Martin Chuzzlewit

by Charles Dickens

  CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

  FURTHER CONTINUATION OF THE ENTERPRISE OF MR JONAS AND HIS FRIEND

  It was a special quality, among the many admirable qualities possessedby Mr Pecksniff, that the more he was found out, the more hypocrisy hepractised. Let him be discomfited in one quarter, and he refreshed andrecompensed himself by carrying the war into another. If his workingsand windings were detected by A, so much the greater reason was therefor practicing without loss of time on B, if it were only to keep hishand in. He had never been such a saintly and improving spectacle to allabout him, as after his detection by Thomas Pinch. He had scarcely everbeen at once so tender in his humanity, and so dignified and exalted inhis virtue, as when young Martin's scorn was fresh and hot upon him.

  Having this large stock of superfluous sentiment and morality on handwhich must positively be cleared off at any sacrifice, Mr Pecksniff nosooner heard his son-in-law announced, than he regarded him as a kindof wholesale or general order, to be immediately executed. Descending,therefore, swiftly to the parlour, and clasping the young man inhis arms, he exclaimed, with looks and gestures that denoted theperturbation of his spirit:

  'Jonas. My child--she is well! There is nothing the matter?'

  'What, you're at it again, are you?' replied his son-in-law. 'Even withme? Get away with you, will you?'

  'Tell me she is well then,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Tell me she is well myboy!'

  'She's well enough,' retorted Jonas, disengaging himself. 'There'snothing the matter with HER.'

  'There is nothing the matter with her!' cried Mr Pecksniff, sitting downin the nearest chair, and rubbing up his hair. 'Fie upon my weakness!I cannot help it, Jonas. Thank you. I am better now. How is my otherchild; my eldest; my Cherrywerrychigo?' said Mr Pecksniff, inventing aplayful little name for her, in the restored lightness of his heart.

  'She's much about the same as usual,' returned Jonas. 'She stickspretty close to the vinegar-bottle. You know she's got a sweetheart, Isuppose?'

  'I have heard of it,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'from headquarters; from mychild herself I will not deny that it moved me to contemplate the lossof my remaining daughter, Jonas--I am afraid we parents are selfish, Iam afraid we are--but it has ever been the study of my life to qualifythem for the domestic hearth; and it is a sphere which Cherry willadorn.'

  'She need adorn some sphere or other,' observed the son-in-law, for sheain't very ornamental in general.'

  'My girls are now provided for,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'They are nowhappily provided for, and I have not laboured in vain!'

  This is exactly what Mr Pecksniff would have said, if one of hisdaughters had drawn a prize of thirty thousand pounds in the lottery, orif the other had picked up a valuable purse in the street, which nobodyappeared to claim. In either of these cases he would have invoked apatriarchal blessing on the fortunate head, with great solemnity, andwould have taken immense credit to himself, as having meant it from theinfant's cradle.

  'Suppose we talk about something else, now,' observed Jonas, drily.'just for a change. Are you quite agreeable?'

  'Quite,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Ah, you wag, you naughty wag! You laugh atpoor old fond papa. Well! He deserves it. And he don't mind it either,for his feelings are their own reward. You have come to stay with me,Jonas?'

  'No. I've got a friend with me,' said Jonas.

  'Bring your friend!' cried Mr Pecksniff, in a gush of hospitality.'Bring any number of your friends!'

  'This ain't the sort of man to be brought,' said Jonas, contemptuously.'I think I see myself "bringing" him to your house, for a treat!Thank'ee all the same; but he's a little too near the top of the treefor that, Pecksniff.'

  The good man pricked up his ears; his interest was awakened. A positionnear the top of the tree was greatness, virtue, goodness, sense, genius;or, it should rather be said, a dispensation from all, and in itselfsomething immeasurably better than all; with Mr Pecksniff. A man who wasable to look down upon Mr Pecksniff could not be looked up at, by thatgentleman, with too great an amount of deference, or from a position oftoo much humility. So it always is with great spirits.

