What Happiness Looks Like (Promises)

by Lenfestey, Karen

  Returning to Lily’s room, Kate was glad to see that the contraction had passed. She encouraged Lily to talk about what she’d been doing lately.

  Lily tugged at the end of a jagged fingernail. “I’m living with someone, but he doesn’t want a kid. I promised him I’d get an abortion, but I kept putting it off.” Their conversation flowed rather smoothly, which was unusual. Typically, Kate did most of the talking, but today Lily had plenty on her mind. She talked about her boyfriend and all the crazy side effects of being pregnant—like being hungry all of the time and having to go pee all of the time.

  Who knows how much time passed, but eventually Lily’s labor pains took center stage. Her body tensed with another contraction.

  Kate stood by and watched, wishing she could do something. She remembered some of the training she’d received for her sister’s pregnancy. “Picture a place where you feel safe.”

  Lily slammed her fist against the bed rail. For a moment, she didn’t answer, consumed with pain. Every muscle in her body seemed to clench. “No place.”

  The neck of the gown had shifted to reveal the dot of discolored skin near Lily’s collarbone. Kate winced as her gaze settled on the scar. As a child, Lily had been burned with cigarettes, locked in closets and molested. After CPS took her away from her mother and her mother’s boyfriend, she’d been bounced from one foster care home to another. In high school she’d been kicked out of a home for sleeping with a knife under her pillow. Kate would’ve slept with a weapon nearby, too, if she’d been tortured the way Lily had. One key question remained in Kate’s mind: Was it possible to heal a person who’d never felt loved?

  Kate’s childhood had been tragic, but she at least had adoring parents until she was orphaned at ten. And she’d never been physically abused. Even so, conjuring up a serene place during meditation class had been difficult for her. She tried to think of a suggestion. “Picture the beach. Have you been to the beach?”

  Again, Lily’s head moved from side to side, flattening her red hair even more. “Never.”

  How could she live an hour or so from the Indiana Dunes and have never been there? Had she never been on a vacation? Probably not. No one to take her. “You’ve seen photographs of the water, seagulls in the sky, people lying on the sand?” Surely she’d seen a beach in a TV commercial or something.

  Taking short, shallow breaths, Lily nodded.

  “Imagine you’re floating on one of the white clouds up in the sky,” Kate said. “You’re light as air, looking down at the calm blue water.”

  Ever so slightly, Lily’s face relaxed, even though she kept one hand clutched to her belly.

  “Now, listen to the wind.”

  A moment later the contraction ended. “It’s over. Hey, thanks. I never believed in that ‘go to your happy place’ shit, but it really works.”

  Kate smiled. She’d always liked Lily. She saw a bright, young woman who didn’t seem able to navigate the social world on her own. More likely, didn’t want to. It kind of surprised Kate that she had managed to get close enough to anyone in order to end up pregnant. But she’d probably used sex as a way to get a place to live. And now she’d lost that.

  “Where will you and the baby go when you leave the hospital?”

  Lily shrugged. “I can’t go back to Butch’s place if I have a baby. So, I was thinking maybe I could leave the baby here. They could find it a good home.”

  How could she talk so casually about giving up her baby? Apparently she hadn’t matured much since high school. Kate swallowed. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

  She looked away. “It doesn’t matter what I want. This baby doesn’t deserve to have me for a mother.”

  Ah, she did care. She just didn’t have faith in herself. “Lily, you’ll be a good mother if you want to be. You just have to make up your mind.”

  Lily picked at her cuticles. “I come from a long line of bad mothers. I think it’s a DNA thing.”

  “That’s not true. You’ve always had the potential to do better than your parents. You simply need to try. Having a baby. . .that’s special. That’s what life is all about.” Tears prickled at her eyes.

  Lily turned her head so she could focus on Kate. “Why don’t you adopt my baby?”

  Kate’s throat dried up. Lily had no idea that a baby would solve all of her and Mitch’s problems. They’d been happily married for nearly a decade before all of this infertility stuff gnawed away at their joy.

