For Finlay

by J. Nathan

  Once silence descended, Caden looked to me. “I know better but next time just text him? Seriously?”

  I shrugged, knowing better than to elaborate. “Must be the girl thing.”

  “What girl thing?”

  “You know, the way guys get all uncomfortable when girls mention their periods. Insomnia must have the same effect on him.”

  Caden shook his head. “I have no problem with it.”

  “Bullshit.”

  He stepped off his treadmill. “I swear. I’ve bought tampons before.”

  “I don’t believe you,” I said.

  “You know there’s no way I can prove it.”

  I hitched my thumb toward the doorway. “There’s a gift shop right off the lobby.”

  He laughed, and when he laughed like that I almost forgot I hated him.

  * * *

  I could barely see out of my bloodshot eyes. A revolving door of unfamiliar faces passed by me, shaking my hand and uttering their apologies. Each offering heartfelt words that were supposed to console me, but all they really did was just jumble together into a cacophony of noise in my silent head. I was dazed, but doing better than my mother who couldn’t even stand without her knees buckling. My father did most of the talking. I just nodded and said my thanks. Really, what more was there for me to say? My brother was gone and my life as I knew it was over.

  “Finlay. Can I get you anything?”

  My eye lifted to Hazel, our old neighbor, who had stepped into the line to check on me, her face filled with sadness.

  I shook my head.

  Her eyes swept over the room. “Look at all the people who came out to pay their respects.”

  My eyes shifted, moving around the crowded room. Every seat was filled with family members, neighbors, and classmates. A line of people wrapped around the room, currently biding their time before they moved to the front of the line. It was sad really. They waited to get to the front to kneel at a casket that held my dead brother before facing my mom, dad, and me. To say what? Cole was a great guy? He didn’t deserve to die so young?

  I just wanted the day to be over. No, I needed it to be over. I needed it to have all just been a bad dream. I wanted to mourn alone. I wanted to have time to myself to dwell on my regret. My guilt. My selfishness. But everyone was making it so damn difficult.

  “Did you see his football team came? There’s a big bus outside,” Hazel continued.

  My eyes strayed to the large bodies in line, waiting patiently for Hazel to move away so they could pay their respects. Had they even really gotten to know Cole? I knew he was their starting quarterback, the first freshman to get the role in years, but the season hadn’t even begun. Had he made new friends I didn’t know about? Had he hung out with these guys? Had he told them about his bitch of a sister?

  Each player moved by me, shaking my hand. Most didn’t even make eye contact. Did I look that bad? The tight bun meant to hide my failed attempt at going blond did little to disguise my swollen eyes and blotchy cheeks stained with tears. But for his teammates to look away all together, it must have been a combination of my devastation and their own discomfort.

  “Sorry,” a massive guy said as he moved by me, eyes on his shoes.

  “Cole was a great guy,” another uttered softly looking at the guy’s back in front of him.

  “I’m sorry,” another said until his words just blended in with all the others who followed.

  By the time they’d all passed, Coach Burns approached me. He’d visited our house several times last year to entice Cole to Alabama, promising future glories with him at the helm. He’d also been the one to rush to our home after the police officers delivered the news. In line, he wrapped his arms around me and whispered. “I’m so sorry this happened, Finlay. I’m so sorry it happened on my watch.”

  Hearing his guilt brought on a whole new bout of tears.

  He pulled back with regret etched deeply in every wrinkle around his eyes.

  “Thanks, Coach.”

  He moved on to my mother, bending down to her seated in the chair beside me. He wrapped her in the same tight hug and she clutched on to him as if he were her last direct line to Cole. I couldn’t hear what he uttered to her as my hand was already shaking the next person’s, but it caused my mother to weep. I looked away, knowing her tears brought on my tears. I needed to stay strong. I needed to be strong.

  My eyes latched onto movement outside the window. The football players made their way solemnly back to the bus in a single file. They’d only known Cole for such a short time. They couldn’t possibly understand the devastation I felt. They couldn’t possibly know what an amazing guy and athlete they’d lost.

