Star (1989)

by Steel, Danielle

  How do you feel about having kids these days? She looked up at him in surprise, and smiled at the question.

  Generally, or my own? Her brother and Sarah had finally announced openly that they didn't want any, and she hadn't been shocked by their decision.

  Ours actually. He didn't smile as he waited for her to answer. That was another thing he was no longer willing to wait for.

  I hadn't given it much thought lately. It wasn't exactly foremost in my mind with you away. She smiled and moved her legs gracefully in the bubble-covered water. Why? Is that something we have to resolve today? She looked annoyed, and it was odd having him stare at her in the bathtub.

  Maybe. I think the fact that we even have to resolve' it says something, don't you?

  No, I don't. It's not something anyone should rush into.

  Like your brother and Sarah? He realized he was looking for a fight with her. He wanted to make a decision, and soon. Having two women on his mind for the past three years had almost driven him crazy.

  They have nothing to do with this, Spencer. I mean us. I'm twenty-four years old, I'm not over the hill yet, thank you very much, and I have an important job in Washington. I'm not going to jeopardize that for a baby. He had his answer. But he was still angry at the way she said it.

  I think your priorities are all wrong.

  You see it differently. For you, it's just something cute to come home to. For me, it's a major sacrifice. That makes a big difference.

  Yes, it does. He stood up, and tightened the towel around his waist, and she smiled, thinking how silly he looked in the pink towel. It shouldn't be a sacrifice, Elizabeth. It should be something we both want.

  Well, we' don't. You do, and maybe one day I will, but not now, this isn't the time. My job is just too important. He was already tired of hearing about it, and she knew how much he hated McCarthy.

  Is the job really that important to you? But he knew it was. It was all she had talked about in Tokyo when he met her on leave there.

  Yes. She looked him in the eye. She wasn't afraid to be honest with him, she never had been. The job is very important to me, Spencer.

  Why?

  Because it makes me feel independent. It was something he didn't want in a wife, and yet ' there was something about her ' it wasn't even that he was used to her yet. They had only been married for two weeks before he left. But there was something challenging about her, it made him want to conquer her, and in his heart of hearts, he knew that Elizabeth would never be conquered. I took a leave of absence to come out here to meet you, but I'm going back to work when we get home, Spencer, I hope you know that.

  I do now, don't I? He lit a cigarette as she watched. The war had been hard on him, and on a lot of others. And he had come through it all right finally after the rough period when he had stopped writing to Crystal. But there were times he would never forget, like the men who had died in his arms, needlessly, all for a fight that wasn't theirs anyway. It had eaten at his heart, and it was hard to come home now and put it behind him. And where is home, by the way? I gather we've given up New York. Where does that leave me? Unemployed, I expect.

  You didn't like your job there anyway. She sounded unimpressed. She was a tough opponent. You told me that in Tokyo.

  Possibly. But it might be nice to earn a living. I'm not quite as independent,' shall we call it, as you are. I need a job, Elizabeth.

  I'm sure my father will be happy to introduce you to anyone you want. And I had some ideas on that subject myself, like something in government. It would suit you to perfection.

  I'm a Democrat. That's not the fashion these days.

  So is my father, so am I. There's room for everyone in Washington. That's what it's all about. This is a democracy, not a dictatorship, for God's sake. It was ridiculous, he had been home for four hours, and they were fighting over politics and her job, when all he wanted was to feel comfortable again and settle down with a woman he loved, and who loved him. But there was nothing comfortable about being there. He had no home, no job, and he felt suddenly lost without the army. And even that confused him, all he had wanted was to come home, and now that he had, he was unhappy.

  He dressed and went downstairs, and two hours later he was stunned. Two hundred people he didn't know had been invited to dinner. It was a surprise party for him, and his father sensed quietly that he wasn't ready for it. From Seoul to San Francisco in one speedy leap was too big an adjustment. Spencer had trouble sleeping that night, and he let himself out of the house and walked for miles, listening to the foghorns and winding up in North Beach. But every time he heard a sound somewhere on the way, he jumped, fearing a sniper.

