MYTH CONCEPTIONS m-2

by Robert Asprin

  The rude order wrenched my thoughts back to the present.

  A soldier, resplendent in leather armor and brandishing an evil-looking pike, was angrily approaching our crude encampment. Behind him the gates stood slightly ajar, and I could see the heads of several other soldiers watching us curiously.

  Now that the light was improving, I could see the wall better. It wasn't much of a wall, barely ten feet high. That figured. From what we had seen since we crossed the border, it wasn't much of a kingdom, either.

  "You deaf or something?" the soldier barked drawing close. "I said move along!"

  Aahz scuttled forward and planted himself in the soldier's path.

  "Skeeve the Magnificent has arrived," he announced. "And he-"

  "I don't care who you are!" the soldier snarled, wasting no time placing his pike between himself and the figure addressing him. "You can't-"

  He broke off abruptly as his pike leaped from his grasp and floated horizontally in mid-air until it was forming a barricade between him and Aahz.

  The occurrence was my doing, a simple feat of levitation. Regardless of our planned gambit, I felt I should take a direct hand in the proceedings before things got completely out of hand.

  "I am Skeeve!" I boomed, forcing my voice into a resonant bass. "And that is my assistant you are attempting to threaten with your feeble weapon. We have come in response to an invitation from Rodrick the Fifth, King of Possiltum!"

  "That's right, Bosco!" Aahz leered at the soldier. "Now just run along like a good fellow and pass the word we're here... eh?"

  As I noted earlier, all this was designed to impress the hell out of the general populace. Apparently the guard hadn't read the script. He did not cower in terror or cringe with fear. If anything, our little act seemed to have the exact opposite effect on him.

  "A magician, eh?" he said with a mocking sneer. "For that I've got standing orders. Go around to the back where the others are."

  This took us aback. Well, at least it took me aback. According to our plan, we would end up arguing whether we entered the palace to perform in the king's court, or if the king had to bring his court outside to where we were. Being sent to the back door was not an option we had considered.

  "To the back?" Aahz glowered. "You dare to suggest a magician of my master's stature go to the back door like a common servant?"

  The soldier didn't budge an inch.

  "If it were up to me, I'd ‘dare to suggest' a far less pleasant activity for you. As it is, I have my orders. You're to go around to the back like all the others."

  "Others?" I asked carefully.

  "That's right," the guard sneered. "The king is holding an open air court to deal with all you ‘miracle workers.' Every hack charm-peddler for eight kingdoms is in town. Some of ‘em have been in line since noon yesterday. Now get around to the back and quit blocking the road!"

  With that he turned on his heel and marched back to the gate, leaving his pike hanging in mid-air.

  For once, Aahz was as speechless as I was. Apparently I wasn't the only one the king had invited to drop by. Apparently we were in big trouble.

  Chapter Five:

  "... Eye of newt, toe of frog..." -Believed to be the first recipe for an explosive mixture ... The forerunner of gunpowder.

  "WHAT are we going to do, Aahz?"

  With the guard out of earshot, I could revert to my normal voice and speech patterns, though it was still necessary to keep my physical disguise intact.

  "That's easy," he responded. "We pack up our things and go around the back. Weren't you listening, kid?"

  "But what are we going to do about..."

  But Aahz was already at work, rebinding the few items we had unpacked.

  "Don't do anything, kid," he warned over his shoulder. "We can't let anyone see you doing menial work. It's bad for the image."

  "He said there were other magicians here!" I blurted at last.

  "Yeah So?"

  "Well, what are we going to do?"

  Aahz scowled. "I told you once. We're going to pack our things and-"

  "What are we going to do about the other magicians?"

  "Do? We aren't going to do anything. You aren't up to dueling, you know."

  He had finished packing and stepped back to survey his handiwork. Nodding in satisfaction, he turned and shot a glance over my shoulder.

  "Do something about the pike, will ya, kid?"

  I followed his gaze. The guard's pike was still hanging suspended in mid-air. Even though I hadn't been thinking about it, part of my mind had been keeping it afloat until I decided what to do with it. The question was, what should I do with it?

  "Say, Aahz ..." I began, but Aahz had already started walking along the wall.

  For a moment I was immobilized with indecision. The guard had gone so I couldn't return his weapon to him. Still, simply letting it drop to the ground seemed somehow anticlimactic.

  Unable to think of anything to do that would have the proper dramatic flair, I decided to postpone the decision. For the time being, I let the pike float along behind me as I hurried after Aahz, first giving it additional elevation so it would not be a danger to Gleep and Buttercup.

  "Were you expecting other magicians to be here?" I asked, drawing abreast of my mentor.

  "Not really," Aahz admitted. "It was a possibility, of course, but I didn't give it a very high probability rating. Still, it's not all that surprising. A job like this is bound to draw competition out of the woodwork."

  He didn't seem particularly upset, so I tried to take this new development in stride.

  "Okay," I said calmly. "How does this change our plans?"

  "It doesn't. Just do your thing like I showed you and everything should come out fine."

  "But if the other magicians-"

  Aahz stopped short and turned to face me.

  "Look, kid," he said seriously, "just because I keep telling you you've got a long way to go before you're a master magician doesn't mean you're a hack! I wouldn't have encouraged you to show up for this interview if I didn't think you were good enough to land the job."

  "Really, Aahz?"

  He turned and started walking again.

  "Just remember, as dimensions go, Klah isn't noted for its magicians. You're no master, but masters are few and far between. I'm betting that compared to the competition, you'll look like a real expert."

  That made sense. Aahz was quite outspoken in his low opinion of Klah and the Klahds that inhabited it, including me. That last thought made me fish for a bit more reassurance.

