Martin Chuzzlewit

by Charles Dickens

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  IN WHICH MR CHEVY SLYME ASSERTS THE INDEPENDENCE OF HIS SPIRIT, AND THEBLUE DRAGON LOSES A LIMB

  Martin began to work at the grammar-school next morning, with so muchvigour and expedition, that Mr Pinch had new reason to do homage tothe natural endowments of that young gentleman, and to acknowledgehis infinite superiority to himself. The new pupil received Tom'scompliments very graciously; and having by this time conceived a realregard for him, in his own peculiar way, predicted that they wouldalways be the very best of friends, and that neither of them, he wascertain (but particularly Tom), would ever have reason to regret the dayon which they became acquainted. Mr Pinch was delighted to hear him saythis, and felt so much flattered by his kind assurances of friendshipand protection, that he was at a loss how to express the pleasure theyafforded him. And indeed it may be observed of this friendship, such asit was, that it had within it more likely materials of endurance thanmany a sworn brotherhood that has been rich in promise; for so long asthe one party found a pleasure in patronizing, and the other inbeing patronised (which was in the very essence of their respectivecharacters), it was of all possible events among the least probable,that the twin demons, Envy and Pride, would ever arise between them. Soin very many cases of friendship, or what passes for it, the old axiomis reversed, and like clings to unlike more than to like.

  They were both very busy on the afternoon succeeding the family'sdeparture--Martin with the grammar-school, and Tom in balancing certainreceipts of rents, and deducting Mr Pecksniff's commission from thesame; in which abstruse employment he was much distracted by a habit hisnew friend had of whistling aloud while he was drawing--when they werenot a little startled by the unexpected obtrusion into that sanctuary ofgenius, of a human head which, although a shaggy and somewhat alarminghead in appearance, smiled affably upon them from the doorway, ina manner that was at once waggish, conciliatory, and expressive ofapprobation.

  'I am not industrious myself, gents both,' said the head, 'but I knowhow to appreciate that quality in others. I wish I may turn greyand ugly, if it isn't in my opinion, next to genius, one of the verycharmingest qualities of the human mind. Upon my soul, I am gratefulto my friend Pecksniff for helping me to the contemplation of sucha delicious picture as you present. You remind me of Whittington,afterwards thrice Lord Mayor of London. I give you my unsullied word ofhonour, that you very strongly remind me of that historical character.You are a pair of Whittingtons, gents, without the cat; which is a mostagreeable and blessed exception to me, for I am not attached to thefeline species. My name is Tigg; how do you do?'

  Martin looked to Mr Pinch for an explanation; and Tom, who had never inhis life set eyes on Mr Tigg before, looked to that gentleman himself.

  'Chevy Slyme?' said Mr Tigg, interrogatively, and kissing his left handin token of friendship. 'You will understand me when I say that I am theaccredited agent of Chevy Slyme; that I am the ambassador from the courtof Chiv? Ha ha!'

  'Heyday!' asked Martin, starting at the mention of a name he knew.'Pray, what does he want with me?'

  'If your name is Pinch'--Mr Tigg began.

  'It is not' said Martin, checking himself. 'That is Mr Pinch.'

  'If that is Mr Pinch,' cried Tigg, kissing his hand again, and beginningto follow his head into the room, 'he will permit me to say that Igreatly esteem and respect his character, which has been most highlycommended to me by my friend Pecksniff; and that I deeply appreciate histalent for the organ, notwithstanding that I do not, if I may use theexpression, grind myself. If that is Mr Pinch, I will venture to expressa hope that I see him well, and that he is suffering no inconveniencefrom the easterly wind?'

  'Thank you,' said Tom. 'I am very well.'

  'That is a comfort,' Mr Tigg rejoined. 'Then,' he added, shielding hislips with the palm of his hand, and applying them close to Mr Pinch'sear, 'I have come for the letter.'

  'For the letter,' said Tom, aloud. 'What letter?'

  'The letter,' whispered Tigg in the same cautious manner as before,'which my friend Pecksniff addressed to Chevy Slyme, Esquire, and leftwith you.'

  'He didn't leave any letter with me,' said Tom.

  'Hush!' cried the other. 'It's all the same thing, though not sodelicately done by my friend Pecksniff as I could have wished. Themoney.'

