For Her (Broken Promises #2)

by M Dauphin

  “After tomorrow. We’ll get back into the swing of it after tomorrow.” He chose his words carefully and I fucking hate it. I don’t want these assholes to act any different around me.

  Looking at him, noticing that he isn’t sporting the best face tonight either, we’re all fucking falling apart over this. Something has to change. Without words, I stand and head over to the stage, grabbing my guitar from the rack; it takes me a second to move from my spot. I have a strange connection to my guitar… maybe it’s because this is what helped me get through my mom’s death. I’m not certain, but I know I’ve missed it. Without looking at Gabe, knowing he’s watching me, but needing to get this out so fucking bad, I take the stool. My fingers start to play the chords I’ve been playing through my head the last few days. I haven’t picked up an instrument in a long ass time, but it feels so natural, the way the roughness of the strings swipes across my fingertips. The reverberations of the speakers when the low notes hold on longer than they want to hit my core. Music alone can calm me, but I’m a storyteller. I always have been. Music can only tell half a story, it’s the lyrics that make it whole. Closing my eyes, I bring myself back to that night, I summon the lyrics that have etched their way into my soul this last week. Unwritten and unplanned, I strum and sing until the words stop flowing. Eyes closed, shutting out the entire world around me, I finally get out some of the hell coursing through me lately, it feels so fucking right.

  I’m wasting my time, I know it’s true

  They all said there’s nothing I could do

  Nothing to bring you back, nothing to make me whole

  When the lights fade, nothing stays the same

  We’re not in this together anymore

  Not together, worlds apart, you left

  Left me here to hang on by a thread

  A thread you loved so dear

  And she’s frayed and breaking with every passing second

  I let the music flow through me and when I stop, I pause, not wanting to open my eyes to the reality that is my life. With a dead best friend and another best friend that I’m certain I’m falling in love with, because what type of asshole does that make me? I don’t want to be that guy. I don’t want to have these fucking feelings.

  “Damn.” I hear Gabe’s voice from the bar and shake my head, setting the guitar down before hopping off the stage. I still haven’t looked at him. I can’t.

  He knows.

  “I’m out,” I grumble as I pass by him. Chancing a glance at him, he’s giving me a look that tells me exactly what I thought. It’s the look of surprise. I pause and look at him, eyebrows raised, lips pursed together, he nods slowly.

  “You good, man?” His eyes narrow at me as I shake my head at him.

  “Nah,” I say. “I’m working on it, though.”

  Before he can say anything else, I’m out the door and in my car, staring at the keys on my passenger seat. Keys to the apartment I haven’t been to in over a week. Keys I ripped off my main keychain, because I’m fucking tired of being reminded it’s never going to be the same. I loved my life before this loss struck and blew up any form of happiness I had. Going back there? Going back there… I’m not ready for that yet.

  So I head back to the hospital, ready to spend another night sleeping on a cot next to the only thing in my life I hold dear anymore.

  ***

  The funeral is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure. Alexis is able to join me after pulling some strings at the hospital, but there was no way I was going to let her not come to it. We sit up front, directly next to Lane’s parents and brother. The rage running through me wants to punch his entire family in the mother fucking face for being here. They don’t deserve to be here. They didn’t know him. They thought they did, but they didn’t.

  I can’t look at the casket. I can’t listen to the service. My ears are buzzing, the only thing I can hear are Alexis’s hiccups as she cries into her tissue as quietly as she can. My hand squeezes hers when they start to lower the steel black and silver casket into the ground, I feel her heavy breaths trying to calm her tears.

  There goes part of my life. This is it. This makes it real. I’m fucking dumb as shit, because it should have been real that night, or every night since, but it hasn’t. This is it, though. He’s gone and… and… and he’s gone… Shit.

  “Help me, Bray,” she whispers to me, her eyes full of tears, she starts to stand so I do as I’m asked and stand with her, supporting her as she stands strong and makes the move towards the casket, fully lowered into the ground. I still can’t honestly believe this is my life right now.

