Losing Hope: A Novel

by Colleen Hoover

  I missed Mom, which is the primary reason I came back. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve missed Daniel. In fact, I’m about to leave with him in a few minutes. Got to go catch up with the old crowd. It’s Saturday night, so I’m sure we’ll find somewhere for me to show up and give people something else to talk about.

  Daniel says there have been some pretty far-out rumors related to where I’ve been for the past year. He said he didn’t waste time dispelling any of them. He’s the only one who knows where I really took off to, so I appreciate that he didn’t feel the need to set anyone straight. I think he likes the fact that he’s the only one who knows the truth.

  One more tiny thing could be responsible for my coming back. My huge fight with Dad. Remind me to tell you all about it later.

  Oh, wait. I guess you can’t remind me. Fine, I’ll remind myself.

  Holder, don’t forget to tell Les about your fight with Dad.

  H

  Chapter Six

  * * *

  I can’t believe he talked me into any form of social gathering my first week back. I swore I wouldn’t be around these people again, but it has been a whole year. I’ve had a while to adjust, so maybe they have, too.

  I walk up to the unfamiliar house a few feet ahead of Daniel, but stop just short of passing through the front door. Of all the people from school I haven’t seen for the past year, the last person I expect to run into is Grayson. But of course the last thing I expect is always the first to happen.

  I haven’t seen him since the night before Les died, when I left him bleeding on the living room floor of his best friend’s house. He’s walking out as I’m walking in and for a few seconds, we’re face to face, staring each other down. I haven’t really thought about him much since I left, but seeing him now brings every ounce of hatred I had for him right back to the surface like it never even left.

  I can tell by the look in his eyes that he has absolutely no idea what to say to me. I’m blocking his exit and he’s blocking my entrance and neither of us seems to want to be the one to step aside. Both of my hands are clenched into defensive fists, preparing for whatever he has to say. He could yell at me, he could spit at me, he could even apologize to me. Whatever words come out of his mouth, it won’t matter. The urge I’m having right now isn’t to listen to him speak; it’s to shut him up.

  Daniel walks in shortly after me and notices the silent standoff occurring between us. He slips around me, then stands facing me, blocking my view of Grayson. He slaps my cheeks with both hands until my eyes meet his. “No time for jerk-offs!” He yells over the music. “We have beer that needs consuming!” He grabs my shoulders, still blocking my view from Grayson, and pulls me to the right. I continue to resist, not wanting to be the first to back down from our visual standoff.

  Jaxon walks up and places his hand on Grayson’s arm, pulling him in the opposite direction. “Let’s go see what Six and Sky are up to!” he yells to him.

  Grayson nods, watching me sternly as he backs away. “Yeah,” he answers Jaxon. “This party just got lame.”

  If this were last year, he’d be on the floor with my knee resting comfortably on his throat. But this isn’t last year, and his throat isn’t worth it. I simply smile at him while I continue to allow Daniel to pull me away and toward the kitchen. Once Jaxon and Grayson have exited the front door, I release a pent-up breath. I’m relieved at their decision to leave the party in search of whatever girls are pathetic enough to entertain them.

  I grimace with that last thought, knowing I inadvertently lumped Les into that category of girls. But fortunately, I don’t have to worry about the chicks Grayson hooks up with anymore. Les isn’t here to be deceived by him, so as far as I’m concerned, Grayson can hook up with whoever is desperate enough to have him.

  “Press mouth to rim, tilt head back, down your shot, and get happy,” Daniel says, handing me a shot of something. I don’t ask what it is, I just do what he says and down it.

  • • •

  One more shot, two beers, and half an hour later, Daniel and I have made our way into the living room. I’m on the couch with my feet propped up on the coffee table and Daniel is next to me, running through the list of people we’re friends with and telling me all about what they’ve been up to for the past year. I forgot how talkative alcohol makes him and I’m finding it hard to keep up. I bring my fingers to the bridge of my nose, squeezing the headache away. I don’t really know anyone at this party. Daniel says most of them are friends of the kid who lives here, but I don’t even know who lives here. I ask Daniel why we’re even here if he doesn’t know anyone and the question miraculously shuts him up. He looks past me into the kitchen and nods in that direction. “Her,” he says.

  I look behind me at a couple of girls leaning against the bar. One of them is staring straight at Daniel, stirring her drink flirtatiously.

  “If she’s the reason we’re here, why aren’t you over there?”

  Daniel turns around and faces forward, folding his arms across his chest. “No fucking way, man. We haven’t talked since we broke up two weeks ago. If she wants to apologize to me she can walk her pretty little ass over here.”

  I glance back at the girl again and notice that maybe she’s not looking at him flirtatiously like I first thought. Because flirtatious grins and evil grins are divided by a very faint line and I’m not sure which side of the line she’s standing on, now that I’m witnessing her glare.

  “How long did you date her?”

  “A few months. Long enough to find out she’s fucking crazy,” he says with a huge roll of his eyes. “And long enough to realize that the reason why I love her is because she’s fucking crazy.” He sees me staring at her and he narrows his eyes. “Stop looking at her, man. She’ll know we’re talking about her.”

