My Life as the Ugly Stepsister

by Juli Alexander

  I outlined my argument on my laptop. There wasn’t any reason to fool around. I was going to be prepared. Dad would hear me out. He always had been good at listening to both sides before he made a decision. I printed my argument on the cheap color printer I’d dragged from home. I’d used bullets and large print. I was ready for battle.

  Dad rapped on my door about an hour later. He didn’t try the knob but waited for me to open it. I grabbed the paper.

  “Hi, hon,” he said, his large form taking up most of the hall. “You ready for our talk. I thought we’d talk in my office. We’ll have privacy there.”

  Uh oh. I’d seen enough television to know this was a power play. Meeting on his turf. Unfortunately, the whole house was his. At least the office didn’t have any signs of Diane. I’d probably be more comfortable there than anywhere else in this overdecorated house. “Sure,” I said and led the way down the hall. Dad was already six four and really fit. The power play on the meeting place was so not necessary.

  I jogged down the stairs and through the family room to the office in the back corner. The door was always kept closed to protect his electronics. I turned the knob and entered.

  “Have a seat,” Dad said, motioning to one of the black leather chairs. Dad’s office was mostly black and white. He liked things crisp and clean.

  The place even smelled different from the rest of the house. Dad must not allow the perfumed air freshener in here. I sat and he went around the long clear desk to his chair. A counter ran around three walls of the room and held various computers.

  Dad gave me a little smile. “So, how’s it going so far?”

  “Well,” I said, unfolding my notes. “Everything’s fine except for Mojo. I—”

  Dad held up his hands. “Ally, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about that right away. That was wrong of me. But the fact is that Diane is very allergic to dogs. We were able to make satisfactory arrangements with the neighbor. I know that you’re upset, and,” he glanced down at my paper, “you’ve obviously come prepared for this discussion, but I’m afraid there’s no wiggle room on this one.”

  I just stared, open-mouthed. He wasn’t even going to listen to me? When I was five, he’d listened to my argument about why I could probably fly off the back deck with an umbrella. And he wouldn’t take the time to listen to this? Maybe I should have worn a power suit instead of shorts and a faded t-shirt.

  Stand up for yourself, my brain urged. Do it now!

  Before I could determine whether or not my body would have listened, my dad started in on this long story about Diane and her allergies. They’d called the vet, and he thought the situation would be fine for the dog as long as I spent time over there with him. Diane had asthma symptoms and they simply couldn’t take a chance.

  “But Dad—”

  He didn’t let me talk. He started spitting out words like health insurance, deductibles, allergy shots, and co-pays. It all boiled down to the bottom line with Dad.

  Dad leaned back in his chair. “Now that we’ve got that cleared up,” he said.

  As if!

  “We can talk about this situation with your mother.”

  He wanted to talk about Mom? He’d carefully avoided any discussion of my mother since the day he’d asked for a divorce and moved out. “We can?” He’d totally distracted me from Mojo.

  Dad cleared his throat. “I’m thrilled to have you stay with us here for a few months. I’m not so thrilled about the idea of Karen taking you to Seattle.”

  Well that made two of us.

  Giving me his serious look, he said, “Ally, I’m not sure what I’ll do if your mother decides to make this move permanent.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t want to be that far away from you.” He spread his hands on the table. “I know we don’t see all that much of each other, but the time we have together is very important to me. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to miss your high school years.”

  We actually agreed about something. “So you’re hoping Mom will decide to come back?”

  “It’s more than just that, Ally. If I wanted to, I could keep her from taking you out of the state.”

  Well, that was news to me. Could he actually save me from this catastrophic move? “You can?”

  He nodded. “I can, but I haven’t decided if I will. You could always choose to stay here with me.”

  I didn’t really want to head down this road. He knew some of the reasons I’d probably say no to living with him. “Would Mom agree?”