  He was standing outside Mrs. Castagna's house, looking up at her windows, and his heart was beating wildly. This was the moment he had dreamed of coming home for. The windows were all dark, and he wanted to run in and surprise her. But as he stood there, he wondered again why she hadn't answered his letters.

  He tried the front door with a trembling hand, but it was locked, and he rang the bell. No one answered for a long time, and then a woman came, looking sleepy, and wrapped in a bathrobe.

  Yes? What do you want? She spoke through the door, and he could see her through the glass panes. She was middle-aged and not very attractive.

  I'm here to see Miss Wyatt. He was wearing his uniform and it was obvious that he was a soldier.

  The woman looked pensive for a minute and then shook her head. She thought she knew everyone by then, and then she remembered. She don't live here.

  Yes, she does. He nodded insistently, and then suddenly realized she might have moved. It frightened him to realize that he didn't know where she was now. She lived in the corner room upstairs. He pointed. But that had been three years before. Maybe that was why she hadn't answered his letters.

  She moved away before my mother died. His heart almost stopped. Mrs. Castagna was gone too. Everything had changed. He had waited for this moment for so long and now she was gone, and everything familiar with her.

  Do you know where she moved to? They were still talking through the door, but the woman wouldn't open it. It was too late and she didn't know who he was. For all she knew he was drunk, or a maniac, and she wasn't going to let him in. She was one of Mrs. Castagna's unmarried daughters, and she ran the place now, with austerity and great caution. She had raised the rents, and she was thinking of selling the place. She and her sisters and brothers had decided that they'd rather have the money.

  I don't know where she went, mister. I never even met her.

  Did she leave a forwarding address? The woman shook her head and then waved at him, wanting him to go away so she could go back to her apartment.

  He started down the steps and then looked up at the darkened windows again. She was gone, and he had no idea where to find her.

  He went to Harry's after that, sure that he'd find her there, and they were closing as he got there. The maitre d' had taken his jacket off, there were two men scrubbing floors, and all of the chairs were on the tables.

  Sorry, sir, we're closed. He looked annoyed as Spencer walked in. The doors were supposed to be locked, but someone had obviously forgotten, and left them open.

  I know ' I'm sorry ' is Crystal here? He felt suddenly frightened as he asked. What if she wasn't? What if something had happened to her? In all that time he'd been involved with himself and the miseries of his own existence. He had let her down. And now God only knew what had happened to her.

  But the headwaiter shook his head, anxious for Spencer to leave. She moved to L.A. But we've got a great little gal to replace her. Come back tomorrow night. But the only other gal he wanted was the one he loved, the one whose memory had kept him going in Korea.

  I'm an old friend. I just got back from Seoul ' do you know where she is in L.A.? Maybe she'd gone to Hollywood after all. The thought of it excited him, but he was anxious now to find her. They had a lot to talk about, a lot to say, and he owed her an explanation for his long silence.
But the man only shook his head, looking uninterested and unsympathetic. Returning soldiers from Korea weren't his problem.

  No. Harry would know. He's away on vacation for two weeks. Call when he gets back.

  What about ' He groped for the name and then remembered it with a surge of relief. It had been a miserable evening. Pearl ' is she here?