  Lost. As if he just wandered off somewhere. Somewhere I’d be able to find him. Just like when we were kids playing hide-and-seek.

  Before I could tear my eyes away, one of the guys patted another on the shoulder. The player who received the pat turned around with a giant smile on his face. But he wasn’t just smiling, he was laughing as he lifted his fist and bumped knuckles with his teammate. Why was he laughing and celebrating as he left a funeral home? A funeral home where his dead teammate remained. Wasn’t he sad? Wasn’t he just as angry that this happened as I was?

  His insensitivity felt like a dagger to my chest. How could he actually be happy at a moment like this? How could he feel joy when my whole world had just been ripped away from me?

  That night I couldn’t shake his callousness. Couldn’t shake my anger. Couldn’t shake my disgust. I pulled up the Alabama team roster on my phone, looking for the guy behind the laughter. Behind the fist-bump.

  Caden Brooks.

  Second string quarterback.

  My heart sank and my stomach roiled. No wonder he was so happy. He’d be getting Cole’s position. He’d be getting to live Cole’s dream. And he was happy about it. Happy my brother was gone.

  That was the moment. The moment I swore to hate Caden Brooks with everything I had.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Finlay

  I stared at my dorm room ceiling as I lay on my bed. I should’ve been studying. I should’ve been writing an essay. I should’ve been calling to check on my parents. But all I could do was stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars above my bed. Some days were definitely easier than others. And today, one of very few days I had off, I didn’t know how to handle not having to rush from class to class then the field for practice. My life was a non-stop loop, one that left little time to dwell on anything but school and football.

  “Guess what?”

  My eyes shifted to Sabrina walking through the door. “I’m getting my big sister next week.”

  “Big sister? I thought you’re an only child?”

  She laughed as she closed the door and dropped down beside me on my bed. “No. In the sorority. You get a big sister. You know, to help you through pledging.”

  “O-kay.”

  She laughed. “It’s just a fun thing they do.”

  “Got it.” Sounded lame to me. But since she was loving the whole pledging thing, who was I to criticize it?

  “I’ve been trying to figure out who might pick me. You know, who’s been paying extra attention to me. But I just can’t figure it out.”

  “Well, look at it this way. It’ll be a big surprise.”

  “Big. Look at you. Nice one.”

  I laughed. I wasn’t used to joking around with other girls. Even growing up, I got along better with boys. They weren’t into drama and they enjoyed sports like me. But maybe things were changing now that I’d left home. Maybe I was actually starting to let people in again.

  “What do you say we do nothing for the rest of the day but pig out on junk food while binge watching some old show neither of us has seen on Netflix?”

  I could see how hard she was trying to include me and get close to me. I appreciated it. It had been a long time since someone cared about what I was doing. Sure, my parents cared. But they had their own grief to contend with. I guess it was a
bout time for me to start living again. “I’d like that.”

  “See. I told you pledging wouldn’t take me away from my favorite roommate.”

  “I’m your only roommate.”

  “And a great one at that,” she said with a smile.

  “You have to say that.”

  “Oh, honey. This southern girl says nothing she doesn’t mean.”

  * * *

  I was already well into my book as the team began boarding the bus for our trip to Louisiana that Friday. Yvette analyzed whatever it was she analyzed for Coach Burns in the window seat beside me. I glanced up just as Caden made his way down the aisle. He stopped beside me and dropped a plastic bag into my lap. “Here,” he said with a smirk, before moving down the aisle.

  Not wanting to appear too eager, I sat for long time staring at the bag in my lap. When I couldn’t take the suspense any longer, I opened the bag. That son-of-a-bitch. He bought me a box of tampons.

  “Well, that was weird,” Yvette said, subtly peeking inside the bag.

  I laughed, both surprised by her reaction and amused by Caden’s nerve—and the fact that he waited almost a week to pull it off. “It was kind of a bet.”

  She nodded before returning to her charts.

