‘What are you saying?’
Esme shook her head. ‘I think you already know, and that’s why I won’t be coming home with you tonight.’
* * *
She was sitting at the bar of the hotel. For a while she and Warren had been able to hear the fireworks display, even from this many blocks away, but in the last half hour it had become silent, apart from the low strains of easy-listening music being piped in through the bar’s sound system and the low hum of conversation of a few other guests who, like her, had returned from the show early. Inari was on duty at the bar. Esme hadn’t really talked to her since their chat at the start of the holiday when she’d grilled the barmaid about Niko. Inari brought a fresh coffee over and placed it in front of Esme with a courteous smile.
‘Would you like that charged to your room?’
‘Yes, thank you.’
‘You are checking out tomorrow?’
Esme nodded. ‘I’ll be sorry to leave.’
‘Perhaps you’ll come back?’
‘I hope so. One day.’ Esme gave her a grateful smile; Inari nodded, smiled in return and moved on.
Esme took a sip of her coffee. It was hot and fresh and she needed the caffeine. She wanted a clear head tonight. She wanted to say exactly the right thing in the right way and alcohol was not going to help.
Esme watched Inari walk away with her used cup. She could have gone back to her room with Warren but she wouldn’t have felt comfortable in there with him now that she really thought about it. Besides, down here in the bar she could keep an eye on the hotel foyer. Zach hadn’t replied to her message from earlier and she couldn’t help but think he was ignoring it on purpose.
Her phone lay now on the bar top, next to her coffee. Despite everything that had happened, Warren was still on her mind too. He’d come a long way to be disappointed and she felt guilty about it – some old habits were going to be harder to break than others. Unlocking the phone, she began to type.
I’m sorry.
Her finger hovered over the button that would send it to his phone. But then she deleted it and locked her phone again. A message like that might only complicate again what she’d hoped was now sorted. And what did she really have to be sorry about? She’d made mistakes, she’d handled some things badly – everyone did from time to time. But at least her mistakes had been genuine ones. Warren’s had been deceit, lies and manipulation dressed up as mistakes. He’d wanted it all and he’d been willing to do anything to get it. Everyone but her had been able to see it all along. She pushed her phone away, afraid she’d succumb to temptation if it was close to hand.
Since the day she’d met him, Warren had been subtly and insidiously reshaping her into someone who suited his needs, crushing everything that had made her attractive to him in the first place. She supposed, looking back on it all now, she had been a challenge he couldn’t resist. He’d always been a game player, and she’d been the ultimate contest of wills. He’d almost won too, and she couldn’t help but wonder if Shelly had once been like her. Had Warren reshaped her, discarding her when he’d finally got what he’d wanted to start again on a new project? Was that what he would have done to Esme if she’d let him? One day she might have woken up to find herself replaced in the way she herself had replaced Shelly – but would she have had the good fortune to find out before the bombshell had landed, as Shelly had done?
Just to be certain that she wouldn’t pick up her phone, Esme wrapped her hands around the coffee cup, savouring the warmth beneath her curled fingers. It wasn’t particularly cold in the bar but there was something comforting about cradling a hot cup when snow was driving against the windows.
As she gazed at the window and sipped her drink, Esme gradually became aware of a commotion in the foyer, racing footsteps and raised voices. Placing her coffee back on the bar, she made to get up to investigate, but then Zach burst into the bar. He rushed over.
‘Are you alright?’ His eyes were all over her, as if looking for signs of distress or injury. ‘Where is he? You’re not going home with him? Niko told me… no, don’t answer; there’s something… let me tell you this…’
Esme shook her head. Her heart was pounding again; she felt sick with nerves –excited and hopeful and yet despondent all at the same time. She’d become a stronger person in the last hour, but there was no trial that could make her ready for this. She took a breath, and although her voice was measured and calm, it was nothing like the emotions under the surface. ‘There’s something I need to tell you and I really need to do it first.’
