Holding her hand again, he confided, “Talk about feeling unworthy of redemption. I not only felt unworthy, but I don’t think I would have been able to accept it at that time.”
Holly looked down at their hands on the beautiful wood of the dresser. She finally asked. “How did you move past that feeling?”
“One day at a time, replacing the devil’s lies with God’s truth. When condemnation would swoop in, I’d chase it away with the reminder of God’s redeeming love - love that was able to cleanse me of all the stain of my sin, but also ferret out the cause of those sins. I didn’t just turn my back on my wife, I turned my back on God when I chose my own emotions, passion, and desires above His.”
“And then you were able to receive forgiveness?”
“I had already received forgiveness - it was a matter of accepting it and forgiving myself.”
She looked down at the dresser again. Clean and free - that is what she wanted to feel. Part of her knew that it was lies from the devil that kept whispering to her that she couldn’t be forgiven. But if she were truly a Christian, wouldn’t she have never had an affair in the first place?
Her father walked over to his work table and came back with a tattered Bible. He opened it to Romans 6. “Read it.”
She read the passage which told of how we were no longer under the power of sin. The verses seemed to just drive home her point. She thought back to when she had been in Seth’s arms. She had allowed sin to push her and push her. She knew it was wrong, but she had kissed him anyway until he caved. She hadn’t just allowed it, she had pursued it.
She looked away from the Bible, tears stinging her eyes. Her Dad cupped her face. “What is going on in your head? I can see condemnation, not conviction.”
With a sob, she broke down and told her father what she had done. Gathering her in his arms, he let her cry it out until all her tears were spent.
“The sins of the father...” He whispered against her hair, his face mirroring her pain.
“No, it isn’t your fault. I made those decisions.” With a sniffle, she added, “But that is what I’m talking about. I knew better, and I still went ahead, fully controlled by my sin.”
“Oh, darling, is that what you took away from that passage?” He turned the Bible and pointed to verses twelve and thirteen. “See, it is speaking of not giving in to sinful desires by giving yourself completely to God.” Her father read verses twelve and thirteen out loud. “‘Do not let sin control the way you live; do not give in to sinful desires. Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God.’”
Holly shook her head. “But I did just that - I became an instrument of sin.”
“Yes, but that was because you were not giving yourself completely to God.” Her father went on to explain. “See, here in verse sixteen it says whatever you obey is what you will become a salve to.”
She shook her head, not getting his point. “When you were upset with your husband, when you were feeling unworthy because of your past, you became a slave to your emotions. You didn’t give those emotions completely to God.” He again pointed to verse thirteen.
“I opened a door.” She said, remembering how it had begun with her emotions, then moved onto comparing Seth and her husband, until it grew. And through the whole process, she hadn’t turned to God once.
“But you can close it now. Turn back to God and let him cleanse you. Let Him sort out all of those jumbled emotions.”
Holly hesitated before asking the next question. “What if Hunter won’t forgive me?”
Her father sighed, and drew her in his arms, whispering against her hair. “I know you would like that more than anything else, but this doesn’t have anything to do with him.”
She pulled back and raised an eyebrow at his statement.
“Worrying about Hunter, Seth, me, your mom...” he shook his head. “That is what got you into this problem. Focus on God and don’t take your eyes off him. Humble yourself before him and go where he asks you to go - leaving everything else up to him.”
“I just want him back, Dad.”
Her father turned back to the dresser. “Refinishing a piece of furniture takes a lot of time and patience. The most important and time-consuming part of it is the preparation process. Sanding off the old paint, bleaching stains - the finished product is only as good as the preparation process.”
Holly crossed her arms over her chest, understanding what he meant but not sure if she liked it. “So you are saying I have to be patient and let God work in my heart - trusting Him no matter what.”
Her father nodded his head. “Submitting yourself wholly to Him means that you will not turn away, even when He asks you to walk where you are most afraid to tread.”
Her shoulders sagged even further at his words. “Without Hunter.”
Chapter Fourteen
“This has got to be the worst idea ever!” Holly exclaimed, her face pale.
Anya laughed. “It is the best idea. You cannot just sit around and pine for him the rest of your life. It is time you go get your man back.”
Holly shook her head. “Hunter doesn’t want me back. You heard Grace, he is tormented by what I did.”
“He is only tormented because he loves you and you hurt him. If he had written you off, he would have moved on. Besides, he said yes to the event.”
Holly refused to acknowledge Anya’s assessment of the situation, but her friend pressed on. “You two are still very much in love, but you don’t know what to do with this betrayal that sits between you.”
“What can we do? He can’t forget and I can’t make it go away.”
“No, but you can let God rebuild your hearts and your marriage.”
Holly scoffed at the idea, remembering his anger and pain. “He will never trust me again. Without trust...”
“You have to show him he can trust him. You have to show him you are truthful.”
“He wouldn’t accept it if I tried...”
