Losing Hope: A Novel

by Colleen Hoover

  I wasn’t counting while he was talking, but I’m pretty sure that was more than just one thing. “Can you just trust that I really do care about her?” I say. “I want what’s best for her and although it kills me that I’m not what’s best for her, I want to see her happy.”

  Breckin smiles, then reaches beside him and picks up the e-reader. “Well, I think once I give her this awesome present I spent my life savings on, she’ll forget all about Dean Holder. I’m pretty sure it’ll be all about sawdust and sunshine once she dives into the books I’m about to load on here.”

  I smile, even though I have no idea what he means by sawdust and sunshine.

  Chapter Thirty-and-a-half

  * * *

  Les,

  Breckin is pretty cool. You would like him. I went to his house Friday night and gave him the gift I bought for Sky. We talked things out for a while and I don’t think he wants to kick my ass anymore. Not that he could have. But that’s what solidified my respect for him. The fact that he was so mad he wanted to fight me, even though he knew there wasn’t a chance in hell he would win.

  I wasn’t sure how going over there would turn out, but I ended up staying until almost midnight. I’ve never really been into video games, but we played Modern Warfare and it was nice just letting my mind take a break for a while. Although I’m not sure how much of a break it took because Breckin made it a point to bring up how much I talked about Sky. He doesn’t understand why I won’t just apologize to her if I obviously like her as much as I do. Unfortunately, I can’t explain it to him, so he’ll never understand it. But he seems okay with that.

  Neither of us thinks it’s a good idea to let Sky know we hung out. I don’t want her upset with Breckin, but now it feels like I’m somehow cheating on her by being friends with him. But I can assure you, Les. I wasn’t there for his gay parts.

  H

  Chapter Thirty-one

  * * *

  “What do you want to do?” I ask.

  “I don’t care what we do,” Daniel says.

  “Me neither.”

  We’re sitting in his driveway. I’m leaned back in my seat with my foot propped on his dash. He’s in the same position in the driver’s seat, only his hand is hanging loosely from the steering wheel and his head is resting against the headrest. He’s staring out the window and he’s being unusually distant.

  “What’s wrong with you?” I ask.

  He continues to stare out the window and sighs a heavy, depressing sigh. “Broke up with Val again,” he says disappointedly. “She’s crazy. She’s so fucking crazy.”

  “I thought that’s why you loved her?”

  “But that’s also why I don’t.” He drops his leg to the floorboard and scoots his seat forward. “Let’s get out of here.” He cranks the car and begins backing out of the driveway.

  I put my seatbelt on and slide my sunglasses off my head and over my eyes. “What do you want to do?”

  “I don’t care what we do,” he says.

  “Me neither.”

  • • •

  “Is Breckin home?” I ask his mother, who’s now eyeing Daniel from the doorway in the same way she was eyeing me last Friday night.

  “Well, aren’t you becoming a real regular,” Breckin’s mother says to me. There isn’t any humor behind her voice and quite frankly, she’s a little intimidating.

  We stand silently for several awkward seconds and she still doesn’t invite us in. Daniel leans his head toward mine. “Hold me. I’m scared.”

  The door widens and Breckin replaces his mother after she turns and walks away. He’s now the one eyeing Daniel suspiciously. “I’m definitely not doing you any favors,” Breckin says to him.

  Daniel turns to face me, shooting me a quizzical look. “It’s Friday night and you bring me to powder puff’s house?” He shakes his head disappointedly. “What the hell has happened to us, man? What the hell have these bitches done to us?”

  I look at Breckin and nudge my head sympathetically in Daniel’s direction. “Girl trouble. I thought some Modern Warfare could help.”

  Breckin sighs, rolls his eyes, then steps aside to let us in. We make our way inside and Breckin closes the door behind us, then stops in front of Daniel. “You call me powder puff again and my new second-best friend ever in the whole wide world will kick your ass.”

  Daniel grins, then cuts his eyes to mine. We have one of our silent conversations where he tells me this kid isn’t half bad. I smile, completely agreeing with him.

  • • •

  “Let me get this straight,” Breckin says, trying to clarify the confession Daniel just made. “You don’t even know what the girl looked like?”

  Daniel smiles boastfully. “No clue.”

  “What was her name?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “No clue.”

  Breckin sets down his game controller and turns to face Daniel. “How the hell did you end up in the maintenance closet with her?”

  Daniel’s face is still awash with a smug grin. He seems so proud of it, I’m shocked this is the first time he’s mentioned it to me.

  “Funny story, really,” he says. “Last year I was never assigned a fifth-period class. It was a mistake on administration’s part, but I didn’t want them to know. Every day during fifth period while everyone else went to their scheduled classes, I would hide out in the janitor’s closet and nap. They never cleaned that section of the hallway until after school, so no one ever went in there.

