Straightening my back, I shot up. The hum. The hum was there. It wasn’t possible unless she was….
No. No there was no way. It couldn’t be. But I felt it, I felt her.
Concentrating on it, I closed my eyes. It was weak. Barely there. But I felt it. Like I felt it before she was gone.
Slowly, it was coming into focus, like a piano getting tuned. The sound was off, it was out of key, but it was still there. It was still there. I squeezed my eyes and focussed. Come on, Ace. Come on. I feel you, talk to me baby. Come on.
“Illarion?”
I jumped. I hadn’t heard anyone talk to me like this since… since she died. It was a distant, familiar feeling that felt strange and normal all at once.
“Hello?”
I heard it again. But it wasn’t her. It was a young man.
“Please, if you can hear me, my name is Daniel. We need help. Ace needs you, she doesn’t have much time.”
My heart hammered in my chest and I balled my fists at my side.
“Where is she?”
“You’re there. Thank God. We’re at the Southport Motel, please hurry.”
The connection faltered, and then it was gone.
My body tensed. I knew it, I had hoped but now I knew.
Ace was alive. She was alive.
Chapter Nine
Illarion
Tears found their way to the surface, breaking the barrier that I had fought so hard to contain, tears for her.
Darkness consumed every thought in my mind, my existence had barely been one worth noting, and I had merely been transitioning from day into night. I had simply existed. Life was no longer something that merited my efforts.
I’d clutched at the last, fading memory of her, her smile forever imprinted in my mind, letting my own mind torture me repeatedly because that’s all I deserved.
She was alive.
Everything I was doing now was for her.
I stuffed a tablet, basic first aid supplies and my cell into a duffle bag and rushed outside into the warm, summer day. I threw the duffle into the passenger side and slid in, keying in the coordinates for the Southport Motel.
My mind raced as I drove. Endless possibilities rushed through my head. How was she alive all these months? Who contacted me? Why wasn’t she able to do it herself?
As each question rolled around inside me, I grew more and more furious. My heart fell into the dark void I’d kept all my shame locked up in.
Those dreams… they were all a reflection of what was happening to her and for months I was here, unable to help her, too caught up in my own misery to read the god damn signs.
I hit the steering wheel with my palm. How the hell did I miss it? When I should have been holding onto her memory and trying to figure it all out, I was letting Anna in.
Every time I saw Ace, she was different. Not drastically, but enough to see that she was changing. Her hair was a bit longer, her skin a little paler, her body had changed too. She was sick, she was losing weight. How the hell did I miss all that?
I sped down the highway, Christ, if only I had been smarter, if I pulled my head out of the bottle I would have figured it all out.
The GPS instructed me to take another right turn and continue until I arrived in approximately twelve hours.
Twelve hours and I would see her. I held in a shaky sigh and increased my speed. Just hold on Ace, I’m coming
***
Ace
Gradually, I cracked my eyes open, my mouth felt like I’d eaten a bag of cotton and the killer migraine from before was intensifying. When I tried to clear my throat I stopped, my insides felt like sandpaper and the more I tried to suck in deep breaths, the more they wouldn’t go in.
Close beside me Daniel sat with his legs crossed, reading a magazine.
When I shifted, stretching out my neck, he moved toward me with a bucket.
‘Hey, you good?’
When he helped me up, I nodded.
We didn’t even bother with the bed anymore, I never got more than two hours of sleep anyway and the couch was easier for him to monitor me on.
I gladly took the bucket and heaved into it.
He was right. This was getting worse. And as my body shook with uncontrollable tremors, I wasn’t confident about beating this at all. Even if Illarion got here on time, I was pretty certain I was on my last legs.
Another angry stretch of nausea reared its ugly head, and I crawled off the couch, falling into Daniel’s arms as I pushed my head into the bucket.
Tears formed rapidly and cascaded down my cheeks in quick succession.
Daniel held me, wrapping his arms around my shoulder.
‘Did it work?’
‘He’s on his way. Just hold on a little longer.’
I wanted to answer him, to tell him that I was trying but God, I couldn’t even form a sentence.
‘You’re doing great,’ he murmured, gently pulling my hair back. ‘He’ll be here in no time.’
The tremors in my hands grew as I tried to grip the bucket tighter. I was terrified and my shallow breaths made it even harder to take in air.
Confident that no more would come, I drew back from the bucket and let him help me up to the couch again.
‘Do you want to go outside? Get some fresh air?’
I managed a half-nod.
Before he helped me up, he handed me the three pills again, just like yesterday and the day before. I took them with a glass of soda and let him pull me up to my feet.
‘Are you alright to walk?’ he asked, as we inched our way toward the front door.
I wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation; I was a complete wreck, solely reliant upon a twenty-year-old kid whose father happened to be the man responsible for my less than pleasant, current state.
‘I think so,’ I whispered, closing my eyes against the blinding pain in my head. I winced and even that small movement felt like an ice-pick hitting my brain.
He pulled me against him and slowly led me outside.
As we stepped into the warm, gentle summer breeze, a flood of emotion rendered me speechless. I never thought I’d be free. I guess deep down, I doubted everything, I doubted my own ability to make it.