  Just then the anesthesiologist arrived and greeted them. He told Lily to lie on her side and he opened up the back of her gown, exposing the ripples of her vertebrae. “Hold very still,” he said. The doctor aimed the needle and as he placed it into her back, Lily jerked, overcome by another contraction.

  Suddenly Lily fell back, her arms limp at her sides, her eyes closed.

  “Damn,” the anesthesiologist said.

  “What happened? What happened?” Kate yelled.

  He pushed her aside and grabbed some kind of clear blue plastic mask and put it over Lily’s nose and mouth. He flipped a switch labeled oxygen.

  Kate’s fingers trembled against her lips. “Oh, my God.”

  With one hand holding the mask over Lily’s face, the doctor raised the top half of Lily’s bed.

  Kate stared at Lily’s paralyzed body. That must be what someone looks like when they die. “What’s going on?” She was just talking to her and now. . . .

  The anesthesiologist pulled a cord hanging near the headboard. Immediately bells started ringing. “The epidural went up instead of down. She’s unable to breathe on her own.”

  Two nurses rushed in and told Kate to leave. She didn’t move. Another doctor entered the room, wearing street clothes and pulling on non-latex gloves. He looked at one of the monitors and reached his hand under the sheet covering Lily’s lower half. “The baby’s heartbeat is dropping.” He tied a surgical mask over his mouth and nose then pointed at Kate. “Get her out of here.”

  A nurse pinched Kate’s elbow and forced her out the door.

  JOELY

  Anna clenched Joely’s hand as they rode down the hotel escalator. The five-year-old had read the warning label about how shoes, loose clothing or hair could get caught in the moving parts. Sometimes it wasn’t so great having a gifted child.

  Joely studied Anna’s white face. “It’s OK, honey. See that yellow line at the bottom? Step right over it and you’ll be fine.”

  Anna stared at the end, where the stairs flattened and disappeared.

  Why did they have to put warning labels everywhere? Poor Anna was overly sensitive to such things. She had even worried that the police would arrest her mom when Joely had removed the manufacturer’s tag from Anna’s toddler mattress—the one that said “Do not remove under penalty of law.”

  Here came the ragged jaws of the escalator. Obviously steeling herself, Anna tightened her grip and held her breath. Quickly she leaped over the yellow line. Mother and daughter both let out a gush of air.

  Once they cleared the escalator, they continued holding hands through the lobby, past a large gilded mirror. A man in black slacks and a white button-down shirt stood at a podium near the hotel restaurant.

  Anna stopped in her tracks and pointed inside the restaurant. “Look! It’s Uncle Mitch.”

  Without even checking, Joely shook her head. “No, it’s probably somebody who looks like him.” Suddenly she felt anxious to get Anna to bed. In the morning, she’d pay the price for this long day. Anna would drag her feet as she walked, grumpily declaring that she wasn’t hungry for breakfast and that her socks were too tight.

  Anna wouldn’t move. “Can we go say hi?”

  Joely’s gaze followed her daughter’s pointer finger past the maitre d’ and into a booth. And there he was. Mitch.

  What was he doing all the way over here? They were forty minutes away from Foxworth. And it was a weeknight. Kate would be expecting him for dinner. She watched as Mitch tore off a piece of bread from the basket and hande
d it to the woman across from him. He talked animatedly to his companion.

  Joely sucked in her breath. She had been so positive that he would never cheat. Was it possible?

  Her neck stretched, trying to see what his companion looked like. At first the woman’s profile barely peeked out from behind her waist-long, highlighted hair, but then she turned her head sideways to speak to the waiter. She looked young. Too young to be one of Mitch’s co-workers. Just barely old enough to be out of high school.

  Anna pulled Joely closer to the maitre d’s station.

  Joely held her ground. “It’s not him. Let’s go.” Gently she tugged on Anna’s hand and headed for the exit.

  Anna waved with her free hand. “Uncle Mitch!”

