The Present and the Past

by Ivy Compton-Burnett

  ‘Now what a way to talk to me, a father such as I am! Have my children ever had a harsh word from me? If they have had a bitter one, whose fault has it been? Have they ever heard me raise my voice, seen me raise my hand? What would they say to an ordinary father, if I am seen like this?’

  ‘Ordinary things are sometimes best in their place.’

  ‘No, they are not. That is a speech without a meaning. You have thought of it at this moment as something clever to say. Ordinary things are not as good as things above the ordinary.’

  ‘I said the best in their place.’

  ‘Things that are best in themselves, are best in any place,’ said Cassius on a triumphant note. ‘Quality must hold its own.’

  ‘Yes, you do well, my boy,’ said Mr Clare, as he went to the stairs.

  ‘Poor Father!’ said Toby suddenly.

  ‘Yes, poor Father!’ said Cassius. ‘Toby’s poor old father! But Toby loves him, doesn’t he?’

  ‘No. Oh, yes, poor Father!’

  ‘And Father loves his Toby.’

  ‘Yes, dear little boy.’

  ‘And dear Father.’

  ‘No, dear Toby.’

  ‘Will you two elder boys come for a walk with me?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Guy, approaching him.

  ‘We were going for a walk with Mother,’ said Fabian.

  ‘Well, which do you want to do?’

  ‘Well, we had arranged to go with Mother.’

  ‘Did you know that, Guy?’ said Cassius.

  ‘No. Yes. Yes, I did.’

  ‘You are as bad as Toby.’

  ‘Or as good,’ said Flavia. ‘They both tried to give you what you wanted.’

  ‘Oh, I don’t want scraps of attention thrown to me, as if I were a beggar in their path. What a way to regard their father! I am content to go my own way, communing with myself. It may be the best companionship.’

  ‘It is the only kind we can have,’ said Henry.

  ‘Oh, you have found that, have you? You are in the same plight as I am. Alone amongst many, as is said.’

  ‘Yes, that is what it seems to be, though I didn’t know people said it. Megan and I have found that our minds are different.’

  ‘How would you like to be really alone as I am?’

  ‘You and Grandpa are together.’

  ‘Yes, that is what has to be said of me, a man with wives and children — a man with a wife and family.’

  ‘Isn’t it a good thing for you to be with him?’

  ‘Yes, indeed it is, my dear old father! It is the thing that binds me to life.’

  ‘I suppose he must die before long.’

  ‘Don’t speak of it,’ said Cassius, putting his hand to his face, as though to ward off a danger, and sending his eyes to his wife behind it. ‘I could only wish to follow him.’

  Chapter 11

  ‘Ah, Miss Bennet, we see you,’ said Halliday. ‘Open the door and come in to us. You must hear it all before you are at peace. Come in; we understand it.’

  Bennet seemed to wander to the table and stood absently fingering it.

  ‘So nothing really happened,’ she said, the words seeming to fall of themselves from her lips.

  Ainger, who was string with his chin on his hand, lifted his eyes.

  ‘Nothing is not the word I should use,’ he said, and let them fall.

  ‘Neither should I,’ said Halliday. ‘We need a different one. It is a slur on the house, the master stooping to this.’

  ‘That may not be the way to see it,’ said Kate. ‘It might argue a want in us.’

  ‘And no reason but discontent with a life that is better than ours.’

  ‘We have not the insight into things.’

  ‘I blame myself,’ said Ainger, seeming to stifle a sigh.

  ‘Well, no one else blames you,’ said Halliday. ‘What was it to do with you?’

  Ainger lifted his eyes and rested them on Halliday’s face.

  ‘My poor master!’ he said, and said no more.

  ‘And “poor man”, it seems.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Ainger, quietly. ‘There is no sting like self-reproach.’

  ‘And what do you reproach yourself for?’

  ‘Events cast shadows before. I ought to have foretold it.’

  ‘Foretold the actual thing?’ said Bennet.

  ‘Perceived the signs. They ought to have put me on my guard. It was in my power to disperse them, as I had done before. But I went on my own way, blind to his need. I have to say it of myself.’

  ‘You could not watch him as if he were a child,’ said Kate.

  ‘It is what I have always done,’ said Ainger, almost giving a smile.

