What Happiness Looks Like (Promises)

by Lenfestey, Karen

  “I’m behind on a big project and I’ve got that thing with Anna tonight.” Peering into the mirror on his dresser, he combed his jet-black hair with his fingers. “I want you to think about what you want to do next. . .if this doesn’t work. We’ve run through our savings and I think it’s time we face the truth.”

  Kate dropped her legs so she could sit up and study him. IVF was expensive, but she assumed they would give it another try. “And what do you believe to be the truth?”

  He came over and pushed aside their damask comforter, which lay haphazardly across their bed. He sat next to her. “Maybe this wasn’t meant to be.”

  She caught a whiff of her own pungent sweat. He used to dance around this issue, but the hormone shots, mood swings and failed IVFs had taken their toll on both of them. “Don’t say that. Don’t say that I missed my chance. I can’t stand to think about it.” Tears stung her eyes.

  He placed his hand around her shoulders and pulled her against his chest. “What I mean is maybe we should think about adoption or something.”

  She shook her head, banging into his collarbone. “I want my own baby. A baby with your math and science skills and my people skills.”

  “I’m just saying—”

  “Well, stop it.” She rubbed her abdomen. “It could be happening right now. Don’t give up.”

  Mitch stood and walked toward the door. “I’ve got to go.” He sighed. “I won’t be back in a jiffy.”

  She nodded but didn’t smile at their inside joke. Mitch had told her once that a “jiffy” technically meant 1/100th of a second.

  As soon as he left, Kate flipped onto her back and propped her feet up once again. Guilt pressed against her chest. She knew she should consider adoption. After all of these years of counseling, she knew the satisfaction of helping other people’s children. But she yearned to nurture her own DNA. She no longer had a mother or a father, but she suspected that by having a child, she would feel connected to her parents.

  She wanted her own family. Was that so wrong?

  Her eyes squeezed shut. Even though she’d never had much success with prayer, she decided to put her wish out there. Just in case God was listening. God, please, please, please give Mitch and me a child.

  She remained in the clumsy gymnast position until she heard her sister unlock the front door and call her name.

  Bypassing the camel-colored wrap dress she’d worn to the office, she pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt. “I’ll be right there.” She checked in the bathroom mirror for redness in her eyes or other signs that she’d been upset. She applied a little powder and mascara as camouflage before she went downstairs.

  Joely paced across the kitchen’s cherry wood floor, biting her thumbnail. “You’re not going to believe who I saw today.”

  Kate didn’t know whom to guess. Joely had made some acquaintances since she’d moved to Foxworth, but as a full-time mother with a chronic illness, she’d mostly spent her time at home.

  Joely stopped pacing and stared at Kate. “Jake.”

  “Jake who?”

  Joely threw her hands up in the air looking exasperated. “Jake who? Jake Mahoney.”

  Kate’s mouth gaped open. “Jake’s here? Why would he come here?”

  “Apparently Anna mailed him an invitation to Dads’ Night.”

  Kate cocked an eyebrow. “How’d she get his address?”

  “That’s a good question. I don’t know.” Joely pressed her temples as if she were in an Excedrin commercial. “But now I don’t know what to do. She obviously wants to meet him.”

  “What good would that do? A father who checks in once every five years is worse than no father at all.” She’d read somewhere that girls whose fathers had died were less promiscuous than girls whose fathers had left. It’d be better for Anna if Jake were dead.

  Joely sighed, undoubtedly feeling the weight of Anna’s happiness resting on her shoulders. “I told him he couldn’t see her.”

  Relieved, Kate nodded. “You made the right call.”

  “But what if Anna finds out some day that her dad wanted to reconnect and I stood in his way? She would hate me.”

  “That’s part of being a mom—letting your kids hate you when you know what’s best for them.” As if she knew anything about being a mom.

  Joely started pacing again, picking at her cuticles. “God knows Jake isn’t exactly father material. She wouldn’t be missing out.” It sounded as if she were trying to convince herself. “He’ll probably fly back to California tonight and cross this off his to-do list. His conscience cleared.”