  'The money!' cried Tom quite scared.

  'Exactly so,' said Mr Tigg. With which he rapped Tom twice or thriceupon the breast and nodded several times, as though he would say that hesaw they understood each other; that it was unnecessary to mentionthe circumstance before a third person; and that he would take it as aparticular favour if Tom would slip the amount into his hand, as quietlyas possible.

  Mr Pinch, however, was so very much astounded by this (to him)inexplicable deportment, that he at once openly declared there must besome mistake, and that he had been entrusted with no commission whateverhaving any reference to Mr Tigg or to his friend, either. Mr Tiggreceived this declaration with a grave request that Mr Pinch would havethe goodness to make it again; and on Tom's repeating it in a still moreemphatic and unmistakable manner, checked it off, sentence for sentence,by nodding his head solemnly at the end of each. When it had come toa close for the second time, Mr Tigg sat himself down in a chair andaddressed the young men as follows:

  'Then I tell you what it is, gents both. There is at this present momentin this very place, a perfect constellation of talent and genius, who isinvolved, through what I cannot but designate as the culpable negligenceof my friend Pecksniff, in a situation as tremendous, perhaps, as thesocial intercourse of the nineteenth century will readily admitof. There is actually at this instant, at the Blue Dragon in thisvillage--an ale-house, observe; a common, paltry, low-minded,clodhopping, pipe-smoking ale-house--an individual, of whom it may besaid, in the language of the Poet, that nobody but himself can in anyway come up to him; who is detained there for his bill. Ha! ha! For hisbill. I repeat it--for his bill. Now,' said Mr Tigg, 'we have heardof Fox's Book of Martyrs, I believe, and we have heard of the Court ofRequests, and the Star Chamber; but I fear the contradiction of no manalive or dead, when I assert that my friend Chevy Slyme being heldin pawn for a bill, beats any amount of cockfighting with which I amacquainted.'

  Martin and Mr Pinch looked, first at each other, and afterwards at MrTigg, who with his arms folded on his breast surveyed them, half indespondency and half in bitterness.

  'Don't mistake me, gents both,' he said, stretching forth his righthand. 'If it had been for anything but a bill, I could have borne it,and could still have looked upon mankind with some feeling of respect;but when such a man as my friend Slyme is detained for a score--a thingin itself essentially mean; a low performance on a slate, or possiblychalked upon the back of a door--I do feel that there is a screw ofsuch magnitude loose somewhere, that the whole framework of societyis shaken, and the very first principles of things can no longer betrusted. In short, gents both,' said Mr Tigg with a passionate flourishof his hands and head, 'when a man like Slyme is detained for sucha thing as a bill, I reject the superstitions of ages, and believenothing. I don't even believe that I DON'T believe, curse me if I do!'

  'I am very sorry, I am sure,' said Tom after a pause, 'but MrPecksniff said nothing to me about it, and I couldn't act without hisinstructions. Wouldn't it be better, sir, if you were to go to--towherever you came from--yourself, and remit the money to your friend?'

  'How can that be done, when I am detained also?' said Mr Tigg; 'and whenmoreover, owing to the astounding, and I must add, guilty negligence ofmy friend Pecksniff, I have no money for coach-hire?'

  Tom thought of reminding the gentleman (who, no doubt, in his agitationhad forgotten it) that there was a post-office in the land; and thatpossibly if he wrote to some friend or agent for a remittance it mightnot be lost upon the road; or at all events that the chance, howeverdesperate, was worth trusting to. But, as his good-nature presentlysuggested to him certain reasons for abstaining from this hint, hepaused again, and then asked:


  'Did you say, sir, that you were detained also?'

  'Come here,' said Mr Tigg, rising. 'You have no objection to my openingthis window for a moment?'

  'Certainly not,' said Tom.

  'Very good,' said Mr Tigg, lifting the sash. 'You see a fellow downthere in a red neckcloth and no waistcoat?'

  'Of course I do,' cried Tom. 'That's Mark Tapley.'

  'Mark Tapley is it?' said the gentleman. 'Then Mark Tapley had not onlythe great politeness to follow me to this house, but is waiting now, tosee me home again. And for that attention, sir,' added Mr Tigg, strokinghis moustache, 'I can tell you, that Mark Tapley had better in hisinfancy have been fed to suffocation by Mrs Tapley, than preserved tothis time.'