  Mitch glanced up at them and the smile fell from his lips.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  KATE

  A nurse wearing scrubs in a teddy bear print stopped in front of Kate. The woman tucked her black hair behind her ears, her lobes dotted where earrings should go. “She’s asking for you.”

  Kate stood up from the vinyl chair in the waiting room. She’d been there for hours. “Is Lily OK? How’s the baby?”

  A baby’s scream echoed down the corridor. A door closed, muffling the cry.

  The nurse smiled. “Mother and baby are doing fine and are ready for visitors. Are you the only one here?”

  “I’m afraid so.”

  “What a shame.” The nurse pointed toward room two hundred and six. “They’re in the recovery room.”

  In a heartbeat, Kate rushed to the door and opened it. Inside, Lily held a swaddled infant in her arms. They both looked pale. Lily’s red hair was matted down, semi-circles puffed under her eyes.

  The new mother looked at Kate. “Mrs. H, I’m so glad you’re still here. That was horrible. I could hear you yelling ‘What happened?’ but I couldn’t talk. I couldn’t move.”

  Kate stood at the edge of the bed. “I was so scared. I thought you died.”

  “Me, too! Except that I could hear the doctor talking while he did the C-section. I was kind of in and out of consciousness, but I heard the clinking of the instruments and the beep of the monitor. It was weird.”

  Without thinking of how much Lily hated to be touched, Kate leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “I’m so glad you’re all right.”

  Lily scrunched up her face. She tried lifting the baby, but couldn’t. “You want to hold her?”

  “Sure.” Kate took the baby. The infant barely weighed anything, less than a sack of sugar, lighter than her cat, Monte. “What’s her name?”

  Lily shook her head. “I’m not going to name her. You name her. You take her home with you.”

  Something caught in Kate’s throat. The baby had big dark blue eyes and a tiny bump for a nose. Kate adored the feel of fluff as she caressed her head. She’d always hoped her baby would be a girl. So tempting.

  Instinct took over. She stuck her index finger in between the baby’s lips. The newborn latched on as if Kate were her mother. Sashaying toward the window, Kate studied the green buds on a nearby tree. Spring was coming. The season of new beginnings.

  She thought of the philosopher John Locke’s theory that a baby is a tabula rasa, a blank slate. And through children’s experiences, they can write their own destiny. Genetics were irrelevant. Oh, she would like to believe that.

  After a few minutes, the baby started to cry. Her entire face turned bright red to match her hair. Kate bounced her gently, showing her the big, beautiful sky. She loved the feel of a baby in her arms. She turned toward Lily. “Maybe she’s hungry. Has she been fed?”

  Lily wiped a tear away from her face. “The nurse asked if I wanted to breastfeed, but I didn’t know if I should. What do you think?”

  Kate placed the infant back into Lily’s arms, hoping that would calm them both. She’d never seen Lily shed a tear before. “They say breastfed babies are healthier. But it’s really your decision.”

  The baby settled down when Lily placed her finger in her daughter’s mouth, the way she’d seen Kate do. “I didn’t want to risk her bonding with me if . . . ”

  This baby could be the answer for her and Mitch. No more fertility doctors, no more hormones making her crazy, no more talk about using Mitch’s sperm and another woman’s egg. This child would belong to them equally.

  Wringing her hands, Kate stared at the newborn with its wispy flames of hair. Some people spent years on adoption waiting lists, she knew. Yet she and Mitch could have this baby tomorrow. Conflicted, she gathered her thoughts and took a deep breath. “Lily, you’re this baby’s mother. You need to decide what’s best for her.”

  “But I don’t have a clue what to do with her. I don’t know anything about babies.”

  “No one does at first. But you’re smart. You can read books, ask other moms, figure it out as you go along.”

  Lily licked her chapped lips. “But my life is a disaster. I don’t have a place to live.”

  The counselor in Kate jumped into problem-solving mode. “Do you have a job?”

  “Making minimum wage, shelving books at the library.”

  Lily, the wanna-be writer. A job at the library seemed fitting, but not with that kind of pay. Adoption really might be best for her. Otherwise, she’d need to find out about welfare, food stamps, government housing. Kate didn’t know how quickly any of those services kicked in.