  Kate clenched her fists. “What a jerk.” Outside a neighbor’s dog barked. Her sister kept fidgeting, avoiding eye contact. Kate slapped the countertop to make her point. “Listen to me. You have to do whatever it takes to make sure he stays away from her.”

  Joely seemed to study the kitchen’s swan-necked silver faucet. “He said he had a right to see her.”

  Kate had never liked Jake, but she could see her sister wavering. She moved so Joely would have to look at her. “I think you should get a lawyer. Anna doesn’t deserve to have Jake interfering with her life. She’s so happy and trusting.” Like Joely used to be before Jake.

  Joely shook her head.

  Kate knew she wasn’t the kind to get a lawyer. Neither of them were.

  But sometimes you have to fight for what’s important.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  JOELY

  That night Anna put on the pink poodle skirt she’d brought home from school. Dalton had done a nice job, adding a rhinestone for the eye and ribbon for a leash. Who would’ve thought a cowboy could be so crafty?

  “What are you smiling at, Mommy?”

  Joely’s cheeks heated up as if she’d been caught. “I’m thinking how cute you look. Do you remember how to do the dance?”

  Anna started doing the twist and her pink skirt twirled left to right. “It’s easy.”

  The doorbell rang and Joely sucked in her breath. They weren’t expecting anyone. Could that be Jake? She needed to prepare Anna for such an emotional event. “Did you brush your teeth?” They’d had macaroni and cheese secretly infused with pureed sweet potatoes for dinner. “Let’s go to the bathroom and brush.”

  “No. I want to see who’s at the door!” Anna ran past her into the foyer.

  Kate had beaten them there. She held the front door open and took a small white box from a strange man wearing a baseball cap and a “Peggy’s Florist” T-shirt.

  Anna’s shoulders slumped. “Darn. It’s not him.”

  Joely’s heart ached. Her greatest fear was her daughter’s only desire. “Who were you expecting?” She was pretty sure she knew the answer.

  “Daddy. It’s Dads’ Night and I’m the only one in the class who isn’t bringing her dad.”

  Was that really true? Maybe not. But what mattered was that Anna felt like she was the only one. Joely smoothed her hand over Anna’s blond hair, which was pulled into a ponytail and tied with a scarf. She tried to think of comforting words, but none came to her.

  After tipping the delivery man, Kate shut the door and opened the card taped to the box. Her lips pushed together, forming unflattering lines around her mouth.

  Anna jumped up to try and see. “What is it? What is it?” Kate tilted the box toward them, revealing a pink rose corsage surrounded by baby’s breath. Anna’s eyes grew bigger. “It’s so pretty. Can I have it?”

  Kate handed the card to Joely who read it silently. “To my favorite little girl—sorry I can’t make it tonight, but I’ll be thinking of you. Love Daddy.” Anger bubbled inside Joely.

  Anna jumped up, trying to see the words. “What does the card say? Give it to me. I can read most anything now that I’m five.”

  Desperate for wisdom, Joely took a deep breath. She couldn’t lie to her daughter and she couldn’t pretend this flower hadn’t arrived. “Yes, it’s for you. Aren’t you lucky?”

  Anna grinned from cheek to cheek. “Thank you, Mommy.
” Joely bent down and gently pinned the rose to her daughter’s pink cardigan. Anna touched the petals. Gently. Like she did the chicks at the petting zoo. “Wow. I’ll bet I’m the only girl with a flower tonight!”

  Joely nodded. “I bet you’re right.” The only girl with a flower, the only girl without a dad. Not exactly a fair trade-off.

  Mitch, just home from the office, came into the foyer and wrinkled his forehead in confusion. “Who’s that from?” Kate signaled for him to drop it.

  Anna bent forward trying to smell the rose. “It’s from Mommy.”

  Joely tugged on her earlobe. “Actually. . . .”

  Kate mouthed “Shut up”.

  Joely pulled her daughter close and squatted down to look her in the eye. “It’s from your daddy. He got your invitation, but he couldn’t be here tonight, so he sent this.”

