V is for Virgin

by Kelly Oram

  “I’m ecstatic about it,” he admitted without a shred of shame. “Doesn’t mean I’m glad to see you hurt. I was hoping you’d see how wrong he was for you and dump him yourself.”

  “How do you know we were wrong for each other?”

  Kyle gave me a challenging look and asked, “Are you denying it?”

  I sighed, defeated.

  “Cheer up. On the bright side, now you can move on to someone who is right for you.”

  “Oh, and I suppose you mean yourself.”

  “Well.” Kyle grinned. “I wasn’t going to bring it up, but since you mentioned it, I’m one hundred percent positive you and I would be good for each other.”

  “Except for the part where I won’t sleep with you.”

  “You might change your mind about that once you get to know me. I’m not a total jackass, Val. I could wait until you were ready if you’d just give me a chance.”

  “Could you wait until marriage?” I asked. The question was more of a challenge than actual curiosity, though I have to admit I held my breath hoping for a sincere yes. Of course I didn’t get one.

  Kyle laughed because the idea of waiting for marriage was such a foreign concept to him. “First of all,” he said. “If I ever take the marital plunge—and that is a very big if—that wouldn’t be for years and years. And second of all, I’m not committing the rest of my life to someone I haven’t slept with. What if we weren’t compatible that way, and then I was stuck with her? We’d be divorced in a week.”

  It took everything I had in me not to scoff at him. “You see, Kyle?” I said, rising to my feet. “You and I would never work. I don’t mean that to be rude this time, it’s just a fact. You need to find some other girl to torture.”

  “Torture?” Kyle laughed. “You enjoy our little moments as much as I do.”

  A long weary sigh escaped me. “But they’re pointless, Kyle. They’ll never get us anywhere but heartbreak.”

  I started to walk away, but Kyle scrambled to his feet and blocked my path. “Where are you going?”

  “I’ve lost both my best friend and my boyfriend tonight. I have a headache, I’m exhausted, and I’m a little too close to having a complete emotional breakdown. I’m going home to curl up with a sappy romance novel and eat my weight in chocolate.”

  Kyle looked horrified by my confession, as if I’d just gone into detail about my time of the month or something. “I have a better idea,” he said, looking so scared of me it was comical. “Lets skip the sappy romance book, and go to dinner. I don’t know about you, but I’m always starving after a show.”

  When was Kyle ever not starving? Still, I was surprised by the invite. “I thought you had to be at some stupid tour kick-off party that’s so important my best friend threatened to never speak to me again if I don’t go to it.”

  “I’m leaving town in the morning to go on an insanely busy tour. I want to spend my last few hours of freedom with you, and you’re obviously not in the mood to go to a party.”

  My heart fluttered against my will. I mentally screamed at myself for it.

  “As flattered as I am that you’d blow off your big night for me, I’m not exactly in the mood to go on a date with you either. No offense.”

  “Not a date, then. Just hanging out with a friend who is in serious need of sustenance.”

  I sighed again, but the truth was I could use a friend at the moment, and Kyle had a way of making me feel better. “Fine. How about a compromise then?” I suggested. “You take me home and we can hit a drive-thru on the way. I haven’t eaten much since the Zach thing came out in the papers. I could go for an animal-style Double Double right now.”

  Kyle raised an eyebrow at me. “You’re suggesting that for our one night together before I leave, we have dinner at In-N-Out Burger?”

  “Drive-thru,” I clarified. “I’m not in the mood to deal with your stupid public.”

  “Dinner at the In-N-Out drive-thru.” Kyle laughed. “If you’re trying to convince me you aren’t perfect for me, you’re doing a lousy job of it.”

  Kyle motioned me forward, nudging my shoulder. “P.S.? They’re your public too. My fans are your fans too, you know.”

  “Oh, yeah, I could tell when they were littering my website with comments so nasty that Robin skipped school to disable the chat forum before I had a chance to read what they said. She was afraid I’d be emotionally scared for life.”