  The baby opened her mouth and wailed, no longer satisfied with Lily’s finger.

  Kate knew they wouldn’t be able to talk over the crying. “I can’t tell you what to do, Lily. But that baby needs to be fed. Do you want me to send in the lactation consultant to show you how to nurse?”

  The new mother scratched near the IV taped to her arm. Soon red nail marks streaked her fair skin. “They have someone who can teach me?”

  Kate smiled. “Yes. It can be a little tricky at first. My sister had a hard time with it and eventually supplemented with formula. But a little breast milk is better than none.”

  “It sounds to me like you want me to breastfeed.”

  Twisting her wedding ring, Kate didn’t know what to say. After reading articles about increased immunity and IQ, it was hard to hide her bias toward breast milk, apparently. “You can nurse her, even if you want her adopted.”

  Lily closed her eyes for a moment, as if she were concentrating. “Send the lacto—whatever you called her—in.”

  Kate stroked the baby’s head one last time and said goodbye. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  She had a lilt in her step as she exited the maternity ward. She couldn’t wait to talk to Mitch.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  JOELY

  Joely strangled the steering wheel the whole drive home.

  Anna pretended the chess pieces were puppets as she re-created the scene at the hotel restaurant. First a high octave: “I’m Rapunzel and I’m hungry.” Then a deep voice: “Let down your beautiful, long hair and I’ll give you some bread to eat.”

  Joely chewed on her lip. What should she say to Kate? She had to tell her. If she didn’t, Anna surely would.

  The ride home was both too long and too short. Finally, she pulled into the driveway. “Anna, I want you to put away your chess set and get ready for bed.”

  “But I want to tell Aunt Kate that we saw Uncle Mitch.”

  Joely looked at Anna in the rearview mirror, knowing her back would hurt too much if she turned around. “You do what I told you. I’ll talk to Aunt Kate.”

  Pouting, Anna tossed the chess pieces back into their velvet bag, each one clanking together. “Oh, all right. Be sure to tell her about the woman’s shiny hair. It was so pretty.”

  Steeling herself to break her sister’s heart, Joely reached for the door. She walked into the house and waited in the kitchen until Anna was upstairs. Making her way to the living room, she stood near Kate.

  Kate put the book she’d been reading in her lap. It was Joely’s dog-eared copy of “What to Expect in Baby’s First
Year.” “You’re not going to believe what happened today.”

  Joely swallowed. “Neither are you.”

  Kate’s eyes widened along with her smile. “A former student of mine called me. She was in labor and wanted me to be there.” She filled Joely in on the dramatic delivery. Her hands flitted about like they usually did when she was excited.

  Unable to focus on Kate’s story, Joely sat close to her on the couch and waited for her turn to speak. When Kate exclaimed that the baby was a girl, Joely took a deep breath. She knew what she had to do. “That’s great.”

  Kate’s perfectly tweezed eyebrows knitted together. “You don’t seem very excited.”

  Joely scratched her scalp then pulled her fingers through her long curls, getting them caught in a knot. “I’m afraid I have something to tell you and it’s not easy.” She worked at the knot, stalling. “I saw Mitch today. At Jake’s hotel.” She waited for that information to sink in. “And he was with a woman.”

  Kate shifted her position and her book fell to the floor. She left it there. “What are you saying?”

  “They were eating in the hotel restaurant. But. . . she was very young. . . I thought you should know.”

  Kate’s eyes seemed to lose their focus.

  Joely wanted to re-assure her that everything was going to be fine. But she also owed it to her sister to protect her from getting blindsided. “Did you ever ask Mitch about why he changed his passwords?”

  “He said the IT guys at work made him change his passwords as a precautionary measure. He doesn’t like to try and remember a bunch of different passwords, so he changed his home accounts to match his work ones.”

  That sounded plausible. “Could be.” But how could he explain dinner with a strange woman? “Have you checked his cell phone for text messages yet?”