same guy who brought out the whole line of questioning as to whether or not the babe was mine—the one who torpedoed a perfectly good press conference.

  This is the guy who I’m gonna destroy first.

  “I’ll take that question…sorry, I don’t know your name,” I say into the microphone, looking at him.

  “Carson Maddox, from the Downtown Metro,” he says back to me.

  I nod. Here I go.

  “Well, Carson Maddox, you asked a pretty crazy question. Am I ashamed for what I did?” I start and the reporters quiet down. “Absolutely not.”

  The commotion picks up again. Along with the camera flashes and more questions.

  But I’m not done yet and I start speaking into the microphone.

  “And I’ll tell you why not,” I begin and the hubbub starts to die down. “When I first came back to New York, I was the Lance Anders that the Daily Journal had gotten used to. Hard partying, chasing after anything in a skirt, and ready to fight for anything.”

  People start to quiet down and listen to me now that they realize I’m not just talking in a fucking sound bite.

  “I have to be honest, that kind of life is great if you want to go through life protecting yourself from getting hurt,” I tell the crowd. “But if you ever want any sort of relationship at all where you care about someone, it’s not going to be possible.”

  A few photographers snap pictures. I continue.

  “I was a master at protecting myself. Not just from women. But from my own family. Ever since my mom died, I’ve been building walls around myself. So much so that what little family I did have left I was able to effectively sideline. I did that so well I didn’t even know what was going on in my stepfather’s life till I got to his house,” I say talking directly into the cameras in the back. “But when I did finally arrive, I didn’t see a marriage between dad and Jocelyn. I saw two people who were unhappy with each other.”

  Now I got their attention. Time to bring it home.

  “I’ve always operated according to my own personal code of honor, folks,” I tell the press. I’m fucking serious about this too. “I would never break up a happy home or a solid marriage. But what I saw wasn’t a happy home. And it sure as fuck was not a solid marriage.”

  People are starting to soften. I can tell just by looking at their faces.

  “Over the course of time I came to realize that not only was there no love in this marriage, but it was an union that would be better off it were dissolved,” I conclude. Let’s see what counterpunch the news has.

  “Does your father share that opinion?” a reporter from the back asks me.

  “First off, he’s my step-father, as Jocelyn said,” I reply without missing a beat. “And secondly, yes, by his own actions my stepfather had conceded that this marriage was not suitable for him. Don’t get me wrong, we still had a fucking argument when I brought this up, but it was something that we all knew was under the surface.”

  “Do you think this will help or hurt Mayor Anders in the campaign?” another reporter from the crowd asks.

  “I think without having to be tied down with a marriage that wasn’t working out for either of them—and without going into the specifics let me fucking assure you that it really wasn’t working out for either—I think this can only help my stepfather do his job as the best Mayor in the history of this city,” I say all in one sentence. I have no fucking idea if dad will turn out to be a shitty mayor in his second term or not, but I need to play nice right now. I’m backed against the wall enough as it is without needing to take on someone who makes Machiavelli look like a little kid.

  If you’re shaking your head at me, hear me out, okay? Can you really deny the possibility that Michael Anders—who we already know is capable of seducing a man and then blackmailing him about it for the rest of his life, including to force him into giving him his only daughter’s hand in marriage so he can carry on a charade—wouldn’t stoop to the level of setting this whole thing up to blow up in our faces?

  I’m sorry to start throwin
g conspiracy theories out there, but it’s gotta be fucking said. Who’s to say that Michael didn’t just plant a reporter in here to ask Jocelyn the question that got her tripped up? If you’re thinking the election, think about how many pity votes he could come out getting as the husband who’s wife cheated on him. How many women would vote for him based on the fact that they don’t like cheating? And we know he polls not so well with women.

  That’s why despite all the planning, I still wanted to be close in case anything like this went down. Because when push comes to shove, I’m going to protect Jocelyn over my stepfather.

  “At the end of the day, Michael Ander’s first and true love is public service and holding office,” I say into the microphone. “He’s better suited than his wife. He lives and breathes for something like that. Neither Jocelyn and I are like that.”