  Mr Pinch was not so dismayed by this terrible threat, but that he hadvoice enough to call to Mark to come in, and upstairs; a summons whichhe so speedily obeyed, that almost as soon as Tom and Mr Tigg had drawnin their heads and closed the window again, he, the denounced, appearedbefore them.

  'Come here, Mark!' said Mr Pinch. 'Good gracious me! what's the matterbetween Mrs Lupin and this gentleman?'

  'What gentleman, sir?' said Mark. 'I don't see no gentleman here sir,excepting you and the new gentleman,' to whom he made a rough kind ofbow--'and there's nothing wrong between Mrs Lupin and either of you, MrPinch, I am sure.'

  'Nonsense, Mark!' cried Tom. 'You see Mr--'

  'Tigg,' interposed that gentleman. 'Wait a bit. I shall crush him soon.All in good time!'

  'Oh HIM!' rejoined Mark, with an air of careless defiance. 'Yes, I seeHIM. I could see him a little better, if he'd shave himself, and get hishair cut.'

  Mr Tigg shook his head with a ferocious look, and smote himself onceupon the breast.

  'It's no use,' said Mark. 'If you knock ever so much in that quarter,you'll get no answer. I know better. There's nothing there but padding;and a greasy sort it is.'

  'Nay, Mark,' urged Mr Pinch, interposing to prevent hostilities, 'tellme what I ask you. You're not out of temper, I hope?'

  'Out of temper, sir!' cried Mark, with a grin; 'why no, sir. There'sa little credit--not much--in being jolly, when such fellows as him isa-going about like roaring lions; if there is any breed of lions, atleast, as is all roar and mane. What is there between him and Mrs Lupin,sir? Why, there's a score between him and Mrs Lupin. And I think MrsLupin lets him and his friend off very easy in not charging 'em doubleprices for being a disgrace to the Dragon. That's my opinion. I wouldn'thave any such Peter the Wild Boy as him in my house, sir, not if I waspaid race-week prices for it. He's enough to turn the very beer inthe casks sour with his looks; he is! So he would, if it had judgmentenough.'

  'You're not answering my question, you know, Mark,' observed Mr Pinch.

  'Well, sir,' said Mark, 'I don't know as there's much to answer furtherthan that. Him and his friend goes and stops at the Moon and Stars tillthey've run a bill there; and then comes and stops with us and does thesame. The running of bills is common enough Mr Pinch; it an't that aswe object to; it's the ways of this chap. Nothing's good enough for him;all the women is dying for him he thinks, and is overpaid if he winks at'em; and all the men was made to be ordered about by him. This not beingaggravation enough, he says this morning to me, in his usual captivatingway, "We're going to-night, my man." "Are you, sir?" says I. "Perhapsyou'd like the bill got ready, sir?" "Oh no, my man," he says; "youneedn't mind that. I'll give Pecksniff orders to see to that." In replyto which, the Dragon makes answer, "Thankee, sir, you're very kind tohonour us so far, but as we don't know any particular good of you, andyou don't travel with luggage, and Mr Pecksniff an't at home (whichperhaps you mayn't happen to be aware of, sir), we should prefersomething more satisfactory;" and that's where the matter stands. And Iask,' said Mr Tapley, pointing, in conclusion, to Mr Tigg, with his hat,'any lady or gentleman, possessing ordinary strength of mind, to saywhether he's a disagreeable-looking chap or not!'

  'Let me inquire,' said Martin, interposing between this candid speechand the delivery of some blighting anathema by Mr Tigg, 'what the amountof this debt may be?'

  'In point of money, sir, very little,' answered Mark. 'Only just turnedof three pounds. But it an't that; it's the--'

  'Yes, yes, you told us so before,' said Martin. 'Pinch, a word withyou.'

  'What is it?' asked Tom, retiring with him to a corner of the room.

  'Why, simply--I am ashamed to say--that this Mr Slyme is a relation ofmine, of whom I never heard anything pleasant; and that I don't want himhere just now, and think he would be cheaply got rid of, perhaps, forthree or four pounds. You haven't enough money to pay this bill, Isuppose?'

  Tom shook his head to an extent that left no doubt of his entiresincerity.

