The Meltdown of a Banker's Wife

by Gill Davy-Bowker

  ‘Why must you always pick on me!?’ wailed Briony. ‘You’ve always thought you were better than me! No wonder I never tried to compete with you at school. All the teachers used to say, ‘Oh, your sister Melanie did this … Oh, your sister Melanie did that … Oh, your sister Melanie had the sun shining out of her bottom! And now, just because I’m more spiritual than you and living a more pure and simple life in tune with nature and the universe, you’ve got to try and spoil it! You’re just jealous because I don’t have anything to be ashamed of … Unlike you, from what I’ve heard!’

  Mel was not going to cry. No way was she going to cry. She might puke, but she would not cry.

  Zeus cuddled Briony. Briony’s children glared at Mel, Amy and Michael … and Mel’s mum was white with rage.

  ‘It’s always the same isn’t it? You always got the best of everything growing up! You were Daddy’s little blue-eyed girl, weren’t you, Melanie? Well, I know how Briony feels because I was the younger sister too. Your Aunty Vera used to get all the attention from our father. I could never compete!’ moaned Mel’s mum.

  Here we go again! Mel’s mum had always felt snubbed by her own father and so she placed her family’s dynamic template onto her own family and thus repeated the same mistake. Mel had never felt particularly favoured by her father, but that was no matter. Her mother was trying to heal her own inner child and redress the injustices she believed she had suffered. Mel could see what the motivation was – she had studied psychology when she had trained as a nurse – but it hurt, nonetheless.

  Mel stood there for a moment wondering if there was any point in explaining what had happened.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she said, simply. ‘I think everything has got a little out of proportion really. I was just trying to calm the children down because they were scared that they might be reincarnated as disabled slugs!’ At that everyone turned on their heels and walked away apart from her dad and her children. She could never win. Never make her point-of-view heard or understood. The cacophony of resentments from years gone by drowned out any harmony. She knew that, but she couldn’t help hoping that things had changed or that she had misjudged them. She just wished things were different because even now, she might have the luxury of believing that she had had a decent, carefree childhood. As it was, it seemed that all this unnecessary misunderstanding and bitterness would go with them to their grave. If only we humans didn’t get tied up in emotional knots and recognise life for the miracle it is, maybe we might stand a chance of sorting out the world’s ills before it’s too late. Here we are, Mel thought, on a pretty little blue, green and gold planet which cannot help but be fertile. It grows bugs which we don’t want and which cause disease or a nuisance, but even that is a miracle. For all we know, our planet is the only one with life on it. It is probably the only planet we’ll ever know to support life, because unless life on other planets can live an excessively long time and has discovered a mode of transport faster than the speed of light, we’re never going to know of each other’s existence. And if aliens did find us, they would get tangled up in all the bits of metal and stuff floating around the Earth. And perhaps we’re all so busy not living life that we couldn’t see an alien if it jumped up and down in front of us shouting, ‘Take me to your leader!’ or whatever it is an alien might say. And if we did see the unfortunate alien, we would either nail it to a cross or lock it away in a research facility.

  ‘Why can’t we all just be nice to each other?’ Mel said to herself. ‘I’m sure that life is too short and too rare for all this rubbish.’

  ‘I know what you mean, Mummy!’ said Amy earnestly. Mel gave her children a kiss and she felt her father’s hand on her shoulder.

  ‘Sorry, love. I was hoping it might be different this time.’ He shook his head sadly.

  Mel sighed. ‘Never mind. Tell me about Algeria. Let’s all go and sit on the swings and have a nice uncomplicated chinwag.’

  The swings had been built at the bottom of her parents’ back garden, near the little copse of trees, by her dad when she and Briony were toddlers. She couldn’t help the tears dripping onto her cheeks as she sat on one of them and let herself swing to and fro. How had everything turned out like this?

  When Mel was little, she wanted to be a ballerina and Briony wanted to be an air stewardess. Just as well no one knows what is in their future.

  ‘I don’t mean to have arguments with Briony all the time, Dad. Really I don’t.’

  ‘I know, love. I’m sorry I wasn’t around more while you were both growing up. Maybe I could have balanced things a bit. But you know … work and all that.’

