Star (1989)

by Steel, Danielle

  Imagine that, Spencer's father joked, two lawyers under one roof. You can start your own law firm. If so, Spencer thought to himself, it would be the only thing they had in common. But Elizabeth gave nothing away, she was as charming and poised as she had ever been, and everyone who met Spencer's wife loved her. There was a bright future ahead of them, and Justice Barclay had suggested that after a reasonable term with the young senator, Spencer look to his own career and run for office. Like Elizabeth, he thought Spencer should run for Congress. But it was too soon for that. Spencer was wrapped up in his job, and he buried himself in his work in order to flee the loneliness of his marriage. At thirty-six, he had gone far. But in the process he had lost what he wanted most ' not his wife ' but the girl he had met on the ranch nine years before. He had lost Crystal.

  Crystal gave her own Thanksgiving dinner too. She stuffed a turkey, and made homemade cranberries and yams, and tiny ears of corn in the freshly painted kitchen. Hiroko and Boyd came to dinner with Jane, and Boyd smiled at how enormous she was as she sat down with them and Jane said grace. The baby was due any minute. And Boyd knew without asking her again that Spencer knew nothing about his baby. It broke his heart to see the loneliness on her face, but she had been adamant from the first and she stuck by her decision, no matter what it cost her. Boyd thought she still heard from him from time to time. She told them about his rising star in Washington, as the senator's aide, but most of the time she was very quiet.

  The ranch house seemed very different now, everything was clean and new and freshly painted. He hardly recognized it as they sat down to dinner at the big oak table in the cozy yellow kitchen. He couldn't even imagine her mother there anymore, and mercifully neither could Crystal. She still thought of her father as she went for long walks. She couldn't ride anymore until after the baby, but she seemed to have enough to do, and she had turned Jared's room into a nursery. It was painted pale blue, with white eyelet curtains.

  What if it's a girl? Boyd teased that night before they left.

  She smiled peacefully at him. It won't be.

  And the next morning when Hiroko came by to check on her, she found her sitting quietly in her room with a look of intense concentration. It stirred a chord of memory, and as she watched, she saw Crystal's face crease with pain.

  The baby is coming, no?

  Yes. Crystal smiled through her pain, and a moment later she was gripping the arms of her chair. She was unable to speak, and Hiroko ran to get Boyd and told him to call the doctor. They had urged her to go to the hospital months before, but Crystal had said she wanted to have the baby at home. People still knew her face, the movies she had made were still being shown, and more than once people had noticed her in town and stared, wondering if she was the same woman. She wanted no one to know about the baby, no newspapers, no press. The word could not get out. If it did, there would be fresh scandal, and Spencer would know too. She wanted to avoid that at any price. But the price, Boyd and Hiroko knew only too well, could be the baby. They had lost their second child that way, and they would have lost Jane if Crystal hadn't been there. But Dr. Goode said she was healthy and young. There was no reason for a twenty-four-year-old girl not to give birth at home if that was what she wanted.

  Boyd called Dr. Goode, and an hour later he came, and by then Crystal could hardly catch her breath between the pains. Her face was drenched with sweat and Hiroko was sitting beside her, holding her hands as Crystal had once done for her. Boyd took Jane outside and let her play in the garden, as Dr. Goode and Hiroko worked, and Crystal labored.

  Hiroko came out for a few minutes in the late afternoon, she looked worried and strained, and she told her husband to go home with their daughter. Dr. Goode had said it might still be hours.

  Nothing yet? He was worried about their friend. She'd been in labor for a long time and it was hard to imagine that the baby wasn't there yet.

  The doctor say the baby very big. Boyd searched her eyes, remembering their own experience with Jane, but his wife smiled before going back inside again. Maybe soon. They were the same words she told Crystal a few minutes later as she fought to push the baby out, with Dr. Goode's experienced old hands to help her. He was the same doctor who had refused to come to Hiroko seven and a half years before, or to care for her during her pregnancy because he had lost his own son to the Japanese. But he watched her now, and was touched by her gentleness and compassion and wisdom. She seemed to be lit from within by something deeply warm and kind and religious, and for the briefest of moments he wanted to tell her he was sorry. He knew their second child had died, and wondered if he could have helped them. Hiroko said nothing to him as he watched her, she only encouraged Crystal quietly, letting her squeeze her hands, and crying as the pains came now, longer and harder, but still there was no baby.