  I laugh and look away, but not fast enough to avoid witnessing the duo making their way back through the front door. Grayson is following behind Jaxon and they’re both headed toward the kitchen. I rest my head into the couch and wish I had downed a few more shots. I really don’t want to be preoccupied with him for the rest of the night.

  Daniel begins talking incessantly again. I tune him out after he tells me about his new tires for the second time tonight, and I’m doing a pretty good job of staying inside my own head until Jaxon and Grayson move closer to the living room. They have no idea I’m seated on the couch and I’d really like to keep it that way. Now if Daniel would just shut up long enough for me to tell him I’m ready to leave.

  “I’m so fucking sick of it,” I overhear Grayson saying. “Every Saturday night it’s the same thing. I swear to God if she doesn’t give it up next weekend I’m done.”

  Jaxon laughs. “I’m pretty sure all Sky needs is a good dose of rejection. Girls like rejection.”

  I’m not sure who Sky is, but I like that she’s refusing to give it up to Grayson. Smart girl.

  “I doubt that would work with her,” Grayson says, laughing. “She’s pretty damn stubborn.”

  “Yeah she is,” Jaxon agrees. “You would think with everything we’ve heard about her that she’d be a little less difficult. That girl has got to be the sluttiest virgin I’ve ever met.”

  Grayson laughs at Jaxon’s comment, and I have to try extra hard in my attempt to tune them out. Hearing the way they’re talking about this girl infuriates me, because I know Grayson more than likely talked about Les this same way when he dated her.

  Grayson continues talking shit about her, and the more I sit here and listen to it, the more I have to hear that pathetic laugh come out of his mouth. All it makes me want to do is shut him up.

  I pull my feet off the couch and begin to turn around in order to tell them to fuck off, but Daniel puts a hand on my shoulder and shakes his head. “Allow me,” he says with a mischievous grin. He pulls his legs up onto the couch and spins around, facing Grayson and Jaxon.

  “Excuse me,” he says, holding his hand up in the air like he’s in class. He’s always
so animated, even when he knows he’s about to get his ass kicked. I may be able to hold my own against Grayson, but Daniel knows he can’t, yet that doesn’t seem to stop him.

  Both Grayson and Jaxon turn to him, but Grayson’s eyes stop short once they collide with mine. I hold his obnoxious stare while Daniel hugs the pillow on the back of the couch and continues speaking to them. “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation just now. As much as I’d like to agree that Sky is the sluttiest virgin either of you have ever met, I feel the need to point out that this observation is completely inaccurate. You see, after I spent last night with her, she can’t really be considered a virgin anymore. So, maybe it’s not her virginity she’s attempting to hold on to by refusing to sleep with you, Grayson. It’s more than likely her dignity.”

  Grayson is over the back of the couch and has Daniel pinned to the floor in a matter of seconds. I, being of somewhat sound mind, give Daniel the ten seconds he needs to reverse the situation before I interrupt. However, I’m disappointed in my lack of faith in Daniel because he has Grayson flipped over and on his back in less than five. He must have been working out while I was away.

  I slowly stand up when I see Jaxon make his way to the front of the couch to assist Grayson. He grabs Daniel by the shoulder to pull him off Grayson, but I grab the back of Jaxon’s shirt and yank him until he’s seated on the couch. I step closer, just as Grayson delivers a punch to Daniel’s jaw. Daniel is about to return the swing, but I grab his arm and pull him up before he has the chance.

  Over the years this has become a game to Daniel. He urges people on and counts on me to step in and put a stop to his fights before he gets fucked up. Unfortunately, since I always seem to be in the background during these incidents, my name has become associated with all of the fights and his quick temper. In reality, I’ve only actually ever hit three people.

  1) The asshole who talked shit about Les.

  2) Grayson.

  3) My father.

  And I only regret the last one.

  People are rushing through the front door to get a glimpse of the action, but they’ll be disappointed, because I’m pushing Daniel out of the house before he can do or say anything else. The last thing I need right now is an excuse to fight Grayson. I’ve been back less than a week. I sure as hell don’t want to give my mother another reason to force me back to Austin.

  Daniel is wiping blood from his lip and I’ve still got hold of his arm when we reach his car. He yanks his arm free and grabs the bottom of his shirt, pulling it up to his mouth. “Dammit,” he says, pulling back the shirt to look at the blood. “Why do I keep instigating shit that risks fucking up this beautiful face of mine?” He grins and wipes the blood from his mouth for a second time.

  “I wouldn’t worry about it,” I say, laughing at how worried he always is about his looks. “You’re still prettier than me.”

  Daniel grins. “Thanks, babe,” he says teasingly.

  Someone is walking up behind Daniel and for a second my fists clench, thinking it might be Grayson. I relax when I see it’s just the girl Daniel was referring to who was staring at him from the kitchen earlier. I don’t know why I relax, though, because this girl has a definite murderous look about her. Daniel is still wiping the blood from his mouth when she walks up beside him.

  “Who the hell is Sky?”