  Fuck.

  Taking the red rose from her bag, she grips it, a tear slipping down her face, and tosses it down into the hole.

  “I love you, Lane Sheridan.” Her whisper does me in. Jesus fucking Christ I’m such a goddamned tool. Letting a tear slip down my cheek, I have no fucking cares anymore if anyone in this entire crowd sees me crying. Here I am, the man who’s supposed to be here for her, and she’s being so much stronger than I am.

  “I’m ready to go.” Gently, her hand squeezes mine as her eyes hit mine. Fuck she’s so beautiful; I want to vomit from all these feelings. I don’t do feelings. I do sex, I do friendships, but I’ve never been good about expressing my feelings so I just haven’t. Holy shit.

  We make it back to the hospital just in time for her first physical therapy session, so while she goes in to that I grab food for us. Italian was always one of her favorites so I pick up almost one of everything on the menu and head back to the hospital to wait for her. A nurse comes in, smiles gently at me while she remakes her bed. They don’t try to make small talk with me anymore. I’ve been nothing short of a beast since Al got here, though they’re warming up to me now that she’s awake, there was a time when I thought I’d never get a smile out of them.

  That’s not surprising, though, since they got an earful from me when they weren’t going to let me in the room with her.

  I had to. I have to. I need to be with her.

  “Hey,” Alexis’s voice is cheery, but tired as the nurse wheels her into the room. Hopping up, I don’t give him the chance to help her out of the chair before swooping in and guiding her to the chair in the corner of her room. “Thank you,” she says tiredly. “That was a pain in the ass,” she says, smiling.

  “When do you get the prosthetic?” I hand her the to-go box and she opens in, taking a huge whiff of the food in front of her, moaning in response.

  A sexy fucking sound that I wish wasn’t directed at food.

  Fuck me.

  “They’re sending me home with a temporary one. It’ll be a while before I get my final,” she answers, shoving a breadstick into her mouth. “Holy shit I’ve missed real food.” She groans again, I have to adjust myself before my fucking cock strangles itself. Jerk. “They told me as long as everything goes ok I should be discharged tomorrow or the next day.” She’s talking carefully, taking a bite right after the words quietly slip from her mouth.

  Going home.

  “Home? You’re going home,” I whisper, suddenly feeling dizzy. I can’t help her. I’m failing completely; I don’t know how to fix it.

  “I… Bray…” She looks up at me, I want to cry and hug her and never let go.

  Alexis

  I can’t look at him. I feel so damn bad that I’m letting him down, but what does he expect? I can’t walk without assistance. Even when I get my prosthetic, I’m still in need of assistance until I get used to being on my own with it. I can’t ask him to do that. It’s going to be months before I’m fully mobile again… I can’t be that burden on him.

  My first therapy session was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure, because attempting to move a leg that isn’t really there, or half way there, is the hardest emotional thing ever. Looking down and seeing nothing. Feeling phantom pains and phantom itches then reaching down to scratch and come up empty handed. Things like that mess with a person’s mind. I used to be a
whole person, and now I’m not. I cry myself to sleep at night after Braydon thinks I’m asleep and passes out himself. I look at myself in the mirror and don’t know the girl I see. I need to get through this, but I need to be grounded in order to do that. Living at Braydon’s place will result in him resenting me, because he won’t bring girls back with the cripple best friend there. He won’t go out with friends because he’ll be too worried I’ll try something and hurt myself. I know him. He holds those he loves close, and after losing Lane like we did, I know he wouldn’t let go of me easily if I were in his care.

  That’s why moving home, for the time being, is the only option I see fit. I can’t go back to Lane’s. I can’t live there without him. I can’t get my apartment back since I broke the lease, and there’s no way I’d be able to afford anything else in this town without a job now. No, I can’t do any of that, I’m back to square one. Living in my parents’ house, learning how to live with this new life I’ve been unfortunately handed.