  'I'll tell you what you may do, if you like,' said Jonas; 'you may comeand dine with us at the Dragon. We were forced to come down to Salisburylast night, on some business, and I got him to bring me over here thismorning, in his carriage; at least, not his own carriage, for we hada breakdown in the night, but one we hired instead; it's all the same.Mind what you're about, you know. He's not used to all sorts; he onlymixes with the best!'

  'Some young nobleman who has been borrowing money of you at goodinterest, eh?' said Mr Pecksniff, shaking his forefinger facetiously. 'Ishall be delighted to know the gay sprig.'

  'Borrowing!' echoed Jonas. 'Borrowing! When you're a twentieth part asrich as he is, you may shut up shop! We should be pretty well off if wecould buy his furniture, and plate, and pictures, by clubbing together.A likely man to borrow: Mr Montague! Why since I was lucky enough (come!and I'll say, sharp enough, too) to get a share in the Assurance officethat he's President of, I've made--never mind what I've made,' saidJonas, seeming to recover all at once his usual caution. 'You know mepretty well, and I don't blab about such things. But, Ecod, I've made atrifle.'

  'Really, my dear Jonas,' cried Mr Pecksniff, with much warmth, 'agentleman like this should receive some attention. Would he like tosee the church? or if he has a taste for the fine arts--which I have nodoubt he has, from the description you give of his circumstances--I cansend him down a few portfolios. Salisbury Cathedral, my dear Jonas,'said Mr Pecksniff; the mention of the portfolios and his anxiety todisplay himself to advantage, suggesting his usual phraseology inthat regard, 'is an edifice replete with venerable associations,and strikingly suggestive of the loftiest emotions. It is here wecontemplate the work of bygone ages. It is here we listen to theswelling organ, as we stroll through the reverberating aisles. We havedrawings of this celebrated structure from the North, from the South,from the East, from the West, from the South-East, from the Nor'West--'

  During this digression, and indeed during the whole dialogue, Jonas hadbeen rocking on his chair, with his hands in his pockets and his headthrown cunningly on one side. He looked at Mr Pecksniff now with suchshrewd meaning twinkling in his eyes, that Mr Pecksniff stopped, andasked him what he was going to say.

  'Ecod!' he answered. 'Pecksniff if I knew how you meant to leave yourmoney, I could put you in the way of doubling it in no time. It wouldn'tbe bad to keep a chance like this snug in the family. But you're such adeep one!'

  'Jonas!' cried Mr Pecksniff, much affected, 'I am not a diplomaticalcharacter; my heart is in my hand. By far the greater part of theinconsiderable savings I have accumulated in the course of--I hope--anot dishonourable or useless career, is already given, devised, andbequeathed (correct me, my dear Jonas, if I am technically wrong), withexpressions of confidence, which I will not repeat; and in securitieswhich it is unnecessary to mention to a person whom I cannot, whomI will not, whom I need not, name.' Here he gave the hand of hisson-in-law a fervent squeeze, as if he would have added, 'God bless you;be very careful of it when you get it!'

  Mr Jonas only shook his head and laughed, and, seeming to think betterof what he had had in his mind, said, 'No. He would keep his owncounsel.' But as he observed that he would take a walk, Mr Pecksniffinsisted on accompanying him, remarking that he could leave a card forMr Montague, as they went along, by way of gentleman-usher to himself atdinner-time. Which he did.

  In the course of their walk, Mr Jonas affected to maintain that closereserve which had operated as a timely check upon him during theforegoing dialogue. And as he made no attempt to conciliate MrPecksniff, but, on the contrary, was more boorish and rude to him thanusual, that gentleman, so far from suspecting his real design, laidhimself out to be attacked with advantage. For it is in the nature of aknave to think the tools with which he works indispensable to knavery;and knowing what he would do himself in such a case, Mr Pecksniffargued, 'if this young man wanted anyth
ing of me for his own ends, hewould be polite and deferential.'

