The Last Invention

by Adrian

  “Adrian, no,” Melanie suddenly said, pushing my arm away. “It might have been the demon the other night.”

  I flopped down in utter disappointment, my back to her. It had taken me a whole lonely night down in the tower to get my courage up for a thing like that—thinking, pondering, obsessing, programming strange devices—and Melanie had shattered the moment like a bowling ball hitting a house of cards. I could hear fate laughing at me: “I created a thirteen-billion-year sequence of events leading up to that moment, and this is how you disappoint me? Fool! Go find another universe to be a loser in!” Crushed and heart-broken, I let the tiny movements of the waterbed control my body. The spores overtook me and got jammed in my nose and eyes—I was too glum to swat them. They sizzled away and let off a sickeningly sweet odor. Melanie put her arm around me and covered us with the white sheet.

  “Sorry,” I finally muttered.

  Melanie held me tight, just like the night we survived the arctic cold under the blanket, just like through all the other hardships we faced on this tower.

  “Wasn’t it better how it used to be?” she asked.

  Of course, I knew she was right. Our relationship had become diseased after that thing she did to me the other night—demon or no demon. But there was no going back, just like I had feared. The golden box had been forced open, and my uncontrollable desires were melting every poor spore that came in contact with me.

  “Yes,” I said in a disappointed voice.

  “I roleplayed the demon when it was in my body,” Melanie said. “It is a liar. It just made that deal with us to get the Roleplaying Ring, which is already at level black. It was too lazy to make one with The Last Invention and earn that level.”

  “I forgot about that body switching thing. What else did you learn?”

  Melanie squeezed me tightly.

  “Adrian, they’re going to kill us no matter what we do. They’re taking over Earth. Humans are the ultimate source of Quintessence—that energy needed to create these futuristic inventions.”

  “No, Ricky and the pig would never do that,” I said. My body started shivering.

  “It’s not just their publishing company. A giraffe has already gone to Earth and started a toy company, distributing futuristic gadgets in innocent-looking boxes. A rabbit started a cereal company and is giving away gadgets as prizes. There are stories and video games being made about all of it, so that this planet can be entertained at the same time. The Master Guardians are rewarding anybody who goes to Earth and finds an interesting way of destroying humans—they’re giving away reputation credits, like an extraterrestrial business incentive. Don’t you see what will happen when too many Earth kids get these powerful things? Earth will be chaos. Humankind will be doomed.”

  “And they’ll pump the quintessence back here so this planet can keep making their gadgets.”

  “Exactly.”

  “It’s so cruel to destroy us slowly, so they can enjoy watching us mess up our lives with those gadgets. Like, they couldn’t just make a giant laser and blow us all up at once?”

  “They’re bored. The whole planet is.”

  That was the end of talking for the night. It was too big and scary to swallow all at once. All humans were in danger and they didn’t even know it. I lay in Melanie’s arms while zillions of spores floated around us. After she fell asleep, I put my hand under my tunic and did the thing to myself that Logan had taught me, that I had done so many times back in my prison cell. It was going to become routine again, but this time only death—whether at the hands of uncaring aliens or not—was going to make me stop doing it. I tried not to think about invasion, destruction, and an alien takeover of Earth. Just Melanie, with her jeans rubbing against the back of my legs, and her arm draped over my side. Before long, in the distance, another layer of the tower slammed onto the bottom, causing the whole building to vibrate and shake, making me bounce on the waterbed. Melanie’s arm slipped off my shoulder. My last thought before dozing off was how Melanie and I were going to escape. We were trapped, even though we had the most advanced gadget in the universe.

  The next morning the tower top was totally overtaken by the cloud of spores. I couldn’t see the planet anymore from between the turrets. The sunlight reflected from spore to spore, a million tiny deflections that multiplied the green rays and blasted us with supreme energy. The magnified sun had made my skin ultra-mega-sensitive, so when I rolled over and touched Melanie’s bare arm, there was an explosion that killed every spore within the invisible barrier that enclosed our tower top. There was no doubt that this was an alien summer. We had been here for over one Earth year, but we never bothered to find out how long a year lasts on Asekz 13, or about the seasons or anything. I wondered if we should finally escape to the chilly, dark interior of the tower.