  “He got my card, but he still didn’t come?” Anna’s bottom lip protruded.

  Joely hurt just watching her daughter’s disappointment. “He wanted to, but you know, he lives so far away.”

  Anna dropped her head and stomped up the stairs. “I don’t wanna go.”

  Resisting the urge to stomp her own feet, Joely cursed Jake under her breath. Slowly she climbed the stairs. Before entering Anna’s room, she paused to force a smile. She sat next to Anna under the bed’s canopy. “I’m so sorry, sweetie, that your dad can’t be here. He cares about you and I’m sure he thinks about you all of the time.” Apparently she could lie to her daughter after all.

  “If he cares about me, why doesn’t he ever call or visit?”

  Something curled up and died inside of Joely. This entire evening was on the verge of ruin. “Anna, it’s hard because your dad doesn’t live here. But you have me and Aunt Kate and Uncle Mitch who love you and want to be with you all of the time. In fact, when I drop you off at school, I can hardly wait until 3:00 so I can see you again.” She gave Anna’s shoulders a big squeeze, then tickled her belly, desperate to cheer her up.

  “Stop it!” A serious tone.

  Joely tickled her again, hoping they would roll across the bed, giggling and forgetting their woes, as they had before. Like when Anna’s pet caterpillar escaped or she misplaced her mini telescope.

  Anna kicked her feet against the mattress. “Stop it! You’ll smash my flower!”

  Pausing, Joely caught a whiff of the rose’s perfume-like scent. “You’re right. Let’s take it off. You won’t need it since you’re not going tonight.”

  Anna cupped her hands protectively over the bud. “No!”

  Mitch walked in the room wearing jeans, a white shirt and black leather jacket. He looked a bit like Fonzie. “Are you ready to go to the Sock-Hop? I’ve been looking forward to this all day.”

  Joely admired him. Kate sure was lucky to be married to a man who wasn’t afraid to let down his guard for the sake of a child.

  Anna stared, as if trying to decide if she wanted to remain grumpy or go have fun. “You look funny.”

  Mitch ran his hand through his slicked back hair. “What do you mean?”

  “You’re dressed up like it’s Halloween.”

  “Well, so are you. Let’s go. We don’t want to be late.”

  Anna jumped off the bed and took Mitch’s hand.

  She should be holding Jake’s hand, Joely couldn’t help thinking. Damn him. Where had he been for the last five years?

  Joely followed them so she could catch one last glimpse of Anna’s face, hoping to see that she’d let go of the disappointment. It was hard to tell.

  Once they were out the door, Kate put her hand on her hip. “Can you believe the nerve of Jake? What the hell is he doing to that poor girl—sending her a note like that?”

  “I don’t know.” Joely suddenly remembered their old dynamic. Kate always bad-mouthed Jake and Joely felt the need to defend him. “But did you see the anticipation in Anna’s eyes when she thought the man at the front door was her dad?”

  “Yes. And I saw the disappointment when it wasn’t. That’s what Jake does best. He makes a good first impression and then takes off when life gets a little complicated.”

  “You have to admit, my life is more than a little complicated.”

  Instead of responding, Kate sorted through the mail stacked on the kitchen island. She opened a small envelope to reveal what looked like an invitation to a teddy bear-themed baby shower. “Whatever you do, don’t you dare let this man back into your life.” She pointed the invitation at Joely. “When you’re around him, you lose all rational thought. There was a time that if Jake said ‘Let’s go jump off a cliff’, you would’ve taken his hand and jumped.”

  Joely shook her head. “Not anymore.”

  Frowning, Kate dropped the teddy bear card into the trash. “Don’t do this to Anna. That’s all I’m saying. Your job is to protect her.” She carried a Psychology Today magazine into the living room and placed it on the library table.

  Joely followed her and sat on the arm of the couch. “I know what my job is.” She sighed, not enjoying the lecture. Time to change the subject. “I really appreciate Mitch taking her tonight. He’s so good with her. He’s going to make a great father.”

  Kate’s face crumpled and tears shone in her blue eyes.