  'That's unfortunate, for I am poor too; and in case you had had it, I'dhave borrowed it of you. But if we told this landlady we would see herpaid, I suppose that would answer the same purpose?'

  'Oh dear, yes!' said Tom. 'She knows me, bless you!'

  'Then let us go down at once and tell her so; for the sooner we are ridof their company the better. As you have conducted the conversation withthis gentleman hitherto, perhaps you'll tell him what we purpose doing;will you?'

  Mr Pinch, complying, at once imparted the intelligence to Mr Tigg, whoshook him warmly by the hand in return, assuring him that his faith inanything and everything was again restored. It was not so much, he said,for the temporary relief of this assistance that he prized it, as forits vindication of the high principle that Nature's Nobs felt withNature's Nobs, and that true greatness of soul sympathized with truegreatness of soul, all the world over. It proved to him, he said, thatlike him they admired genius, even when it was coupled with the alloyoccasionally visible in the metal of his friend Slyme; and on behalfof that friend, he thanked them; as warmly and heartily as if thecause were his own. Being cut short in these speeches by a general movetowards the stairs, he took possession at the street door of the lapelof Mr Pinch's coat, as a security against further interruption; andentertained that gentleman with some highly improving discourse untilthey reached the Dragon, whither they were closely followed by Mark andthe new pupil.

  The rosy hostess scarcely needed Mr Pinch's word as a preliminary tothe release of her two visitors, of whom she was glad to be rid onany terms; indeed, their brief detention had originated mainly withMr Tapley, who entertained a constitutional dislike to gentlemanout-at-elbows who flourished on false pretences; and had conceived aparticular aversion to Mr Tigg and his friend, as choice specimens ofthe species. The business in hand thus easily settled, Mr Pinch andMartin would have withdrawn immediately, but for the urgent entreatiesof Mr Tigg that they would allow him the honour of presenting themto his friend Slyme, which were so very difficult of resistance that,yielding partly to these persuasions and partly to their own curiosity,they suffered themselves to be ushered into the presence of thatdistinguished gentleman.

  He was brooding over the remains of yesterday's decanter of brandy, andwas engaged in the thoughtful occupation of making a chain of rings onthe top of the table with the wet foot of his drinking-glass. Wretchedand forlorn as he looked, Mr Slyme had once been in his way, thechoicest of swaggerers; putting forth his pretensions boldly, as aman of infinite taste and most undoubted promise. The stock-in-traderequisite to set up an amateur in this department of business is veryslight, and easily got together; a trick of the nose and a curl of thelip sufficient to compound a tolerable sneer, being ample provision forany exigency. But, in an evil hour, this off-shoot of the Chuzzlewittrunk, being lazy, and ill qualified for any regular pursuit and havingdissipated such means as he ever possessed, had formally establishedhimself as a professor of Taste for a livelihood; and finding, too late,that something more than his old amount of qualifications was necessaryto sustain him in this calling, had quickly fallen to his present level,where he retained nothing of his old self but his boastfulness and hisbile, and seemed to have no existence separate or apart from his friendTigg. And now so abject and so pitif
ul was he--at once so maudlin,insolent, beggarly, and proud--that even his friend and parasite,standing erect beside him, swelled into a Man by contrast.

  'Chiv,' said Mr Tigg, clapping him on the back, 'my friend Pecksniff notbeing at home, I have arranged our trifling piece of business with MrPinch and friend. Mr Pinch and friend, Mr Chevy Slyme! Chiv, Mr Pinchand friend!'

  'These are agreeable circumstances in which to be introduced tostrangers,' said Chevy Slyme, turning his bloodshot eyes towards TomPinch. 'I am the most miserable man in the world, I believe!'

  Tom begged he wouldn't mention it; and finding him in this condition,retired, after an awkward pause, followed by Martin. But Mr Tigg sourgently conjured them, by coughs and signs, to remain in the shadow ofthe door, that they stopped there.

  'I swear,' cried Mr Slyme, giving the table an imbecile blow with hisfist, and then feebly leaning his head upon his hand, while some drunkendrops oozed from his eyes, 'that I am the wretchedest creature onrecord. Society is in a conspiracy against me. I'm the most literaryman alive. I'm full of scholarship. I'm full of genius; I'm full ofinformation; I'm full of novel views on every subject; yet look at mycondition! I'm at this moment obliged to two strangers for a tavernbill!'