  ‘Well, it was time you stopped,’ said Halliday.

  ‘And it seems that he thought so,’ said Mrs Frost.

  Does the master hold it against you?’ said Kate.

  ‘It is a question, Kate. I have asked it of myself. I seem to catch a look in his eye, that speaks to me and says I should have saved him from himself.’

  ‘He cuts a sorry figure,’ said Halliday.

  ‘And he was prepared to leave his father desolate,’ said Kate, as if continuing the thought.

  ‘Now that is what strikes one,’ said Ainger. ‘That is the dark point. The hearts of the two gentlemen are knit to each other. I should not have expected the pitilessness. Things were indeed too much.’

  ‘It seems there was intervention,’ said Kate.

  ‘It seems so, Kate. That he was frustrated by a higher hand. By his own he would have left us. It chanced that he resisted the fatal amount. The doctor would have been too late.’

  ‘His time had not come,’ said Kate. ‘So it is not for us to decide.’

  ‘He must be a strong man,’ said Bennet.

  ‘I should hardly say so,’ said Ainger. ‘That is more for the outward eye. It vanishes with understanding. I should say I am the stronger of the two.’

  ‘Can’t you think of yourself apart from him?’ said Halliday.

  ‘Well, we are not so often apart.’

  ‘You talk as if you had no work to do.’

  ‘He is the main part of it, and becomes more so. He knows it and keeps it in his heart. That is the real reason for Simon’s presence.’

  ‘You expect to become knit closer?’ said Kate.

  ‘Or are arranging it,’ said Halliday.

  ‘Well, nothing stands still in this world,’ said Ainger.

  ‘It usually seems that everything does,’ said Mrs Frost.

  ‘How does Simon get on?’ said Bennet, looking at the latter in experienced kindness.

  ‘He shapes,’ said Ainger. ‘And that is all that is required at the moment.’

  ‘Until the master absorbs all your energy,’ said Madge.

  ‘Until then, if you like.’

  ‘There will be a wound in Mr Clare’s heart that time will not heal,’ said Kate.

  ‘Time won’t have much chance at his age,’ said Halliday.

  ‘To leave his grey hairs to go down to the grave!’ said Kate, shaking her head. ‘Was it a son’s part?’

  ‘A son’s part has been done,’ said Ainger. ‘I stand as a witness to it. Whatever has been left undone, it has not been that.’

  ‘Does the master love his father better than his wife?’ said Simon.

  ‘It is not for you to gauge affections,’ said Ainger, ‘or to introduce the family under relationships.’

  ‘On which side does your sympathy lie, Mr Ainger?’ said Kate.

  ‘Kate, I will admit it. On the master’s. It may not be the right one or the one favoured by the many, but it is mine. I follow an instinct. It is the guide.’

  ‘The mistress has done her best.’

  ‘And wholeheartedly I admit it. No one gives the mistress fuller credit than I. She has striven to her utmost. I am in a position to judge, as in a sense we work together.’

  ‘And what would you say for the master?’

  ‘I would say nothing. Ther
e is nothing to be said. But the heart does not follow the head’s dictates. My eye goes after him as if he were my child.’

  ‘He is old enough to be your father,’ said Madge.

  ‘No, there is not so much between us. A matter of a dozen years. It is more the distance of an elder brother.’

  ‘That is not your basis,’ said Halliday.

  ‘It is not,’ said Ainger, smiling. ‘I am rather in the position of the elder myself.’

  ‘And you are in another position too.’

  ‘And I hope I fulfil it, Halliday. I should think the less of myself if I did not. And I ask no other. It is a position of trust.’

  ‘Then we are all in one,’ said Madge.

  ‘Wholeheartedly I admit it, Madge,’ said Ainger.

  ‘Perhaps my distance is that of an elder sister,’ said Mrs Frost.

  ‘Now we will not go through the whole gamut,’ said Ainger.

  ‘Now that you have dealt with your own part in it.’

  ‘Well, I think I have a right to, Mrs Frost,’ said Ainger, looking at her frankly. ‘It is one by itself.’

  ‘What is Simon’s distance?’ said Bennet, smiling.

  ‘My words may apply in Simon’s case, Miss Bennet,’ said Ainger.