  Joely rushed to her sister’s side and put her hand around her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

  Kate covered her face with her hands. “We’re never going to have a baby.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “Mitch said he wants to stop the fertility treatments.” Kate’s voice cracked.

  Joely rubbed her palm across Kate’s upper back. “I’m sorry. Can you change his mind?”

  Kate shook her head. “I wasted so much time focusing on my job, traveling, acting as if I didn’t care if I had a baby or not. I’m forty years old. If it was going to happen, it would have by now.”

  “You don’t know that. Look at me and Anna. The doctor said I couldn’t have a child, but I did. And I believe it will happen for you. After all, you’re healthy and strong. Think positive.”

  Kate reached for a tissue and wiped her eyes. “I wish Mitch felt the way you do.”

  “Well, so what if he doesn’t want to see doctors and do hormone shots anymore? That doesn’t mean you couldn’t get pregnant the old-fashioned way. Just relax and see what happens.”

  Kate slammed her hand on the library table, rattling the silver tray that held spare change. “I hate it when people tell me to relax! Or when they tell me how they couldn’t conceive, adopted a child and then got pregnant. They make it sound like it’s all in my head. It’s my fault that we’re not pregnant because I’m too uptight.”

  “Whoa. I didn’t mean that. I tell you what. Get your coat. You’re coming with me to meditation class tonight. You need it as badly as I do.”

  Kate crinkled her nose.

  “Don’t worry. We don’t sit cross-legged on the floor chanting or anything. Trust me, it will make you feel better.” Kate didn’t move. Joely could see that she needed some convincing. “And afterward we can go on an ice cream run.” That had been one of their traditions when they’d lived in different states, to treat themselves to ice cream every time they saw each other.

  The corners of Kate’s mouth turned up a little as she patted her abdomen. “I think maybe I feel a craving coming on.”

  Joely felt something in her belly, too: churning.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  KATE

  The meditation instructor wasn’t at all what Kate expected.

  “Breathe in to the count of six, hold it, then out for another six,” he said. She thought he’d look like Gandhi, small and tanned with a turban on his head. Instead, he wore a suit, had thick, gray hair and a soothing voice. He explained that he worked as a mediator in the courts during the day and taught people how to de-stress at night. “Simply be here. Be now. Listen to the heater blowing. Be aware of the sounds in the auditorium. Silence your mind.”

  Kate closed her eyes, feeling a lit
tle silly. The ginger taste of the fertility herbs she’d swallowed with dinner still lingered inside her mouth. She tried to focus on her breathing, but all she could think about was Mitch’s announcement.

  How could he quit on the most important thing in their lives? She was tired of feeling like a lab rat rather than a woman, but apparently nature needed some help. Her body was old. Oh, God. Weren’t you supposed to have your life figured out by the time you turned forty?

  “If your mind wanders,” the teacher said. “That’s OK. Pull it back. Here and now is all that matters. This moment is healing.”

  She took his advice and started counting her breaths again. One, two, three. . . . But her mind didn’t want to be there. It kept saying “baby, baby, baby”.

  She made a mental note to send her standard gift basket to the friend who’d invited her to the teddy bear-themed baby shower. When she and Mitch had first been trying, she’d attended such events, smiling and thinking, “I’m next.” Eventually she’d hit a wall. She’d rather overspend on the present than actually participate in another woman’s “guess the baby’s due date” or “guess the mommy’s circumference” games ever again. Maybe they should play “guess what’s wrong with Kate’s eggs” instead.

  “Imagine a safe, beautiful place,” the instructor said.

  Closing her eyes even tighter, she envisioned the time she and Mitch vacationed at Niagara Falls. Now that was beautiful. She pictured herself standing against the guardrail overlooking the rainbow mist, but the noise from the falls overwhelmed her. What about the time she and Mitch took a river cruise along the Seine? She floated past Notre Dame and its flying buttresses, but her mind didn’t know where to go from there. They’d been so happy. They were content just to be a couple then. They hadn’t yet been denied a basic human right.