Crazy Maybe

by Justice, A. D.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  LUKE

  For the last four hours, I’ve been in my apartment pacing and steaming mad. I still can’t fucking believe she would do this to me. I really thought she was different. I thought she was the most genuine and giving person I’ve ever met. Turns out she’s just really good at hiding the shit she doesn’t want others to see. I fucking fell for her act hook, line and sinker and I feel like a complete fucking moron for it.

  I fling open the door at the sound of incessant pounding and find Brandon standing there, looking like he’s ready to take my head off. Just what I fucking need right now.

  “I’m not in the fucking mood, man,” I try to shut the door in his face and he shoves into the door with his shoulder, knocking me out of the way and he barges in anyway.

  “I don’t give a fuck what mood you’re in,” he yells in my face. Then he roars loudly as he runs his hands through his hair in frustration. “You shouldn’t have left her like that! You should’ve listened to her and stood by her. You owed her at least that much!”

  “She lied to me! What the hell – am I supposed to just forget that?” I yell back.

  “About what? What exactly did she lie to you about? You knew there was something she didn’t tell you. I heard her – she said she’s never told anyone, Luke. But she wanted to tell you and you promised to believe her. She at least deserved to be heard!” Brandon bellowed.

  “What did you expect me to do – choose her side over Dad’s?” I scowl back at Brandon even as I faintly hear that nagging voice in the back of my mind. The one that tells me – although usually too damn late – when I’ve royally fucked up.

  “If this is how you support someone you supposedly love, you don’t deserve her, Luke.” His voice is suddenly calm and it’s more alarming than when he’s yelling. He’s reaching the end of his patience with me. I just shake my head and try to end the conversation with silence.

  My tactic doesn’t work. Brandon knows what’s on my mind without me even saying it.

  “Luke, she’s nothing like Megan. Look, you never would listen to me about Megan. She had been hitting on me for a while but I didn’t think much about it until she openly propositioned me. She didn’t care which one of us she was with – she was trying to play both of us. When she kissed me, I pushed her away, I swear. She was a slut, she didn’t care and she’s definitely not the standard you should measure any other woman against.

  I know you thought you loved her, man. But, you never looked at Megan like you do Andi. You never cared enough about Megan to even fight with her. The only part of you that was hurt over Megan was your pride and you know it. I didn’t betray you – Megan did. What happened with dad’s business wasn’t your fault any more than it was mine. And you know Megan’s not worth even mentioning again – much less thinking about.”

  When I don’t say anything, Brandon continues, “Not once has Andi ever been even slightly interested in me. Even when you said you were just friends and I was openly flirting with her. I love you, man, if she ever looked at me the way she does you, I would take her away from you in a heartbeat.

  You didn’t see how it hurt her when you left like that. You weren’t the one who literally picked her up off the floor. My shirt was soaked from her tears – for you! You may never find someone who loves you like that again. You’re lucky to have found it once. You should think about that.” Then he walks out to leave me alone with my pain and anger.

  ANDI

  Oh my God, he just left me. He just walked out and didn’t even care that I was stuck here with no way to get back home. He abandoned me at his parents’ house – the very people who are blatantly betraying me. I remember falling to my knees and I remember Brandon cussing like a sailor at Luke. Their mom was still sitting at the table and she was crying. Their dad was looking between Luke’s back, Brandon’s face and me, crumpled in the floor.

  When we hear Luke’s truck tires squeal out of the driveway, Brandon picks me up and carries me out to his truck. After putting my seatbelt on me, he drives me home and helps me inside. He stays with me and we talk for a long while. He is so nice and supportive. He told me to give Luke time to calm down. He said Luke just overreacted and once he realized it, he would be back and begging for forgiveness.

  I’m not so sure about that. This may be just the excuse he needs to get out of our relationship.

  Brandon just left and now I’m all alone again. I’ve gotten so used to having Luke here with me. The silence just punctuates how lonely my life was before him. I’m going to allow myself to wallow in self-pity tonight. I will scream, cry, eat fattening foods and grieve tonight. And come tomorrow, I will move on. Because that’s what I do.

  I have to be strong.

  LUKE

  For the last five days, I’ve been replaying everything that’s happened with Andi up until this point in our relationship over and over again in my mind. I’ve examined every word, every gesture and every minute we’ve shared. Brandon’s last words to me have been like a fucking recording set on replay and there’s no escape from them. And at this very moment I realize how badly I have fucked up. What I have lost and what I will probably never have again.

  I know without a shadow of a doubt that I don’t deserve her at all.

  I’ve done nothing worthwhile in my life to deserve someone as wonderful as she is. Even my fucking brother believed her – believed in her – when I didn’t. He was there for her when I wasn’t – and she fucking needed me. I simply turned my back and left her alone when she needed me more than ever. At that moment - that very moment when she needed me to believe her and I didn’t, I broke my promise. I broke her heart. I broke the very love of my life – I broke her.

  My guilt and humiliation over Megan has tainted my view of relationships overall. I’m seeing that now. Brandon has tried to tell me for the last few years but I didn’t want to hear it. Or face it. I’ve convinced myself that it’s much easier to run from my demons rather than face them. But sitting here alone, wallowing in my self-loathing, there’s nothing easier about it. There’s nothing easy about discovering I’ve probably lost the one true lover and friend that I’ve ever known.

