Crazy Maybe

by Justice, A. D.

  Turns out, it was a lot of work and it took a lot of resources away from the other projects my dad had going on. He lost a lot of money doing work on the gym and had penalties against him for not finishing his other projects on time. I found out way too late that Megan only wanted to date me – or Brandon – to get my dad to do the work for her dad for free. She had been flirting with Brandon behind my back the whole time she was with me. I walked in on them kissing one day and that was the end of us and it almost tore apart my relationship with my brother.

  It has taken a long time for me to forgive him and it was actually because of you. He’s tried to tell me for years about that day and I wouldn’t listen to him. I think I always knew deep down but I didn’t want to face it. She had kissed him and he pushed her away. But when I saw them, I didn’t see him push her away so I’ve blamed Brandon all this time. But Brandon said something to me that really shook me. He told me to stop using Megan as the standard I use to judge other women.

  I did that to you. When Dad showed me those pictures and the court document, I put you in that category. Andi, I’ve always felt guilty for how Megan and Carl’s scheme hurt my dad’s business. If it wasn’t for me, he would’ve finished those big projects on time and wouldn’t have lost so much money. When he showed me those pictures and told me that stuff about you, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that you were using me for something and lying to me about who you really are.

  I was completely in the wrong for that, and I am sorry, even though I know that won’t make up for how much I hurt you. But I swear to you, on my life, that I had nothing to do with my dad’s scheme and I didn’t know anything about it. He knows without a doubt how mad I am at him right now. Brandon’s mad at him, too, and he feels really bad about everything. The only time I’ve ever seen that man cry is when he talked about how he’d hurt you and me.

  I know I broke my promise to you, Andi, and as much as that hurts you, it hurts me. It hurts me every single day. I will spend every single day of the rest of my life doing everything and anything within my power to make it up to you. No matter what it takes or what sacrifices I have to make – you are more than worth it. This whole mess is no one’s fault but my own. No matter what my dad – or anyone – said, I should’ve stood by you. I will never make that mistake again.”

  “Is that why you never thought your family accepted your career choice?” Her voice is so soft but it is full of emotion.

  I nod, “Yes. I made a terrible choice in the girl, right? Not only did I catch her with my brother, but she and her father screwed my dad over. I got the brunt of that blame from the family. So when I didn’t follow the family’s advice and go into business, or real estate development like my dad, everyone automatically thought I’d fail again.”

  “You thought you’d fail,” she states. It scares me sometimes, how she sees so much of me that no one else sees.

  “It doesn’t make it right or excusable, but I hope you better understand my reaction now.” It’s a statement, but I raise my eyebrows in question, looking for an answer.

  She considers me for a minute, her astute eyes boring into my soul again before she answers. “Yes, I understand better now. I still wish you would’ve listened to me, though...,” her voice trailed off with her last statement.

  “Andi, I should have-“

  “Luke, wait. I wish you had let me explain that night, but I should have told you about it before then. I have to take my part of the blame in this. I wanted to tell you, I really did, but I was selfish. I was afraid I would lose you, so I kept putting it off, wanting just a little more time with you. You never should have heard it from someone else first. I’m sorry for not telling you when I first realized how important you were to me.”

  The tears are glistening in her eyes after her apology. My mind caught her words – but I was selfish – and all I can think is how she’s the most unselfish person I’ve ever known.

  “Andi, you’re not selfish. You are the kindest, most giving and most loving person I’ve ever met. How can you say you were selfish?” I ask sincerely.

  “Because you had a right to know. If you wanted to be with me, you had a right to hear from me exactly what you were getting into. I just wanted to keep you a little bit longer. Every day, I just wanted one more day with you.” She’s wiping tears away as soon as they fall, trying to maintain her composure.

  Could I be any more of an idiot? I let this wonderful creature get away from me.

  She continues talking and wiping the stray tears away, “I never dreamed it would come out the way it did. But with my 25th birthday coming up, I knew it would probably come out somehow. I’m really sorry if I caused problems between you and your dad.”

  “Baby, no, none of this is your fault. I don’t know what happened, why they put you in that hospital, but I believe you. Unconditionally, I believe you – you said it wasn’t what it looked like and that’s all I need to know.”

  I feel a little uneasy for a few minutes because she looks like she’s in shock. Without warning, she breaks down in sobs and I wrap my arms around her. She hugs me tightly and I hold her for a few minutes while she cries. Like a dam has been released, her whole body shakes with sobs and it breaks my heart again. Even through the pain, it feels so good to hold her again that I completely understand what she meant when she said she just wanted one more day with me. Every day, I just want one more day with her.

  “I have no right to ask this of you, Andi, but I can’t help it. If you’re selfish, I guess I’m just fucking greedy. Please forgive me. Please take me back. I miss you so much. I love you – so damn much,” I resolve that whatever I have to do or say to earn her love again, I will gladly do it.

  She pulls away from my arms and looks down at our hands as she entwines them. I’m watching her and I feel my heart in my throat because, from the look on her face, I don’t think I’m going to like her answer.