Zach dragged a hand through hair that had been flattened by a woolly hat. He stared at her. ‘Can’t I… please? If I don’t say this now I might never…’ He looked pained, like the words he needed to say were barbed, lodged inside. They were painful to keep in, but even more painful to get out. ‘Are you going home with him?’ he asked. ‘Because you can’t. You might hate me, but I have to say this because I care about you—’
‘Zach—’
‘Please, Esme… just let me finish. He’s not the man for you.’ He took a gulp of air, wringing his hat in his hands. ‘I know he’s not the man for you. I know this because… well, because… I could be. The man, I mean. The right one.’
Esme stared as Zach took the stool next to her, holding her in a pleading gaze.
‘I know I’ve been a top wanker and you must have wondered what the hell I’ve been playing at,’ he said. ‘And I know there are things I should have explained. I couldn’t…’
‘Your wife,’ Esme said.
Zach nodded, relief evident in the way his features relaxed. ‘Niko told you, I guess.’
‘Some. I don’t think he told me everything. We were interrupted. That bit you already know about.’
‘Your boyfriend…’
‘Warren.’
‘He’s here? In the hotel?’ Zach glanced around the bar. ‘In your room? Niko said—’
Esme shook her head. ‘On his way to the airport. It’s over – for good this time.’
‘He’s OK with that?’
‘I wouldn’t go that far. But I told him straight and I don’t think even he would try to argue this time.’ She gave a small smile. ‘He’ll be OK… he can go home to his wife.’
‘His wife?’
‘Long story.’
‘Right. But you’re OK?’
‘Depends on your definition of OK. I’m dealing with it and I’m relieved it’s over, if I’m honest. At least I hope it’s over. I should have done it long ago. I know you were trying to tell me as much that night on the bus. In fact, a lot of times. I was listening, you know. I was just scared.’
‘It was nothing to do with me and I should have kept my mouth shut. It was just…’
‘It’s alright. It’s done now, either way.’
‘So you’re…?’ He made a move towards her but then shrank back. ‘Presumptuous of me… You’re single – it means nothing, of course. It’s just that—’
‘Has he told you yet?’ a new voice rang across the bar. The few customers sitting in quiet corners enjoying a peaceful drink whipped round to see Hortense gripping the doorframe. She was panting, and a second later Brian brought up the rear as she began to march over.
Esme opened her mouth to reply and then closed it again. Her gaze switched from Hortense and Brian and then back to Zach and she wasn’t quite sure what was going on here. She’d thought Zach about to tell her something important, maybe the thing she longed to hear, but now… Then she was drawn to the doorway again as Niko arrived too, following Hortense and Brian in.
‘I hope you’ve sent that animal packing!’ Hortense continued. Despite fighting for breath it seemed she’d rather become hypoxic than let a moment of drama pass by without her input.
‘What? Warren? How did you…?’ Esme saw that Niko looked a bit too sheepish and it didn’t take much to guess the rest.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I was worried about you and I did not know who else to tell. Things s
eemed a little… dangerous.’
‘He’s all bark and no bite,’ Esme said with a wry smile. ‘Warren likes to think he’s dangerous but it’s all a show.’
Niko narrowed his eyes. ‘It did not look that way to me. It didn’t feel that way when he hit me either.’
Esme flushed. ‘Oh God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make light of that, I only meant…’
‘I’m not hurt,’ Niko said. He gave a small smile. ‘Perhaps my pride, a little.’
‘I do feel bad that you got involved, though,’ Esme said. ‘If I’d known things would get that out of hand I would never have—’
‘You could not have prevented that. Men like him know only one language,’ Niko said. ‘It’s not the first time I’ve been hit.’
‘But you’re alright? No permanent damage?’ Esme asked.
Niko shook his head. ‘Don’t worry.’
‘What a monster!’ Hortense put in. ‘And he flew all this way to drag you home?’ she added, folding her arms tight across her bosom as she looked at Esme.
‘I’m afraid so. It sounds a bit silly now, though, saying it like that.’
