They arrived and he quickly maneuvered his car into one of the open parking slots. Holly stepped out onto the curb before he could open the door. She had done that when they were first dating. She was always so distant, guarded, and untouchable. Maybe this is a bad idea.
He opened the door to the coffee shop for her, and her smile of gratitude erased his doubts.
After getting their orders, he found a small table outside. The sun shone down on her coppery hair, making it look like a fiery halo surrounding her beautiful face. “So, the business seems to be doing well.”
“Um, yes. It is going great, actually.” With furrowed brows, she sipped her coffee and the wind whipped her sweater off her shoulders. She grabbed for it just as he did. Their hands touched and he looked down, noticing the ring still on her finger.
She quickly jerked her hand back and tied the sweater around her neck. Clearing her throat, she asked. “How are you doing?”
His eyes caressed hers. Missing you. A gust blew through the patio area again, tossing a strand of hair across her lips just as she was about to take a sip. Without thinking, he brushed the strand from her face, his finger taking the all-too-familiar trail down her cheek.
A sob tore from her throat. “Hunter, what are you...?”
His pained exclamation cut her off. “I don’t know what I’m doing, that is the problem!” He reached for her hand across the table, his thumb tracing the top of her knuckles. “I know that I’m angry, lonely, and still very much in love with you.”
She didn’t say anything.
“When I saw you the other night, I expected to feel anger, disgust, something other than relief that you were back in the house.”
Her brows furrowed again at his words. She looked away for a moment, but he felt encouraged she hadn’t removed her hands from under his.
“I still love you, too. I have never stopped.” She finally looked at him. “But can you forgive me?”
He closed his eyes at her request, willing the words to come to his lips. “I want to.”
Tears pooled in her eyes and clung to her bottom lashes, firmly refusing to relinquish their hold. She blinked and twin rivulets streamed down her cheeks.
She pursed her lips, as if willing the question that was burning on her tongue to fizzle and die. Instead, it came out as a hopeful whisper. “Will that be enough?”
Her question was valid, but he didn’t have the answer. He countered her question with one of his own. “Do you think it is worth a shot at trying?”
She smiled, though it was more like a slow spreading of a dim grin, an echo of her former radiance subdued by years of pain. Holly nodded her head.
“Why don’t we start with dinner tonight?”
“Tonight?”
Seeing her smile vanish, he wondered if she had plans. Another date?
“Unless you already have plans.”
Holly shrugged. “My dad asked me over for dinner, but I can reschedule with him.”
“Your dad? I thought he was dead?”
She shook her head, coppery tresses flying with the motion. “My biological dad.” She waved the explanation away, simply saying, “It is a long story how he came back into my life, but he has been teaching me a lot.”
It was his turn to furrow his brow. What could she be learning from the man her mother had an affair with?
She stared at him for a moment, and then he felt the reluctant tug of her hand from underneath his. “I better get back to the store. Anya and Katie are no doubt in need of my assistance.”
“Sure.”
The short drive back to the boutique was accomplished again in silence. She thanked him once they got inside, and then disappeared in the back, hearing his sister exclaim at her presence. “Holly, look what we found. These dresses are perfect.”
The girls came out from the back moments later, and his sister smiled at him knowingly. Impudent little thing, he thought with a smile.
To Holly, he said, “So tonight I can come pick you up at seven o’clock?”
She nodded, and he turned to follow his sister out of the store. The overhead bell chimed as he opened the door, and as if it signaled a reminder, he turned at the sound. “I guess I should ask where I should pick you up.”
“Here.” She pointed to the ceiling. “I live upstairs.”
His mouth formed a silent oh, and he walked out of the store, still wondering if he was doing the right thing.
That evening, he climbed the iron stairs that led to her upstairs apartment, his mind still pondering that question. She opened the door almost immediately after his knock.
His breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. Her hair hung loose around her shoulders, like a fiery waterfall splashing upon her shoulders and down her back. She smiled, but wariness still clung to her blue-gray eyes, diminishing their sparkle.
Their hellos mingled together in the doorway until she stepped to the side, allowing him to enter her small apartment. A small Siamese cat sat down at his feet, looking up at him and offering an inquisitive meow as a greeting.
“This is Espresso.” Holly said as she picked up the kitten. “The previous tenant abandoned him. We found him and I took him in...”
She put the wriggling ball of cream and brown fur down and shrugged off the rest of her statement.
Like you abandoned her part of him whispered, but his defenses immediately countered, reminding him that this tortuous separation was her fault. He tried to squelch his anger. If this was going to work, he needed to forget it and move on. You can do this.
“Why did you call her Espresso?” Hunter asked with a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.
“She looks like she stuck her face into a can of my father’s Espresso-colored wood stain. Her body is so pure and creamy colored, but her face looks like it is stained.”
Holly shrugged off the rest of her explanation. After a few moments, she sighed, hands splayed wide. “Do you want something to drink or do you want to go...?”
He looked around at the apartment. Sparse and bare - she had done little to make it look like her home. The awkwardness between them hung in the air like a stale stench.
Eager to leave, Hunter asked. “Are you ready? We can go now.”