  Mr Tigg replenished his friend's glass, pressed it into his hand, andnodded an intimation to the visitors that they would see him in a betteraspect immediately.

  'Obliged to two strangers for a tavern bill, eh!' repeated Mr Slyme,after a sulky application to his glass. 'Very pretty! And crowds ofimpostors, the while, becoming famous; men who are no more on a levelwith me than--Tigg, I take you to witness that I am the most persecutedhound on the face of the earth.'

  With a whine, not unlike the cry of the animal he named, in its loweststate of humiliation, he raised his glass to his mouth again. He foundsome encouragement in it; for when he set it down he laughed scornfully.Upon that Mr Tigg gesticulated to the visitors once more, and with greatexpression, implying that now the time was come when they would see Chivin his greatness.

  'Ha, ha, ha,' laughed Mr Slyme. 'Obliged to two strangers for a tavernbill! Yet I think I've a rich uncle, Tigg, who could buy up the unclesof fifty strangers! Have I, or have I not? I come of a good family,I believe! Do I, or do I not? I'm not a man of common capacity oraccomplishments, I think! Am I, or am I not?'

  'You are the American aloe of the human race, my dear Chiv,' said MrTigg, 'which only blooms once in a hundred years!'

  'Ha, ha, ha!' laughed Mr Slyme again. 'Obliged to two strangers fora tavern bill! I obliged to two architect's apprentices. Fellows whomeasure earth with iron chains, and build houses like bricklayers. Giveme the names of those two apprentices. How dare they oblige me!'

  Mr Tigg was quite lost in admiration of this noble trait in his friend'scharacter; as he made known to Mr Pinch in a neat little ballet ofaction, spontaneously invented for the purpose.

  'I'll let 'em know, and I'll let all men know,' cried Chevy Slyme,'that I'm none of the mean, grovelling, tame characters they meet withcommonly. I have an independent spirit. I have a heart that swells in mybosom. I have a soul that rises superior to base considerations.'

  'Oh Chiv, Chiv,' murmured Mr Tigg, 'you have a nobly independent nature,Chiv!'

  'You go and do your duty, sir,' said Mr Slyme, angrily, 'and borrowmoney for travelling expenses; and whoever you borrow it of, let 'emknow that I possess a haughty spirit, and a proud spirit, and haveinfernally finely-touched chords in my nature, which won't brookpatronage. Do you hear? Tell 'em I hate 'em, and that that's the wayI preserve my self-respect; and tell 'em that no man ever respectedhimself more than I do!'

  He might have added that he hated two sorts of men; all those who didhim favours, and all those who were better off than himself; as ineither case their position was an insult to a man of his stupendousmerits. But he did not; for with the apt closing words above recited, MrSlyme; of too haughty a stomach to work, to beg, to borrow, or to steal;yet mean enough to be worked or borrowed, begged or stolen for, by anycatspaw that would serve his turn; too insolent to lick the hand thatfed him in his need, yet cur enough to bite and tear it in the dark;with these apt closing words Mr Slyme fell forward with his head uponthe table, and so declined into a sodden sleep.

  'Was there ever,' cried Mr Tigg, joining the young men at the door,and shutting it carefully behind him, 'such an independent spirit as ispossessed by that extraordinary creature? Was there ever such a Roman asour friend Chiv? Was there ever a man of such a purely classical turn ofthought, and of such a toga-like simplicity of nature? Was there ever aman with such a flow of eloquence? Might he not, gents both, I ask, havesat upon a tripod in the ancient times, and prophesied to a perfectlyunlimited extent, if previously supplied with gin-and-water at thepublic cost?'

  Mr Pinch was about to contest this latter position with his usualmildness, when, observing that his companion had already gonedownstairs, he prepared to follow him.

  'You are not going, Mr Pinch?' said Tigg.

  'Thank you,' answered Tom. 'Yes. Don't come down.'

  'Do you know that I should like one little word in private with you MrPinch?' said Tigg, following him. 'One minute of your company in theskittle-ground would very much relieve my mind. Might I beseech thatfavour?'