  We may have to take her in. He was beginning to consider a cesarean, but Crystal roused herself from her ravaged state and looked at him with such violence he was startled.

  No! I'm staying here! A year before she had been accused of murder. And all she needed now to complete the picture to end Spencer's career was an illegitimate baby. If anyone even thought it was his, it would be all over the papers by morning. No! I'll do it myself ' oh God ' Another pain tore through her before she could speak again, and knowing what the doctor wanted to do, she pushed harder. It moved down farther that time, and then she pushed again, and the doctor nodded.

  If you can do a few more of those for me, we might just have a baby here before much longer. She smiled weakly at Hiroko between the pains, and without explaining where he had gone, the doctor went to call his nurse. He warned her that they might need an ambulance at the Wyatt ranch. There was a chance that they might have to take Crystal into the hospital at Napa. He wasn't going to risk her life if it went on for much longer. The nurse promised to stand by, and let the ambulance driver know just in case. And when he went back to her, he saw that she had made a little progress. Again! ' that's it ' push harder now! ' harder! She couldn't push any harder, her eyes were almost popping out and her face was red and she strained so hard she almost felt her body explode as there was an enormous pressure, like an express train, tearing through her. She couldn't stop it now, she had to push all the time, as Hiroko watched with eyes filled with wonder. A small red face popped out from between Crystal's legs, with a head full of silky black hair, and he gave an angry cry as Dr. Goode gently turned his shoulders and delivered the rest of him and laid him on his mother's stomach. She was so tired she could barely speak, but she smiled down at him through her tears and then she laughed as she looked at him.

  He's so beautiful ' oh, he's so beautiful ' And even Hiroko saw that he was the image of Spencer. Crystal smiled at the doctor victoriously after he had cut the cord and Hiroko had cleaned her up and wrapped the baby in a clean white blanket. I told you I could do it myself.

  He smiled in answer. You had me worried for a while. That little man of yours must weigh a good ten pounds. They weighed him on the kitchen scale, and he was right. Spencer's son weighed ten pounds and seven ounces. The doctor handed him back to his mother and she smiled at him again. He was a gift straight from the hand of God, and that was exactly what she called him. Zebediah. Gift of God. It was a strong name for a strong child, born of the love she had carried for so long for his father.

  The doctor stayed for a little while as she and the baby slept peacefully. It had been a day of hard work for all of them, and most of all for Crystal. He left the room quietly, and found Hiroko sitting alone in the living room. She offered him a cup of steaming tea, and hesitating for a moment, he took it. It was difficult for him to speak to her even now, but she had earned his respect that day, and in an odd way he was sorry it hadn't come sooner.

  You were a great help to me, Mrs. Webster, he said carefully, and she smiled. She was wise beyond her years. Life hadn't been easy for her, but it had brought her rich blessings, thanks to her husband and Crystal.

  Thank you. She smiled shyly a
t him, and when he left he solemnly shook her hand. It wasn't an apology, it was too late for that. But it was a first step toward acceptance.

  He told his nurse about it the next morning when he went back to his office. It had taken them ten years, but they had finally forgiven her for being Japanese, and come to understand that Hiroko Webster was a good woman. She noticed people looking at her differently after that, and one day when she went to the store with Jane, the woman at the cash register smiled and said hello, after ten years of serving her in silence.

  Crystal's baby grew healthy and strong. She was back on her feet remarkably quickly, and when he was a month old, they christened him in the church where her sister had gotten married. He was Zebediah Tad Wyatt, and his godparents were Boyd and Hiroko Webster, and after the service Crystal let little Jane hold him. She struggled with the weight of the sleeping child, and they all laughed, and then she looked up at them with a worried frown, speaking to Crystal and asking a question that brought tears to her eyes.

  Who's going to be his daddy?