  Melanie slept late, so I sat on the floor and fiddled with The Last Invention. I programmed some real food because those sesame chicken morsels were starting to get old. Pizza and grape juice. Then I made a device called The Computerized Clothing Creator. I used it to make some ultra-tight blue jeans that were even better than Melanie’s. Mine had a digital display. I also made a shirt with an LCD screen that showed a number on it, which got bigger depending on how badly I needed a hug. If the number got too big for the display, then the shirt would explode into a million cotton fibers. I tried to make an Interrogatrix, but The Last Invention told me that it was trademarked, and it could only make a generic device called The Question Answerer 5000. No problem, it still answered all my questions. Just in a smaller font. And there was no paper clip with googly eyes.

  I asked dozens of questions.

  It turns out that Melanie was right. After Ricky and Oinkleberry ran their company for awhile, the Master Guardians above Asekz 13 learned just how useful human exploitation could be. After all, the protagonists of all six of their previous books were recycled into Quintessence—the stuff needed to make their super-advanced inventions. This was done by feeding the kids to Zaga Beasts from Nebulon Five, which release Quintessence in gas form. Some kids were tossed into the sun, and the Quintessence was then spread around through its hot rays. With those weird particles rapidly decreasing in this corner of the universe, it quickly became clear that humans could be used to replenish the supply. Over 50,000 super-advanced devices had been distributed on Earth during the time that we had been locked in this tower, and more were given out each day. A pipeline was constructed through the wormhole to connect our two planets and transmit Quintessence back here, as the humans destroyed themselves.

  Watching humans destroy themselves became the coolest thing to do on the planet. Everybody was talking about it, and kids on Asekz 13 competed to make their own super-advanced inventions that would be transported to Earth and given to human children there. The invention that kills the most people will win its inventor a prize. There’s also a prize for most creative kill. There are dozens of other prize categories, including longest kill, most romantic story that ends in the death of the protagonist, least violent kill, their own version of a head shot (five extra reputation credits awarded if somebody’s head explodes), and the funniest story that ends in death. They really are bored on this planet! I also learned that Ricky and Oinkleberry were in financial trouble again. Their company had so much competition because of the sci-fi story craze on Earth that they were in danger of going out of business again.

  Suddenly, my shirt started beeping. I needed a hug, quick. I jumped onto the bed and squeezed Melanie while she slept, causing the number on my shirt to shrink back to zero. The beeping stopped. Good thing the LCD screen on my pants didn’t seem to do anything. I rolled onto my back and watched a fresh cloud of spores blow in and swirl around the tower top. The whirlwind sent many of the spores down the side of the tower. I wondered what types of plants those spores could create, and why there were so many of them. Nature works in weird ways. Like, it created six billion humans that have about thirteen years to enjoy themselves before their minds mutate like
a midnight werewolf, and they have to roam the countryside panting and looking for some way to satisfy themselves.

  Maybe I just need to join a therapy group.

  “Hi, my name is Adrian, and my girlfriend is mathematically perfect, and all we can do it kiss and hug. And now I have a problem.”

  “Hi, Adrian,” everyone says in unison.

  Melanie rolled over and started waking up. She made a whimpering noise and put her hand across my stomach. The number on my shirt’s LCD screen changed into the negative numbers and started counting backwards. When her hand brushed against my arm, a green lightning bolt shot up and annihilated all the spores that had just rolled in on that last breeze. Tiny spore guts floated down all around me as I tried to stop myself from hyperventilating. I may have had it bad for Melanie before, but now it was so much worse. My mind had no restraint anymore. I could barely look at her. She seemed to have gotten more beautiful overnight.

  “Adrian, I had the most wonderful dream with you in it,” Melanie said sleepily, her eyes still closed.

  Suddenly, the LCD screen on my pants sprang to life, glowing bright green. A lady’s voice began speaking in a friendly tone. “Thirty seconds to core meltdown. Please evacuate your pants immediately.”