  She'll be here tomorrow at four. You can call her then. And listen, pal, I've got to close up. Why don't you just call back tomorrow. And then, gratuitously, I hear she's making movies now. Crystal, I mean. It's too bad she's not singing. She was the best. He smiled briefly, trying to be friendly as he walked Spencer firmly toward the door, and he nodded. And a moment later, Spencer was standing outside, with no more idea where Crystal was than he had had when he'd gone there. She was gone. To Hollywood. Just as she'd always dreamed. And he had to face Elizabeth alone, and decide what the hell to do about his marriage. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe it would be better to make the decision once and for all before he saw Crystal, and then he could go to her with a clean slate. The thought of it weighed heavy on him as he walked slowly back to the house on Broadway. And when he went to their room, Elizabeth was sound asleep. She had no idea that he'd been gone. She looked peaceful as she lay there, and he looked down at her in the soft light from the open bathroom doorway. He wondered what she was dreaming about, if anything ' if she even had dreams. She was so matter-of-fact and businesslike. Even his return was treated like a social event, something to be organized and planned. There was no tenderness, no gentle touching or holding hands. He hadn't made love to her since he got back, and the truth was he didn't want to.

  He slipped into bed beside her after he turned off the light again, and lay listening to the rhythm of her breathing. And then he rolled over and looked at her in the dark, gently stroking her hair, and thinking that she deserved more than he had to give her. She opened an eye then, sensing him there, but she was half asleep as she stirred.

  You awake? She lifted her head, trying to see the clock, but she was too sleepy to focus. What time is it? she murmured sleepily.

  It's late ' go back to sleep ' he whispered, and she turned over, with her back to him, nodding.

  Good night, Elizabeth. He wanted to tell her that he loved her, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words, and all he could think as he lay there was that Crystal was in Hollywood, and he still didn't know where to find her. He was going to call Pearl the next day, at the restaurant, and he prayed that she would know. But he had made up his mind not to contact Crystal until his own life was settled. It wouldn't take long, and it was fairer to her. But he ached with the longing to see her. It had been a lonely homecoming for him, a day long awaited that had finally come. But now that he was home again, all he knew was that he felt like a stranger.

  It was dawn before he slept, and when he finally did, he dreamed of guns going off in the distance ' and there was someone talking to him through it all ' someone whispering, saying something he couldn't hear because the guns were too loud ' but as he listened desperately, crying in his sleep ' he was sure that the voice was Crystal's.

  All of his plans had been made for him, he discovered the next day. They were going to Tahoe for three weeks, his parents would be there for the first two, and the Barclays had planned several dinners to entertain them.

  You'd better buy some clothes before you go up to the lake, Elizabeth told him. All he had with him were his uniforms, his fatigues, his combat boots, and his dog tags, hardly suitable for their life-style at Lake Tahoe. She went with him and he felt like a child again as she helped him pick things out and insisted on charging everything to her father. He made a note of the amount, and assured Justice Barclay that the moment he got home and set up his checking account again, he would send him a check. He had let Elizabeth close his bank account in New York when she gave up his apartment and moved to Georgetown.

  Don't worry about it, Son, Harrison Barclay laughed, I know where to find you.

  Everything was so easy and so prearranged. They drove to Lake Tahoe in convoy, Elizabeth in the station wagon with Spencer, and the two older couples in the limousine. They stopped in Sacramento for lunch and then drove up to the lake, where everything was organized to perfection. There were luncheon parties for him almost every day, a dinner party for fifty, they went swimming in the afternoon, and it was ten days before he had a chance to go fishing with his father. He sat in the speedboat staring at the water and William Hill looked at him sadly.

  You're having a hard time readjusting, aren't you, Son?

  Spencer sighed. It was a relief to be alone. There was constant tension with Elizabeth, and in spite of their enormous kindness to him, he was sick to death of the Barclays. Yes, I am. He looked honestly at his father and nodded. I didn't think it would be like this when I came back.

  What did you think would be different? He was a wise man with a kind heart and he wanted to help him. He hated seeing him so unhappy.

  I don't know, Dad ' I have no place to call my own. I've been in somebody else's country for three years, and now I'm in somebody else's house, with somebody else's friends, doing what somebody else wants ' I'm too old for that. I want to go home, and I don't even have one.

  Sure you do. You have a beautiful home, your mother and I visited it last Christmas.