  The more Jonas repelled him in his hints and inquiries, the moresolicitous, therefore, Mr Pecksniff became to be initiated into thegolden mysteries at which he had obscurely glanced. Why should there becold and worldly secrets, he observed, between relations? What was lifewithout confidence? If the chosen husband of his daughter, the man towhom he had delivered her with so much pride and hope, such boundingand such beaming joy; if he were not a green spot in the barren waste oflife, where was that oasis to be bound?

  Little did Mr Pecksniff think on what a very green spot he planted onefoot at that moment! Little did he foresee when he said, 'All is butdust!' how very shortly he would come down with his own!

  Inch by inch, in his grudging and ill-conditioned way; sustained to thelife, for the hope of making Mr Pecksniff suffer in that tender place,the pocket, where Jonas smarted so terribly himself, gave him anadditional and malicious interest in the wiles he was set on topractise; inch by inch, and bit by bit, Jonas rather allowed thedazzling prospects of the Anglo-Bengalee establishment to escape him,than paraded them before his greedy listener. And in the same niggardlyspirit, he left Mr Pecksniff to infer, if he chose (which he DID choose,of course), that a consciousness of not having any great natural giftsof speech and manner himself, rendered him desirous to have the creditof introducing to Mr Montague some one who was well endowed in thoserespects, and so atone for his own deficiencies. Otherwise, he muttereddiscontentedly, he would have seen his beloved father-in-law 'far enoughoff,' before he would have taken him into his confidence.

  Primed in this artful manner, Mr Pecksniff presented himself atdinner-time in such a state of suavity, benevolence, cheerfulness,politeness, and cordiality, as even he had perhaps never attainedbefore. The frankness of the country gentleman, the refinement ofthe artist, the good-humoured allowance of the man of the world;philanthropy, forbearance, piety, toleration, all blended together in aflexible adaptability to anything and everything; were expressed in MrPecksniff, as he shook hands with the great speculator and capitalist.

  'Welcome, respected sir,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'to our humble village! Weare a simple people; primitive clods, Mr Montague; but we can appreciatethe honour of your visit, as my dear son-in-law can testify. It is verystrange,' said Mr Pecksniff, pressing his hand almost reverentially,'but I seem to know you. That towering forehead, my dear Jonas,' said MrPecksniff aside, 'and those clustering masses of rich hair--I must haveseen you, my dear sir, in the sparkling throng.'

  Nothing was more probable, they all agreed.

  'I could have wished,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'to have had the honour ofintroducing you to an elderly inmate of our house: to the uncle of ourfriend. Mr Chuzzlewit, sir, would have been proud indeed to have takenyou by the hand.'

  'Is the gentleman here now?' asked Montague, turning deeply red. 'Heis,' said Mr Pecksniff.

  'You said nothing about that, Chuzzlewit.'

  'I didn't suppose you'd care to hear of it,' returned Jonas. 'Youwouldn't care to know him, I can promise you.'

  'Jonas! my dear Jonas!' remonstrated Mr Pecksniff. 'Really!'

  'Oh! it's all very well for you to speak up for him,' said Jonas. 'Youhave nailed him. You'll get a fortune by him.'

  'Oho! Is the wind in that quarter?' cried Montague. 'Ha, ha, ha!' andhere they all laughed--especially Mr Pecksniff.

  'No, no!' said that gentleman, clapping his son-in-law playfully uponthe shoulder. 'You must not believe all that my young relative says,Mr Montague. You may believe him in official business, and trust him inofficial business, but you must not attach importance to his flights offancy.'

  'Upon my life, Mr Pecksniff,' cried Montague, 'I attach the greatestimportance to that last observation of his. I trust and hope it's true.Money cannot be turned and turned again quickly enough in the ordinarycourse, Mr Pecksniff. There is nothing like building our fortune on theweaknesses of mankind.'