  “I guess it was about six or seven months ago, right before the end of the school year, I was having one of my fifth-period naps and all of a sudden someone opens the door, slips inside, and trips over me. I couldn’t see who she was because I always kept the lights out, but she landed right on top of me. We were in this really compromising position and she smelled really good and she didn’t weigh very much, so I didn’t mind her landing on me. I wrapped my arms around her and made no attempt to roll her off me because she felt so damn good. She was crying, though,” he says, losing some of the excitement in his eyes. He leans back in his chair and continues. “I asked her what was wrong and all she said was, ‘I hate them.’ I asked her who she hated and she said, ‘Everybody. I hate everybody.’ The way she said it was just heartbreaking and I felt bad for her and her breath smelled so fucking good and I knew exactly what she meant because I hate everyone, too. So I kept my arms wrapped around her and I said, ‘I hate everybody, too, Cinderella.’ We were still in . . .”

  “Wait, wait, wait,” Breckin says, interrupting the story. “You called her Cinderella? What the hell for?”

  Daniel shrugs. “We were in a janitor’s closet. I didn’t know her name and there were all these mops and brooms and shit and it reminded me of Cinderella, okay? Give me a break.”

  “But why would you even call her anything?” Breckin asks, not understanding Daniel’s penchant for random nicknames.

  Daniel rolls his eyes. “I didn’t know her fucking name, Einstein! Now stop interrupting me, I’m just now getting to the good part.” He leans forward again. “So I said to her, ‘I hate everybody, too, Cinderella.’ We were still in the same position and it was dark and to be honest, it was really kinda hot. You know, not knowing who she was or what she looked like. Sort of mysterious. Then she just laughs and leans forward and kisses me. Of course I kissed her back because I’d already finished my nap and we still had about fifteen minutes to kill. We kissed for the rest of the period. That’s all we did. We never spoke another word and we never did more than just kiss. When the bell rang, she hopped up and walked out. I didn’t even see what she looked like.”

  He’s staring at the floor, smiling. I’ve honestly never seen him talk about a girl like this before. Not even Val.

  “But I thought you said she was the best sex you ever had?” Breckin says, bringing us back to the point that started this whole conversation.

  Daniel grins boastfully again. “She was. Turns out I wasn’t hard to find after that. She showed up
again a week later. The closet light was out like always and she walked in and shut the door behind her. She was crying again. She said, ‘Are you in here, kid?’ The way she called me kid made me think she might have been a teacher and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t turn me on. Then one thing led to another and let’s just say I became her Prince Charming for the rest of the hour. And that was the best sex I ever had.”

  Breckin and I both laugh.

  “So who was she?” I ask.

  Daniel shrugs. “I never found out. She never showed up again after that and school ended a few weeks later. Then I met Val and my life spiraled out of control.” He exhales a deep rush of air, then turns to face Breckin. “Is it racist of me to not really want to hear about your gay sex?”

  Breckin laughs and throws his game controller at Daniel. “Racist isn’t the correct term, dipshit. Homophobic and discriminatory, yes. And understandable. I wouldn’t tell you, anyway.”

  Daniel looks at me. “I don’t even have to guess who you’ll say was your best,” he says. “The way Sky has you broken right now, I think it’s pretty obvious.”

  I shake my head. “Well, you’re wrong, because not only did I never have sex with her, but we never even kissed.”

  Daniel laughs but Breckin doesn’t and neither do I, which quickly shuts Daniel up. “Please tell me you’re kidding.”

  I shake my head.

  Daniel stands up and tosses his controller onto the bed. “How the hell have you not kissed her?” he says, raising his voice. “Because the way you’ve been acting this month had me thinking she was the fucking love of your life.”

  I cock my head. “Why do you seem pissed off by this?”

  He rolls his head. “Seriously?” He stalks toward me and bends forward, placing his hands on either side of my chair. “Because you’re being a pussy. P-U-S-S-Y.” He lets go of my chair and backs up. “Jesus, Holder. I was actually feeling sorry for you. Suck it up, man. Go to her house and fucking kiss her already and allow yourself to be happy for once.”

  He drops down onto the bed and grabs his controller. Breckin smiles a tight-lipped smile and shrugs. “I don’t really like your friend, but he does make a good point. I still don’t understand why you got so mad at her and walked away, but the only way to make it up to her is to not stay away.” He turns back toward the TV and I’m staring at both of them, completely speechless.

  They make it sound so simple. They make it sound so easy, like her whole life isn’t hanging in the balance. They don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.

  “Take me home,” I say to Daniel. I don’t want to be here anymore. I walk out of Breckin’s bedroom and make my way back to Daniel’s car.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  * * *

  Les,

  Everyone likes to have an opinion, don’t they? Daniel and Breckin have no clue what I’ve been through. What either of us has been through.

  Fuck it. I don’t even feel like telling you about it.

  H

  I close the notebook and stare at it. Why the hell do I even write in it? Why the hell do I bother when she’s fucking dead? I throw the notebook across the room and it hits the wall and falls to the floor. I throw the pen at the notebook and then grab my pillow from behind my head and throw it, too.