  “Don’t you know anything about groupies, Val? They were just mad because they want you to be with me.”

  “If that’s true, then I’m afraid they’re in for a disappointment,” I grumbled.

  Kyle laughed and pulled me along at a faster pace. “Come on, I’m sure you’ll be more optimistic once you have some food in you.”

  Kyle and I took a cab back to my house. It was quite the cloak and dagger effort. He had one of his roadies who was about the same height and build as him drive his car—which his fans recognize, of course—to the club, and duck in some back entrance so that it would look like Kyle was at the party and not taking Virgin Val home. I could only imagine the rumors that would spread if people found out we’d skipped the party together.

  Most likely the cabbie would sell us out by morning, but for the time being, we made it back to Huntington Beach and through the nearest In-N-Out drive-thru without being caught. The cabbie had a thing about food in his car, so Kyle gave him a huge tip and we promised we’d wait to eat it once we got to my house.

  My parents were still up, and they were shocked to see me home before midnight, dragging my arch nemesis in with me. “Where’s Isaac? And Stephanie and Robin?” my mom asked after a very awkward introduction.

  “I think Stephanie and Robin are with everyone else at the party. Isaac’s probably at home. He and I sort of broke up.”

  “No, it’s okay,” I insisted when my mom gasped. “It’s what he needed.”

  My mom’s eyes drifted suspiciously to Kyle again and I laughed. “It wasn’t his fault. Well, not entirely. I’ll tell you about it later, okay?”

  “Okay,” she agreed warily. She gave me a big hug and whispered, “Are you okay?”

  “Yes and no,” I admitted. “I think Cara and I aren’t friends anymore. Kyle and I are just going to eat our dinner and then he’ll leave. Can we talk after?”

  “Of course. Your dad and I will just be in the other room. Call if you need anything.” She hesitated, sending another suspicious glance Kyle’s direction before dragging herself from the room.

  “I don’t think she likes me very much,” Kyle muttered as we sat down at the kitchen table.

  I snorted. “Why on Earth do you think she would? I don’t even like you very much half the time.”

  Kyle looked offended, but I couldn’t help laughing. “Think about it. To my mom, you’re the slimy rock star who publically announced that you want nothing more than to compromise her daughter’s virtue. You’re also the guy who kissed me on national television, without my permission, when I had a boyfriend, which caused a media circus so big I needed the Huntington Beach police to barricade my house from reporters. Also? She’s listened to every song on the ‘S is for Sex’ album, which is literally dedicated to me. Songs like, ‘Get Over Yourself and Get Under Me’ and ‘Cock Tease’ weren’t exactly big hits in this house.”

  I enjoyed Kyle’s grimace a little too much. “Geez, when you put it that way I sound like an asshole.”

  I gave him my best “Duh!” look.

  “Did I mention I was sorry?” Kyle asked sheepishly.

  “Yeah,” I said, moving him to the dining table and handing him his burger. “As part of your show in front of thousands of people so that the media would have yet another Kyle Hamilton/Virgin Val fiasco to report about, and you’d sell more albums. You realize you totally exploited me tonight, right?”

  What I said was true, but Kyle knew I was just teasing him.

  “Exploited you?” He laughed. “Val, I’m hurt. That was a very sincere apology.�
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  “You couldn’t have apologized privately?”

  “I had to do it that way or my fans would never have stopped bashing you.”

  I eyed him skeptically. “Maybe.”

  “Not maybe. They wouldn’t have stopped. Not that I can blame them after seeing that picture. Sure looked like a steamy romp in the woods.”

  I sighed and Kyle finished off his fries in silence. When he was done he sat back in his chair eying me curiously. He folded his arms across his chest and said, “There is one question that picture begs an answer to.”

  I waited, knowing he’d elaborate whether I asked him to or not.

  “What’s the furthest you’ve ever been with a guy?”

  I supposed this question was inevitable. “If I tell you, are you going to announce it to the entire world? Not that I’m embarrassed, but it is my private business.”