  The cameras continue to roll and I can tell it’s time to bring it all home.

  “Let me be clear and make this final point,” I say in a commanding voice. “I was rescued from my aimless and stagnating ways by this woman standing next to me. It takes a lot of courage to come up here and admit you did something wrong, and she did that with class, grace, and humility. I admit that I did wrong as well. I’ll probably have to atone for my sins one day, but right now, I want to move on with my life and I’m sure she wants the same. There’s nothing nefarious going on in that.”

  “Lance,” a female voice shoots out. “Did the estrangement of several years cause you any contributing desire in addition to your attraction for going down this path and potentially torpedoing his campaign?”

  She thinks I fucking planned this out?

  “I think you give me too much credit,” I quip back sharply. There is a light ruffling of laughter. “All I did was find two unhappy people when I entered their lives.”

  I look to Jocelyn and she smiles at me. “Hopefully by the time I leave at least one of those people is happier with me.”

  “But you still engaged in an improper affair, did you not?” the reporter follows up. She’s not letting this one go.

  I sigh. “Is it cheating if there is no love in the marriage?” I ask.

  There’s several murmurs of discussion and the voice replies back. “If there was truly no love, why didn’t your father and Mrs. Anders file for a relatively simple divorce? Why go through the pitfalls of cheating on a spouse?”

  Fuck.

  Where did that come from?

  In my pause, the reporter pounces. “In fact, isn’t it true that the only reason you’re standing here today is because Mrs. Anders got pregnant? That if she hadn’t, you would simply carry on as before.”

  Fuck, he’s just backed me into a corner.

  Michael made it explicitly clear not to air the dirty laundry, but I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do now to defend Jocelyn and me. I can’t talk about the specific cases where the marriage looks fucking fake, because it’ll make dad look bad. And he’ll retaliate with enough overkill to steamroll us.

  But on the other hand, I can’t talk about knowingly cheating, or helping a woman cheat.

  Seriously, this smacks of a Michael Anders setup, doesn’t it?

  I look to the right of me and see Jocelyn standing there, placing her complete faith in me.

  I just wish I knew what to say.

  That's when another voice comes from behind the crowd.

  “He didn’t cheat, because the marriage was never proper to begin with,” the voice states with commanding authority.

  I can’t see who it is, but I see the people part—similar to how Moses parted the Red Sea.

  And out of the corner of my eyes, I see the front row begin to split up in different sides.

  And my dad comes walking out.

  He turns his back to me and faces the cameras. “Maybe I should say some words now too, give my side of the story.”

  Yeah, he’s definitely up to something.

  I just wish I knew what.

  Michael

  Well, I guess you never expected to be hearing from me now, did you?

  Come on, I figure the least you can give me is a chance to get my side of the story in, if that. This is going to be the one and only time I get a chance to talk to you, and I guarantee you that a few things will happen.

  First, you will see why I’m better than those two. Better than Jocelyn—sure she’s pretty, but she’s a child. Doesn’t understand how the world works. Thinks that people are inherently good. This world is a nasty, brutal place. I take what I can and I try to keep you from taking it from me. The whole concept of family or friends that we’ve created is a luxury. At the end of the day, all you have is yourself. And nothing else matters. The murderer sleeps as peacefully as the person he murdered when they’re both dead.

  Yes, I’m better than Lance too. Sure, he’s got that body. He’s got a good heart. Bless him, he is a good person, I don’t deny that. He even has the killer instinct. No one else would be able to turn that press conference around if they didn’t. But he could be so much more. Instead he chooses to waste it all by thinking with the wrong head. He falls in love. Love is for suckers.

  I’m going to leave you with that for now because I think you’re not being completely receptive to what I have to say. Figures. You probably want Lance and Jocelyn to end up together, don’t you? They’re two stupid human beings and I have no time for anyone who doesn’t understand or see that.