  'Oh fie! oh fie, for shame!' cried Mr Pecksniff. But they all laughedagain--especially Mr Pecksniff.

  'I give you my honour that WE do it,' said Montague.

  'Oh fie, fie!' cried Mr Pecksniff. 'You are very pleasant. That I amsure you don't! That I am sure you don't! How CAN you, you know?'

  Again they all laughed in concert; and again Mr Pecksniff laughedespecially.

  This was very agreeable indeed. It was confidential, easy,straight-forward; and still left Mr Pecksniff in the position of beingin a gentle way the Mentor of the party. The greatest achievements inthe article of cookery that the Dragon had ever performed, were setbefore them; the oldest and best wines in the Dragon's cellar saw thelight on that occasion; a thousand bubbles, indicative of the wealth andstation of Mr Montague in the depths of his pursuits, were constantlyrising to the surface of the conversation; and they were as frank andmerry as three honest men could be. Mr Pecksniff thought it a pity (hesaid so) that Mr Montague should think lightly of mankind and theirweaknesses. He was anxious upon this subject; his mind ran upon it; inone way or another he was constantly coming back to it; he must makea convert of him, he said. And as often as Mr Montague repeated hissentiment about building fortunes on the weaknesses of mankind, andadded frankly, 'WE do it!' just as often Mr Pecksniff repeated 'Oh fie!oh fie, for shame! I am sure you don't. How CAN you, you know?' laying agreater stress each time on those last words.

  The frequent repetition of this playful inquiry on the part of MrPecksniff, led at last to playful answers on the part of Mr Montague;but after some little sharp-shooting on both sides, Mr Pecksniff becamegrave, almost to tears; observing that if Mr Montague would givehim leave, he would drink the health of his young kinsman, Mr Jonas;congratulating him upon the valuable and distinguished friendship hehad formed, but envying him, he would confess, his usefulness to hisfellow-creatures. For, if he understood the objects of that Institutionwith which he was newly and advantageously connected--knowing thembut imperfectly--they were calculated to do Good; and for his (MrPecksniff's) part, if he could in any way promote them, he thoughthe would be able to lay his head upon his pillow every night, with anabsolute certainty of going to sleep at once.

  The transition from this accidental remark (for it was quite accidentaland had fallen from Mr Pecksniff in the openness of his soul), to thediscussion of the subject as a matter of business, was easy. Books,papers, statements, tables, calculations of various kinds, were soonspread out before them; and as they were all framed with one object,it is not surprising that they should all have tended to one end. Butstill, whenever Montague enlarged upon the profits of the office, andsaid that as long as there were gulls upon the wing it must succeed, MrPecksniff mildly said 'Oh fie!'--and might indeed have remonstratedwith him, but that he knew he was joking. Mr Pecksniff did know he wasjoking; because he said so.

  There never had been before, and there never would be again, suchan opportunity for the investment of a considerable sum (the rate ofadvantage increased in proportion to the amount invested), as at thatmoment. The only time that had at all approached it, was the time whenJonas had come into the concern; which made him ill-natured now, andinclined him to pick out a doubt in this place, and a flaw in that, andgrumbling to advise Mr Pecksniff to think better of it. The sum whichwould complete the proprietorship in this snug concern, was nearly equalto Mr Pecksniff's whole hoard; not counting Mr Chuzzlewit, that is tosay, whom he looked upon as money in the Bank, the possession of whichinclined him the more to make a dash with his own private sprats forthe capture of such a whale as Mr Montague described. The returnsbegan almost immediately, and were immense. The end of it was, thatMr Pecksniff agreed to become the last partner and proprietor in theAnglo-Bengalee, and made an appointment to dine with Mr Montague, atSalisbury, on the next day but one, then and there to complete thenegotiation.

  It took so long to bring the subject to this head, that it was nearlymidnight when they parted. When Mr Pecksniff walked downstairs to thedoor, he found Mrs Lupin standing there, looking out.