  I glanced over my shoulder, instantly locking eyes with Caden. He lifted an eyebrow, a victory dance no doubt. I shook my head before turning back to the front and tucking the bag into my backpack with thoughts of payback on my mind.

  * * *

  No matter what Caden did, Louisiana’s defense put pressure on him to get rid of the ball. His offensive line looked terrible which made him look terrible and caused the team to record their first loss.

  When I rolled my cart into the locker room after the game, I knew not to make eye contact with anyone. They were pissed and so was Coach.

  “What the fuck Grady?” Caden yelled as he stormed into the locker room, slamming his helmet down on the ground.

  “You’re gonna wanna keep yourself away from me,” Grady warned as Caden cornered him, backing him into a wall. Grady easily had a hundred pounds on him. And in a fight, Grady would win. But to see Caden so fired up and ready to throw down, he’d clearly had enough.

  “You threw me to the fucking wolves out there,” Caden said, not backing down.

  Grady cocked his head, like Caden’s claim held no weight.

  That was it. Caden lunged forward and shoved him, causing Grady to stumble back into the wall. “You’re supposed to be the best. Isn’t that what you tell everyone?”

  Grady’s eyes dropped to where Caden shoved his chest. His head shot up. The anger he should’ve shown on the field reared its ugly head. He lunged faster than I’d ever seen him move and he hauled off on Caden’s face. But Caden didn’t back down. Even with blood dripping from his nose, he went after Grady, wailing on his face.

  It was a train wreck I just couldn’t pull my eyes away from.

  Players jumped in, grabbing them and pulling them off each other. Neither Grady nor Caden stopped throwing punches even as they were yanked apart. “You son of a bitch!” Grady yelled.

  “You don’t deserve your position,” Caden yelled back. “A cheerleader could do better!”

  “I fucking hate you,” Grady growled, breathless and out for Caden’s blood.

  “Feeling’s mutual, asshole,” Caden yelled, his arms determined to grab Grady.

  “That’s enough!” Coach Burns’ voice cut through the melee.

  Everyone froze.

  “Both of you. In the office now.” Coach stormed off, leaving them to straighten themselves out and follow him into the office with their proverbial tails between their legs.

  * * *

  I tossed the hotel towel onto a poolside chair and dove into the indoor pool in my black bikini. Being four in the morning, it was dark, quiet, and I didn’t have to worry about anyone else being there.

  I broke through the water’s surface and pulled in a breath. The pungent smell of chlorine cleared my senses. I dropped my head back into the water and lifted my legs, moving my arms in circles beneath the water to steer as I floated on my back. Underwater, silence surrounded me. I could’ve taken a shower to rid my body of the sweat I woke up in, but coach’s understanding that sometimes I needed to do what I needed to do, motivated me to take a swim.

  I floated for a long time, letting nothing but solace envelop me. Not regret. Not guilt. Not sadness.

  Last night’s nationally televised game had been a close one. And even though Caden was more focused, taking his time with his throws, Grady and his line couldn’t get their act together. I wondered what Coach said to them behind closed doors because when they boarded the bus to head back to the hotel sometime after eleven, neither of them looked happy.

  I slipped underwater, swimming until I reached the side of the pool. I surfaced and pushed my hair back out of my face before grasping the cement around the pool.

  “Don’t let me stop you,” Caden’s deep voice echoed through the room.

  My body tensed as I struggled to find in the dark room. His shadow grew as he stood from a chair and walked to the edge of the pool, stopping at my fingertips. My eyes drifted from his bare feet up to his solid calves over his cargo shorts until they stopped on his bare chest. Holy hell. Why wasn’t he wearing a shirt? “Are you coming in?”

  “Do you want me to?” His voice was low and raspy, something I’d never heard out of his mouth before—especially directed at me.

  “Not really.”

  He snickered at the apparent fear in my voice. “You weren’t in the gym.”

  “Were you trying to bring me more tampons?”

  He shook his head, the smirk on his face undeniable. “I think I made my point.”