  I climb the steps to the podium as Lance looks at me. He’s wondering what I’m up to. Well, he’s about to find out how a real master handles this. I don’t even bother looking at Jocelyn. She’s probably staring at me with those cow-like eyes of hers, wondering what’s going on. Honestly, I can’t believe I had to spend as many months as I did tolerating her. Her constant need for affection. Her constant attitude of needing love. It’s sickening.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” I say into the microphone, giving the press a wide smile. “You’ve certainly had a roller coaster of a day today, haven’t you?”

  There’s isolated pockets of laughter. That’s how you need to do it. Lance and Jocelyn, in their typical fashion, just bungled the whole thing.

  But then again, they were never supposed to get this far. Not with those questions I had planted about Jocelyn’s relationship to Lance and about cheating.

  That’s right. I planned it. I sabotaged them. I wanted them to fail.

  Why?

  Just pay attention and find out.

  “Everything you’ve heard today has been true. My stepson has carried on a relationship with Jocelyn Carter, and she is pregnant by him,” I say. Cameras flash. I’m used to it and I continue. “I can honestly say that the two of them deserve each other. They’re perfect for each other.”

  There are a few people in the crowd who smile. They don’t realize I’m speaking out of contempt.

  “But Jocelyn hasn’t cheated on me, folks,” I say to the audience, drawing them in. “And Lance hasn’t betrayed me. And I’ll tell you why I can say that.”

  Now they’re hooked. I have them right where I want them.

  “It’s because,” I say as I reach into my coat pocket and pull out an envelope. “This marriage was never formally signed off on.”

  There are murmurs. Apparently the press is clueless about marriages lasting less than a year in New York State. Let me break it down for them.

  “In the State of New York, both parties upon entering a marriage sign a marriage certificate with the magistrate who performs that marriage,” I begin and people begin nodding. “I never gave the certificate to Jocelyn to sign.”

  Now there’s a hushed whisper going through the group. They’re wondering why I would do something like this and which way this press conference is going.

  “That’s because at the time, I wasn’t sure that marrying Jocelyn was the right course of action, folks,” I say to the crowd. “You see, I wasn’t attracted to her, but I wasn’t ready to tell everyone my secret either.”

  Even the
cameras stop. You could hear a pin drop if you listened hard enough.

  “You see, Jocelyn and I never consummated our marriage because there was no way I was attracted to her. No way I was attracted to women in general when men were much more agreeable to me,” I say, bringing a mask of pained resolve to my face. These media sheep are eating this up. I’m going to control the narrative for the next two days if I play this right.

  “All my life, I’ve struggled with this double life, being someone who my parents wanted me to be while inside I just wanted to let my true colors shine,” I say into the microphone. “But I’m here today to tell you, to tell the world, that I identify as homosexual. And if you’ll have me, I’d like to be the first openly gay mayor of New York City.”

  That does it. Those cameras that were silent? They pop up and begin their flash. I smile in a bittersweet fashion. I practiced it this morning as I got ready for my arrival.

  I had thought that I had scared Lance enough to stay away. That by the time I entered, Jocelyn would be floundering and would be looking like a mess. That I’d come in and save the day. And get back at her for all the time she’s wasted of mine in doing this. Couldn’t keep her damn legs closed, could she?

  Yes, I was very surprised to see Lance. But I have a feeling I’ve saved him too.

  “From this day forward, New York, I promise to be proud and open about who I am with not just my family, but to the entire city as well,” I say, raising my arms. People actually start to clap and cheer. Idiots.

  I notice Lance clapping next to me as well and he takes a step closer.

  Oh, he wants to play that game, does he?

  “I know my secret may have caused a lot of hurt and pain to my immediate family, but I want to take this opportunity to let them know that it was their pain that I saw I was causing that finally prompted me to come out today. There was no way that I could let a good and decent and intelligent woman like Jocelyn Carter continue to believe that she was doing something wrong,” I say into the microphone. “She hasn’t cheated on me technically because she hasn’t broken any marriage vows. All she’s done is fallen in love with a much younger gentleman in my son. And I think after this long on the campaign trail, I can vouch for his character.”