by Noelle Adams
It probably would have happened then.
And they might have been a couple now for four years.
The thought of that ached in his chest, in every inch of his body. He’d lost that time with her.
But even if they’d gotten together back then, he would have blown it long before now. They wouldn’t have stayed together all that time.
He would have eventually hurt her too much for even Penny’s sweet heart to forgive him.
That was what he did.
It was better this way. They had this one night. He’d have the memory of it for the rest of his life.
And he would never have to prove to her that her faith in him was ungrounded.
He had this one night.
It would have to be enough.
A FEW HOURS LATER, he was waking up again. When his eyes opened, he saw that Penny was already awake.
She was lying on her side, facing him, flushed and tousled and smiling. “Hi,” she said, reaching over to caress his beard.
Her touch felt so good that he raised his hand to cover hers on his face, wanting to keep it there. “Hi.”
“Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah. Not too bad. What about you?”
“I slept great. I didn’t wake up at all until about ten minutes ago.”
“Have you just been lying there for ten minutes?”
“Yes. I was too cozy to get up.” Warmth and affection were spilling out, spilling over the edges of her features, in the same way a pretty, cluttered mess followed her wherever she went. Like she was simply too much to contain.
That was how his heart felt as he gazed at her from his pillow.
She scooted over closer and kissed him.
He couldn’t help it. He’d woken up halfway aroused, and the sight of her flushed and rumpled in his bed got him the rest of the way there. He turned on his side, wrapped his arms around her, and deepened the kiss.
She responded eagerly, rubbing herself against the length of his body. He slid his hands down her back until he was cupping her bottom.
She’d gone to sleep in just a T-shirt. No pants or underwear or anything. His body tightened even more at the feel of the soft, irresistible flesh of her ass.
She’d found his hard-on and was pressing herself into it.
“Do you always wake up hard?” she asked, a smile in her voice as she pulled out of the kiss.
“I do when I wake up with you.”
She squeezed a hand between their bodies and slipped it under the waistband of his pants. His breath hitched when he felt her little fingers wrapping around the length of him. Even though he’d jerked off twice last night and then had the best sex of his life, he wasn’t confident of his ability to hold out for very long when she was touching him like this.
“I like that you’re big,” she murmured, using her other hand to stroke his chest and shoulder.
“Big, huh?”
She giggled. “I meant all over. Not...”
“Well, since your hand is there, I’m going to assume that’s what you’re talking about.” He was smiling and tense with arousal at the same time.
“I like that you’re big all over, so that includes...”
He wanted to chuckle but was afraid it might make him lose it. “That includes what?”
“You know.”
“So you can touch it, but you can’t say it?”
She leaned over and whispered into his ear, “That includes your cock.”
He laughed out loud. He couldn’t help it. And the pleasure tightened in his balls so deeply that he reached up to clutch the headboard with one hand, as if the hardness of it might hold back the rush of pleasure.
“What’s the matter?” she asked, her eyes wide.
“I don’t think you realize how much you turn me on. I’m already close to losing it.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“That’s good then.” She pulled her hand away and tangled her fingers in his hair as she leaned into another kiss. “Let’s go with that then.”
He kissed her back, rolling her over so he was on top of her and then stroking her body under the T-shirt until she was squirming and making the prettiest breathless moans he’d ever heard. Then they found the second condom Penny had pulled from her bag the night before, and soon he was sliding inside her as she wrapped her legs around his hips.
It was so much. So deep. So perfectly hot and tight and delicious. He couldn’t form words. Couldn’t think through moves. He could only kiss her with naked need and let his body do what it needed.
Their rhythm was fast and hard since Penny was just as eager as he was. She dug her fingernails into the back of his shoulders so deeply it hurt, but it only spurred him on even more, the pleasure even sharper.
He was grunting like an animal and shaking the bed with the force of his motion when her gasps turned into loud, sobbing sounds as her body shook through a climax.
He moaned with relief and then with a rush of sensation as he fell out of rhythm and let go of all his tension.
He came hard, jerking clumsily and choking out helpless sounds as the pleasure pulsed through him in waves.
He was drained and hot and sweating when his hips finally worked through the climax and he collapsed on top of Penny.
She was panting and stroking his back, her legs still wrapped around him. “Oh, wow, that was amazing.”
“Yeah. Yeah.” It was all the speaking he was capable of at the moment.
“I wasn’t sure if it could be as good as the first time, but that might have been even better.”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t believe I came so hard.”
“Yeah.”
“And you seemed to have a good time too.”
“Yeah.”
Her hands grew still on his back. “Don’t you have anything to say except for yeah?”
“Y—” He chuckled breathlessly. “I’m still trying to pull myself together.”
“Oh. Well, that’s okay then.”
He lifted his head from her neck so he could see her face. “I’ve never had sex like this in my life.”
“Me either.”