  “And what was that?”

  “I’m always up for a challenge.”

  “Is that so?”

  He nodded. “And I was a little curious where you were.”

  “Well, not to worry. Running isn’t my only talent. I’m a good swimmer, too.”

  He hitched his thumb over his shoulder. “From where I was sitting, you’re a good floater.”

  My head shot back. “How long have you been in here?”

  He shrugged. “Long enough not to see you swim.”

  I laughed. “You sure your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you? That’s quite a shiner you’ve got.”

  He stifled a smile. “Have you seen Grady’s face?”

  “You guys kiss and make up?”

  “Kiss Grady? No. Come to an understanding? Maybe. But with him, what he hears and does are two completely different things.” He shook his head. “The guy’s such a douche.”

  “Can’t argue with that.” I reached my hand out to him. “Mind giving me a hand?”

  He reached down and grabbed my hand. His dry grip was strong—quite a contrast to my cold pruned fingers. He could’ve pulled my entire body out with one tug. But that wasn’t what I wanted. Instead I tugged his hand hard, throwing him off balance. He tried catching himself, but fell into the water with a huge splash.

  I scrambled back, not wanting to be anywhere near him when he surfaced.

  When he did, his eyes were wild, searching the pool for me. I assumed his eyes had adjusted to the darkness because he spotted me on the low end, a sly smile swiping across his face. “You thought that was funny?” He pushed his hair off his forehead.

  I nodded as I stifled my laughter. “As funny as a box of tampons in my lap.”

  “So that’s how it’s gonna be?” He moved toward me, wiping water from his eyes as he did. “An eye for an eye?”

  “Just following your lead.” I kept him in my sight as I moved along the wall, lowering my body so only my head remained above water.

  “Then why are you all the way over there?” He moved closer, treading water easily as I shuffled away from him. “You wanted me in the water. Here I am.”

  My pulse began to rattle in my chest. “I didn’t think you’d actually fall in.”
r />   He grunted incredulously. “You pulled my hand, but didn’t think I’d fall in?”

  I shook my head. “I wanted to scare you.”

  “Do I look scared?” His eyes tightened, predatory and sexy as hell. If I was capable of falling under his spell, I very well could have in that moment. But his charms were wasted on me. He lunged forward until he had me backed into the curved corner of the pool.

  I moved right. He was there. I tried for left. He was there, too. Shit.

  “Now, what to do with you,” he mused.

  Thankfully we were cloaked in darkness because heat crept up my neck, spreading to my cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

  He raised a brow. “Now you’re sorry?”

  I nodded, unsure what he was looking for.

  His features remained pensive as he tunneled his fingers through his wet hair, his biceps all shiny and ripped.

  Oh, man. I needed to remember why I hated him so much. I needed to get away from him. Far away. I dropped underwater and pushed off the wall behind me, taking off swimming. I didn’t get far. Caden wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me against his chest.

  I froze.

  It took all of two seconds of having his wet skin and rock hard body wrapped around me for the image of him dropping his lips to my bare shoulder to materialize in my brain. A shiver surged through me. In that instant, when being in his arms felt too good, I knew I needed to get out of there. I wiggled my body, fighting to break loose from his grasp.

  “Woah. Relax.” He released my waist, but grabbed hold of my shoulders and spun me toward him. “I’m not used to girls fighting to get away from me.”

  Being that close to him caused my eyes to cast down, a desperate attempt to reel in my hormones—and sanity.

  “Hey.” He lifted my chin with his finger. All I could do was stare at the clumped lashes surrounding his black eye. “I was just teasing you. I wouldn’t hurt you.”

  I nodded. “I know.”

  “So what is it? You don’t like guys touching you or something?”

  I swallowed around a lump, realizing how easy it would’ve been for him to lean in and kiss me in that dark pool with no one else around. But it would’ve been just as easy to deliver him a second black eye. And given his gaze now focused on my lips, he needed a reminder. “I don’t like guys with girlfriends touching me.”