  Her father had been like the Scarlet Pimpernel all their lives. Even now Mel didn’t know what he did for a living. But she was sure as eggs that he hadn’t been playing golf or birdwatching in Algeria.

  ‘Can you tell me anything about your trip, Dad?’ she asked.

  ‘If I told you, I’d have to shoot you,’ he smiled. Mel wondered whether that oft-used quip was only a joke.

  Well, thought Mel, we can’t really stay here in this awful atmosphere!

  She so wanted everything to be nice, but circumstances and personalities had intervened.

  ‘Mum, Briony,’ tried Mel, ‘you know I didn’t want an argument this week. I totally respect Briony’s beliefs in reincarnation. It was only that Gabriel had frightened Amy with it that I tried to make light of it. Please can we just sort it out and get on with each other?’

  Obviously not. Most of the rest of the day, the sisters kept away from each other and Briony, rather melodramatically, placed her hands over Jupiter’s ears every time Mel, Amy or Michael were nearby in case they corrupted his spiritual purity.

  Relations started to thaw a little by teatime, but Briony couldn’t help but ask Mel how she had met Sophie and friends in Brighton that day.

  ‘Sophie tells me that you’ve got a girlfriend called Kelly who was a bit of a “goer”!’ sneered Briony. She was obviously relishing the idea that she had found Mel’s Achilles heel. Great, so now her sister was hoping and praying that she was a secret lesbian.

  ‘Well, no. That’s not exactly true. Kelly and I went to Brighton for a day with the kids, but then Kelly went to get ice cream. She came back totally pissed with Sophie and friends. Her friend Tracey had to carry Kelly back to the car,’ explained Mel.

  But it didn’t really suit Briony’s wishes or purposes to believe this, so she just gave Mel a knowing smirk. As long as it deflected attention away from the stupid row of earlier, what did it matter?

  ‘The girls were telling us that your lovely hubby’s bank is the one to watch. Apparently, your mate was telling them that one of Alan’s mates was sacked and had his computer seized. We reckon something is going on which could put Carbuncle Bank’s involvement in apartheid South Africa in the shade. Have you any idea what they’re investing in?’ continued Briony.

  ‘I’ve no idea. I know nothing about money except how to spend it. But Alan’s become very interested in it all recently and he seems to be raking in the bonuses. What’s the harm?’ asked Mel.

  ‘We’ve just had some new people joining our meetings who have just left the City. They’ve been telling us that they think the whole lot will fall apart soon. They say that they’re investing in some pretty scummy things. And a lot of it isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. They also say that if it wasn’t for banks like Alan’s, we wouldn’t have wars in the Middle East!’

  ‘No,’ corrected Mel, ‘that can’t be the case. You know Alan and his colleagues went to university for years. They know everything there is to know about economics. It’s just that your “friends” can’t believe that there are people so clever that they can make money out of nothing. Alan says it’s like a money tree. He said that he hadn’t believed in the money tree since he was a child of about nine, but when Big Swinging Dick arrived from the States, it had reignited his faith that money really did grow on trees. He said that the education system and adult scepticism had
ruined his belief in the money tree and that it was so refreshing and liberating to be like an infant again!’

  Briony’s eyes rolled up to the ceiling and she shook her head in disbelief. ‘I rest my case,’ she said.

  Mel had no idea what she was on about. What a stick-inthe-mud. Oh well, there are stupid people around who can’t think outside the box, I suppose, thought Mel.

  ‘Melanie, I know you don’t want your bubble to burst, but I have good reason to believe something is going on in Alan’s bank. Ponsonby and Tosser isn’t the only one, of course, but something is going on,’ her father added.

  She didn’t like the sound of this. Briony was one thing, but her father? He had been over the moon when Mel had married so well. In his wedding speech, he had said how happy he was to leave Mel safely in the hands of a man who could earn enough to keep one of his daughters in the manner in which he himself thought she should be accustomed. Both Mel’s mum and dad had never shown the slightest aversion to capitalism and being filthy rich! She felt a shiver run up her spine. Maybe there was more truth to this than met the eye. Luckily, Amy burst in just then with a large spider she had caught, followed by Michael, Gabriel and Jupiter.

