Losing Hope: A Novel

by Colleen Hoover

  I need her to look me in the eyes for this, so I lift her chin and make her look at me.

  “My heart broke, Sky. I didn’t want you to be her. I wanted you to tell me you got the bracelet from your friend or that you found it or you bought it. After all the years I spent searching for you in every single face I ever looked at, I finally found you . . . and I was devastated.” As soon as I say the word, I regret it. Because I know that isn’t true. I was upset. I was overwhelmed. But I didn’t even know the meaning of devastated. I sigh and finish my confession. “I didn’t want you to be Hope. I just wanted you to be you.”

  She shakes her head. “But why didn’t you just tell me? How hard would it have been to admit that we used to know each other? I don’t understand why you’ve been lying about it.”

  God, this is so hard.

  “What do you remember about your adoption?”

  “Not a lot,” she says, shaking her head. “I know I was in foster care after my father gave me up. I know Karen adopted me and we moved here from out of state when I was five. Other than that and a few odd memories, I don’t know anything.”

  She’s not getting it. That’s not what she remembers at all. It’s what she’s been told. I move from my position beside her and sit directly in front of her, facing her. I grab her by the shoulders. “That’s all stuff Karen told you. I want to know what you remember. What do you remember, Sky?”

  She breaks eye contact with me, trying to think. When she comes up empty, she looks back up at me. “Nothing. The earliest memories I have are with Karen. The only thing I remember from before Karen was getting the bracelet, but that’s only because I still have it and the memory stuck with me. I wasn’t even sure who gave it to me.”

  I lower my lips to her forehead and kiss her, knowing the next words that come out of my mouth will be the words I know she doesn’t want to hear. As if she can see how much this is hurting me, she wraps her arms around my neck and climbs onto my lap, holding me tightly. I wrap my arms around her, not quite understanding how she can even find it in herself to want to comfort me right now.

  “Just say it,” she whispers. “Tell me what you’re wishing you didn’t have to tell me.”

  I lower my head to hers, squeezing my eyes shut. She thinks she wants to know the truth, but she doesn’t. If she could feel what it’s about to do to her, she wouldn’t want to know.

  “Just tell me, Holder.”

  I sigh, then pull away from her. “The day Les gave you that bracelet, you were crying. I remember every single detail like it happened yesterday. You were sitting in your yard against your house. Les and I sat with you for a long time, but you never stopped crying. After she gave you your bracelet she walked back to our house but I couldn’t. I felt bad leaving you there, because I thought you might be mad at your dad again. You were always crying because of him and it made me hate him. I don’t remember anything about the guy, other than I hated his guts for making you feel like you did. I was just a kid, so I never knew what to say to you when you cried. I think that day I said something like, ‘Don’t worry . . .’”’”

  “He won’t live forever,” she says, finishing my sentence. “I remember that day. Les giving me the bracelet and you saying he won’t live forever. Those are the two things I’ve remembered all this time. I just didn’t know it was you.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I said to you.” I take her face in my hands. “And then I did something I’ve regretted every single day of my life since.”

  “Holder,” she says, shaking her head. “You didn’t do anything. You just walked away.”

  I nod. “Exactly. I walked to my front yard even though I knew I should have sat back down in the grass beside you. I stood in my front yard and I watched you cry into your arms, when you should have been crying into mine. I just stood there . . . and I watched the car pull up to the curb. I watched the passenger window roll down and I heard someone call your name. I watched you look up at the car and wipe your eyes. You stood up and you dusted off your shorts, then you walked to the car. I watched you climb inside and I knew whatever was happening I shouldn’t have just been standing there. But all I did was watch, when I should have been with you. It never would have happened if I had stayed right there with you.”

  She takes a deep breath. “What never would have happened?”

  I brush my thumbs over her cheekbones and look at her with as much calmness and reassurance as I can muster, because I know she’s about to need it.

  “They took you. Whoever was in that car, they took you from your dad, from me, from Les. You’ve been missing for thirteen years, Hope.”

  Chapter Thirty-nine, Chapter Thirty-nine-and-a-half, Chapter Thirty-nine-and-three-quarters

  * * *

  She closes her eyes and lays her head on my shoulder. She tightens her grip around me, so I tighten mine in return. I wait. I wait for it to sink in. I wait for the tears. I wait for the heartbreak because I know for a fact it’s coming.

  We sit in silence for several minutes, but the tears never come. I begin to wonder if everything I just said to her is even registering. “Say something,” I beg.

  She doesn’t make a sound. She doesn’t even move. Her lack of reaction is starting to worry me, so I place my hand on the back of her head and lower my head closer to hers. “Please. Say something.”

  She slowly lifts her face away from my shoulder and she looks at me with dry eyes. “You called me Hope. Don’t call me that. It’s not my name.”

  I didn’t even realize I did. “I’m sorry, Sky.”

  Her eyes grow cold and she slides off me, then stands up. “Don’t call me that, either,” she says.

  I stand up and take both of her hands, but she pulls away and turns toward the car. I haven’t really thought out what I would do or say after she finally found out the truth from me. I’m not at all prepared for whatever comes next.

