Happily Ever Awkward
Page 8
“You’re channeling the Weather Goddess, and here’s what I’m doing in your world today. I’m feeling mostly sunny throughout the Moody Sea, but I’ve got to admit, down around Treasury Island, I sense a little pre-monsoon system moving in, so you can expect some pretty rough sailing…”
“I thought so.” Furious, Seeboth stretched out his arm and zapped the mirror with the magic of his finger.
FLASH!
The Weather Goddess instantly stood before him in the middle of his cabin. Disoriented, she glanced about until her eyes fell on Seeboth. An icy shiver radiated from her, and the wizard felt a flurry of snowflakes whisk past his cheek. “How dare you!” she spat. “I am a goddess—”
“Well, I am a’wooing a princess, and your storm is disrupting everything!” Seeboth snapped. “You’re disrupting my woo!” he added for good measure.
“What can I say?” she said. “It’s that time of the year.”
“Then I suggest we discuss a new forecast,” Seeboth said. He lifted his hand and it glowed like the sun above a parched and blighted dust bowl.
The Weather Goddess stared at his threatening handful of fiery drought. “But… I can’t just… the rain must fall somewhere.”
“Fine! Then go vent your storm upon our pursuers — just not upon us! Now begone!”
With another wave of his hand, she vanished, and just like that, the seas around the Shadowship calmed.
Some distance behind, Jack wrestled the Sargasso Sphinx through the mountainous waves while Paul and Laura squinted into the spray.
“We’ll never catch them in this!” Laura said.
“Maybe not, but the Moody Sea is the quickest route to Treasury Island!” Jack called back. “It’s our best chance!”
A monstrous wave splashed over them, nearly washing Paul into the sea.
“Laura’s right!” he choked. “We can’t catch them in this storm! They’re too far ahead! Jack, turn around…”
Jack shook his head. “Look, neither of you have ever been beyond the Empire of Bridges, right? Probably just as well, but you’re in my territory now, and you’re going to have to trust me.”
Laura glared at Paul as if to say, You’re the prince here, so take charge of this situation!
Paul cleared his throat. “Jack, I… I command you to go around the storm.”
Jack shook his head again. “No time for that. Like I said, you’re going to have to trust me. We’ll be fine.”
“Of course we will,” Laura scoffed. “Purple clouds and pink lightning? That’s always a good sign.”
“It’s pink lightning, people,” Jack said. “How bad could it be?”
Unable to wait for a better cue, a pillar of water geysered from the sea and splashed down upon the deck. Condensing into a form of rippling curves, the Weather Goddess stood before them looking ready to surge.
Jack was quite impressed. “Welcome aboard,” he said in the deepest voice he could muster.
“Look upon me and tremble, mortals, for I am in the mood to sink something!” she declared with a voice that rumbled like thunder and shrieked like a hurricane.
“Uh… we… we meant no disrespect,” Paul said.
The Weather Goddess whirled on Paul, her eyes flashing. A huge wave slapped the side of the ship and staggered everyone but her.
As Laura steadied herself, she muttered, “‘It’s pink lightning,’ he says. ‘How bad could it be,’ he says…”
But Jack wasn’t fazed. As his eyes skimmed across the seething green sky, he started to smile.
“Why do you disturb my sea?” the Weather Goddess demanded.
“We… I… am on a Quest,” Paul said. “I pursue an evil wizard—”
Laura pushed Paul to his knees and knelt beside him. “And we beg your mercy, mighty goddess,” she said.
When the Weather Goddess saw their respect, the storm in her eyes calmed ever so slightly. All around them, the sea began to settle as well.
Jack didn’t notice any of that, though. He sensed an opportunity and was getting ready to make his move. Swashbucklers were always ready to make a move. Licking his finger, he held it aloft to check the direction of the wind one last time then pushed between Paul and Laura.
“I’ll handle this.” He winked at the goddess. “Hey there. You’re pretty cute for a hurricane.
The tempestuousness instantly returned to her eyes. “What did you say?”
“Name’s Bravado,” he said. “Jack Bravado. Captain of the Sargasso Sphinx. Yeah, this is my ship.” He patted the rail proudly and flexed his chest at her.
The Weather Goddess stared at him, dumbfounded.
“Jack, what are you doing?” Paul hissed at him. “Stop—”
But Jack forged ahead with even greater disregard for the safety of all concerned. “I think we both know what’s going on here. You’re frustrated. Lonely. I get that. Well, never fear, Jack Bravado is here. Trust me, I’ll bring some sunshine back to your cloudy day.”
“How dare you!” the Weather Goddess finally shrieked as she fountained back into the air. “You — you’re all the same!”
She dove into the sea and the water convulsed.
“Uh oh,” Jack said.
The waves around the ship coiled upward to form five massive waterspouts like the fingers of a giant hand. Then, just like a giant hand, they grabbed the Sargasso Sphinx and hurled it up among the churning clouds.