She nodded, grabbing her purse from the counter. Locking up, she followed him down the stairs and out front to his car.
“So you said you and your dad were talking now?” Hunter asked later at the restaurant after the waiter had taken their orders.
Holly nodded, “My sister, Jen is the maid of honor for one of our clients. I saw her at an event and, well...”
Her words trailed off, but Hunter had no idea it was because he was scowling at her. Sister? He wondered what else he didn’t know about her.
He gave voice to his thoughts. “I didn’t know you had a sister?”
“Two half-sisters.” She turned her water goblet between her fingers, avoiding his stare.
“All these years and you never told me.” The accusatory words slipped out before he could harness them.
“I am sorry, Hunter. I left right after graduation and had no intention of ever seeing them again.”
He tried to reign in his jealousy and judgmental attitude, but it was hard to restrain the beast he had let grow over the years. Why keep things from me unless you have secrets you need to hide?
She must have read the emotions on his face. “I am truly sorry for not telling you Hunter. I tried hard to keep that part of my life hidden. It was very painful.”
“And you still feel the need to keep it hidden?”
Holly shook her head in denial. “No, but I don’t want to spend our first date back together rehashing a very painful past that I am still trying to sort out.”
He turned away, anger causing a muscle in his jaw to twitch. Finally, thinking he had himself composed, he asked her, “Then why not let me sort it out with you? You always keep me at arm’s length.”
“I am not trying to be distant, Hunter. I am not
shutting you out.” She reached across the table and held his hand in both of hers, running her thumbs across the back of it. “I want to share it all with you, but tonight, I just want to be with you.”
He nodded, keeping his eyes focused on her thumbs as they brushed against his skin. He tried to focus on how right it felt to have her hands holding his, and how right it felt to have her sitting across from him at the table. However, as hard as he tried to put it out of his mind, the night was clouded by the exchange.
And so it was for the next few dates they went on. Gentle handholding, tender conversations that were always clouded by something she said or did that reminded Hunter of the reasons he divorced her. Each night he tried to kiss her, but his lips only could brush against her forehead. The images of her in Seth’s arms always stopped him.
A week later, as he dropped her off after their date, she invited him to go to her father’s church with her.
“Oh, I thought you were going to our church. I mean, I assumed you were still going.”
She shook her head and looked away. She turned to unlock her door as she murmured, “I didn’t want to run into you or Seth.”
The mention of Seth’s name sent anger surging through his veins. “He came to the house to argue in your defense. You didn’t have to worry if you thought he would look down on you or something.”
His words obviously hurt her and he was sorry once they were out.
“I never really cared what he thought, Hunter.” She turned back to him and leveled her velvety blue eyes on him. “I just wanted...”
She let her words trail off and she turned to enter her apartment.
“What?” He followed her inside, gripping her arm and spinning her to face him. “What did you want?”
“I just wanted you to accept me for who I was, past and all.”
He dropped her arm. “I am not the bad guy.”
She looked down at Espresso, who was circling her legs, meowing her concern for their raised voices. “That’s not what I’m saying.”
With a sigh, Hunter gathered her in his arms. “I don’t want to fight.”
She nodded, staring at his neck, rather than meeting his eyes. With a finger under her chin, he forced her gaze to meet his. There was a river of emotions flowing in the small puddle of tears that pooled in her eyes, and her eyelashes were the dam that held them in check.
Don’t bring it up, you can forget this.
He bent down to kiss her, wanting to burn the memories from his brain with the fire of her kiss. He wanted her lips to brush away the taste of bile he felt rising in his throat every time he thought of her kissing Seth.
In the end, his lips brushed her cheek, not her lips. He tasted her tears as her eyelashes released their hold. He stared down at her, his thumbs brushing back the tears that fell, wishing he could make them stop but unable to bring himself to kiss her.
She stepped away from his touch and turned her back on him. “What do you want from me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you come asking me out, but you can barely stand to touch me.”
“Can you blame me?” He ranted before he could check his words at his mouth. “I mean, I am trying. Just give me time.”
She turned to him and he closed his eyes as she cupped his cheeks, resisting the urge to step from her touch. I want to forgive her, God. His eyes opened slowly as he whispered his prayer, something that he hadn’t done in a long time.
He kissed her forehead and turned to leave. “I’ll see you Sunday?”
“Sure.”
He jogged down the stairs as if she were chasing him. He tore off in his car, dashing at the tears blurring his vision. He had to check his speed several times on the drive home, his emotions revving like the motor on his car.
Once, he punched the steering wheel, his horn emitting a blast that didn’t come close to his anger. He ignored the questioning look from the driver next him.
Without much hope, he prayed in his car. “God, I love her, so why can’t I forgive her?”
Minutes later, sitting in his driveway, he gave full reign to his tears. He tried to control their descent, but he’d lost control a long time ago. Maybe I never had it. With his forehead on the steering wheel, he cried out, “I love her, God. Help us to get back to the way we were before she turned her back on me.”
Holly sat on the worn sofa in her living room, Espresso at her feet with her head cocked in question. “What?” Holly asked the cat. “You should be used to me crying by now.”