  “I don’t know.” His serious expression indicated he’d put a lot of thought into this. “I do know that it wouldn’t solve your problem entirely. You’d be thousands of miles away from one of your parents either way. And I don’t expect you to make this decision yet. As I said, I haven’t even decided what I am going to do.” Dad shook his head. “I guess I’m just hoping that this doesn’t work out and Karen comes back here.”

  How much did he know about Mom and her plans? “Did Mom tell you that she had him investigated?”

  “Yes. As a matter of fact, I insisted on a copy of the report.” He stood up and went over to one of the tall filing cabinets. He opened a drawer and pulled out a file folder. “He looks like an average guy, and I think your mother has enough sense to keep out of trouble.”

  That surprised me. I didn’t think he’d admit to Mom having a brain. “So you think she’s safe out there?”

  Dad sighed. “I think so. Relationships are hard, though. She may decide to come back to Charlotte.”

  I hadn’t expected my father to have a file on Mom’s boyfriend. And I hadn’t really thought he’d care if I moved across the country. I didn’t see very much of him.

  Dad put the file back in the drawer. “I’m exhausted. How about you put on ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and I grab a beer?”

  “Works for me,” I said, relieved to have the tension level drop. I wasn’t giving up on the Mojo situation, but I knew there would be no point angering him until I had a new strategy. “Let me grab my phone and a coke.”

  “Ask Diane if she wants to join us,” Dad said. “Where’s Caroline off to tonight?”

  I shrugged. “Out with her friends. I think one of them was having a sleepover.” Actually, I think she just wanted out of the house. I didn’t blame her.

  When your mother decides to ruin your life, she goes all out. When Mom called the Monday morning and told me to shower and put on fresh clothes, I should have known I was in trouble. Even though she is a mom, she usually doesn’t remind me to put on clean underwear. I pulled a blue miniskirt and striped top out of the closet and dressed. Maybe she was taking me somewhere really cool.

  “Is this okay to wear? Where are we going?” I demanded after I got into the car. “What’s going on?”

  “It’s nothing terrible. I promise.” The fact that she wasn’t driving and wasn’t looking at me should have told me to run. “I made an appointment for you at the doctor, Ally.” She kept her eyes on the steering wheel as she spoke. “I’ve been meaning to for a while, and now that I’m going away I didn’t want to put it off.”

  “Oh no,” I said shaking my head and reaching for the door handle. “I’m not going to a therapist.” I thought they’d given up on a shrink two years earlier. The doctor had declared me to be functioning and not in need of counseling. Of course, I’d told the guy how everything was fine and I didn’t want to talk about anything.

  “No, Ally.” Mom finally turned my way. “I want you to be comfortable with this process in case you need to go. I think you’ll like Dr. Peeden.”

  Dr. Peeden? Wasn’t that her… My jaw dropped in horror.

  “Yes, Ally. My gynecologist.”

  I crossed my legs. “Mom! No! Why? What did I do?”

  “Nothing. It won’t be bad. You’ll like her, and if you need her over the next few years you’ll be able to call her.”

  “You aren’t going to be gone for years.”

  “No,
but my mother took me when I was twelve. For my cramps. I want you to go before you develop a fear of it. Some of my friends never go, and that’s not healthy.”

  Now the clean panties thing made sense. “But I’m fine. Advil works for my cramps.” Four of them, but still they did work. “I’m not going.”

  “What if you get a yeast infection while I’m gone?”

  Eewww! “I’ll use the cream they show on television. I’ll stop eating sugar. I won’t get a yeast infection.”

  Mom shrugged. “Go with me now or go with Diane next week. It’s your call.”

  “You’re never coming back from Seattle, are you? You just want to do one last thing before you abandon me.”

  Mom rolled her eyes. “I’m not abandoning you. You know better than to think so.”

  I did know, in a way. Mom really liked being a mother.

  A half hour later, I was shivering in a paper gown with an equally useless paper blanket pulled over me. Why were they blasting air conditioning in a place where they made you strip naked? I was starting to regret making my mother stay in the waiting room. The whole thing was gross and embarrassing and the longer I waited the more I agonized. I didn’t even want to look at what was “down there” and no way did I want someone else staring between my legs.