They stared at each other for a long time, and Kent knew—he knew—that the sex was so good because there was something real and deep between them. Something intimate. It had been there all along—all the years they’d been friends growing up—and had just last night finally blazed into fullness. Nothing else could explain how it felt to have sex with her.
Nothing else could explain that it was so much more than physical pleasure.
But the realization scared him. Terrified him.
He had no idea what it meant and what he was capable of doing about it, after living so many years on his own. He carefully pulled out of her and then rolled over to the edge of the bed.
Penny must have sensed his change of mood because her smile was casual. “It looks like the sun is going to be out this morning,” she said.
She was trying to make it easier for him, give him something less intense to talk about, and he appreciated it.
“That’s good,” he said. “We’ll get some melting then.”
If the snow began to melt, then she’d be able to leave. Their time together would be over.
It was a terrible thought. A bleak reality. He hated it.
“What’s wrong, Kent?” Penny’s eyebrows lowered as she scrutinized his face.
“Nothing. Why?”
“Because it looked like you thought of something that made you miserable.”
“Oh. I didn’t. Just... tired, I guess.” The words were stiff and artificial. He wasn’t naturally a liar, and he’d never been any good at it.
“Why aren’t you telling me the truth?”
“I am.”
He’d just lied to her face because he was afraid of how he was feeling. He hadn’t thought he was like that.
His dad had been that way. Always being on guard. Always having his wal
ls up. Never letting anyone in—not even his sons.
Kent didn’t want to be like that, and the thought that he might be was even more terrifying than the idea of admitting how one night with Penny had changed his whole world.
He’d always vowed he’d never be like his father.
He’d cut himself off from any close relationship to keep himself from hurting people the way his dad had hurt him.
And after just one taste of Penny, he’d started doing what his father always did.
He wasn’t going to let it happen.
He wasn’t going to hurt her.
Even if it meant he could never take what he really wanted.
Penny’s smile had faded now, and she was quiet for a minute. Finally she said, “Okay. I’ve got to go to the bathroom. Do you want me to take care of that?” She gestured down toward where he was still holding the tied-off condom.
He handed it to her, and she walked toward the bathroom. She was just wearing his oversized T-shirt, and Kent’s eyes devoured her body as she walked. He felt sick to his stomach from the way he’d handled the conversation, but he still couldn’t help but look at her shapely legs, her rounded, luscious ass, the way her full breasts jiggled with her motion.
She was subdued now. Disappointed in him. She’d wanted him to open up with her, and he hadn’t.
And he still desperately wanted to touch her again.
What the hell was wrong with him?
He was still sitting on the side of the bed when Penny came out of the bathroom. She walked over to sit beside him.
She looked at him for a few seconds and then ducked her head to stare at the floor. “Do you want... Do you want to see me again?”
Penny never played games. She never tried to hide her feelings. She faced herself and the world with the same big heart and bright courage.
Kent had never been like that.
He cleared his throat and realized his answer. His only answer. “I don’t... think we should.”
Her shoulders drooped, and she took a deep breath that she slowly released. “Why not?”
“There’s no... future.”
“Why not? We had a really good night, didn’t we?”
“Yes. Of course we did. It was...” The words were spilling out, and he couldn’t stop himself from saying them. “It was the best night of my life.”
That must have surprised her because she turned her head toward him with a jerk. “It was?”
He nodded, his stomach churning even more now.
“Then why... why can’t we have more than last night?”
“Because there’s no future.”
“Why do you keep saying that? How do you know what’s going to happen in the future?”
“I know me. I can’t do relationships.”
“And I told you last night that that’s just not true.”
“Look at how well I’ve done so far.”
“But that’s just because you’ve been hiding. You haven’t let yourself even try. If you... you liked being with me last night, I don’t understand why you don’t want to even give it a try.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
Her features were mostly calm, but her eyes were too large, too aching. “Too late for that, Kent.”
Those words stabbed through his heart like a blade. He winced and turned away.
She raised a hand to his face, forcing him to look at her again. “I’m not expecting any sort of commitment from you right now, Kent. We might have been friends all our lives, but we haven’t seen each other in years, and all we’ve had so far is one night. We’d just be starting out. No commitment. No expectations. Just... just a start.”
Kent stared at her blindly, her hand on his face burning him, branding him, even through his beard.
The fact that she’d said that—thought they would just be starting out—only confirmed that he was making the right decision.
He was already gone. Completely gone on her. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to want another woman for the rest of his life. Penny was everything to him now.
And she thought they were just starting out.
There was no way he could do this. He couldn’t do normal, healthy, natural relationships.
He would end up hurting her.
And hurt himself even more.
“I’m sorry, Penny,” he managed to say, his voice too rough, too broken. “I can’t. I have to live alone.”
She opened her mouth like she would argue, but then she closed it again. She dropped her eyes and her hand. She stared down at her lap as she twisted her fingers together.