  I know she’s been at the gym because some of the other guys have talked about how differently she’s been acting. They haven’t come out and asked me yet but I know they eventually will. She’s apparently avoiding me, avoiding going to the gym at the time she knows I’m likely to be there. I volunteered at the center again today and she wasn’t there either. I wonder if she knew I was there and just stayed away. I’ve tried to call her but she ignores my calls. I’ve went by her house but she won’t answer the door, if she’s even home

  .

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  ANDI

  I had practiced a different song for the weeks leading up to the last night Luke and I were at the club together. The night the band played and the last full night we were a couple and I was truly happy. For the past week, I’ve been practicing a different song – one that really speaks to my frame of mind right now. I don’t know if Luke will be at the club tonight, but in a way I hope he is because I picked this song with him in mind.

  I’ve avoided seeing Luke at the gym but I’ve still been going. I’m not letting him run me off from something that means so much to me. Shane has asked what’s wrong with me lately because I haven’t been acting the same lately. But he didn’t ask anything about Luke, so I doubt he knows anything yet. Luke has called a few times but I couldn’t answer. After what happened at his parents’ house, I don’t know what he’s calling to say. To accuse me of more terrible things? To finish his malicious rant? To apologize and actually hear what I have to say? To ask for his favorite t-shirt back that I stole from him?

  I can’t take the risk – no matter what it is he wants. I can’t hear his voice and not have my heart ripped out of my chest again. So I ignored his calls. I hid when he showed up at my house. I saw his truck but I couldn’t even look out the window and a
ctually see him – I was afraid I’d go running to him, begging him like I did when he walked out and left me behind at his parents’ house. I’m afraid I will make a complete fool out of myself for someone who never loved me like I loved him. Love him, I mean. Still. I wonder if it will ever go away, though I know I’m not the first or the last to feel this way.

  So I focus on the anger instead. The betrayal of being left there, on my knees sobbing my eyes out, while he callously walked away. Not the least bit interested in hearing what I had to say. Not caring that he’d so easily broken a promise he had just made – one that meant the world to me because I knew it would mean the difference between losing him and keeping him. I just never imagined his dad would be the one who so heartlessly threw me under the bus.

  I’m at the club with Christina, Tania and Katie. They’re trying to cheer me up but nothing is working. No use in even trying drinks or shots tonight - nothing can infiltrate this huge bubble of anger that has enveloped me. I’m glad in a way because I can use it on stage tonight. Especially since Luke just walked in with the guys and they’re headed this way. I look at my girls and we silently, solemnly swear we will not move to sit with them.

  Shane and Will give each other confused looks before looking at me. I think Luke is about to walk up behind me so I quickly get up and leave the table. It’s about time for my song anyway so like a big chicken, I go hide in the ladies’ bathroom until it’s my turn. I make my way onstage and avoid running into Luke on the way. I’m regretting showing him around backstage now because I’m looking around every corner to make sure he’s not there first. I have nowhere to hide.

  Mitch has the spotlights set to a deep red hue and the black curtains are closed behind me. The fog machine is set on low so the mist is barely creeping across the stage. With the fans set on low, my long, thick hair is slightly drifting on the breeze. The combination of the stage effects with my black leather pants, four-inch black stilettos, and a black, backless tank gives it all a fierce look. Exactly the way I’m feeling right now.

  There’s no elaborate scene to play out tonight. No man’s lap to sit in while I sing words of eternal love. No, tonight is all about his broken promise and my new promise. The music starts off instantly fast paced and…fierce…and I feel like every lyric sings directly to him. But it’s really the second verse and every word after that spells it out. The song is For My Sake, by Shinedown. And it’s absolutely brilliant and bold. It’s also fitting that the song ends fairly abruptly – just like we did.

  I keep my eyes on his during the whole song. While I never point at him, I leave absolutely no doubt that this song is only for him. My voice, my movements, everything about me is hard, angry and inflexible. I make sure to leave no room for any misinterpretation.

  I especially feel that from the second verse to the end of the song really speaks to what I’m feeling right now. I’m blatantly daring him to show me he’s not really like every other guy out there who broke his promise, but knowing that he is only reaffirms my decision to be completely done with him.

  I know we’re making a scene with all of our drama and I want it to stop. But at this moment, I just need him to feel my pain and hear from me that I am putting us behind me for my sanity. At the end of the verse and the chorus that follows, there’s no doubt he now knows exactly what’s on my mind.

  Luke doesn’t move during my whole performance. He doesn’t move his eyes. He doesn’t speak to anyone, not even the waitress who’s so blatantly trying to get his attention. A couple of drunk girls approach him but he doesn’t acknowledge them. It’s too dark to see what his eyes are trying to tell me but I don’t even want to know. I’ve avoided him for a reason. The song is exactly right when it says what he lost was me. For my own sanity, I can’t look back.