  “I won’t tell a soul. I swear on my mother’s grave.”

  “Is your mother even dead?”

  “No.” Kyle smiled. “But I promise. Not a word to anyone, ever. I’m just morbidly curious.”

  I sighed. “My ex, Zach, got to second base a couple times before he dumped me.”

  Kyle’s jaw dropped. “That’s it?” he gasped. “You’re boyfriend copped a feel once or twice? I’ve been further than that with random strangers on the dace floor!”

  “How romantic. And you wonder why I don’t swoon at your advances.”

  Kyle was too bewildered to keep the conversation going. We finished our meal in silence, and Kyle stared at me the entire time like I was a very complex puzzle he was trying to work out.

  After we finished Kyle pulled a tin of mints from his pocket and tossed a couple in his mouth. When he offered them to me I eyed him suspiciously. “Habit,” he insisted, laughing at my distrust of him. “Kind of goes with the territory of having a public face. I pop these things like pills.”

  I accepted the mint and got up to throw out our garbage. After I hit the button on the trash compacter I turned around and Kyle was right there. He didn’t give me a chance to say anything or push him away. He just took my face in his hands and kissed me without warning. One second I was cleaning up dinner and the next I was being devoured like I was dessert.

  Here’s the thing, there was no anger in this kiss like the time he’d planted one on me at the jewelry launch. This time there was only desire—desire and a certain kind of sweetness that gave it a dreamlike feeling.

  I completely gave in. For once in my life I didn’t resist Kyle at all.

  Well, I’d just been dumped first of all. I was feeling a little vulnerable. I don’t care how amicable it was, being broken up with never feels good. I needed to feel desired, and no one has ever made me feel more wanted than Kyle.

  That’s the other thing. Kyle didn’t do anything half-heartedly, and this thing in particular he’d wanted to do forever. It felt like he was putting his whole heart and soul into this kiss. I was helpless against him, and in the moment I didn’t want to be anything different. I sighed into Kyle’s mouth and melted against his body.

  The instant I responded reverence turned to passion, and Kyle kissed me like I’d never been kissed before. He kissed me until my breath was gone, my head was swimming, and my knees had given out.

  Kyle’s arms slipped around me and held my limp body tightly to his. “Look who’s swooning,” he whispered against my lips in a low voice. The sound of it made me shiver.

  “You cheated.” I gasped. I couldn’t even open my eyes.

  Kyle brushed his lips against mine once more and then moved them to my ear. In that same dangerous whisper he said, “Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted to do that?”

  “Since the day we met?” I guessed breathlessly, as his mouth found the soft spot behind my ear and went to work raising goose bumps all over my body.

  “Since the very first moment you insulted me,” he agreed between kiss after heavenly, torturous kiss.

  Kyle’s hands began to wander and I started to come back to reality. “Okay, Kyle, that’s enough. You got your kiss, now you need to stop,” I warned, but I made no attempt to move. Even I knew I sounded like I didn’t mean it.

  “Why?” Kyle asked, continuing his assault on my neck.

  He threaded his hands through my hair and tilted my head back so he could reach my throat. My eyes rolled back in my head. “Because,” I rasped. “You’re making it very difficult to be good. I’m a virgin, not a saint.”

  Kyle chuckled deep and throaty. His breath tickled my skin. “No,” he agreed. “And you’re not a cold fish either, are you?”

  “I never said I was.”

  Kyle’s hands found their way beneath the hem of my shirt and I finally managed to come to my senses. I grabbed his fingers and gently peeled them off me. “I think you should go now.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s late, and you probably have a lot of packing to do, and I’m tired, and my parents are right in the other room, and because I don’t want to go there.”

  Kyle managed to disentangle himself form me and raked his hand through his hair. “Val, why are you doing this? Why are you waiting? What’s the point?”

  I sighed. I didn’t want to have this same old argument again.

  “I get why you started V is for Virgin,” Kyle went on. “Fighting back makes sense to me. But why choose to wait in the first place? What good does it do you to wait until you’re married?”