  Good for you. I live in a house I've never seen, with furniture I didn't buy, in a town I hardly know. He painted such a bleak picture and he was so sorry for himself that his father had to laugh with gentle humor.

  It's not as rough as you think. Give yourself a chance. You haven't even been home two weeks yet.

  Spencer ran a hand through his hair, and his father smiled at the familiar gesture. It was so good to have him back, healthy and alive, he wasn't worried about his son's reactions, and in his opinion, they were normal. He and Alicia had spoken about it the night before, and she had suggested he try to have a talk with Spencer.

  I don't know, Dad. He thought about telling him about the affair with Crystal before he left, but he didn't really want to. She was his, and what he felt for her was intensely private. At least he knew where she was now. Pearl had given him her phone number in L.A., and he clung to the slip of paper as if it were a lifeline. A dozen times in the last two weeks he had picked up the phone, but he had forced himself not to call her. It was too soon. He hadn't settled anything yet, and he knew he had to. But Elizabeth was acting as though everything was fine and that made it even harder.

  And as though sensing that there was more, William Hill decided to ask his son a delicate question. You're still in love with Elizabeth, aren't you? It was such a good match, he would have hated to see it fall apart at their feet, only because Spencer was nervous and impatient. But for a long time his son didn't answer.

  I'm not sure of anything anymore. I'm not even sure I know her.

  You've been gone a long time, Son. At your age, even at mine, three years seems like forever.

  I want kids. She doesn't. That's pretty basic, Dad.

  She's still very young. Give her a chance too. Go home, settle down, get used to each other again, then try to work things out. She'll come around. She's had to be on her own for the last three years, it's a big change for her having you around again too.

  But Spencer looked disgusted. She's never on her own. She's always got her father. He'd pay for my under-wear if I let him. He was referring to their recent purchases in town and his father laughed.

  There are bigger problems than that in life. They're good people, Spencer, and they want you both to be happy.

  I know ' I'm sorry ' I must sound ungrateful. I'm just so damn confused. He stared out at the lake again and then back at his father. He spoke in a softer voice this time, and there was something distant and sad in his eyes that had troubled his father ever since he got home. There was someone else before I left, Dad ' someone I'd known for a long time. He didn't tell him she'd been fourteen when he first met her.

  William Hil
l looked unhappy as he looked at his son. Was it serious?

  Yes. Spencer didn't hesitate as he said it. Very. They're very different ' as different as two women could be '

  Have you seen her since you got back?

  Spencer shook his head, but he was planning to. It was all he lived for.

  Don't. You'll only complicate things for yourself. You're married to a lovely girl, make a go of it. Stick by what you started.

  Is that what life's all about? The gray in his hair glinted in the sun, and William Hill was surprised again when he saw it.

  Sometimes, Sometimes marriage is just sticking things out, whether you want to or not.

  It doesn't sound like much fun.

  Sometimes it isn't. He reached out and touched his hand. Take some advice from an old man, Spencer, don't turn your life upside down. It would be a terrible mistake. Stick with Elizabeth. She's a fine girl, and you married her. You owe her something after she's waited for you all this time. He knew he did too. It was why he had come back to her at all, after three years of dreaming of Crystal.

  His father got a fish on the line then and they were distracted for a while, and afterward his father looked at him seriously again, touched that Spencer had confided in him. He only hoped that he had swayed him in the right direction.

  Give it a lot of thought, and be patient for a while. Everything will work out. You'd never forgive yourself if you let her down now. Think of that too. You don't owe the other girl anything. You married Elizabeth. And now you have to stand by that. It all made sense, but it depressed him immeasurably as he started the motor and they went back to the dock as he nodded.

  Thank you, Father. He looked at him for a long moment before they went back to the house, and for the first time he had felt that his father loved him for who he was, and not just as a stand-in for Robert.

  Catch anything? Elizabeth was in high spirits when they returned. She loved the lake and seeing all her old friends again, and the fuss being made over Spencer.