  A countdown began on the display. I quickly jumped out of bed and tried to get the jeans off. First, the futuristic zipper got stuck. Once I got that going again, the jeans were too tight to push off. They just bunched up around my knees. I fell over and rolled around on the floor, trying to force them off. The thick layers rolled over each other and created a complicated mess of space fabric. Meanwhile, the counter was approaching zero and that lady’s voice kept blaring: “All those within a thirty yard radius of the jeans, please proceed to the nearest fallout shelter.”

  Finally, the jeans came off along with my super-bounce sneakers and my plasma socks. I threw the whole mess over the side of the tower. It hit the invisible barrier and plunged down. It was quiet for a few seconds, and then there was a loud explosion. The tower swayed back and forth, and rock shards came flying up from below. Dust and pebbles landed on the bed. I quickly dove next to Melanie and wiped the dust off her face. Unfortunately, my finger touching her cheek caused another electric reaction that blew one of the tower turrets to smithereens. More rock shards rained down on us.

  Melanie fully woke up.

  “Adrian, what happened? Why is there writing on your underwear?”

  Embarrassed, I pulled the white sheet over myself.

  “I made some clothes,” I said. “My underwear displays the number Pi to a certain number of decimal places depending on, uh, how badly...”

  “I had the best dream. We got married in a white wedding, and there were doves. A big horse and buggy carried us off into the sunset afterwards.”

  “We’re getting married?”

  “You’re the one that gave me a diamond the size of a golf ball.”

  My shirt started beeping. I ripped it off and tossed it over the side of the tower. Another explosion. Rock shards, dust and pebbles. I did a quick power roll over to the middle of the floor and slipped into my old tunic. Then I ran over to Melanie and continued blowing the dust off her face. It was too dangerous to make contact under the fierce summer sun.

  “Seriously, Melanie. Are we really getting married? No joking or changing your mind. No demons this time.” A new breeze of spores blew in from somewhere and created a dense funnel that enveloped the tower top. I could barely even see Melanie two inches in front of my face.

  “Adrian, I won’t change my mind.”

  “Yes!” I swatted away a million spores, stood up on the bed, and then crashed down on the white sheet, causing a wave to ripple through the mattress. That meant Melanie was going to be mine forever. Nothing was going to take her away from me ever again. I leaned over and pecked her on the lips. I didn’t care about the consequences. Two lightning bolts shot out and destroyed a couple of tower turrets and the latest cloud of spores. My insides felt a quick jolt of electricity.

  Married. It seemed so grown-up. Why hadn’t I thought of that before?

  “First I want to get my degree in Theoretical Physics,” she said.

  And that was the end of The Tough Puppy—that kid who once pretended to have a dinosaur obsession just to get his dumb nickname changed. The truth was that those last bolts of electricity woke up the deepest, darkest fear that no human should ever feel. Inside I was a quivering puddle of helplessness. My fantasy on the faraway tower top, near the exotic alien planet, was over, and all I wanted to do was go home right away. Suddenly, I had everything to lose. I needed to be back home with my parents, with Melanie, my friends. I wanted to read the gravestones in the cemetery and watch the UPS truck roam around the neighborhood. I missed the antique technology of Earth, and how everybody thought their primitive gadgets were so cool. They didn’t understand a thing. I had already been convicted of murder, in prison, carried by a dragon, locked on a faraway tower, sent into orbit around an alien planet. If the kids at school ever found out, I’m sure I’d become The Very Tough Puppy.

  But it was more like the whimpering kitten.

  I broke down crying. Right there on the bed. Like a little kid.

  Melanie tried to comfort me, but nothing could make the fear in my stomach go away.

  “I want to go home, Melanie. Please. I don’t want to die. Not now. We have to save Earth, just you and me.” A new wave of spores blew in and choked the tower top. There was no end to those things.

  That’s when the worst thing happened. The tower began shaking, and it slowly lifted into the sky, traveling slowly through the thick cloud of spores, like a rocket taking off.

  Straight for the sun.