  ‘Mummy! Look … do you think we could take this one back to be Willy’s girlfriend? Her name is Polly and she’s ever so pretty! They could have lots of lovely baby spiderlings and I could change their nappies and feed them!’ shouted Amy.

  Mel wondered when and where Amy had picked up the basic facts of life but thought it best not to query things further. At least Polly the Spider had brought some harmony into the house.

  43

  Later, the neighbours started to turn up with bottles of wine and beer and lots of puddings. Dad had spent at least an hour that evening trying to get the barbecue to light and Mum had cooked the meat in the oven beforehand, as it said to do in all the health and safety manuals. The trouble was that once they had been roasted within an inch of their lives in the oven and then put on the nuclear reactor Dad was trying to pass off as a barbecue, the chicken pieces, burgers and sausages were about one-tenth of their original size and looked like they’d been right next to Chernobyl when it went up in smoke. Mrs Timpkins broke one of her teeth on a venison sausage. Most people weren’t brave enough to partake of the hard, unidentifiable bits of organic matter that came off Dad’s barbecue.

  Luckily, Dad was quite merry and so was everyone else, so no one was really bothered about culinary prowess. Mrs Timpkins was the only one that seemed to have suffered an injury, but that was only because she was so blotto that she didn’t know what she was eating. Everyone else just tucked into the salad.

  ‘Oh Mel, it’s so lovely to see you again! Edgar is going to get married to a lovely girl called Elouise next month. Oh, he wasn’t long without a girlfriend after you went. I always knew he would do well for himself! How’s Alan? Did you ever get married?’

  Mrs Timpkins was Mel’s ex-boyfriend’s mother. She and Edgar had spent all of two months together when they were in school. It had never been exactly love’s young dream. The one thing that stuck in Mel’s mind about Edgar and his skills as a lover was that he had nearly made her throw up once. They had been staying at a boarding school in a picturesque part of Wales on a class vacation. It had beautiful grounds and by moonlight one evening, Mel and Edgar had happened upon a secret walled garden. By the soft light of the moon, they could see the marble statues, fountains and sundial. It was like a scene straight out of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. And there, Edgar had moved in to kiss Mel. He pulled her to him in his strong arms and their lips had parted. The next thing she knew, she was heaving and only just managed to escape his grasp in time to vomit under one of the beautiful statues. Edgar had attempted a French kiss. He had shoved the entire length of his tongue down her throat until it reached past her tonsils … and the rest was history, including their two-month relationship. Edgar’s mum had been trying to make the best of it ever since although Mel suspected that Edgar hadn’t given her the whole story of what had happened. Edgar’s mum had seemed convinced that he had finished with her and not the other way around. Still, it didn’t matter any more, as long as Edgar was not here … at the barbecue.

  ‘Edgar’s here with his fiancée actually. Lovely girl. So pretty, polite and intelligent,’ gloated Mrs Timpkins. ‘There they are actually! Edgar! Elouise! Look who’s here!’ She frantically waved to get their attention. Reluctantly, Edgar came over, followed by the wonderful Elouise. He had gone completely bald and had about three double chins. His dress sense hadn’t improved either. He seemed to be still wearing the same things he had twenty years ago.

  ‘Hello,’ said Mel. ‘Lovely to see you again! I hear you are getting married! Congratulations!’

  Edgar limply shook Mel’s hand, while Elouise glared at her as if she was the spawn of Satan. She could only imagine how she had been depicted by her fiancé and his mum.

  ‘So, what are you up to these days, Ed?’ asked Mel. The very informality of calling him Ed made Elouise more hostile.

  ‘He prefers to be called Edgar actually,’ she corrected.

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ replied Mel, feeling her cheeks glow red.

  ‘I’m a solicitor now,’ Edgar answered, almost visibly growing with pride. ‘I finished my Articles two years ago and am really enjoying working in family law.’

  That didn’t mean much to Mel but she assumed it had something to do with divorces. ‘Oh well, that’s nice!’ She was at a loss as to what to say.