The cat meowed her reply, and Holly leaned back, placing her feet on the coffee table.
“This isn’t going to work, Espresso. He isn’t ever going to forget what I did.”
Espresso jumped up into her lap, circling before she curled up on in a creamy and brown ball.
“I’m glad one of us can sleep in peace.” Holly scoffed.
She ran her hand down the cat’s soft coat, thinking back to what her father said. Peace would only come when she kept her eyes firmly fixed on God.
She closed her eyes and began a hesitant prayer. “God, I know I am a mess. I know I am unworthy of your consideration, let alone your mercy. I have spent my life making choices that had nothing to do with you. I was hurt and needed love, and my dad and his family failed. So I ran and pushed them away. I was hurt and angry at Hunter, and every time he brought up his mother, it made me feel more and more like my mom. So I ran and pushed him away with Seth. And then I lost my little Heather before she even had a chance to be born. I was broken and hopeless. My life was meaningless, and I had gotten to the point where I wondered if it was worth going on.”
Holly heaved a sigh, one that began with a breath of sadness but ended with a whisper of faith. “But You God – when I was in my darkest hour – You sent my father to remind me about Your love. Your love can span the breadth of my emotions, wash away the stench of my sins, and heal me from the pain of my choices and the effects of the choices of others.”
Her voice grew a tiny bit louder as her declarations strengthened her faith. “You were there when I was standing over the bodies of my dead parents. You were there when I walked into the Buckner’s house, and You were still there when I walked out. You never left me – even when I turned to Seth and turned away from You. I saw myself as unworthy, but You loved me enough to still pursue my redemption.”
Holly’s heart felt like bursting as the faith that was building within her made her want to shout. “I may be unworthy, but Lord, You are worthy of everything I have to give. I love You and I will follow You wherever You lead me. I surrender every sin, every emotion, and every thought to You, Lord.”
Chapter Sixteen
Holly could feel the tension in the air the second she sat down in Hunter’s car. He gripped the steering wheel and she could see the muscle in his jaw working.
“What’s wrong?” She didn’t know if she wanted to know.
“Nothing.” He bit out.
“We don’t have to go to my dad’s house if you don’t...”
“No, that’s fine.” He said, his cold eyes flashing her way. “But I’m not sure why you want to associate yourself with him. He’s an adulterer and you...” He raked his hand through his hair and started the car. “I just don’t think it is good for you to be surrounded by people who are going to lead you astray.”
“He made a mistake and so did I.” His words stung, but she tried to push the pain away. He had a right, she thought.
“If this is going to work out, you can’t make any more mistakes.”
His sarcastic emphasis on the last word left her little doubt to how he really felt about her. “Hunter, how many times do I have to tell you how sorry I am...?”
“Until you make it go away!” His shout reverberated throughout the car.
He pulled over to a parking lot. “I am trying to forgive you. I am trying to get past all of this.”
He looked out the window, his jaw working again. Finally he spoke, his voice ca
lm, but his anger was as vibrant as the fall foliage that surrounded them. “I want to, but it is always there.”
Holly looked down at her hands in her lap. Stifling the tears, she whispered, “My father has been teaching me a lot about surrendering my life to God.”
“You’ve been learning about God from him?”
She jerked her head toward him, and she could tell he was sorry for what he said, but the words stung just the same.
“Yes, he has been showing me that what I focus on is what I will be a slave to. When we were married, I was focused on my past, my emotions, your jealousy and rigid view of everyone, especially your mom.”
“You’re not going to blame...”
“Just listen, Hunter.” She interrupted his angry tirade. “I was focused on all of that, but I never took any of it to God. I never said, ‘Hey, God, I am feeling so unworthy and unloved. I am tired of Hunter accusing me and when he goes off on his mother, I feel like he is going off on me. I feel the stain of her sin just as much as I feel the stain of my parents’ sin. I need You, God, to help me sort this out. Right my wrong thinking.’”
She took a steadying breath before she continued. “I understand you have a right to be angry about what happened with Seth.”
“Anger is not a strong enough word.”
She tried to touch him, but he jerked back. Holly sighed and continued, “My father told me that whatever you obey, you become a slave to it. I obeyed my emotions, and they led me around. You are obeying your anger. It is leading you around and you cannot forget what your mom did, and you won’t be able to forget what I did until you let God work in your heart.”
“So you are all fixed and healed, ready to move on.” Sarcasm dripped from his words.
“I want your love and I want your forgiveness. Hunter, you will always be in my heart, and I want you in my life.”
“Holly, I really want to move on.” His jaw set, he bit out the next words between clenched teeth. “But I can’t even kiss you without seeing...” His unspoken words hung between them.
“My dad taught me that we look at the surface of people and we see their sins – but underneath the sin is what God works with. When he comes to eradicate our sin, he just doesn’t take care of the surface, He shines His light into the depths of our heart. He doesn’t just say don’t commit adultery, He changes us - He takes our past, our emotions, and all of our twisted thinking - and He changes us through His word and through His love.”
Brides and Betrayal (Reconciled and Redeemed Book 1) Page 12