  “You don’t have to do that, you know?” His voice is raw, full of unshed tears, it breaks my heart I’m doing this to him, but I can’t back down. He has to live. He won’t do that with me there. “I’m fully capable and willing to take… to care for…” He clears his throat and shakes his head at me, his entire demeanor screams sadness, it’s breaking my heart. “I can do it, Al.”

  “I know, Bray. I do. But…” I trail off and make the mistake of looking up at him, feeling so many emotions I’m not sure what to do with, the one that shines through is one that I’m deathly afraid of.

  Fuck. Me.

  “But nothing, Al. You know I’d take care of you.”

  Shit. No… this is even more why I have to get away from him. I can’t feel this way for him. My brain is taking his kindness and friendship and turning it into something that it thinks I need! Shit!

  “I know, Braydon. I know this… but I need some time to focus on learning to live within my means. I can’t… I’m not… I’m…” Shit. Have his eyes always been that beautiful? Oh my God I can’t stop shaking. And sweating. The window’s open, but it feels stuffy in here.

  I think I might faint.

  “You’re what, Alexis? Are you hurting? Can I get you something?” His hand rests on mine, suddenly the room stops spinning, all I can see are our hands connected and all I feel is peace. Peace that right now in this moment things are okay, I’m going to get better, and one day in the future maybe I’ll have that happiness I have always strived for. The happiness I had, but was taken away from me abruptly. Maybe one day, but first, I need to find myself again.

  “I’m sorry Braydon, but I can’t do that do you.” Taking a breath, I pull my hand away from his and look out the window, trying to refocus myself.

  I have to do this. I can’t be dependent on him. He has too much going on to have a needy adult waiting on him to do shit for them.

  “Al, I… you can’t… this is your home.” His hand comes to my cheek, gently turning my face to him. His eyes are so damn beautiful, his dark eyebrows… that hair. God, no wonder he has no issues with finding girls to spend the night. He’s beautiful and rugged and everything a girl would want in a man.

  I just can’t feel like them, though. It’s not right.

  “I can’t, Bray. You of all people should understand that. Have you even been back there?” I can’t say his name, I don’t want to talk about it, but from the looks of it he hasn’t been home yet either.

  “No, but you don’t have to move back in to his place, Al. I have a spare bedroom… I have an extra bathroom. It’d be like I’m not even there.” His eyes are pleading, but I can’t. I can’t do that to him, he doesn’t understand why.

  Because I’m most afraid that, after everything is said and done, that I’ll end up falling in love with a man I shouldn’t. With my dead boyfriend’s best friend.

  How fucked up is that?

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, feeling the tears threatening. I hate that ever since the accident I can’t stop crying, but it is what it is. I know moving in with him would be fun and awesome, but I need to find myself first. “Maybe in a few months I can try, but I’m going to need so much, Bray. I just can’t expect you to stop everything for me.”

  “I want to, Al. I want to help you in any fucking way I can.” He huffs, standing up and running his hands down his face, his features tense. “Fuck,” he mutters.

  “I’m sorry, Braydon.” It’s all I can say. He knows I’m not coming back with him. He knows tomorrow when they release me I’ll be moving almost two hours away. He knows it’ll never be the same. Hell, even if I did stay it’d never be the same. The one man that brought us together… the man I went and fell in love with… isn’t even alive anymore. Nothing’s ever going to be the same.

  He shakes his head, then turns and walks out of the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  I feel like such a bitch. I know he’d help. I know he wouldn’t bitch about rent while I get back on my feet. But I also know I don’t want to feel like I’m depending on someone like that. Never have, never will. I have to make it on my own, then we can talk about me moving back to town.

  Time passes… I’m not even certain how long since I can’t seem to focus on anything today, but before I know it it’s dinner time and my mom is here. I’m not certain when she got here. I probably fell asleep for a bit, but I can’t honestly stay focused on anything since he walked out like that. I have this terrible feeling I’m never going to see him again. I feel like I just broke up with him, but we weren’t even together.