“So you don’t try and you remain miserable? That makes no sense!” Anya threw up her hands in frustration. “1 Corinthians 13 says love endures all things. Enduring means that it is going to take work - a lot of work, especially on your part. Don’t make excuses, don’t justify your actions, remain open and honest, patient and loving, even when he accuses you and checks your phone or emails.”
“What if he doesn’t want to reconcile?” Holly remembered what her dad said, but the thought of just accepting that he no longer wanted her hurt too much to comprehend. She preferred to stay in this agonizing limbo of false hope.
“What God put together let no man tear asunder – even if that ‘man’ is the two of you!”
Holly shook her head. “I’ll go, but I doubt he’ll even be there.”
“Then you have nothing to fear.” The smile on Anya’s face did little to calm her nerves.
By time the event rolled around, Holly was a tangle of emotions – hope, fear, anxiety, and sadness that this would all end horribly. Grace had come in the store earlier in the week to finalize the details for the event. Despite Grace’s encouragement that Holly had nothing to fear, she still couldn’t rid her stomach of the lump of lead that resided there.
“Don’t worry, this will be great.”
Holly let out a snort of hysterical laughter. “If great has somehow taken on a new definition to mean disastrous - sure, I agree.”
Grace met them at the door, so excited that she yanked open the door before they were even able to ring the doorbell. Holly hadn’t stepped foot in the house since she walked out with her things. Her eyes went to the table in the entryway, and though she hadn’t expected it to still be there, her heart still sank at the fact that their wedding picture was gone.
What do you expect? That insidious little voice whispered. She did her best to shoo it away, trying
to cling fast to all the things she had discussed with her father. God, I am here. I am being obedient, but I am terrified you are going to ask me to do what I don’t want to do. Her eyes closed over the tears that were forming there.
When she opened her eyes, the first person they fell on was Hunter standing at the edge of the staircase. Her breath caught in her throat. He was handsome as ever. She couldn’t stop the small smile that crept onto her lips. Later, she would question the look that passed between them, but in that moment, she could have sworn he smiled a little, too.
The room was filled with laughing bridesmaids, busy workers setting up, and a flurry of activity - but for Holly and Hunter, there was just the two of them. Only a few feet separated them, and she wanted to go stand in front of him, or kneel and beg for his forgiveness. She wanted to close the gap and fling her arms around his neck and beg him to never let her go. Instead, she stood locked in his stare, hoping she wasn’t reading into anything.
Mark ran into her as he was wheeling the cart of dresses into the house. Turning, he grabbed her arm to steady her. “Sorry, Holly. Guess I shouldn’t be walking backward.” He winked at her, and then headed with Grace down the hallway to one of the spare bedrooms.
Holly turned back to find that Hunter was gone. With a droop to her shoulders, she headed back with Grace to go through the dresses. By the time they had returned, Anya had set up the food - only light refreshments tonight. Holly found her friend standing in the corner, talking to Hunter. Holly’s feet faltered, and she cringed as he laid his hand on her shoulder and leaned in to say something to Anya.
Jealousy surged through her, but as quick as it came, that annoying little voice came too. What right do you have to get jealous? Embarrassed by the truth in those words, she turned on her heels and helped Mark set everything up.
When it came time for her to give her introductory speech, she couldn’t even muster the plastic smile she always donned. She rushed through the description of the voting cards and the process, and then scurried off to the back room. She sank down on the bed and waited for Grace to join her when she was ready. Staring at her feet, she prayed that Grace would love the first dress and the night would be over quickly.
The door opened and she sighed, not even raising her gaze. “You are ready?”
“I don’t think I will fit into those gowns.”
Holly jumped off the bed at the sound of Hunter’s voice, like a kid who had been caught doing something wrong. She stood there with her mouth hanging open, willing some words to come from her mouth. None came.
They stood across from each other, like combatants eying their opponent. He was the first to speak. “I just wanted to thank you for doing this for Grace.”
Tell him you still love him.
“No problem.”
He didn’t move a muscle, didn’t shift his feet, or even avert his gaze. “I mean, you could have refused...”
Tell him how sorry you are.
“I would never.” Holly licked her lips which had gone suddenly dry. “I really like Grace.”
He nodded his head, but continued on, staring at her. She couldn't read if he was nervous, angry but being polite for his sister’s sake, or something more. Let it be something more.
“Okay.” He turned to leave but halted at the door. His hand on the knob, he didn’t even turn around as he asked, “Have you been okay...I mean...the baby...are you doing okay?”
No, I am a mess. I lost you, I lost the baby, and I lost myself. Come back to me. Turn around. Say you love me again.
She dashed a tear that was trailing down her cheek, grateful that he wouldn’t see it with his back turned. “I guess.” That was the best answer she could muster.
“Okay.” It must have been the best reply he could summon. With that, he walked out the door and Holly sank to the bed.
Grace entered into the room a few minutes later. Holly tried to cover her tears, but Grace didn’t miss them. “He can’t stop staring at you.”
The excitement in Grace’s voice caused Holly’s heart to sink. “Oh, Grace. If you did all this just to try and get us back together - well, I’m afraid you have wasted your time. He is trying his best to stomach polite conversation - and I think it is for your benefit alone.”