But somehow, here we were. A few families sat together around the park just behind the motel, kids chased each other around the trees screaming and laughing as they played tag.
Conscious of how I looked, I cringed inwardly. I was a half-dead zombie walking around, but Daniel had taken provisions.
When my fever dissipated, he’d wrapped his sweater around me, hiding the hideous wounds on my arms and a baseball cap and sunglasses hid my face.
To most people, I would have looked like a patient on day leave or something that was confirmed by a few sympathetic nods and smiles toward us.
As we rounded the corner, an elderly lady came up to us with a wide smile.
She nodded to Daniel and then turned her attention to me.
‘Lovely day isn’t it, dear?’
Forcing what I hoped looked like a smile, I managed a nod.
‘Are you both enjoying your stay here?’
‘We are, thank you.’ Daniel smiled tightening his hold on me.
‘If either of you need anything, my husband and I are the owners.’
‘Thank you.’ I smiled.
Daniel led me to a park bench and gently eased me down.
‘I’ll be back in a minute. I just want to see if there’s a store nearby.’
‘Where did you get the stuff yesterday?’ I croaked, cringing as the sound met my ears. All the throwing up had lacerated my oesophagus.
‘A rest stop a few hours away,’ he said, softly. ‘You weren’t doing so well on the drive over, I had to stop to get you water. You don’t remember?’
I shook my head.
‘It’s okay, you were out of it,’ he said, as he squeezed my shoulder bringing my attention back to him.
It wasn’t okay. It was the heroin, I realized it
was a possibility when I agreed to taking it, I just hoped it wasn’t permanent.
‘I’ll be back in a minute,’ he said, quietly, and then left.
Leaving me alone to my thoughts, I let my mind wander to Illarion.
Up over the horizon, I noticed a thick cover of trees and shrubs, down below I heard the intoxicating sound of waves crashing into a shore. It immediately brought a smile to my face; there was a beach.
‘Do you have a pharmacy nearby?’ I heard Daniel ask the lady.
‘Not here, the nearest town is two hours away.’
‘Do you have any medicinal supplies here?’ Daniel asked, keeping his voice low.
‘What kind of medication does your friend need, dear?’
‘We need aprepitant or dolasetron.’ Daniel said softly.
‘Anti-nausea medication?’
‘Yes, please.’
‘I have some left over from my chemo treatment, if that helps?’ the woman offered, lowering her voice.
‘Everything will help, thank you so much.’
‘You’re welcome, is your friend alright, dear?’
I sucked in a breath as Daniel paused, he was contemplating what to tell the woman. He considered making something up but that would probably raise too many questions, instead he told her a partial lie.
‘She’s in rehab, but they said she’s well enough to be at home.’
‘Rehab?’
‘Had a rough few months, kind of resorted to drugs.’
‘But she’s on the mend now, that’s the important part, dear.’
‘Absolutely. She’s doing really well.’
The woman remained quiet for a few moments and then spoke up.
‘You do know what you’re doing?’
Daniel chuckled. ‘Yes, I’m her sponsor.’
‘Ah,’ the woman laughed. ‘Well you two let me know if you need anything, we’re just around the corner.’
‘We will, thank you so much.’
Daniel had so much faith in me, probably a lot more than I had in myself.
‘Hey,’ he said, softly, sitting beside me.
‘Rehab?’ I cocked my eyebrows at him.
He shielded his smile and turned to the skyline.
‘Had to tell her something.’
‘How’d you know she would have the stuff?’
‘I hoped. Spoke with her briefly when we checked in. She’s recovering from cancer.’
My stomach knotted.
Twisting back to lean against the bench, I nodded to the horizon.
‘It’s so beautiful.’
Birds dotted the cloudless sky while the trees swayed gently above us and children’s laughter filled the air.
My heart sunk. I couldn’t pull my mind away from the sorrow inside and the choices that were ripped from me.
‘There’s a beach,’ he said, softly, squinting to get a better view.
‘Yeah,’ I whispered.
‘We can check it out if you want?’
‘Maybe later,’ I croaked out.
‘Of course. You need to try to eat something.’
‘I’m tired.’
‘I know.’ He stood up pulling me to my feet.
When I groaned at the movement, he tightened his hold around me.
‘Even out your breathing and focus on walking. Just one foot and then the other, nice and slow.’
Letting him lead me, I leaned against him for support.
Slowly, we walked back. The same sympathetic nods met us as we walked by. I cringed, I was frailer than the little old lady.
Daniel held onto me as he led me back through the door and sat me down on the couch again. I pulled off the sunglasses and tossed them aside.
He handed me a plate with two slices of toast and a bottle of red Gatorade.
‘Try to eat as much as you can.’ He sat beside me. ‘When she comes back with the dolasetron, it will help even more.’
I slowly chewed the dry bread, washing it down with the Gatorade.
‘You’re doing really well.’
‘I’m a mess, look at me.’
He chose to ignore the jab.
‘You’re doing well.’
‘I’ve never felt so useless in my life, I’m completely dependent on you and these drugs.’ I put the plate on the couch beside me and leaned back, resting my head on the cushion.