Jack hugged the wheel and Paul clutched the mast, but Laura lost her grip and went skidding away. Without thinking, Paul plunged his sword into the deck to create a handhold and grabbed Laura’s wrist before she slipped over the edge.
The storm clouds parted to reveal a velvety sky and a glassy sea. The Sphinx plummeted into those calm waters with a horrendous splash and a bone-jarring crash, but through it all, Paul managed to hang on to Laura.
After taking a few moments to catch their breath, Paul hoisted Laura onto the deck as Jack climbed to his feet behind the wheel. They stared at each other in shock, but all of them were shocked for different reasons.
“Everyone okay?” Jack asked. “No one hurt—”
Laura cracked him across the jaw with a very solid punch.
“Hey! What was that for?” Jack cried.
“You tried to seduce a goddess — are you insane?!” Laura asked.
“I think I’m a little more qualified to read the weather than you are,” Jack said defensively. “She was definitely sending me signals.”
“What are you talking about?” Laura asked.
“You know, ‘Green sky at morning, sailor take warning, green sky at night…’” Jack winked at Laura. “’…sailor’s delight.’”
“You’re not insane,” Laura said. “You’re an idiot. That’s not even the rhyme!”
Jack turned to Paul, for he was clearly not getting anywhere with Laura. “You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?”
“I think…” Paul forced himself to look Jack in the eyes. “I think we need to establish who gives the orders around here.”
Jack nodded. “You’re the prince, no argument there.”
“Then why did you disobey me?” Paul asked. “I told you to go around the storm.”
Reaching into his pocket, Jack produced his telescope and scanned the horizon. “I knew what I was doing.”
“That’s not the point!” Paul felt something snap inside him, felt something boil up within his barbarian blood. “Whether you like it or not, I’m the prince here. I’m in charge. Do you understand? Princess Luscious’ life depends on me! And so does my father’s kingdom! I can’t fail — I refuse to fail because of you!”
Jack lowered the telescope. “We’re there.” He pointed toward the horizon. “Treasury Island, dead ahead. Storm threw us straight at it.”
“What?” Paul said in shock.
“Made good time, too,” Jack said. “I’d wager we’re even ahead of your wizard. Told you I knew what I was doing.”
Laura snorted. “You can’t expe
ct us to believe you planned this.”
“Believe what you want,” Jack said with a shrug. “But now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to put something cold on my jaw.”
He turned away from them and descended into the cabin, his mask of smug confidence shriveling into a sigh of relief.
17
ONE HAPPY BARBARIAN
King Hofnar galloped across the crumbling bridge to Lilypine, stone blocks breaking loose and hitting the water with every hoof beat.
He raced past the Troll Booth before the Troll could stop him.
He careened past long stretches of beautiful but worthless trees.
He skidded to a stop before a lopsided pile of stones that had the audacity to call itself a castle.
He barreled into the castle’s main hall where cracked masonry and faded tapestries surrounded him on every side.
He tore open several chests, hurling their contents across the room.
Queen Berba the Frigid, more ice sculpture than human being, glided into the chamber in all her pristine, icicle beauty.
“Hofnar, what are you doing?” she asked.
King Hofnar paused mid-scavenge. “No time for talk, Berba! There be much to do!”
He moved to kiss her, but her glacial stare stopped him cold. Instead, he kissed the air three feet away, though even at that range he still felt the chill, then charged to another chest.
“What’s gotten into you?” Berba asked. “Where’s Paul?”
“On his first Quest! ’Twas chosen to rescue the emperor’s daughter! Ah — there it be!”
King Hofnar seized a savage-looking war hammer from a chest filled with balls of yarn.
Berba stared at it in horror. “Put that away! I told you, no more tree-smashing with that hammer! Has it not caused our family enough pain?”
“I have no choice,” King Hofnar said. “Please, do not be angered, Berba, but I didst wager the kingdom on Paul’s Quest, and King Sterling’s armies wilt soon invade us!”
“You did what?” Berba was not quite sure she’d heard any of that correctly.
“Not now, Berba — I must go rally the peasants!” Roaring a barbarian battle cry, King Hofnar charged from the room looking happier than Berba had seen him look in a very long time.
Berba, however, did not look happy at all. She looked terrified. Although she was known as Berba the Frigid, the one thing that warmed her heart was the bottomless love she felt for her son. Lifting her eyes to the heavens, she prayed, “Almighty Jahalael, I beg of you, please have mercy on my precious son.”
As if in response, thunder grumbled someplace far away.
18
SMILE NUMBER 33
Seeboth escorted Princess Luscious to the bow of the Dawnslayer, his puppies scampering about their feet. From there, the couple enjoyed a stunning view of the inky water that glittered around them like the scales of some ancient, poisonous fish from the bottom of the sea.