  'Oh, certainly,' replied Tom, 'if you really wish it.' So he accompaniedMr Tigg to the retreat in question; on arriving at which place thatgentleman took from his hat what seemed to be the fossil remains of anantediluvian pocket-handkerchief, and wiped his eyes therewith.

  'You have not beheld me this day,' said Mr Tigg, 'in a favourablelight.'

  'Don't mention that,' said Tom, 'I beg.'

  'But you have NOT,' cried Tigg. 'I must persist in that opinion. If youcould have seen me, Mr Pinch, at the head of my regiment on the coastof Africa, charging in the form of a hollow square, with the women andchildren and the regimental plate-chest in the centre, you would nothave known me for the same man. You would have respected me, sir.'

  Tom had certain ideas of his own upon the subject of glory; andconsequently he was not quite so much excited by this picture as Mr Tiggcould have desired.

  'But no matter!' said that gentleman. 'The school-boy writing home tohis parents and describing the milk-and-water, said "This is indeedweakness." I repeat that assertion in reference to myself at the presentmoment; and I ask your pardon. Sir, you have seen my friend Slyme?'

  'No doubt,' said Mr Pinch.

  'Sir, you have been impressed by my friend Slyme?'

  'Not very pleasantly, I must say,' answered Tom, after a littlehesitation.

  'I am grieved but not surprised,' cried Mr Tigg, detaining him with bothhands, 'to hear that you have come to that conclusion; for it is my own.But, Mr Pinch, though I am a rough and thoughtless man, I can honourMind. I honour Mind in following my friend. To you of all men, Mr Pinch,I have a right to make appeal on Mind's behalf, when it has not the artto push its fortune in the world. And so, sir--not for myself, who haveno claim upon you, but for my crushed, my sensitive and independentfriend, who has--I ask the loan of three half-crowns. I ask you for theloan of three half-crowns, distinctly, and without a blush. I ask it,almost as a right. And when I add that they will be returned by post,this week, I feel that you will blame me for that sordid stipulation.'

  Mr Pinch took from his pocket an old-fashioned red-leather purse witha steel clasp, which had probably once belonged to his deceasedgrandmother. It held one half-sovereign and no more. All Tom's worldlywealth until next quarter-day.

  'Stay!' cried Mr Tigg, who had watched this proceeding keenly. 'I wasjust about to say, that for the convenience of posting you had bettermake it gold. Thank you. A general direction, I suppose, to Mr Pinch atMr Pecksniff's--will that find you?'

  'That'll find me,' said Tom. 'You had better put Esquire to MrPecksniff's name, if you please. Direct to me, you know, at SethPecksniff's, Esquire.'

  'At Seth Pecksniff's, Esquire,' repeated Mr Tigg, taking an exact noteof it with a stump of pencil. 'We said
this week, I believe?'

  'Yes; or Monday will do,' observed Tom.

  'No, no, I beg your pardon. Monday will NOT do,' said Mr Tigg. 'If westipulated for this week, Saturday is the latest day. Did we stipulatefor this week?'

  'Since you are so particular about it,' said Tom, 'I think we did.'

  Mr Tigg added this condition to his memorandum; read the entry over tohimself with a severe frown; and that the transaction might be the morecorrect and business-like, appended his initials to the whole. Thatdone, he assured Mr Pinch that everything was now perfectly regular;and, after squeezing his hand with great fervour, departed.

  Tom entertained enough suspicion that Martin might possibly turn thisinterview into a jest, to render him desirous to avoid the company ofthat young gentleman for the present. With this view he took a few turnsup and down the skittle-ground, and did not re-enter the house untilMr Tigg and his friend had quitted it, and the new pupil and Mark werewatching their departure from one of the windows.

  'I was just a-saying, sir, that if one could live by it,' observed Mark,pointing after their late guests, 'that would be the sort of servicefor me. Waiting on such individuals as them would be better thangrave-digging, sir.'

  'And staying here would be better than either, Mark,' replied Tom. 'Sotake my advice, and continue to swim easily in smooth water.'

  'It's too late to take it now, sir,' said Mark. 'I have broke it to her,sir. I am off to-morrow morning.'

  'Off!' cried Mr Pinch, 'where to?'

  'I shall go up to London, sir.'

  'What to be?' asked Mr Pinch.