  Crystal fought back the tears as she looked down at her, holding the baby that was Spencer's. I guess he just has me. Maybe that means we'll all have to love him a little more. And she wondered if one day Zeb would ask her the same question.

  Can I be his aunt?

  Sure you can. The tears slid down Crystal's cheeks as she kissed them both. Aunt Jane. He's going to love you so much when he's a little bigger. The child looked pleased as she handed Zebediah Wyatt back to his mother.

  Four days after Thanksgiving, on November 26, 1956, Zebediah celebrated his first birthday. Ingrid Bergman had made Anastasia that year after recovering from just the kind of scandal Crystal was so grateful she had avoided. She was certainly not as well known as the Swedish actress was, but after the murder trial the year before, she would have been the source of fresh scandal, and she was desperately glad she wasn't.

  Crystal made Zeb's cake herself, and he chortled happily as he plunged both hands into it, and Jane helped clean him up. She was eight and she adored the child. He was her very favorite playmate.

  Hiroko was slowly being accepted now, in tacit ways, by people who had shunned her for a decade. But Jane was still paying the price for her parents' courage, and most of the children she went to school with teased her and called her a half-breed. It made her shy and afraid of them, and wise beyond her years. And with Hiroko's gentle teaching, she was acquiring the gifts of forgiveness and patience. She carried Zeb every where' she went on the ranch, and she was an enormous help to Crystal, who was busy overseeing everything, and sometimes she even worked in the fields herself. The ranch was doing well and she had sold off a small piece of land to pay for more improvements. But she also knew by then that it was never going to eke out more than a pittance for her. The best she could do was make the ranch support itself, and pay for minimal necessities for herself and Zeb. It was never going to make them rich, or give them even small luxuries, and for months now she'd been worried.

  She saw the Websters struggling day by day and she gave them free rent, but like the ranch, the gas station barely broke even. And now she had Zeb to think about. She knew that soon she would have to get a job and put some money away for his future. She knew she wouldn't sell the ranch. She still remembered her father's words, telling her not to sell the ranch, and she wouldn't have no matter what. It was her home, and Zeb's, and now the Websters'.

  She didn't say anything about her concerns when Spencer called. He still did from time to time, but fearing he'd hear the baby in the background, she was short with him. And he called less and less often. It only tortured him to hear her voice, and she had told him in no uncertain terms that she didn't want to see him. She was terrified he'd see Zeb, if he came back, and it was a secret she guarded with her life now. She knew that Spencer was doing well, and she read about him once in Time, and on occasion even in the local papers.

  And by the spring of 1957, the country was enjoying economic prosperity, which seemed to have little to do with the realities of Crystal's life and Crystal knew that she had to do something soon. It had been a hard winter for them, and there was no hiding from it anymore. She had to get a job to earn more money.

  Zeb was eighteen months old and running everywhere after Jane. He could hardly wait for her to come home from school every day. And on a May afternoon, she and Hiroko were following them down the dirt road that ran through the vineyards. She had made the decision the night before, after months of thinking about it. It was the only thing she knew, and after two years the scandal had died down. She knew she had to go back to Hollywood and try it. Hiroko looked at her with unhappy eyes when she told her. She had always wondered if Crystal would go back. And in an odd way it didn't surprise her. But they would be heartbroken to see her go, she might even sell the ranch out from under them. But Crystal was quick to reassure them, and what she said next overwhelmed Hiroko.

  I want to leave Zeb here with you. She was watching him follow Jane, as the older child giggled, and Zeb laughed the belly laugh that touched his mother's heart. Every moment, every day, he was a constant reminder of his father.

  You will go to Los Angeles without him? Hiroko couldn't believe it.

  I have to. Look what happened to Ingrid Bergman. It could be years before they let me back on a picture. They might not anyway. But it's worth a try. It's the only thing I know how to do. And she knew she'd been good at it. She had seen one of her films the year before, and had been intrigued to see herself on the screen. And now at twenty-five, there was a maturity to her looks that seemed to have enhanced her beauty although she didn't know it. She'd be twenty-six that year, and she had a child to think about. But the time to go was now, before she got any older and they forgot her completely. She had lost touch with everyone there, purposely, and now she'd have to start again. But this time she would do it with the hard work, and no easy introductions through a man like Ernie. She would never take favors from anyone again. She had learned that lesson. That night Hiroko told her husband and he was as startled as she had been to hear that Crystal was leaving.