  ‘The children are fonder of the mistress than the master,’ said Kate.

  ‘I endorse it, Kate. And it is true of the elder young gentlemen. And the tribute to the mistress speaks. I wish sometimes that their hearts would turn to their father. His is open to them, if they knew. But if they did, he would do something to repel them; he is driven by something within. He is master of everyone in the house but himself.’

  ‘I am tired of talking about him,’ said Halliday.

  ‘Then we will drop the subject,’ said Ainger, in a pleasant tone.

  ‘I will resume it,’ said Mrs Frost. ‘Is he ashamed of what he has done?’

  Ainger smiled to himself.

  ‘Does silence mean consent?’ said Kate.

  ‘It does not,’ said Ainger. ‘The opposite is implied.’

  ‘What has he to be proud of?’ said Halliday.

  ‘I don’t know, Halliday. It does not seem to me that he has anything.’

  ‘He is not proud of this business?’

  ‘I would not say he is not. I said he was in some respects a child.’

  ‘It must have taken courage,’ said Kate.

  ‘Courage or cowardice?’ said Ainger, lifting his brows. ‘It must be a moot point.’

  ‘It may be both,’ said Kate.

  ‘I call it courage,’ said Bennet. ‘I should never dare to do it.’

  ‘Then of course you call it courage,’ said Mrs Frost; ‘It is only right.’

  ‘There is something in it,’ said Ainger. ‘To go alone into the dark! I don’t see myself doing it, though I have the courage to face life.’

  ‘It is strange that we all have it,’ said Kate.

  ‘I do admire myself,’ said Madge.

  ‘Well, we know that,’ said Halliday.

  ‘The round and task,’ said Ainger. ‘There may be more in them than we know.’

  ‘There is not any more,’ said Mrs Frost. ‘Ah, that is where the courage may lie.’

  ‘What next?’ said Halliday. ‘You will soon think it needs courage to sit down to your meals.’

  ‘Well, who shall say?’ said Ainger. ‘I will,’ said Mrs Frost. ‘It needs none.’

  ‘I do not know,’ said Ainger. ‘Meals may be a crucial point. I am often glad I do not sit down to those in the dining-room. It is enough to be a witness of them.’

  ‘It may be well to see how matters lie,’ said Kate.

  ‘Essential is the word, Kate. It helps me to deal with them afterwards. Breakfast is often the key to my day.’

  ‘And to theirs too, I suppose,’ said Madge.

  ‘To theirs too, Madge. We need not pursue the point. But I watch the signs with an anxious eye. I often stand behind that table with my heart standing still and my blood running cold.’

  ‘And does Simon do the same?’ said Bennet.

  ‘He may speak for himself,’ said Ainger.

  ‘No,’ said Simon. ‘They usually seem to be polite.’

  ‘Polite!’ said Ainger. ‘I prefer any other sign. If there is any sort of outlet, the air may clear. I know what my day is going to be, by the time I carry out those trays.’

  ‘How did you feel when you thought the master might die?’ said Madge.

  ‘I will express it in a word, Madge. It is a good thing the suspense was short.’

  ‘I wonder if he is glad or sorry to be well again.’

  ‘Sorry, if he knows his own mind,’ said Halliday.

  ‘I should not wish him to do that,’ said Ainger. It would be to wish him not himself. I must try to give him hope.’

  ‘It is a pity you did not do that before.’

  ‘I have said that I blame myself.’

  ‘So you are not to blame any longer,’ said Mrs Frost.

  ‘People tend to the view,’ said Kate.

  ‘Then there are exceptions to the rule,’ said Ainger, in a quiet tone.

  ‘Are the signs of low spirits easy to read?’ said Kate.

  ‘Signs were wanting,’ said Ainger, in a deeper tone. ‘He contrived not to give them. It is a point I do not miss. It shows the scope of the resolve.’

  ‘He must be in a shamefaced mood.’

  ‘No,’ said Ainger, shaking his head with a smile, ‘he is lying on the sofa as if he were suffering from convalescence/And I cannot look at that sofa without a shudder, and the thought of him being carried away from it, white and still. I caught a glimpse of my own face in the glass, and it was the colour of a sheet.’

  ‘So you remembered to look at yourself as well as at him,’ said Halliday.