  “Luke, thank you for explaining what all happened with Megan. It means a lot that you shared that with me – it does help me understand why you reacted that way. I do forgive you and I want you to forgive your father. He made a mistake but he’s a good man. He did that for his family so it’s hard for me to fault him for that,” she stops talking for a few seconds.

  “Why do I hear a ‘but’ in there?” I ask calmly but I’m really about to jump out of my fucking skin.

  She looks up at me, blinks back the unshed tears in her eyes and resolutely declares, “But, I can’t take you back, Luke. We can’t get back together.”

  “You don’t love me anymore?”

  “No,” she whispers, staring at our hands.

  “You don’t mean that.” I don’t believe her. Her words say one thing but I can see it in every fiber of her being. She’s lying – and she doesn’t lie very well. My beautiful little vixen.

  And the irony of the situation isn’t lost on me. I can tell she’s lying – it’s so obvious in everything about her because she’s not a good liar. And that should’ve been my first clue when she tried to convince me to listen to her to begin with. Fuck – I am a moron.

  “Look me in the eye and say the words. ‘I don’t love you, Luke.’ Say it, Andi,” I demand. She cries harder and her tears are soaking my hand from where they’re dripping off her beautiful face. “Say the words to my face, Andi.”

  I barely make out the words of her whispered response, “I can’t.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  ANDI

  This is the hardest and the worst thing I’ve had to do since the night that landed me in the psychiatric hospital. But I know what danger lurks out there, waiting to pounce on me, and I can’t put Luke and his family in the crosshairs. If anything happened to them because of me, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Pushing him away is the only way I know I can even try to protect them from what’s inevitably coming.

  Luke’s calling bullshit on me saying I don’t love him anymore. Actually, I didn’t even say those words, I just said ‘n
o’ when he asked me if I did. He knew that was a lie – that’s why he’s trying to make me say the words to his face. I can’t do it – no matter what’s happened, I can’t do that. If this whole mess goes as badly as I’m afraid it will, I can’t die with those being my last words to him.

  I let go of his hands and stand up. I don’t know what the deal is but when I cry, I can’t breathe through my nose if I’m sitting down. I have to stand to get my sinuses cleared enough to breathe. When I stand, he stands and I almost chuckle. I had a feeling he was kidnapping me when he led me to his truck. But he’s right, I know he would never physically hurt me.

  I start pacing and he moves into position to block the door and prevent me from making a run for it. That wasn’t my plan but I’ll let him keep his illusion of control over the room. I have bigger fish to fry right now. Like convincing a very large man that he needs my protection when he’s the one who gets in the boxing ring with other large men and beats the crap out of them. This should go well.

  I stop pacing and look at him, giving him a clear indication that I’m telling him the truth. “You’re not going to like what I have to say.”

  “And that’s different from just now….how?” He asks dryly, with a hint of the sarcastic humor he knows I love.

  And I chuckle, a little. “Luke, I can’t tell you that I don’t love you. You already know that.”

  He smiles knowingly, “Then tell me you do. I will accept that, too.”

  “I do love you. I never stopped loving you,” I finally admit – to him and to myself, “but we can’t get back together, Luke.” I’m on the verge of a real nervous breakdown here but I need to make him understand.

  “And why is that, Andi?” he asks as he takes on his menacing fighting stance, fully blocking the door and looking very intimidating. This will make it harder to argue my case.

  “Promise not to laugh?” I ask and can’t keep the blush from creeping up my face.

  He looks slightly amused already at my request, “This should be interesting. I promise I will do my best to not laugh. But I won’t break another promise by saying I won’t laugh when I don’t have a clue what you’re about to say.”

  Fair enough.

  “I have to protect you.”

  His lips twitch and he sucks his cheeks in like he’s making a fish face for a second before looking down at his feet. He’s working hard to keep from laughing and to keep his promise to try not to laugh.

  “Go ahead,” I concede, and he releases a hearty laugh that rumbles through his expansive chest. And that laugh sounds so good, so right, and it makes me miss our time together so much more.

  “I’m sorry, baby, really,” as he tries to regain his composure. He wipes his hand over his mouth as if it will wipe the huge, shit-eating grin off his face. “Care to explain that revelation?”

  I’m suddenly serious and he takes the cue. “Luke, this is really hard to talk about, ok? I know it sounds funny and I know I’ll have a hard time convincing you that I have to protect you, but-“

  “First of all, I’m sorry for laughing. It’s obviously not funny to you – it was just the way it sounded at first.”

  “I know – I don’t blame you for that,” I quickly explain.

  “As much as you obviously want to protect me, I want to protect you, Andi. I don’t understand why I need protecting, though.”

  To tell or not to tell, that is the question.

  “Can you sit down and let me explain? I promise I won’t make a run for the door,” I add with a smile. He doesn’t even pretend to not know what I’m referring to as he takes a seat. The one closest to the door.

  Let’s start with the shocking truth and see if he runs for the door. If not, I’ll know I can finish the story. “The night I was put in the psychiatric hospital, I did attack my foster father with a knife and I would’ve killed him if I could have. But not for the reasons they say I did it.”