  ‘Your mother told me you were married years ago,’ commented Edgar. ‘Some chap called Alan … works in banking?’

  ‘Oh yes. That’s right!’ she confirmed.

  Edgar’s face brightened up, as though he expected to hear interesting news, so Mel thought she’d better try and oblige.

  ‘We’ve been married for seven years. Two children. No need for your law services I’m afraid! We’re very happily married … no plans for divorce or anything. Oh and the children are fine too … no problems with social services or the police!’

  Edgar looked rather confused. Mel couldn’t understand why. Didn’t family law mean things to do with marriage and children and doing lawyer-type stuff if things went wrong with either of them? Mel felt like a total imbecile and now Edgar and Elouise were looking at her as if she had escaped from Broadmoor wearing a head protector and limb restraints.

  ‘Ha! Ha!’ laughed Mel, trying to save the day. ‘I’m only joking!’ This tack really wasn’t helping the situation and she thanked God when Amy and Michael started hitting Briony’s children with sticks.

  ‘Sorry! You know how it is when you have children! I’m going to have to break up the fight, I’m afraid. Lovely talking to you though! Oh … are you planning on having any children?’ Well, she had suddenly realised that they might have thought her tactless or bitchy or something by implying that Edgar and Elouise knew how it was to have children, so she thought she’d better clear that up by asking if they were planning to have any. She just hadn’t realised until afterwards that that might hit a raw nerve as well. Edgar’s mother turned the colour of a beetroot and stomped off, shooting Elouise a withering look.

  ‘Right, you two! Please would you put down those sticks before you have someone’s eye out?’

  ‘But Mummy, we’re only playing! We’re pretending to be knights on a quest. Look we’ve even got some boiling oil!’ Amy was beside herself with excitement as she swung the bucket full of very muddy mud around her body.

  ‘We’re going to vanish the foes with it!’ chimed Michael.

  ‘Vanish them?’

  ‘He means vanquish … don’t you, Michael? Vanquish the foe!!’ corrected Amy.

  Michael grabbed a handful of the sloppy goo and hurled it at Jupiter. Jupiter decided to move and the mud landed on top of the barbecue with a sizzle. The next blob was flying out of Amy’s hand before Mel realised what was going on. It was aimed loosely at Gabriel but ended up on Elouise’s head like a brown Mr Whippy ice cre
am. At this Elouise began to cry and a dark atmosphere fell over the proceedings.

  ‘Oh please,’ begged Mel’s mother, ‘come on inside … we’ll have that out in a jiffy!’ She marched towards Elouise with a tissue. She tried dabbing at the swirl of mud with the tissue but it was completely useless. The mud started to ooze down Elouise’s forehead. Edgar put an arm around Elouise to comfort her, but she pulled away and stomped off out of the garden. Edgar ran after her, calling her name plaintively. Then a hush descended on the party. No one really knew what to say and Mel wished the ground would open up and swallow her.

  ‘Well!’ said Mel’s mum. ‘I think I’ve lost yet another friend. That’s just marvellous. How am I supposed to go to bridge club now? My name will be mud as soon as Cynthia tells everyone about this!’

  There were a few people trying to stifle giggles. One chap was almost choking on his burger. His eyes were watering as he tried his best to cover up his mirth.

  Then Marianne, who had been going puce trying to hold the giggle in, was crossing her legs so much was she laughing. In the end everyone was chuckling, including her children who took it as permission to carry on. Mel was absolutely mortified as she watched her children pour their ‘boiling oil’ all over Briony’s children’s heads. But surprisingly, Gabriel and Jupiter fell about laughing. They looked as though they hadn’t had so much fun in years … and on reflection, this was probably not too far from the truth. What was more amazing, Briony and Zeus decided to join in! This was all getting very weird but it was one heck of a relief for Mel. For the first time in ages she felt lighter, as if a great weight had dropped from her shoulders. Yes, it appeared that a few people dressed in their designer clothes weren’t terribly impressed and they seemed to leave pretty quickly, but everyone else (well, the fifteen people left which included Mel, Briony, their parents, Zeus, Jupiter, Amy, Gabriel and Michael) were really starting to enjoy themselves!