  “You really want to know?”

  “Yes. I really want to know, because if you can’t give me a good answer, I’m not going to be able to walk away from you tonight.”

  My hand instinctively reached for my necklace. “You know I’m adopted, right? I’m sure you’ve read that much in the papers—that my birth mom got pregnant with me when she was fifteen.”

  “Yeah, I heard that. But there is birth control. You don’t have to end up like that. I don’t have any little Kyle Juniors running around out there.”

  “That you know about,” I quipped.

  “No way. I make sure I’m safe. If I bring a kid into this world, I want to do it right—take care of the little guy and all that. I can’t do that if I’m on the road touring, and going to parties and clubs all the time.”

  Well. At least he had that much moral foundation.

  “Sex doesn’t have to result in kids and you know it, so what’s the real reason for not doing it?”

  “Have you ever made a promise to yourself?” I asked. “One that was important to you? That you weren’t going to break no matter how many people thought it was stupid or said you couldn’t do it?”

  I knew he had. Shane once told me how determined Kyle was to make his band a success when everyone told him he couldn’t.

  Kyle nodded his head slowly, deep in thought. “So you made a promise to yourself, and you don’t want to break it. Okay, I can understand that too. But why that promise? I want to know why it’s so important to you.”

  I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with Kyle Hamilton, of all people, but as I sat there thinking about my answer I realized just how important his question was. Why was I so determined to keep this promise? He was right about the birth control thing—I didn’t have to end up like my birth mom. But there was so much more to it than that.

  I also realized in that moment exactly how much I wanted Kyle to understand my reasoning. Kyle specifically. I wanted him to know why it was so important to me. Strangely enough, for all his faults, I wanted him to understand me. I wanted his respect.

  “Hang on just a minute,” I said. I walked him into the living room and prompted him to have a seat on the sofa. “I’ll be right back. I have something I want to show you,”

  I came back minutes later with my birth mother’s letter. I handed over the aged paper and said, “My birth mother chose my adoptive parents. They met her twice. Once to be interviewed, and once when I was born. She gave them this letter and my necklace.

  Kyle
read the letter and waited for me to speak again. It took me a minute before I could do so without crying. “My birth mom couldn’t remember her first time. She couldn’t even remember whom it was she slept with. I’ve had to live my life with this knowledge hanging over my head. I promised myself I would wait because I don’t want my first time to be anything even close to that. I want it to be the opposite. I want it to be the most special moment of my life.”

  Kyle was quiet a minute and then he said. “I can’t blame you for wanting that, but what does it have to do with getting married?”

  “Let me ask you something,” I said. “Why is the thought of being with me so appealing to you?”

  Kyle laughed, bringing the tension out of the atmosphere. “You want me to list all the reasons I’m attracted to you? Shall I start with your legs?”

  “No, I just mean the virgin thing,” I said matching his smile. “Why is the thought of being with a virgin so appealing?”

  “Uncharted territory.”

  “I’m serious.”

  “So am I,” Kyle insisted. “The thought of being with someone who’s never been with anyone else is hot. Getting to be the first person to make a girl feel like a woman? To be in complete control, and watch her experience new sensations for the first time? Teach her things?”

  Kyle’s fingers brushed the length of my thigh. He watched me shudder. “You have no idea what I could do for you, Val. How I could make you feel.”

  I grabbed his too-curious hand and laced our fingers together so that he couldn’t continue what he was doing. “Physically,” I agreed. “I’m sure. I don’t doubt you know your way around in bed. But I want sex to be more than that. My body—my virginity—is a part of me that no one in the world besides me knows. It’s something that once I give it away, I can never take it back. I’m not just going to hand it over to someone for a few moments of physical pleasure. I want the person I finally share all of myself with to be someone I trust completely. Someone who understands me, and loves me, and who I love just as much.”

  “Yeah, but why marriage? You don’t think you can find someone who loves you without being married to them?”