  The spores cleared away for a moment, and I caught a glimpse of the planet’s surface. All the teenagers on the planet’s surface were cheering, screeching, uttering demonic cries, singing beautiful songs, and wishing us off. They didn’t need us anymore. Melanie and I held each other tight, our bodies shaking. Lightning bolts erupted when our skin touched, and more of the tower top crumbled away. The wall and turrets were completely gone, and there was nothing left to prevent us from falling off the edge. It was either fall to our doom, or melt in the sun. We could take our pick.

  “Adrian, now is not the time to start narrating again!”

  I was chattering nervously, just to be doing something. It was time to finish the last part of the story. I had to get it out just in case we didn’t make it. I wanted the world to know what happened to two young lovers named Adrian and Melanie. The tower crept along, so slowly that I wondered if it would make it to the sun before night fell. I sat in the very middle of the platform, far from the dangerous edge, and held onto Melanie while she fiddled with The Last Invention and made all sorts of emergency gadgets that didn’t help at all. She needed to be doing something, too. I narrated until the spores themselves seemed to be hanging on my every word.

  It grew hotter, and our skin more sensitive.

  I felt lightheaded. Sweat poured down my cheeks.

  That’s when a miracle happened.

  The boomerang that I had long ago forgotten about flew up the side of the tower and landed right in Melanie’s lap. It was covered with space dust, dark matter, red sand, ice, clumps of sticky goop, and everything else it had picked up during its journey through the universe. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there must be a hole in the invisible barrier somewhere down the side of the tower, far below where the aliens thought we would ever go.

  “Of course,” Melanie said, examining the boomerang. “The barrier.”

  Melanie typed in a bunch of questions on The Question Answerer 5000. Then she whispered something into The Last Invention, and created a device called The Barrier Maker HD. She scanned the instructions that appeared with it. Then she threw the paper in my lap and fiddled with the device. I read the part she had been looking at.

  One-Way Invisible Encrypted Hyper Barrier

 
This particular barrier is the strongest and most impenetrable of all barriers capable of being created by The Barrier Maker HD. It is transparent from one direction, allowing wind, oxygen, and all other materials to travel into the enclosed area. However, from the other direction it is impenetrable, using an advanced form of HyperBoson to create an encrypted wall that no computer could unscramble within the lifetime of the universe. Warning: This barrier can be removed only by those who created it. You should never create a completely enclosed area using this type of barrier. As material blows into a ventless area, heat and matter will build up, never being allowed to escape. Such a buildup would eventually result in a catastrophic implosion and create a supermassive black hole capable of wiping out planets or whole galaxies. Our recommendation is to create two vents for matter and heat to escape—one small one at the top and one large one at the bottom.

  “You’re a genius, Melanie.” I take it back. It did take a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out.

  “If there’s a vent up top, it’s too late to use it,” she said. “But if there’s one down below, that’s the way out. It’s how the boomerang got out.”

  Melanie made The Particle Analyzer LS500 just to make sure the stuff on the boomerang was from a distant part of the galaxy. Then she made The Architectural Analyzer and Schematic Producer beta version. It was a small screen that analyzed the entire structure of the tower, including the invisible barrier which surrounded it. The green and black diagram looked like the type of old-fashioned computer line drawing that the alliance analyzed in Star Wars Episode Four, when they found that weak spot in the Death Star capable of exploding the whole thing. Only they did it a lot of faster than me and Melanie. I guess we were too busy smooching to think of this before.

  The invisible barrier went down the whole height of the tower, thousands of levels, leaving only a few feet of space between the tower and the barrier. When it approached the bottom levels, the barrier got closer to the tower, leaving only a few inches of space. Then it extended past the bottom floor of the tower, which had a fancy brass door and a doorbell, and created something that looked like a drain under the tower—for letting stuff out. It was hard to tell if it was big enough for humans to squeeze through. Likewise, the invisible barrier extended far above the top of the tower, toward the green sun, narrowing almost to a point. We were going to melt against the sides and spew out the top like toothpaste, if those evil aliens had their way.