  Daniel snaps his head in her direction and his eyes grow wide with surprise. “Who? What the hell are you talking about, Val?”

  She rolls her eyes and lifts her hand, pointing toward the house. “I heard you in there telling Grayson you screwed her last night!”

  Daniel glances at the house, then back to Val, and it suddenly hits him. “No, Val!” Daniel says, walking forward and grabbing her hands. “No, no, no! He was talking shit and I was just trying to piss him off. I don’t even know the girl he was talking about. I swear—”

  She’s walking away from him and he’s following after her, pleading with her to listen to him. I decide now is a good time to head home. I caught a ride here with Daniel, but it looks like he’ll be preoccupied for a while. I’m only four miles from my house so I text him and tell him I’m headed home, then start in that direction.

  This entire night has reminded me of all the things I don’t want to be around. Drama. Testosterone. Grayson. Everything about high school in general, really. I’m supposed to fill out my transfer paperwork on Monday, but I honestly don’t know that I really want to go back. I know there are ways I can test out. There’s just no way in hell my mother would allow that to happen.

  Chapter Six-and-a-half

  * * *

  Les,

  Okay, so here goes.

  Last week, our dear stepmother Pamela walked in on me and a girl. She wasn’t just any girl. Her name was Makenna and I’d been out with her a few times. She was cool but it was nothing serious and that’s all I’m going to say about that. But anyway, Pamela got home early and Makenna and I were sort of in a compromising position on the living room sofa. You remember the sofa that Pamela kept the plastic on for three years because she was too scared anyone would get stains on it?

  Yeah. It wasn’t pretty.

  Especially since Makenna and I had made our way into the living room after leaving a trail of clothing from the pool, down the hallway, and to the couch. So, not only were we both completely naked, but I had to walk down the hall and back outside to find my shorts and Makenna’s clothes. Pamela was screaming at me the entire way outside and the entire way back into the house and the entire way to Makenna’s car.

  It embarrassed the hell out of Makenna and she kind of called things off with me after that. But that’s fine, because I have this cool tattoo now that says Hopeless (remember the nickname I gave you and Hope?) and it reminds me not to get too close to anyone, so I hadn’t allowed myself to develop any real feelings for her yet. It was really just about the sex.

  I can’t believe I just said that to my own sister. Sorry.

  Anyway, as you can guess, Dad was furious when he got home. He has one rule and one rule only in his house.

  Don’t piss off Pamela.

  I broke the rule. I broke it hard.

  He actually tried to ground me, and I might have laughed a tiny bit when he said it. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, because you know that, as much as he disappointed me throughout the years, I still wouldn’t do something to outright disrespect him. But the fact that he tried to ground me four days after I turned eighteen just really struck a funny chord and dammit . . . I laughed.

  He didn’t find it amusing at all and he was pissed. He started yelling at me, calling me disrespectful and ungrateful, and it pissed me off because I mean shit, Les. I’m eighteen! I’m a guy! Guys do shit like have sex with girls in their parents’ houses when they’re eighteen. But Christ if he didn’t act like I’d murdered someone! So, yeah. He pissed me off and I might have lost my temper.

  But that’s not the bad part. The bad part happened after I yelled at him in return and he bowed up to me. He actually had the balls to bow up to me. Not that he’s bigger than me, but still. I’m his son and he bowed up to me like he wanted to fight me.

  So what did I do?

  I hit him.

  I didn’t hit him very hard, but it was hard enough that it hurt him in the most sensitive spot possible. His pride.

  He didn’t hit me back. He didn’t even yell at me. He just pulled his hand up to his jaw and he looked at me like he was disappointed, then he turned around and walked away. I left an hour later and drove back home. We haven’t spoken since.

  I know I should probably call him and apologize, but didn’t he start it by bowing up to me? Just a little bit? What kind of dad does that to his own son?

  But then again, what kind of son hits his own dad?

  God, Les. I feel like shit. I never should have done it. I know I need to call him, but . . . I don’t know. Shit.

  To my knowledge, he never even told Mom what happened. because she hasn’t
mentioned it at all. She was surprised to see me back when I walked through the front door a few days ago. Happy, but surprised. She didn’t ask what prompted my return, so I didn’t volunteer the information. She seems different now. I can still see the heartache in her eyes, but it’s not as prominent as it was when I left last year. She actually smiles now, which is good.

  Her happiness will be short-lived, though. It’s Monday and school started today. The first day of senior year. She left for work before I woke up. I actually had my alarm set and everything ready. I made it to school and did my morning workout, but all I could think about while I was running the track was how much I didn’t want to be there.

  I don’t want to be there without you. I don’t want to face everything I hate about that school and the majority of the people in it.

  So what did I do when I finished my run? I walked back to the parking lot, got into my car, drove home, and went back to sleep. Now it’s almost three o’clock in the afternoon and Mom will be home in a couple of hours. I’m about to head to the grocery store for a few things because I’ll be cooking her dinner tonight. I plan to break the news to her about my dropping out of school. I know she won’t be happy about my testing out, rather than getting a traditional diploma, so I put cookies on the grocery list, too. Women love cookies, right?