‘There’s nothing silly about physical violence,’ Hortense said. ‘Is he a terrible brute? Has he done this sort of thing before?’
‘Never to me,’ Esme said quickly. Warren might be many things but at least he’d never hit her. ‘He’s been known to get into the odd fight outside a bar and he’s got a jealous, possessive streak a mile wide. But it’s all for show really – he’s not as tough as he likes to make out.’
‘Hmmm,’ Hortense said, looking at Brian, Niko and Zach in turn.
‘You can all relax now anyway,’ Esme said. ‘Because he’s gone.’
‘And you’re not going back to live with him?’ Hortense asked, though it was evidently a rhetorical question because Esme was certain that if she’d given any other reply than a negative one Hortense would have restrained her and refused to let her leave Rovaniemi. Just to reinforce her intent, she started forward, but she wobbled so violently that Brian had to race to catch her.
‘No,’ Esme said. ‘I’m not. I have a little house in Derbyshire that needs some TLC. It’s missing life within its walls and it’s not used to being cold and empty. I think I’ll go and live there for a bit. I think my grandma would like that. It’s been a weird day,’ she continued, looking at them all. ‘Who am I kidding – it’s been a bloody weird week! Would it be very rude of me to say thank you for coming to my rescue but I might just need my bed right now?’
‘If it had been anyone else I’d have considered it rather ungrateful,’ Hortense said with a smile. ‘I’m glad to see you finally came to your senses, dear girl. I said to Brian there was a man at home, even though you hadn’t told us. I said he was trouble too. Didn’t I say it, Brian?’
Brian nodded. ‘You did.’
Hortense barely gave his answer a moment. ‘I’m seldom wrong about these things.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t say anything before,’ Esme said. ‘I just… I suppose I thought if I didn’t mention him I could pretend all that trouble at home wasn’t going on.’
‘Absolutely,’ Hortense said. ‘A brief escape.’
‘Sort of.’ Esme turned to her coffee and wrapped a hand around the cup. It was almost cold and she wondered vaguely whether there was any point in ordering a new one. It wasn’t like she needed much help to keep her awake tonight, but perhaps more caffeine might not help in that regard.
‘If you’re quite alright then we won’t keep you,’ Hortense said. Esme looked up with a grateful smile. Brian took Hortense’s hand and nodded towards the door. For a moment she looked as if she might say something more to Esme, but then relented and leaned into him.
‘Goodnight then,’ Brian said to Esme. ‘Sleep well.’
‘Thanks,’ Esme said. ‘You too.’
Esme thought about the few hours now remaining between her and a return to her life back in England – which was almost certainly messier than it had ever been for all her efforts to tidy it up. Warren was gone but there was still a lot to sort out. Her flight home was tomorrow, but what was waiting for her at the other end? The fact was, she no longer had anything in particular to rush home for. The idea was oddly appealing though. What if she just rebelled? What if she refused to follow the rules? Where was the rule that said she had to go home anyway? What if she just stayed here in Lapland? She could do it, and the notion was deliciously full of the promise of adventure. Would it be so hard to get work and a place to stay? Perhaps Niko could help. What if she phoned her parents tonight and told them? She was sure they’d take care of her grandma’s house for a while. How long was a while? Three months… six months? There was no denying it would be the adventure of a lifetime. Although, now that she thought about it, she wasn’t entirely sure she hadn’t already had one of those in the week she’d been here – it had certainly been eventful.
‘Goodnight, dear girl,’ Hortense said. She bid the same to Zach and Niko and then leaned on Brian as they made their way to the lifts. As they disappeared into the lift Esme turned to Niko.
‘Thank you for looking out for me. I appreciate it.’
‘I would not have done anything else.’
‘I don’t doubt it for a minute. You’re a lovely person.’
He smiled and nodded, and then he clapped Zach on the back. ‘Take care, man.’