  Mom had tried to break the tension by telling me a story about one of her friends whose doctor thought she was flirting because she accidentally covered her… self… in glitter. Something about her kids and not realizing they had used the washcloth for the mess they’d made. “So don’t you worry,” Mom had said. “These doctors have seen it all.”

  Well, they hadn’t seen me, and I was happy with the status quo. I squeezed my legs together. Very happy.

  Finally, the doctor knocked. She introduced herself and shook my hand. I didn’t want to think about where her hand had been.

  She was younger than my mom, with short blonde hair, a white coat, and a smile that was probably meant to be reassuring. She seemed nice enough. “Are you having any problems at all?”

  “No.”

  She asked when my last period was, and whether I did self-breast exams.

  “Um,” I said. I’m not a very good liar.

  “You should do them every month.”

  “Okay.”

  “First, I’ll check your breasts. I’ll call in my nurse, and then, after that I’ll have you put your feet up in the stirrups for the pap smear.”

  Stirrups?

  The nurse came in, and Dr. Peeden had me lay back and raise one arm above my head. She pulled the paper gown aside and began very scientifically rubbing my breast. Then she did the other one. I pretended it wasn’t happening. Apparently, she didn’t find anything wrong. But I’d seen my breasts. The parts at the other end of the table were the ones I hadn’t examined closely. Who knew what horrible secrets they held?

  The stirrups were even worse than they sounded. I had to scoot my naked butt down to the edge of the table and put my feet in the metal things so that my legs were spread wide. I felt ridiculous, and the warm lamp she had shining on me did not help. The sun was not supposed to shine down there.

  Why stirrups? Was the first gynecologist some kind of sick cowboy? I mean really!

  Obviously they kept you spread open for the doctor to access you, but still…

  “This is the speculum,” the doctor was saying. Apparently she hadn’t seen any shocking deformities with her bright light so far. “I’ll slide this in to keep you open for the pap test. Then, I’ll use a cotton swab to get some cells from your cervix. It won’t hurt,” she assured me.

  I tensed, like any reasonable person.

  “You’ll have to relax,” she prompted. “Just lay back and think about something else. It will make it easier.”

  Somehow, I managed to relax a little. She slid the thingy in and then did the thing with the swab. I was really picking up the technical lingo.

  “You’re doing great,” she said.

  She released the speculum thing and took it to the sink. “Next is the bimanual exam. I’ll place two fingers inside your vagina, and then press with my other hand on you abdomen to feel your uterus and ovaries. It won’t hurt, either.”

  “Great,” I said. Sounds delightful. Mom had done this every year since she was twelve?

  I was starting to feel kind of violated. Even though I knew it was all legitimate. And my mother was right. It was over with faster than a trip to the dentist.

  “We’re all finished here.” Dr. Peeden stripped off her gloves and threw them in the trash. She turned off the light. “Go ahead and get dressed. And I’ll see you in a year.”

  Yeah. Right.

  “Don’t forget to go over those pamphlets on the HPV vaccine with your mother.”

  Mom took me for lunch at my favorite restaurant and then bought me two new CD’s. It didn’t buy her my forgiveness, but I wasn’t going to turn down good stuff either.

  I’d already been through a lot today, so I tried to convince her to wait on introducing Mojo to Jonathan’s dog.

  “I don’t want to put it off, Ally.” Mom said when we pulled up at our house. “We need to know if they hate each other so I can make other arrangements.”

  I wasted no time ejecting my CD and sticking it in the gem case. “Like forcing Diane to let me keep him in the house?”

  Mom grimaced. “No. Like find someone else to watch him.”

  We’d already had two hours of discussion about Diane and Mojo. Mom couldn’t force Dad and Diane to do anything. Of course Mom thought keeping him next door was absolutely reasonable since I’d get to see Mojo as much as I wanted.