  “Dammit,” I groan, frustrated. I’m pissed that Daniel thinks my life is so simple. I’m pissed that Breckin still thinks I should just apologize to her, like that would make it all okay. I’m pissed that I’m still writing to Les even though she’s dead.. She can’t read it. She’ll never read it. I’m just putting all the shit I’m living through down on paper for no reason other than the fact that there isn’t a single goddamned person in the world right now that I can talk to.

  I lie down, then get pissed again and punch my bed because my damn pillow is all the way across the room. I stand up and walk to the pillow, snatching it up. I look down at the notebook beneath it, spread open on the floor.

  The pillow falls out of my hand.

  My knees fall to the floor.

  My hands clench the notebook that has flipped open to the very last page.

  I frantically flip through the pages covered in Les’s handwriting until I find where the words begin. As soon as I see the first words written on top of the page, my heart comes to a screeching halt.

  Dear Holder,

  If you’re reading this, I’m so, so sor

  I slam the notebook shut and throw it across the room.

  She wrote me a letter?

  A fucking suicide letter?

  I can’t breathe. Oh, God, I can’t breathe. I pull myself up and jerk open my window, then stick my head out. I take a deep breath and it’s not enough air. There isn’t enough air and I can’t breathe. I shut the window and run to my bedroom door. I swing it open and rush down the stairs, taking them several at a time. I pass by my mother and her eyes grow wide, seeing me in such a hurry.

  “Holder, it’s midnight! Where are—”

  “Running!” I yell, then slam the front door behind me.

  And that’s what I do. I run. I run straight to Sky’s house because she’s the only thing in the world that can help me breathe again.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  * * *

  These past few weeks of doing everything in my power to avoid her have taken every ounce of my strength and I can’t do it anymore. I thought by staying away from her I was being strong, but not being near her is making me weaker than I’ve ever been. I know I shouldn’t be here and I know she doesn’t want me here but I have to see her. I have to hear her, I have to touch her, I have to feel her against me because that weekend I spent with her was the only time since I walked away from her thirteen years ago that I actually looked forward.

  I’ve never looked forward before. I’ve always looked back. I think about the past way too much and I think about what I should have done and everything I did wrong and I’ve never once looked forward in my life. Being with her had me thinking about tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and next year and forever. I need that right now because if I don’t get to hold her one more time . . . I’m scared I’ll look back again and the past will completely swallow me up.

  I grab the windowsill and close my eyes. I inhale several times in an attempt to calm my pulse and the trembling going on with my hands right now.

  I hate that she always leaves her window unlocked. I push it up and slide the curtains back, then climb inside. I contemplate saying something so she’ll know I’m in her room, but I also don’t want to scare her if she’s asleep.

  I turn and close the window and walk to her bed, then slowly ease myself down. She’s facing the other way, so I lift the covers and scoot in beside her. Her posture immediately stiffens and she pulls her hands up to her face. I know she’s awake and I know she knows it’s me climbing into her bed, but the fact that it terrifies her completely breaks me.

  She’s scared of me. I didn’t expect fear to be a reaction from her at all. Anger, yes. I’d so much rather her be angry at me right now than scared.

  She’s not telling me to leave yet and I don’t think I could even if she asked me to. I have to feel her in my arms, so I move closer to her and slide my arm under her pillow. I wrap my other arm around her and slide my fingers into hers, then bury my face into her neck. Her scent and her skin and the feel of her heartbeat against our hands is exactly what I need, more tonight than ever before I just need to know that I’m not alone, even if she doesn’t have a clue how much allowing me to hold her is helping.

  I kiss her softly on the side of her head and pull her closer. I don’t deserve to be back in her bed or in her life after all I’ve put her through. In this moment, she’s allowing me to be here. I’m not going to think about what might happen in the next few minutes. I’m not going to think about what happened in the past. I’m not looking forward or backward. I’m just holding her and thinking about this. Right now. Her.

  She hasn�
��t spoken in almost half an hour, but neither have I. I’m not apologizing to her, because I don’t deserve her forgiveness and that’s not why I’m here. I can’t tell her what happened that day at lunch because I don’t want her to know yet. I have no idea what to say, so I just hold her. I kiss her hair and I silently thank her for helping me breathe again.

  I fold my arm up and hold her tighter. I’m trying not to fall apart right now. I’m trying so hard. She inhales a breath, then speaks to me for the first time in almost a month. “I’m so mad at you,” she whispers.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and press my lips desperately against her skin. “I know, Sky.” I slip my hand around her to pull her closer. “I know.”

  Her fingers slide through mine and she squeezes my hand. All she did was squeeze my hand, but that one small gesture does more for me in this moment than I could ever give her in return. Knowing she’s reassuring me, even in the slightest way, is more than I deserve from her.

  I press my lips to her shoulder and kiss her softly. “I know,” I whisper again as I continue kissing up her neck. She’s responding to my touch and to my kiss and I want to stay here forever. I wish I could freeze time. I want to freeze the past and the future and just focus on being here in this moment with her forever.

  She reaches up and runs her hand to the back of my head, pulling me against her neck even harder. She wants me here. She needs me here just as much as I need to be here and just knowing that is enough to freeze time for just a little while.