  “I need a chapter break,” she says, continuing to walk away.

  “I don’t even know what that means,” I say, following behind her. Whatever she needs, it’s more than just a chapter break. She needs a chapter break within a chapter break within a chapter break. I can’t imagine how confused she must be right now.

  She continues to walk away so I grab her arm but she immediately jerks away from me. She spins around and her eyes are wide with fear and confusion. She begins to take deep breaths like she’s attempting to hold off a panic attack. I don’t know what to say to her and I know she doesn’t want me to touch her right now.

  She takes two quick steps forward and she reaches up and grabs my face, standing on the tips of her toes. She presses her lips firmly to mine and kisses me desperately, but I can’t find it in me to kiss her back. I know she’s just scared and confused right now and she’s doing whatever she can to not think about it.

  She pulls away from my mouth when she realizes I’m not kissing her back, then she reaches up and slaps me.

  What she’s experiencing right now is more than likely more traumatic and more emotional than anything someone can experience in life, short of death. I try to remember that when she reaches up and slaps me again, then pushes against my chest. Panic consumes her completely and she’s screaming and hitting me and the only thing I can do is spin her around and pull her against my chest. I wrap my arms around her from behind and press my lips to her ear. “Breathe,” I whisper. “Calm down, Sky. I know you’re confused and scared, but I’m here. I’m right here. Just breathe.”

  I hold her for several minutes, allowing her time to gather her thoughts. I know she has questions. I just need her mind to the point that it can handle all the answers.

  “Were you ever going to tell me who I was?” she asks after she pulls away from me. “What if I never remembered? Would you have ever told me? Were you scared I would leave you and you’d never get your chance to screw me? Is that why you’ve been lying to me this whole time?”

  The questions she just asked have all been my biggest fears. I’ve been
so scared she wouldn’t understand my reasoning for not telling her. “No. That’s not how it was. That’s not how it is. I haven’t told you because I’m scared of what will happen to you. If I report it, they’ll take you from Karen. They’ll more than likely arrest her and send you back to live with your father until you turn eighteen. Do you want that to happen? You love Karen and you’re happy here. I didn’t want to mess that up for you.”

  She shakes her head and laughs a disheartening laugh. “First of all,” she says. “They wouldn’t put Karen in jail because I can guarantee you she knows nothing about this. Second, I’ve been eighteen since September. If my age was the reason you weren’t being honest, you would have told me by now.”

  I look down at the ground because it’s too hard to look her in the eyes.

  “Sky, there’s so much I still need to explain to you,” I say. “Your birthday wasn’t in September. Your birthday is May 7. You don’t even turn eighteen for six more months. And Karen?” I walk forward and take her hands. “She has to know, Sky. She has to. Think about it. Who else could have done this?”

  As soon as I say it, she pulls her hands from mine and steps back like I’ve just insulted her.

  “Take me home,” she says, shaking her head in disbelief. “I don’t want to hear anything else. I don’t want to know anything else tonight.”

  I grab her by the hands again and she slaps them away. “TAKE ME HOME!”

  • • •

  We’re parked in her driveway sitting silently in her car. I made her promise me she wouldn’t say anything to Karen during the drive back to her house. She says she isn’t going to say anything until we talk again tomorrow, but I still don’t like the thought of leaving her here in the condition she’s in.

  She pulls open the door, but I grab her hand. “Wait,” I say. She pauses. “Will you be okay tonight?”

  She sighs and falls back against the passenger seat. “How?” she says with a defeated voice. “How can I possibly be okay after tonight?”

  I push her hair behind her ear. I don’t want to leave her. I want to reassure her that I’m not walking away from her this time. “It’s killing me . . . letting you go like this,” I say. “I don’t want to leave you alone. Can I come back in an hour?”

  She shakes her head no. “I can’t,” she says weakly. “It’s too hard being around you right now. I just need to think. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

  I nod, then pull my hand back and place it on the steering wheel. As much as it hurts, I need to give her what she wants right now. I know she needs time to process all the things going through her mind. To be honest, I think I need time to process it, too.

  Chapter Forty

  * * *

  Les,

  She knows.

  And I can’t believe I just dropped her off at her house and left. I don’t care if she doesn’t want to be around me right now. There’s no way in hell I can just leave her alone. I wish you were here right now because I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

  H

  I shoot straight up when I hear her scream next to me on her bed. She’s gasping for breath.

  Another nightmare.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” she says.

  I glance down at my watch, then rub my eyes. I’m trying to sort out what all has been real in the past few hours and what all was a dream.

  Unfortunately, it was all real.

  I place my hand on her leg and scoot closer to her. Her eyes are terrified. “I couldn’t leave you. I just needed to make sure you were okay.” I slide my hand around her neck and her pulse is pounding against my palm. “Your heart. You’re scared.”

  She’s looking at me wide-eyed. Her chest is heaving and the fear rolling off her is breaking me. She brings her hand to mine and squeezes it. “Holder . . . I remember.”

  I immediately turn her to face me and I force her eyes up to mine. “What do you remember?” I ask, nervous for her answer.