  Watching two dogs sniff each other’s butts didn’t sound good to me after being felt up at the gynecologist. Dealing with a cute guy was enough of a challenge when I hadn’t just had a woman’s hands all over me. When you start off your day in a paper gown, you don’t have the strength left for another crisis.

  Mojo greeted me excitedly when I entered the house and I rubbed his head. “Hey, baby,” I said in my puppy dog voice. “You want to go meet a new friend?”

  Mojo seemed to like the idea because he jumped up with his paws on my stomach, but then he had no clue what I was saying. He didn’t usually play with other dogs and when I walked him and he sniffed other dogs in the park, well, he tried to eat them. So no pressure. The chances of him getting along with Jonathan’s dog were…great.

  The way my life was going, I really just wanted to hug my dog, cry, and hide under my bed. I ran to my room, wiggled out of my skirt, and pulled on a pair of shorts. Mojo wagged his tail as he followed me back to the door.

  My dog loves to ride in the car so Mom keeps an old blanket over the back seat. Sometimes Mom takes him along when she’s running errands. The drive-thru at our bank will even give him a dog biscuit. And sometimes, the guy at Wendy’s gives him a free burger. My friend says they chop up the overcooked burgers and put them in the chili, but every now and then one goes to Mojo.

  I hooked his leash to his collar, and he practically bounced off the walls. He jumped right into Mom’s Camry, and I shut the back door. I knew better than to ride over there in the back with him. He liked to run from side to side to see out both windows. I climbed in the front, and we headed over to my dad’s.

  Dad and Diane had bought a house as far away from ours as possible in Charlotte. I wondered if they’d opened a map and done it on purpose. Probably. It would be just like Dad to do something like that. And I wouldn’t put anything past Diane.

  At home, we didn’t have a fence for Mojo. I just walked him every day, and he sometimes stayed on a line outside. I knew it would be good for him to get to run. It was just the being away from him part that worried me. Well, that and the other dog. It didn’t matter which one came out on top. If they fought, it would be bad for me. And Mojo.

  Mojo stuck his black and brown head between the seats to see out the front, and I rubbed behind his ears. Years of experience had taught me that this would keep hi
m from jumping into my lap, or worse, my mother’s.

  I struggled to rid my mind of this morning’s activities as we drove across town. Jonathan wasn’t that hot. I could probably manage. Maybe.

  Mojo sighed as if to disagree.

  Yeah, I didn’t believe me either.

  Chapter Four

  No way will you escape your teens without being humiliated. A lot.

  —Ally’s Brutal Teen Truths

  We pulled up in front of Dad’s house, and I grabbed the leash as Mojo bounded out.

  “We’re only fifteen minutes late. Jonathan and his mother are expecting you. I’ll be back in an hour,” Mom said from behind the steering wheel.

  “What?” I turned back, gripping the leash. “You’re leaving?”

  Mom’s expression turned guilty. “Well, you don’t need me to help with the dogs. And I really don’t want to drink tea with Diane for an hour.”

  Oh. Good point. I nodded. “Come back in an hour.” I wouldn’t want to drink tea with her either. And she hadn’t stolen my husband.

  With the smile of an escapee fresh from Alcatraz, Mom said, “Thanks, hon. And good luck.”

  “I’ll need it,” I grumbled. I led Mojo to Jonathan’s front door, dodging a tiny bicycle on the sidewalk. A lawn mower buzzed down the street, and the scent of freshly cut grass tickled my nose.

  Jonathan answered before I could knock, and I took a step back. “Hey, Ally. So this is Mojo.” His smile was kind of nice. His orange Charlotte Bobcats t-shirt revealed hints of muscles in his arms.

  He leaned down and talked to Mojo before petting him, instantly making friends with my dog. But was he really a dog-lover, or was this just a show?

  I finally managed a “Hi.” Then, I remembered I was on a mission and got my wits together. “I never asked what you were getting for doing this,” I said.

  He gave me a guilty wince. “Braves tickets. Diane’s ex-husband had season tickets and she got them in the divorce. We’re going to Atlanta at the end of September and we’re catching a bunch of games.”