  ‘It is a providence that I bethought myself to enter the room,’ went on Ainger, as if he had not heard. ‘I pass over the shock to myself. It is a thing to be disposed of.’

  ‘Do you think he will do it again?’ said Madge.

  ‘I do not. I have his word. I bethought myself to exact it.’

  ‘I should think Mr Clare would keep the tablets away from him,’ said Bennet.

  ‘He may,’ said Ainger. ‘He may scorn to do so.’

  ‘When did you see the master?’ said Simon.

  ‘I have had free access to him all the time.’

  ‘You did not seem to avail yourself of it?’ said Halliday.

  Ainger looked at him for a moment.

  ‘Halliday, he lay unconscious.’

  ‘Were you able to say a word to him, when he was in the shadow?’ said Kate.

  ‘I tried to lighten that passage for him, as I hope someone will one day do it for me.’

  ‘You talk as if he had died,’ said Halliday.

  ‘The outcome was veiled in doubt.’

  ‘He was in the valley,’ said Kate.

  ‘How does Mr Clare take it?’ said Bennet.

  ‘As hard as would be expected. We have exchanged a word. But it is a case where feelings lie beyond.’

  ‘So you have had the position of general supporter,’ said Halliday.

  ‘And little as accrues to me from it, I ask no other.’

  ‘What was the master’s complaint against life?’ said Kate. ‘Life itself,’ said Ainger, in a deep tone. ‘What does the mistress say to all of it?’

  ‘Nothing as far as I am concerned. We are not on the terms. She maintains her distance, as she has a right. The gentlemen decide to ignore it.’

  ‘Does she feel it rebounds on her?’ said Kate.

  ‘She has given no sign, nor not to me. It is not her tendency.’

  ‘How soon will the master be well?’ said Madge.

  ‘He is able to talk today,’ said Bennet. ‘Mrs Clare and his father are with him in the library. The children are to go later.’

  ‘He would have something to listen to, if I were in their place,’ said Halliday.

  ‘Hallid
ay, how your thoughts run on common lines!’ said Ainger, seeming to control himself by an effort.

  ‘We can imagine the scene,’ said Bennet, her tone recognizing the limits of this method.

  ‘I could be the first to do so,’ said Ainger, ‘and in consequence am the last who wishes to. I feel the recoil.’

  The scene was in progress at the moment, and was outwardly as was said. Cassius lay on the couch, and his father and his wife stood by him. It was the first occasion when talk could take its normal course.

  ‘Well, we cannot congratulate you on your recovery, my boy. It is the opposite of what you hoped.’

  ‘I hope you congratulate yourselves on it,’ said Cassius, in a weak voice. Tor myself, I begin to see that life has its claims.’

  ‘Begin to see it! Then you took your time about arranging to get out of it.’

  ‘We have to stay where our lot is cast.’

  ‘That was not your view,’ said his wife.

  ‘Ah, Flavia, I am hardly in the mood for that tone today. Things were somehow too much for me. I must learn to see them differently.’

  ‘They will not be different,’ said Mr Clare. ‘It is a long habit to break.’

  ‘Does an attempt to escape from life give you a hold on it?’ said Flavia. ‘It seems a method that might defeat itself.’

  ‘Ah, Flavia, you are yourself,’ said Cassius. ‘And you do not remember that the same cannot be said of me.’

  ‘What was your reason for doing it, Cassius?’

  ‘I felt that life had little to give me, and that no one wanted what I had to give. It seemed to be time for my place to know me no more.’

  ‘Did you spare a thought to the rest of us?’ said Mr Clare.

  ‘I did, my dear old father. I can tell you my actual thought. It was that you and I would soon be united, and that no one else had need of me.’

  ‘You may have had a grievance,’ said his wife. ‘But not great enough to drive you to your death.’

  ‘You hardly seem serious, Flavia. Is it not a serious thing?’

  ‘I am trying to find out what it is.’

  ‘It is as I have told you. I will not try to estimate it. I may be a person whose hold on life is light.’

  ‘There is something about it I do not understand. I have no choice but to pursue it.’

  ‘No choice but to harass and harry me?’ said Cassius, gently.

  ‘None but to try and discover your reason for what you did.’