  She begins to shake her head, not wanting to say it. I need her to say it, though. I need to know what she remembers. I nod my head, silently coaxing her to continue. She takes a deep breath. “It was Karen in that car. She did it. She’s the one who took me.”

  This is exactly what I didn’t want her to feel. I hug her. “I know, babe. I know.”

  She clings to my shirt and I tighten my grip, but push her away as soon as her bedroom door swings open.

  “Sky?” Karen says, watching us from the doorway.

  Karen looks at me, trying to figure out why I’m here. She turns back to Sky. “Sky? What . . . what are you doing?”

  Sky spins back around and looks me desperately in the eyes. “Get me out of here,” she begs in a whisper. “Please.”

  I nod, then stand up and walk to her closet. I don’t know where she wants to go, but I know she’ll need clothes. I find a duffel bag on the top shelf, then walk it to her bed. “Throw some clothes in here. I’ll get what you need out of the bathroom.”

  She nods and heads to her closet while I head into her bathroom to grab whatever else she might need. Karen is pleading with her not to leave. When my hands are full, I walk out of the bathroom and Karen has her hands on Sky’s shoulders.

  “What are you doing? What’s wrong with you? You’re not leaving with him.”

  I walk around Karen and try to remain as calm as possible for all of our sakes. “Karen, I suggest you let go of her.”

  Karen spins around, shocked at my words. “You are not taking her. If you so much as walk out of this house with her, I’m calling the police.”

  I don’t say anything. I’m not sure if Sky wants her to know that she knows the truth, so I do my best to refrain from saying what I’ve wanted to say to Karen since the moment I realized she’s the one responsible. I zip the duffel bag and reach for Sky’s hand. “You ready?”

  She nods.

  “This isn’t a joke!” Karen yells. “I’ll call the police! You have no right to take her!”

  Sky reaches into my pocket and pulls out my cell phone, then steps toward Karen. “Here,” she says. “Call them.”

  She’s testing Karen. Her wheels are churning as fast as mine and she’s hoping she can prove that Karen is innocent in all of this. It makes my heart break for her, because I know Karen isn’t innocent. This is only going to end badly.

  Karen refuses to take the phone and Sky grabs her hand and shoves the phone into her palm. “Call them! Call the police, Mom! Please,” she says. Sky’s eyebrows draw apart and she pleads desperately, one last time. “Please,” she whispers.

  I can’t watch Sky endure this for another second, so I grab her hand and lead her to the window, then help her climb out of it.

  Chapter Forty-one

  * * *

  I lift my head off the pillow and immediately cover my eyes. The afternoon sun is so bright, it’s painful. I pry my arm from around her and quietly lift off the bed.

  I somehow managed the whole drive to Austin last night. I don’t think I could have stayed awake another minute, so I pulled over at the first hotel we could find. It was daytime when we finally made it to our room, so we both took turns showering, then crashed. She’s been asleep for over six hours now and I know how much she needs it.

  I softly brush the hair away from her cheek and lean down and kiss it. She pulls her arm out from under the blanket and looks up at me with tired eyes. “Hey,” she whispers, somehow smiling despite everything she’s going through.

  “Shh,” I say, not wanting her to wake up just yet. “I’m about to leave for a little while to get us something to eat. I’ll wake you when I get back, okay?”

  She nods and closes her eyes, then rolls back over.

  • • •

  After we finish eating, she walks to the bed and slips on her shoes. “Where you headed?” I ask her.

  She ties her shoes and stands up, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I want to go for a walk,” she says. “And I want you to go with me. I’m ready t
o start asking questions.”

  I give her a quick kiss, then grab the key and head to the door. “Then let’s go.”

  We eventually make our way to the hotel courtyard and take a seat in one of the cabanas. I pull her to me. “You want me to tell you what I remember? Or do you have specific questions?”

  “Both,” she says. “But I want to hear your story first.”

  I kiss her on the side of the head, then rest my head against hers while we stare out over the courtyard. “You have to understand how surreal this feels for me, Sky. I’ve thought about what happened to you every single day for the past thirteen years. And to think I’ve been living two miles away from you for seven of those years? I’m still having a hard time processing it myself. And now, finally having you here, telling you everything that happened . . .”

  I sigh, remembering back to that day. “After the car pulled away, I went into the house and told Les that you left with someone. She kept asking me who, but I didn’t know. My mother was in the kitchen, so I went and told her. She didn’t really pay any attention to me. She was cooking supper and we were just kids. She had learned to tune us out. Besides, I still wasn’t sure anything had happened that wasn’t supposed to happen, so I didn’t sound panicked or anything. She told me to just go outside and play with Les. The way she was so nonchalant about it made me think everything was okay. Being so young, I was positive adults knew everything, so I didn’t say anything else about it. Les and I went outside to play and another couple of hours had passed by when your dad came outside, calling your name. As soon as I heard him call your name, I froze. I stopped in the middle of my yard and watched him standing on his porch, calling for you. It was that moment that I knew he had no idea you had left with someone. I knew I did something wrong.”

  “Holder,” she interrupts. “You were just a little boy.”