  “I brought you clothes for the morning, sweetheart.” She lays the bag on the table opposite my bed and sighs. “Have you decided what you’re going to do?” She’s mentioned a few times of me coming home with them. She’s also mentioned the fact that Braydon’s a great person to have around, but I know she’s hoping I come back with her. She’s my mom, after all.

  “I’m coming home, mom. With you and dad.” I can’t find my full voice so it comes out a whisper. The words alone make me want to cry. I worked so hard to stay here in LA, but it’s just not feasible anymore. Not until I can find another job and learn to live with my new lifestyle.

  “Oh honey,” my mom whispers, then walks over and wraps me in her arms. She’s always given the best hugs.

  And most emotional.

  “Mom it’ll be ok. I’m ok. I just need your help getting up and running again.” I sniffle, hating that she’s made me cry just from one damn hug.

  “I know Alexis. It’s all ok. You’ll find a job in town. Pete’s parents are still three doors down and he visits a lot so you’ll have people you know close by.” She watches me as she realizes what moving back in with them really means. “Braydon,” she whispers.

  “I know. It’s ok. He has a life. He has a job and a side job and too much going on. This is for the best, mom.” It has to be.

  “He’s such a good kid, Alexis. You’re his world… he hasn’t left your side this whole time. He’s going to be shattered…” She trails off, watching her fingers as they play with the knit blanket on my bed.

  “It’s not that far. We’ll still see each other.” I have to stay positive about everything or I’m just going to turn into a depressed mess. I’m leaving behind everything I’ve known for years to head back home and move back in with my parents. There’s a lot of things depressing about my life right now, but I can’t focus on that.

  I’m alive. I have to live for me.

  “Well,” my mom huffs. “I’m looking forward to having you home, Alexis. It’s been too long.” She hugs me again then starts fussing over my sheets and clothes, making sure everything is just so. It’s an entire hour of my mother. Something I’m not used to enduring. Something I kind of missed.

  “How’s my baby girl?” My dad asks, walking in with a bag of takeout in his hands.

  “Peachy, daddy.” I smile, missing his smiling face. “You bring mom dinner? She refused to eat hospital food when it was offered and I kno
w she’s getting hangry.”

  “Hangry is an understatement,” he laughs. “I know how she can get. And I brought reinforcements.” He nods towards the door as it opens and Braydon walks in, making my heartbeat immediately spike. How does that happen? How can one person walking into a room make my entire mood and being feel so… different?

  “Hey,” I say, smiling at him. He gives me a tight-lipped smile and nods.

  “Mrs. Grant, if I could have a couple minutes with Alexis…” he trails off, still standing by the door. My dad clears his throat, nods my mom to the door, enticing her with the bag of food he’s carrying. She smiles at both of us before following my dad out to the waiting room.

  Leaving just the two of us.

  “You’re heading home,” he says, walking over to me. Why do I feel like crying again?

  “I am,” I whisper, feeling guilty for leaving him all alone here in LA.

  “’I’m driving you.” Plain and simple. No request, more of a demand.

  “All the way to Santa Barbara? Bray, my parents aren’t close. It’s not like we’re going to a neighboring city… it’d be a long haul for you and I’m sure you’re busy-”

  “Listen,” he cuts me off, “you’re going to let me help you, Al. I’m fully aware where your parents live, and your dad has already agreed to let me join you three tomorrow. Stop trying to push away my help, because I’m not going anywhere.” His brown eyes bore into mine, I feel guilty that that’s exactly what I was trying to do.

  “I just don’t want you going out of your way for me.” I feel like a scorned child the way he’s looking at me.

  “I want to go out of my way for you, Al. You’re it. Deal with it.” And then, without any warning, he leans in, presses his lips to mine so soft and gently it’s like he’s afraid he’s going to hurt me. The touch of his lips on mine springs my senses to life, eliciting feelings that I’m not supposed to be having for him. Wanting his lips on more of me that just my lips. Wanting his hands roaming over me. Wanting so much more than I should, but loving everything that I’m getting. His hands cup my face, the kiss lingers on my lips before he pulls away, eyes still closed, and sighs.