  I acknowledge the applause from the crowd but honestly I don’t even care about the contest at this point. If I make it another round or not does not matter to me in the least. I may not even be in the area by the next round. I plan to call and schedule an appointment with the realtor to put my house on the market tomorrow. If it doesn’t sell soon, I’m seriously considering just giving it away just so I can get the hell out of Dodge.

  I’m barely cognizant of exiting the stage because I’m so wrapped up in my thoughts. I’m considering just walking out the door and leaving now instead of returning to our table. Suddenly I’m hoisted into the air but I just saw Shane still sitting at the table so I know it’s not him this time. I don’t know who the hell has grabbed me but he’s about to get a mouth full of my fist, especially in my current state of pissed off mind. When I catch a glimpse of him over my shoulder, I’m doubly determined to draw blood.

  He pulls my ear to his mouth and has the damn nerve to ask, “Did you miss me, baby?” Then he sets me down and smiles at me like I’m a long lost friend. Ah, hell no!

  I don’t return the smile. In fact, if looks could kill, he would be already buried at this point. “Miss you? Have you been gone?” I respond dryly and turn to walk away from the second biggest mistake I’ve made in the dating arena. I spot Shane barreling through the people to get to us and he’s obviously pissed. Will is fast on his heels.

  “Brad,” Shane’s voice is low and threatening, “Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Her. Again.” He narrows his eyes and punctuates each word to emphasize his meaning.

  Will moves up beside Shane and it is a very ominous sight to see a mad Will. His voice belies his eyes and his words, “No, Shane, its fine. By all means, let him put one finger on her. One. More. Fucking. Time.” Will’s last words are clearly a dare and Brad quickly backs up. Maybe he’s not quite as stupid as he looks.

  Brad holds his hands up in front of him and answers jovially, “No harm intended, fellas. I just wanted to say hello.”

  “You’ve said it. That’s the only word you get with her, motherfucker. If I see you near her again, I will pound your face in the ground. You feel me?” Shane grabs my hand and protectively pulls me to his side. I go willingly because I don’t want to be anywhere near Brad and I don’t want Shane and Will to get in trouble for killing him. He’s just not worth the trouble of the going all the way home to get my shovel, dig the hole and hide the body.

  Shane and I turn as one to walk back to the table and suddenly he’s pulling me to the side, away from everyone. It’s now that I see Luke stood up but never left the table. I guess he was getting ready to have Shane and Will’s back in case a fight broke out.

  Shane demands, “What the hell is going on with you and Luke?” He actually looks mad at me. What the hell?

  “Absolutely nothing,” my voice is flat and I’m doing my best to give him a bored look.

  “What does that mean, exactly?” Shane demands.

  “It means that there is absolutely nothing going on between Luke and me. Exactly nothing. Exactly absolutely nothing.”

  I’m glaring at Shane now and I’m purposely being a smartass. I really shouldn’t be, considering how glad I was to see Shane when Brad grabbed me. And how Shane just saved my ass.

  “Look, I’m sorry, ok? Things aren’t working out with us and I don’t want you in the middle,” I explain, nicer this time. Shane nods in understanding and lets the subject drop.

  I push through the crowd to tell Mitch to put my girls’ drinks on my tab and tell them goodbye. I can’t stay here and be this close to Luke. I just can’t handle it because I simultaneously want to tell him to go to hell and beg him to listen to me. Just hear me out, for crying out loud, I’m not a monster like he treated me. But I can’t do either and I just have to get away as far away from him as I can right now.

  As I turn to leave, I see Brandon is sitting beside Luke and for some reason, I feel betrayed all over again. They’re brothers, I know, but I spent a long time talking to Brandon after Luke left me alone that day. Brandon picked me up off the floor – literally, I fell to the floor on my knees from the pain of watching Luke so callously walk away from me. Brandon helped me - he put me in his truck and
drove me home. And he isn’t even the one who supposedly loved me.

  I didn’t tell Brandon what happened – with his parents or with the mental hospital – but I think he did believe me when I said it wasn’t what it looked like. I try to tell myself that he hasn’t turned on me just because he’s sitting with Luke right now. My mind knows it but my heart won’t listen. He must know what I’m thinking because he gets up and steps into my only path out of this section of tables.

  “Andi,” his voice is smooth and calm, “you should talk to him.” He inclines his head towards Luke but keeps his eyes on me. He’s probably thinking if he turns his head, I will dart around him and be gone. And he would be right.

  “No.” I narrow my eyes at him, square my shoulders and set my jaw, daring him to continue this foolish conversation.

  “Hey, I’m on your side. I’ve told him what an idiot he is,” Brandon says with such sincerity that I don’t doubt him at all.

  I have no doubt Brandon has done just that. “That doesn’t change anything, though. Does it?”

  He tilts his head to the side and studies me for a minute. “No, I guess it doesn’t,” he says gloomily.

  I give him one curt nod and a half-smile and keep walking. Once I’m around him, I turn and say with all sincerity, “Brandon, thank you….for believing me. It means more than you could possibly know.” He nods in gratitude.

  Before I even get to my car, the tears are flowing uncontrollably and I just want to get away from here. I’m reaching for the door handle when I hear a man’s soft call just behind me, “Andi.” It’s just barely above a whisper and his warm breath floats across the top of my head.