  'Well! I don't know yet, sir. Nothing turned up that day I opened mymind to you, as was at all likely to suit me. All them trades I thoughtof was a deal too jolly; there was no credit at all to be got in anyof 'em. I must look for a private service, I suppose, sir. I might bebrought out strong, perhaps, in a serious family, Mr Pinch.'

  'Perhaps you might come out rather too strong for a serious family'staste, Mark.'

  'That's possible, sir. If I could get into a wicked family, I mightdo myself justice; but the difficulty is to make sure of one's ground,because a young man can't very well advertise that he wants a place, andwages an't so much an object as a wicked sitivation; can he, sir?'

  'Why, no,' said Mr Pinch, 'I don't think he can.'

  'An envious family,' pursued Mark, with a thoughtful face; 'or aquarrelsome family, or a malicious family, or even a good out-and-outmean family, would open a field of action as I might do something in.The man as would have suited me of all other men was that old gentlemanas was took ill here, for he really was a trying customer. Howsever, Imust wait and see what turns up, sir; and hope for the worst.'

  'You are determined to go then?' said Mr Pinch.

  'My box is gone already, sir, by the waggon, and I'm going to walk onto-morrow morning, and get a lift by the day coach when it overtakes me.So I wish you good-bye, Mr Pinch--and you too, sir--and all good luckand happiness!'

  They both returned his greeting laughingly, and walked home arm-in-arm.Mr Pinch imparting to his new friend, as they went, such furtherparticulars of Mark Tapley's whimsical restlessness as the reader isalready acquainted with.

  In the meantime Mark, having a shrewd notion that his mistress wasin very low spirits, and that he could not exactly answer for theconsequences of any lengthened TETE-A-TETE in the bar, kept himselfobstinately out of her way all the afternoon and evening. In this pieceof generalship he was very much assisted by the great influx of companyinto the taproom; for the news of his intention having gone abroad,there was a perfect throng there all the evening, and much drinking ofhealths and clinking of mugs. At length the house was closed for thenight; and there being now no help for it, Mark put the best face hecould upon the matter, and walked doggedly to the bar-door.

  'If I look at her,' said Mark to himself, 'I'm done. I feel that I'ma-going fast.'

  'You have come at last,' said Mrs Lupin.

  Aye, Mark said: There he was.

  'And you are determined to leave us, Mark?' cried Mrs Lupin.

  'Why, yes; I am,' said Mark; keeping his eyes hard upon the floor.

  'I thought,' pursued the landlady, with a most engaging hesitation,'that you had been--fond--of the Dragon?'

  'So I am,' said Mark.

  'Then,' pursued the hostess--and it really was not an unnaturalinquiry--'why do you desert it?'

  But as he gave no manner of answer to this question; not even onits being repeated; Mrs Lupin put his money into his hand, and askedhim--not unkindly, quite the contrary--what he would take?

  It is proverbial that there are certain things which flesh and bloodcannot bear. Such a question as this, propounded in such a manner, atsuch a time, and by such a person, proved (at least, as far as, Mark'sflesh and blood were concerned) to be one of them. He looked up in spiteof himself directly; and having once looked up, there was nolooking down again; for of all the tight, plump, buxom, bright-eyed,dimple-faced landladies that ever shone on earth, there stood before himthen, bodily in that bar, the very pink and pineapple.

  'Why, I tell you what,' said Mark, throwing off all his constraint in aninstant and seizing the hostess round the waist--at which she was not atall alarmed, for she knew what a good young man he was--'if I took whatI liked most, I should take you. If I only thought what was best for me,I should take you. If I took what nineteen young fellows in twenty wouldbe glad to take, and would take at any price, I should take you. Yes,I should,' cried Mr Tapley, shaking his head expressively enough, andlooking (in a momentary state of forgetfulness) rather hard at thehostess's ripe lips. 'And no man wouldn't wonder if I did!'

  Mrs Lupin said he amazed her. She was astonished how he could say suchthings. She had never thought it of him.

  'Why, I never thought if of myself till now!' said Mark, raising hiseyebrows with a look of the merriest possible surprise. 'I alwaysexpected we should part, and never have no explanation; I meant to do itwhen I come in here just now; but there's something about you, as makesa man sensible. Then let us have a word or two together; letting it beunderstood beforehand,' he added this in a grave tone, to prevent thepossibility of any mistake, 'that I'm not a-going to make no love, youknow.'