“You did all this?” Princess Luscious asked.
She was referring not to the impossibly black waters, but to the half-submerged ruins of a once-magnificent city that peeked above the waves. Arcane green flames burned atop the tips of the city’s spires like infernal, eternal torches.
“I know it’s out of the way, but I thought you might enjoy seeing a sample of my handiwork before we visit the pirates,” he said. “This was Waterblack, where I slaughtered a horde of barbarians, turned them all into Zombie slaves, and then sank—”
Princess Luscious smiled politely and looked away.
Seeboth’s heart constricted with an icy pang of fear. He didn’t like the feeling; it made him want to kill something.
“I’m boring you,” he said.
“No, not at all,” Princess Luscious replied, giving him her Smile Number 27, the one she utilized for long reception lines and conversations she had stopped listening to several minutes ago. “Please, finish telling me how you plan to become king of the world.”
Seeboth cleared his throat awkwardly. “Um, that’s god. Of the omniverse.”
“Of course it is.” She smiled again — still Number 27.
Seeboth could sense that he was losing her. “Let us talk of other matters,” he said.
“All right.”
They stared at each other in silence.
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The moment stretched agonizingly.
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Seeboth couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
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He had never felt sweat on his upper lip before.
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He had never known such mind-numbing fear!
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Princess Luscious could finally bear no more and turned away from him with a bittersweet glimmer of Smile Number 12, the one she reserved for the losing knights in jousting tournaments, the one that said, Well, you tried your best, didn’t you.
Seeboth could feel her disappointment.
He could feel his own disappointment even more.
Weren’t love and romance supposed to be pleasurable? He was having a very hard time seeing the appeal.
On either side of the ship, the spires of the sunken city glided past, flicking their tongues of emerald flame into the night sky. Princess Luscious gave an involuntary giggle and spread her arms.
“I feel like a bird flying over the city,” she said.
“Flying? You wish to fly?” Seeboth said. He realized he’d said it too eagerly, but he didn’t care. He was thankful for any opportunity to say or do anything she might enjoy.
He gestured, this time using the magic in several of his fingers, and shadowy wings blistered from the sides of the ship. They unfurled, spreading an even deeper shade of night overhead, and with one massive flap, the Shadowship surged from the water.
Princess Luscious squealed with glee. Without thinking, Smile Number 33 lit up her face. Number 33 was the one smile she had no control over, for it was her true smile, the truest smile of all, the smile of pure joy. It surged out of her, and the sight of it washed away all of Seeboth’s doubts.
She hugged him as they soared into the clouds. The dark wizard hesitantly wrapped an arm around her. Their eyes met. Her cheeks flushed.
“What else can you do?” she asked quietly.
And with that, all of Seeboth’s doubts came rushing back in one massive panic attack. He took a step back and shoved Princess Luscious to Demog, who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere as if he knew things were about to turn sour.
“Demog! Lock her up!” Seeboth said as he sought to compose himself. “We… we’ve wasted enough time on woo! Turn the ship around and make haste to Treasury Island! Do it now!”
With a nearly imperceptible shake of his head, Demog escorted the confused princess below deck. As soon as she was out of sight, Seeboth’s stern facade crumbled. He scooped up one of the puppies.
“It’s working, Septic. It’s working!”
He began to waltz around the deck, the memory of Smile Number 33 still burning bright behind his wicked eyes.
19
SO YOU WANNA BE A PRINCE CHARMING
The Sargasso Sphinx sailed through an empty sea toward the nub of an island upon the horizon. This far out, there was not a bridge to be seen. Here the Empire of Bridges was a distant memory.
Below deck, what sounded like monks chanting a driving, Gothic riff could be heard. Chimes and pulsing strings combined to underscore
the infectious beat. Flexing its enchanted vocal chords, the Singing Sword began to sing.
So you want to be a Prince Charming,
I’m just saying,
That’s quite alarming.
The Dragon slaying,
And danger braving,
And, of course, the princess saving.
It’s such a complicated mess,
To save a damsel in distress,
But I know you’ll try your best,
So that once upon a day,
Your name can be followed by an H.E.A.
SLASH!
The Singing Sword sliced the air, momentarily interrupting its tight verse structure. As Paul reoriented himself and continued to practice several elaborate moves, the Sword continued its song.
When you were just a little prince
Playing with a wooden sword,
Remember how much fun it was
To go and save the world?
Fighting bandits in the sandbox,
Dueling wizards in the gardens,
No pain,
No horror,
Just wearing shining armor,
No terrors,
No failures,
Just winning peasants’ praises,
Then home in time for dinner
After saving all the maidens…
Laura descended the stairs and took up a position in the shadows where she could watch. Paul didn’t notice her, too focused was he on his technique, but Laura couldn’t help but notice him. Wielding his sword, sweat on his brow, intensity in his eyes — he was actually… somewhat… handsome.