  He’s shocked at first, but I don’t blame him for that. He probably thought it was some kind of accident that went terribly wrong. “OK, baby, go on.” There’s no judgment in his voice. No disbelief. No suspicion.

  “It was just before my 15th birthday and I was the oldest of the foster kids. There were several – all girls,” and his face hardens as if he is guessing what comes next. “There were 5 of us in all and the others were all between 6 and 10 years old. Our foster mother wanted nothing to do with us and I was responsible for babysitting, helping with homework, baths – all that kind of stuff.

  One day, Maria, who was 9, had been sick all day. She had a fever and could hardly get out of the bed because she felt so bad. I’d given her medicine and fed her soup every few hours. I got up during the night to check on her and give her more fever-reducing medicine. When I opened her door, I found our foster father…..raping her.

  Suddenly, everything made sense – how they only took in young girls, how shy and afraid of other people they were, why he looked guilty when I’d caught him in the girls’ rooms before and why the foster mother never wanted anything to do with the kids they got so much adoration for taking in.

  I had left a knife in her room from where I had peeled an apple for her earlier that evening. I picked it up and rushed towards him, intending to kill him for raping her, especially when she was so sick she couldn’t fight back. I mean, as if her being sick made it worse, right? It was bad enough already but for some reason, knowing how sick she’d been and how little he cared about that just made it worse.

  I guess that is crazy thinking, isn’t it?

  I don’t regret it, though. And I never will. They convinced the authorities that I was mentally unstable because I had been bounced from one foster home to another before they took me in. They had me locked up for a year in that mental hospital where the staff tried to convince me every day that I was crazy. Sometimes I felt crazy, trying to convince them that I was sane and what I’d seen that night. I begged them to check the other girls but they ignored me.

  When the foster mother came to the hospital under the pretense of visiting me – to give me her ‘forgiveness.’ All she wanted to do was make sure I knew my place. When I asked her why she didn’t protect the little kids, do you know what she said to me? She said, ‘Who do you think gave him the idea? He wanted you for a long time, but I convinced him the younger ones would be easier for him to control.’

  Maria was raped at 9 years old because his wife convinced him I would be too much trouble. She suffered what was originally meant for me. When I turned 16, since I was a ward of the state, I could be released and taken out of the foster system. That’s when I got in touch with Bill and he helped me get my trust fund.

  After college, I started the youth center downtown to help other kids in bad situations. No one else knows it’s my money that funds the whole program. I just wanted to help kids – because of how I left the other kids in that house to fend for themselves.

  The problem is – he’s a big political figure now – even more than he was when I lived with them. No one will believe me now. You can bet he’s behind the smear campaign going on around me right now. And anyone who’s with me will be drawn into this mess. I can’t let that happen to you and your family, Luke.”

  I don’t realize that I was frantically pacing as I explained the situation to Luke until I saw him leaned up, like a barricade, against the front door.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  LUKE

  Wow.

  This is some crazy shit but I completely believe her. I can see her stabbing some asshole for hurting a child and not feeling bad for it. I don’t blame her at all. And this is one more reason why I love her and I’ve fallen more in love with her in the last few minutes if that is even possible.

  She knows me too well – she was only half-joking when she said I didn’t have to guard the door. She knew I had ulterior motives of getting her here. She gave me a chance to redeem myself when she announced that she had tried to kill the man but not for the reasons they stated. I
could see it in her eyes – she was silently praying that I would trust her. And the way she couldn’t lie to me and say she didn’t love me? I fucking love that about her.

  But when she said she had to protect me, I didn’t know how to feel about it. At first, the way she said it, struck me as funny. I mean, I’m standing here looking at this petite, beautiful woman who owns my heart. She’s built and has her feminine muscles from her own workouts, but she’s not freakishly strong. And I’m in training for heavyweight boxing and have been street-boxing for years. I routinely take on men who are over two hundred pounds of all muscle….and she wants to protect me?

  I fucking love her.

  I have to admit, I was a little worried when her panic level kept rising while she was recounting what had happened all those years ago. She had a far-away look in her eyes and she was pacing erratically. I didn’t think she’s consciously try to escape from me but I was a little nervous that she would take off running out the front door from a full-blown panic attack. So I quietly moved around the room until I was leaning on the door to block her, just in case.

  She seems to have realized this now because she’s stopped talking and pacing – and seems to really see me. She smiles tenderly at me and says, “I’m ok, Luke. I’m not planning to bolt.”

  I push off the door and walk slowly to her, trying to not look threatening in any way. She watches me approach and doesn’t move, doesn’t back down in any way. I cup her face gently with my hands and peer into her eyes. “I love that you want to protect me. I love that you shared this with me and that you trusted me with it when you haven’t trusted anyone with it before. But more than anything else, I love you, Andi. And there’s no way I would let you shield me and put yourself on the line. I’m with you, remember? I’m with you.”

  “We’re about to have a disagreement about this, Luke,” she replied coyly and gave me her sweetest smile.