Grace tried to hide her sly smile, but Holly caught it. When she tried to argue her point again, Grace stopped her. “He still wears your wedding ring - on a chain around his neck. He tries to hide it from everyone, but I’ve seen it. He can’t get rid of it any more than he can get rid of you from his mind.”
“He got rid of me from his life. I think that says volumes more than a ring around his neck.” Holly shooed away any further discussion. “This is your night. No more talk of Hunter and me. Let’s get you into these dresses.”
They went through a procession of gowns, and Holly would accompany Grace out with each one, careful to keep her eyes averted from Hunter. Rearranging the train, straightening a veil, or tightening a bow – anything Holly could find to keep her hands from shaking and her gaze from finding Hunter’s.
After six trips from the bedroom to the living room, Grace finally found her dress. It wasn’t like the others she had tried on, but Holly had put it in the mix because of Grace’s petite frame. The white trumpet gown had subtle pink applique roses and lace, and clung to Grace’s delicate curves. The v-back had a row of satin buttons and a sweeping train.
Holly went to open the bedroom door for their exit. Grabbing a pale pink satin sash from the bed, she turned back to Grace. “We can do it with a sash, or...” Holly’s voice trailed off as she caught sight of Grace’s tears in the mirror.
“I feel like a princess.” Grace’s bottom lip trembled with suppressed tears.
Holly smiled at the woman’s response. “You look like one - very elegant and timeless.”
“Beautiful.” Both women turned at the sound of Hunter’s voice from the doorway.
Walking over to them, Hunter bent and enveloped his sister in a tight hug, but looked at Holly over Grace’s shoulder. His eyes held no anger, no malice, just gratitude.
As they separated, he asked his sister. “Do you even need to go out there?”
Grace shook her head. “I know this is the one.” With a teary laugh, she added, “But we can’t deprive them. That is why they came.”
Grabbing the train, Holly helped Grace out to the living room. As she passed by Hunter, she caught whiff of his spicy cologne, and a flood of memories assailed her. The memory of his touch, his kiss - his love. The flood of memories also carried with it a wave of condemnation. She tried to shake them off, but they dogged her for the rest of the night. I am a stupid, reckless woman with no love for her husband or her God. I am unworthy of the kind smiles he sends my way, let alone forgiveness.
The dress drew the anticipated sighs in the otherwise silent room. It was Grace who finally broke the silence. “I think this is the one.”
There was a murmur of agreement, and then Grace laughed. “I didn't even pick this one - Holly is the one who thought to bring it.” She turned and wrapped her arms around Holly. “Thank you.”
After the hug, Holly bent to re-straighten the train, using it as an excuse to hide the tears that were burning her eyes. She blinked them back and stood, but not before catching a glimpse of Hunter. He stared at her again with that mysterious stare, then turned on his heels and left.
Chapter Fifteen
“I just wanted to come with Grace and offer support.” Hunter averted his eyes from Holly’s. Tell her the truth.
“She is lucky to have you.” Her voice was soft, sweet, and tender. Hunter missed hearing it every day.
That is just your loneliness talking. Hunter looked at her finally, wanting to ask her why she hadn’t felt lucky to have him as a husband.
“She is going to be a while.” Holly added, gesturing to the giggling room of bridesmaids that were trying on dresses. “Do you want to have a seat in the back with them?” She quickly shook her head and amended
. “You aren’t bothering me - that isn’t what I meant....”
“What about coffee?” Hunter blurted out.
“Sure, I can get you a cup.” She started to come out from behind the counter and walk toward the back when he grabbed her arm. The touch of his hand on hers after so many months melted his heart. There was nothing right about holding onto his anger, but holding onto her hand...that felt good.
“I meant, can you come out with me for a cup of coffee?”
Her large blue eyes stared at his, uncertainty written all over her face. He thought for a moment she was going to say no.
Holly nodded her head. “Let me go tell Katie and Anya.”
She returned moments later, and he stared at her as she made her way toward him. He hadn’t been wrong at the event the other night. She had lost weight, but she still looked as beautiful as ever. She threw a blue sweater over her shoulders, and they left the store. He opened the car door for her, and she stared at the seat.
Was she regretting coming? Did she not want him anymore? Was she still seeing Seth? The thoughts came unbidden, and he wanted to chase them away.
“Thank you.” She slid into the seat and he rounded the car. They drove a couple of blocks to a nearby coffee shop, and the car was silent save for the hum of the engine.
What were you thinking?
He cleared his throat. “Grace looked lovely in the dress you picked out for her.”
He kept his eyes on the road, though he could feel hers studying his profile.
“She did.”
“You have a talent.” He tapped the steering wheel with his fingers nervously. “I mean, you are really good at what you do. I am glad yours and Anya’s business is such a success.”
“Thank you.” Her soft reply came out moments later, and they spent the rest of the short ride in an awkward silence.
Brides and Betrayal (Reconciled and Redeemed Book 1) Page 11