  There was for just one second a shade, though not by any means a darkone, on the landlady's open brow. But it passed off instantly, in alaugh that came from her very heart.

  'Oh, very good!' she said; 'if there is to be no love-making, you hadbetter take your arm away.'

  'Lord, why should I!' cried Mark. 'It's quite innocent.'

  'Of course it's innocent,' returned the hostess, 'or I shouldn't allowit.'

  'Very well!' said Mark. 'Then let it be.'

  There was so much reason in this that the landlady laughed again,suffered it to remain, and bade him say what he had to say, and be quickabout it. But he was an impudent fellow, she added.

  'Ha ha! I almost think I am!' cried Mark, 'though I never thought sobefore. Why, I can say anything to-night!'

  'Say what you're going to say if you please, and be quick,' returned thelandlady, 'for I want to get to bed.'

  'Why, then, my dear good soul,' said Mark, 'and a kinder woman than youare never drawed breath--let me see the man as says she did!--what wouldbe the likely consequence of us two being--'

  'Oh nonsense!' cried Mrs Lupin. 'Don't talk about that any more.'

  'No, no, but it an't nonsense,' said Mark; 'and I wish you'd attend.What would be the likely consequence of us two being married? If I can'tbe content and comfortable in this here lively Dragon now, is it to belooked for as I should be then? By no means. Very good. Then you, evenwith your good humour, would be always on the fret and worrit, alwaysuncomfortable in your own mind, always a-thinking as you was getting tooold for my taste, always a-picturing me to yourself as being chainedup to the Dragon door, and wanting to break away. I don't know that itwould be so,' said Mark, 'but I don't know that it mightn't be. I am aroving sort of chap, I know. I'm fond of change. I'm always a
-thinkingthat with my good health and spirits it would be more creditable in meto be jolly where there's things a-going on to make one dismal. It maybe a mistake of mine you see, but nothing short of trying how it actswill set it right. Then an't it best that I should go; particular whenyour free way has helped me out to say all this, and we can part asgood friends as we have ever been since first I entered this here nobleDragon, which,' said Mr Tapley in conclusion, 'has my good word and mygood wish to the day of my death!'

  The hostess sat quite silent for a little time, but she very soon putboth her hands in Mark's and shook them heartily.

  'For you are a good man,' she said; looking into his face with a smile,which was rather serious for her. 'And I do believe have been a betterfriend to me to-night than ever I have had in all my life.'

  'Oh! as to that, you know,' said Mark, 'that's nonsense. But love myheart alive!' he added, looking at her in a sort of rapture, 'if you AREthat way disposed, what a lot of suitable husbands there is as you maydrive distracted!'

  She laughed again at this compliment; and, once more shaking him by bothhands, and bidding him, if he should ever want a friend, to rememberher, turned gayly from the little bar and up the Dragon staircase.

  'Humming a tune as she goes,' said Mark, listening, 'in case I shouldthink she's at all put out, and should be made down-hearted. Come,here's some credit in being jolly, at last!'

  With that piece of comfort, very ruefully uttered, he went, in anythingbut a jolly manner, to bed.

  He rose early next morning, and was a-foot soon after sunrise. But itwas of no use; the whole place was up to see Mark Tapley off; the boys,the dogs, the children, the old men, the busy people and the idlers;there they were, all calling out 'Good-b'ye, Mark,' after their ownmanner, and all sorry he was going. Somehow he had a kind of sense thathis old mistress was peeping from her chamber-window, but he couldn'tmake up his mind to look back.

  'Good-b'ye one, good-b'ye all!' cried Mark, waving his hat on the topof his walking-stick, as he strode at a quick pace up the little street.'Hearty chaps them wheelwrights--hurrah! Here's the butcher's doga-coming out of the garden--down, old fellow! And Mr Pinch a-going tohis organ--good-b'ye, sir! And the terrier-bitch from over the way--hie,then, lass! And children enough to hand down human natur to the latestposterity--good-b'ye, boys and girls! There's some credit in it now. I'ma-coming out strong at last. These are the circumstances that would trya ordinary mind; but I'm uncommon jolly. Not quite as jolly as I couldwish to be, but very near. Good-b'ye! good-b'ye!'