Then she finally said, “Okay. I understand. I think you’re wrong, but I understand. You have to do your own thing even if it’s stupid.”
Despite the words, her tone was gentle.
She didn’t sound like she hated him—even now.
There was no way in the world he deserved her.
“I’m sorry, Penny.”
“You already said that. I’m a big girl. I’ll be okay.”
“I know you will.”
She straightened her shoulders, letting her mood fall off her intentionally. “All right. That’s settled. We can drop it. Only now we have to try to get through the morning with this huge millstone around our necks. Talk about awkward.”
Despite the despair that kept growing in a dark corner of his heart he was trying to ignore, he couldn’t help but huff in amusement at that. “If anyone can manage this awkward situation, Penny, it’s you.”
She smiled at him. Poignantly. “Thanks for the vote of confidence. I’m not a bad person to have around, you know.”
She was the best person in the world to have around. The only person who could have ever broken down the walls he’d built up over the years to guard his heart.
The walls were rubble now. Ruins at his feet. And he was completely exposed to her.
It was a miracle she didn’t despise what she saw.
He murmured thickly, “I know, Penny. I know.”
Nine
PENNY WAS IN THE BATHROOM, trying to clean up in the dark with cold water and put on the clothes she’d worn yesterday (which had dried overnight), when the lights came back on.
She jumped in surprise at the sudden sound of electricity and the appearance of her face in the mirror above the sink. She looked pale in the artificial light—without the softening glow of the candle she’d brought in with her. Her eyes and lips looked too big, and the freckles on the bridge of her nose stood out too starkly.
She hardly recognized herself.
It had been less than twenty-four hours since she’d gotten stuck in the snow, but it felt like a lifetime had passed. Like she’d lived and loved and died with the setting and rising of the sun.
Pretty soon she’d go back home. Return to her regular life.
No Kent.
She’d learned to live without him in her life before, and she could do it again. If he didn’t want a relationship with her, then there was nothing she could do to change his mind. She wasn’t going to beg or cry or plead with him to care about her enough to give them a chance.
He had a choice, and he’d chosen against them. So she would accept that and move on.
She’d been perfectly happy before. She would be happy again. She just had to wait it out, give herself some time, let the memory of their night together fade.
She wasn’t a particularly practical person, but there were some things you had to be practical about. This was one of them.
Kent Matheson wasn’t the love of her life. He was an old friend she’d had sex with twice. If there was any possibility of his being more, then he wouldn’t have slammed the door on her the way he had.
After giving herself this mental pep talk, she nodded at herself in the mirror and left the bathroom. Kent was wearing boots, hat, and coat, and he was putting on a pair of gloves. “I’m going to start digging us out,” he said.
“Okay. I can help if you have more than one snow shove
l.”
He opened his mouth, looking like he would give her an automatic objection, but then his expression changed and he nodded instead. “Okay.”
So she bundled up in her outerwear and went outside with him. He handed her a snow shovel, and she started on the front walk while he worked on clearing the snow behind his Jeep.
She worked on the stoop and the short sidewalk that led to the driveway. The sun was shining brightly this morning, and the wind had died down, so it wasn’t long before she got hot from the effort. After she’d cleared the walk, she paused for a few minutes, catching her breath and cooling down. She watched Kent, who’d already dug out the Jeep and was working on the driveway. He was working as if his life depended on it, all his focus and energy channeled into the simple act of shoveling snow.
He was hurting. She knew he was. She could have helped him if he hadn’t pushed her away.
Her chest hurt. Her stomach hurt. Her shoulders and lungs hurt from the work she’d done.
She watched Kent until he must have felt her gaze. He paused and turned to look at her. “You okay?”
“No,” she told him. “Are you?”
“No.”
The stared at each other for a long moment until he turned back to his shoveling.
She exhaled slowly. Waited a few seconds. But he didn’t say anything else.
He wasn’t going to change his mind.
So she walked across the driveway on the pavement he’d already cleared, and she positioned herself across from him so she could start shoveling again.
They finished the paved part of the driveway. The rest of the winding drive that led to the road was gravel, and it was too long to dig out anyway. With the temperature rising already and the way the sun was shining, it wouldn’t take long for the snow to melt into slush. Then Kent could just drive over it with his Jeep and get down to the road.
Chuck and Ed, who managed the manual labor on Holiday Acres, would clear the private roads on their property as soon as possible. She’d probably be able to get back to the farmhouse by this afternoon.
Then this interlude would be over.
It was entirely possible she’d never see Kent again.
AT TWO O’CLOCK THAT afternoon, Kent drove her back to Holiday Acres. They’d tried to get the pickup truck out of the ditch, but one of the tires had gone flat, so Kent had offered to take her back and said she could return when the snow was melted and bring Chuck or Ed to change the tire and drive the truck back.