  'A
h, my good friend!' he said; 'not a-bed yet! Contemplating the stars,Mrs Lupin?'

  'It's a beautiful starlight night, sir.'

  'A beautiful starlight night,' said Mr Pecksniff, looking up. 'Beholdthe planets, how they shine! Behold the--those two persons who were herethis morning have left your house, I hope, Mrs Lupin?'

  'Yes, sir. They are gone.'

  'I am glad to hear it,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Behold the wonders of thefirmament, Mrs Lupin! how glorious is the scene! When I look up at thoseshining orbs, I think that each of them is winking to the other totake notice of the vanity of men's pursuits. My fellow-men!' cried MrPecksniff, shaking his head in pity; 'you are much mistaken; my wormyrelatives, you are much deceived! The stars are perfectly contented (Isuppose so) in their several spheres. Why are not you? Oh! do not striveand struggle to enrich yourselves, or to get the better of each other,my deluded friends, but look up there, with me!'

  Mrs Lupin shook her head, and heaved a sigh. It was very affecting.

  'Look up there, with me!' repeated Mr Pecksniff, stretching outhis hand; 'With me, a humble individual who is also an insect likeyourselves. Can silver, gold, or precious stones, sparkle like thoseconstellations! I think not. Then do not thirst for silver, gold, orprecious stones; but look up there, with me!'

  With those words, the good man patted Mrs Lupin's hand between his own,as if he would have added 'think of this, my good woman!' and walkedaway in a sort of ecstasy or rapture, with his hat under his arm.

  Jonas sat in the attitude in which Mr Pecksniff had left him, gazingmoodily at his friend; who, surrounded by a heap of documents, waswriting something on an oblong slip of paper.

  'You mean to wait at Salisbury over the day after to-morrow, do you,then?' said Jonas.

  'You heard our appointment,' returned Montague, without raising hiseyes. 'In any case I should have waited to see after the boy.'

  They appeared to have changed places again; Montague being in highspirits; Jonas gloomy and lowering.

  'You don't want me, I suppose?' said Jonas.

  'I want you to put your name here,' he returned, glancing at him with asmile, 'as soon as I have filled up the stamp. I may as well have yournote of hand for that extra capital. That's all I want. If you wishto go home, I can manage Mr Pecksniff now, alone. There is a perfectunderstanding between us.'

  Jonas sat scowling at him as he wrote, in silence. When he hadfinished his writing, and had dried it on the blotting paper in histravelling-desk; he looked up, and tossed the pen towards him.

  'What, not a day's grace, not a day's trust, eh?' said Jonas bitterly.'Not after the pains I have taken with to-night's work?'

  'To night's work was a part of our bargain,' replied Montague; 'and sowas this.'

  'You drive a hard bargain,' said Jonas, advancing to the table. 'Youknow best. Give it here!'

  Montague gave him the paper. After pausing as if he could not make uphis mind to put his name to it, Jonas dipped his pen hastily in thenearest inkstand, and began to write. But he had scarcely marked thepaper when he started back, in a panic.

  'Why, what the devil's this?' he said. 'It's bloody!'

  He had dipped the pen, as another moment showed, into red ink. But heattached a strange degree of importance to the mistake. He asked how ithad come there, who had brought it, why it had been brought; and lookedat Montague, at first, as if he thought he had put a trick upon him.Even when he used a different pen, and the right ink, he made somescratches on another paper first, as half believing they would turn redalso.

  'Black enough, this time,' he said, handing the note to Montague.'Good-bye.'

  'Going now! how do you mean to get away from here?'

  'I shall cross early in the morning to the high road, before you are outof bed; and catch the day-coach, going up. Good-bye!'

  'You are in a hurry!'

  'I have something to do,' said Jonas. 'Good-bye!'

  His friend looked after him as he went out, in surprise, which graduallygave place to an air of satisfaction and relief.

  'It happens all the better. It brings about what I wanted, without anydifficulty. I shall travel home alone.'