  She's leaving Zeb with us? Hiroko nodded and Boyd was touched. It was the ultimate sign of how much she trusted them. They knew how desperately Crystal loved her son, and in June, Crystal cried constantly for a week before she left him. It was like tearing her heart from her soul, but she knew she had to do it, for his sake. It was better now than ten years later, and by then it would be too late for her. By Hollywood standards, she wasn't getting any younger.

  What if he forgets me? she cried softly to her friend, as Hiroko watched her agonize about leaving him. She wondered if she would be able to do it.

  But on a clear day in June, she kissed him for a last time, and stood for a long time on the porch in the morning sun, looking out over her land, feeling the same tug at her heart she always felt when she looked at the earth left to her by her father. She held Zebediah close to her, and smelled the sweetness of his flesh, and then with a strangled sob, she handed him to Hiroko.

  Take good care of him' . He cried and stretched out his arms. He had never been away from her for a single hour since his birth. And now she was leaving him. She had promised to come back as soon as she could, but her finances wouldn't allow her to come back often.

  Boyd drove her into town, and watched her get on the bus. She wheeled and hugged him again, her eyes filled with tears as he held her. Take care of my baby. '

  He'll be all right. Just take care of yourself. He couldn't help but think of the disasters that had befallen her before, but this time she was older and smarter.

  She stopped in San Francisco for a day to buy clothes, and she was careful with her purchases. She had to be cautious with the little money she had, and this time she knew exactly what she needed. She bought dresses that showed off her figure without being vulgar, and realized how thin she had gotten working on the ranch. In jeans, she never thought of it, but now she could see how much weight she'd lost, but it
only made her legs look longer, her waist smaller, and her bust fuller. She bought hats that accented her face, and high-heeled shoes she could hardly walk in. And she stopped to see Harry and Pearl, and she had dinner with them. She sang for them at the restaurant one night, just to see how it would feel, for old times' sake, and she was surprised she could still do it. But being there again reminded her of the night Spencer had found her there after his engagement. Everything everywhere always reminded her of him. She only hoped that L.A. wouldn't remind her of Ernie.

  She arrived in Hollywood the next day, and felt like a forgotten face. No one seemed to notice her as she checked into a cheap hotel. She was just another pretty girl coming to Tinsel Town to be discovered.

  She waited one day, to get her bearings, and she called home twice. Zeb was fine, he was eating well, and he had gone back to the big house looking for her, but Jane had followed him and brought him back, and Hiroko insisted that he seemed happy. And on the following morning, with trembling hands, she dialed one of the agents she had met years before. It had been five years since she'd first come to L.A. with Pearl, but this time she knew what she was doing. He gave her an appointment and she went to see him that afternoon, but he was blunt with her.

  I couldn't give you away, if you want to know the truth.

  Why? Her eyes were wide and sad, but she was still breathtaking as he looked at her. It was a damn shame, but it was the truth. He couldn't use her.

  You killed a guy. This is a funny town. Everyone would do anything they could to anyone, and they've got the ethics of a dog in heat. But when it comes to the morals clause in their contracts, the studios want virgins. They want everyone to stay clean, act nice. You can't be queer, or crazy, or act horny. You get knocked up, you shack up with someone's wife, you kill someone God forbid, and it's all over. Take my advice, sweetheart, go back to where you been for the last two years and forget it.

  It was as simple as he said, and she thought of taking his advice. But she had enough money to stay for at least two months, and she wasn't ready to give up yet. She saw three more agents the next week, and they told her the same thing, although in slightly subtler terms. But the message was the same. Her Hollywood career was over. They admitted that her last two movies had been good, and her voice was great, and all of the directors she'd worked with had liked her, but in spite of all of that, the studios wouldn't touch her.