‘There’s nothing wrong with asking people for help.’
There wasn’t. When someone could be helped.
‘Hey.’ He stopped me mid-thought.
‘I’m beyond help, Daniel, look at me.’
He leaned against the windowsill and folded his arms across his chest.
‘I’m looking, and I don’t see it.’
‘You’re blind then.’
He rolled his eyes. ‘You’re being dramatic.’
I shot him a look. ‘I think I have a right to be dramatic, just a little. Don’t you think?’
‘That’s not what I-’
‘Not what you meant?’ I shot back. ‘It’s fine, say it. Say what you think, Daniel.’
He shook his head pushing away from the window walking toward me.
‘You think I’m overreacting?’
‘Ace, that’s not what I said.’
‘No?’ I grit my teeth.
‘This isn’t you.’
‘The hell it isn’t.’
I stood up and pushed past him, somehow managing to move around on my own. I picked up the plastic bottles holding all the pills he’d been giving me and threw them at him.
‘You think this will save me?’ I spilled them into my hand.
‘Ace. Don’t.’
‘Nothing can save me, Daniel. Not a damned thing. I’m too far gone for that.’
‘Ace, stop.’
‘You stop!’ I screamed, and threw them at him. ‘Stop trying to save me, there’s nothing to save!’
‘You’re going to hurt yourself.’ He moved toward me but I threw the bottle at him.
He dodged it and moved across the room grabbing my arms.
‘Get off me!’
‘Stop Ace, you’re hurting yourself.’
An ugly sensation of panic set in as he held them, pinned to my side. Feeling his strength overpowering me, I stopped struggling and dropped to my knees. And then came the tears.
Another torrential downpour.
‘This isn’t you, try to relax, just listen to me.’
I nodded, letting it all out.
‘Christ.’ He breathed pulling me into his lap. ‘We knew this wasn’t going to be a walk in the park.’
‘I’m sorry.’
He smoothed my hair down my back.
‘You don’t have anything to be sorry for, just stay with me. Keep breathing, keep fighting. Talk to me about Illarion, just keep talking.’
A laugh caught in my lungs. ‘He’s okay, he’s been okay.’
He pulled the cap off my head, pulled me up, into his arms, and helped me to the couch again.
‘What are you talking about?’
My mind wandered to the hazy connection.
‘Anna’s been taking care of him…,’ I mumbled. ‘Anna…Anna’s there.’
‘Try to get some sleep.’ He scrubbed his chin letting out a breath, not questioning my incoherent thoughts. ‘He’ll be here soon.’
My mind slowed and all I could think about was Illarion…
I had lost track of the hours and of the days, I had no idea where I was in the general concept of time. I basically floated in and out of consciousness, waking most times because the nausea forced me throw up the few pieces of toast I managed to eat throughout the day, or the nightmares.
Daniel’s father kept coming back to me in my dreams, always chasing me, always tormenting me. I could never run fast enough, I could never hide well enough, he always found me. No matter how much I reminded myself that I was safe, that he wouldn’t walk through that door in the night, I still felt the hardness of the floor under my knees and the vice around my heart s
queeze until the air around me became stagnate and the back of my throat closed up, choking on a scream.
***
It was sometime in the afternoon when I awoke with a start once again, reaching for the bucket and throwing up. I gripped the edges of the plastic and exhaled. This was getting worse.
Daniel’s eyes found mine as I pulled myself free from the bucket. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.
I couldn’t quite make out what he was thinking, but the concerned look was more than enough to worry me.
Taking the bucket away, he left me kneeling on the ground.
It had been days since I could get up and shower or do anything for myself that didn’t involve the toilet. It was disheartening, to say the least, I felt helpless, and that was the worst thing I could imagine.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, softly. Knowing he could hear me.
The energy shifted in the room and I knew he had.
‘I know you hate this as much as I do,’ I added.
He came in and stood leaning against the doorframe.
Clearing my throat, I bowed my head.
‘It’s not fair to you, I’m sorry.’
‘Please stop apologizing,’ he said, finally. ‘I promised you I would help you, that I wouldn’t leave until you were better.’
‘You’re not obligated to stay with me.’
‘I know that,’ he said, replacing the bucket with a clean one. He stopped me when I opened my mouth to protest. ‘And before you say I’m doing this out of guilt, I’m not. I’m doing this because I care about you.’ He sat beside me.
A shaky sigh left my lips. ‘Yeah. I got that.’
‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘It’s fine.’ I bowed my head. I was the asshole here, not him.
‘It’s not. I’m sorry.’
‘We had sex.’ I said flatly.
His eyes sort of widened before he leaned back and sighed. ‘I’m not expecting anything from you, Ace. That’s not why I’m hanging around.’
I turned to look at him and our eyes met briefly. He’d seen me at my absolute worst and he was still here, still looking after my sorry ass. At this point in time, it felt like he was the only one left.
Slowly he got to his feet. ‘I’m going to get some food from the store.’
‘Okay.’
He left, and I sunk deeper into the couch, pressing my hands to my eyes and I cried.
King of Hart Page 11