It sounded as if Niko had already decided they wouldn’t be seeing him again. Perhaps he was their Mary Poppins or Nanny McPhee – when they no longer needed him, he simply disappeared over the blue Arctic horizon. Although what he’d fixed for them, Esme still wasn’t entirely sure. She wasn’t sure anything was fixed as far as her and Zach were concerned, because she wasn’t even sure what did or didn’t need fixing.
‘You too,’ Zach said, and then Niko was gone. Not with an umbrella or a walking stick, but with an airy wave that took him out of the bar.
Which just left Esme and Zach. He stood and looked at her, and it seemed he was in no hurry to go anywhere, despite what she’d said about being tired. She could understand why – they needed to talk and she knew that, but the truth was she didn’t feel strong enough right now. The future was all new and untested and she needed to understand how she felt about that before she could make promises of any other kind.
‘We need to talk,’ he said.
‘I know. But everything’s happening at once and I don’t know if the answers I might give you at this moment are the right ones. They’d be instinctive, not measured enough.’
‘What if I promise not to ask questions of you? What if you just let me talk?’
She shook her head. ‘I can’t. I might speak from my heart and not my head and I might give answers whether you’re asking questions or not.’
Zach stepped forward. He placed his hat on the bar and took her hand in both of his. ‘You say that like it’s a bad thing.’
She couldn’t deny the pull of his eyes and the heat of his skin, and she had to tear her gaze away, even though she couldn’t bring herself to relinquish the feel of his hand closed over hers. Her heart was screaming for him, and yet her head was telling her to beware. For once, she was going to listen to her head because her heart had got her into enough trouble. ‘I need time,’ she said. ‘Sorry.’
‘OK.’ He let her hand drop and retook his stool. ‘At least let me explain some things. Then you can sleep on it – tell me in the morning what you think.’
Esme nodded and braced herself for the full story. To see him pained would cause her pain too but he needed to tell it and she needed to know.
‘You know about Libby,’ he said.
‘Your wife?’
‘Yes.’
‘Niko told me she died a couple of years back. He said you hadn’t been married long.’
‘A year. We were in that first blush, trying for a baby, getting the house perfect. She used to say our life was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t – nobody’s is. We had bills and worr
ies like everyone else, but it was OK because we had each other. She was the best, the most amazing woman. Whenever we were together all we did was laugh.’
‘So what happened?’
‘She had this… this heart defect. All along this ticking bomb in her chest. We didn’t know – nobody knew. Why would we? She collapsed one day at work. Died on the floor of her office. They told me it would have been quick – instant. She wouldn’t have known anything about it.’
‘Oh God. I’m—’
‘Sorry, I know. What else can you say?’
‘It’s been hard?’
‘Yeah, but I think… sometimes I think I’m over the worst of it and that makes me feel guilty. I shouldn’t be moving on, because Libby can’t move on, can she? I feel like I owe her grief for the rest of my life.’
‘She doesn’t sound like the sort of person who would have wished that on you.’
‘She wasn’t. I’m being weird about it, but that’s how grief gets you. You think weird things. I mean, isn’t it awful that my first thought when I heard the news had been thank God we hadn’t had that baby we’d wanted?’
Esme put a hand out, but then drew it back. How did you comfort someone for a loss such as that? No gesture felt big enough. She wanted to pull him into her arms and kiss away his sadness, but that was her heart, misbehaving again. Her head told her to sit and listen.
‘It’s the shock that gets you at first,’ he continued. ‘I didn’t even believe it – for days I kept expecting her to walk in, throw her bag down, ask for a foot massage or a cup of tea, tell me something funny that had happened during her day.’ He gave a small smile, his gaze somewhere in a perfect past. ‘She was a real live wire – full of energy and endless enthusiasm – like a big kid. That’s what made it really hard to believe. How could someone with such vitality and spirit have this fatal weakness all along? How could someone so completely alive suddenly be dead? If we’d known perhaps I could have told her to slow down, look after herself. Not that she would have listened. Life was for living, she used to say, and she lived it well, even if it wasn’t for long.’
The Christmas Wish: A heartwarming Christmas romance Page 26