  "Aahz?"

  "Yeah, kid?"

  "What's your honest appraisal of my chances?"

  There was a moment of silence before he answered.

  "Kid, you know how you're always complaining that I keep tearing down your confidence?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Well, for both our sakes, don't push too hard for my honest appraisal."

  I didn't.

  Getting through the back gate proved to be no problem ... mostly because there wasn't a back gate. To my surprise and Aahz's disgust, the wall did not extend completely around the palace. As near as I could see, only the front wall was complete. The two side walls were under construction, and the back wall was nonexistent. I should clarify that. My statement that the side walls were under construction was an assumption based on the presence of scaffolding at the end of the wall rather than by the observation of any activity going on. If there was any work being performed, it was being done carefully enough not to disturb the weeds which abounded throughout the scaffolding.

  I was beginning to have grave doubts about the kingdom I was about to ally myself with.

  It was difficult to tell if the court was being convened in a garden, or if this was a courtyard losing its fight with the weeds and underbrush which crowded in through the opening where the back wall should have been. (Having grown up on a farm, my basic education in plants was that if it wasn't edible and growing in neat rows, it was a wee
d.)

  As if in answer to my thoughts. Buttercup took a large mouthful of the nearest clump of growth and began chewing enthusiastically. Gleep sniffed the same bush and turned up his nose at it.

  All this I noted only as an aside. My main attention was focused on the court itself.

  There was a small open-sided pavilion set against the wall of the palace sheltering a seated figure, presumably the king. Standing close beside him on either side were two other men. The crowd, such as it was, was split into two groups. The first was standing in a somewhat orderly line along one side of the garden. I assumed this was the waiting line ... or rather I hoped it was as that was the group we joined. The second group was standing in a disorganized mob on the far side of the garden watching the proceedings. Whether these were rejected applicants or merely interested hangers-on, I didn't know.

  Suddenly, a young couple in the watching group caught my eye. I hadn't expected to encounter any familiar faces here, but these two I had seen before. Not only had I seen them, Aahz and I had impersonated them at one point, a charade which had resulted in our being hanged.

  "Aahz!" I whispered urgently. "Do you see those two over there? "

  "No," Aahz said bluntly, not even turning his head to look.

  "But they're the-"

  "Forget ‘em," he insisted. "Watch the judges. They're the ones we have to impress."

  I had to admit that made a certain amount of sense. Grudgingly, I turned my attention to the figures in the pavilion.

  The king was surprisingly young, perhaps in his mid-twenties. His hair was a tumble of shoulder length curls, which combined with his slight build almost made him look effeminate. Judging from his posture, either the interviews had been going on for some time, or he had mastered the art of looking totally bored.

  The man on his left bent and urgently whispered something in the king's ear and was answered by a vague nod.

  This man, only slightly older than the king but balding noticeably, was dressed in a tunic and cloak of drab color and conservative cut. Though relaxed in posture and quiet in bearing, there was a watchful brightness to his eyes that reminded me of a feverish weasel.

  There was a stirring of the figure on the king's right, which drew my attention in that direction. I had a flash impression of a massive furry lump, then I realized with a start that it was a man. He was tall and broad, his head crowned with thick, black, unkempt curls, his face nearly obscured by a full beard and mustache. This, combined with his heavy fur cloak, gave him an animal-like appearance which had dominated my first impression. He spoke briefly to the king, then recrossed his arms in a gesture of finality and glared at the other advisor. His cloak opened briefly during his oration, giving me a glimpse of a glittering shirt of mail and a massive double-headed hand-axe hung on a belt at his waist. Clearly this was not a man to cross. The balding figure seemed unimpressed, matching his rival's glare with one of his own.

  There was a sharp nudge in my ribs.

  "Did you see that?" Aahz whispered urgently.

  "See what? "I asked.

  "The king's advisors. A general and a chancellor unless I miss my guess. Did you see the gold medallion on the general?"

  "I saw his axe!" I whispered back. The light in the courtyard suddenly dimmed. Looking up, I saw a mass of clouds forming overhead, blotting out the sun.

  "Weather control," Aahz murmured half to himself. "Not bad."

  Sure enough, the old man in the red cloak currently before the throne gestured wildly and tossed a cloud of purple powder into the air, and a light drizzle began to fall.

  My spirits fell along with the rain. Even with Aahz's coaching on presentation, my magik was not this powerful or impressive.

  "Aahz ..." I whispered urgently.

  Instead of responding, he waved me to silence, his eyes riveted on the pavilion.

  Following his gaze, I saw the general speaking urgently with the king. The king listened for a moment, then shrugged and said something to the magician.

  Whatever he said, the magician didn't like it. Drawing himself up haughtily, he turned to leave, only to be called back by the king. Pointing to the clouds, the king said a few more words and leaned back. The magician hesitated, then shrugged, and began gesturing and chanting once more.

  "Turned him down," Aahz said smugly.

  "Then what's he doing now?"

  "Clearing up the rain before the next act goes on,"

  Aahz informed me.

  Sure enough, the drizzle was slowing and the clouds began to scatter, much to the relief of the audience who, unlike the king, had no pavilion to protect them from the storm. This further display of the magician's power, however, did little to bolster my sagging confidence.

  "Aahz!" I whispered. "He's a better magician than I am."

  "Yeah," Aahz responded. "So?"

  "So if they turned him down, I haven't got a chance!"

  "Maybe yes, maybe no," came the thoughtful reply. "As near as I can tell, they're looking for something specific. Who knows? Maybe you're it. Remember what I told you, cushy jobs don't always go to the most skillful. In fact, it usually goes the other way."

  "Yeah," I said, trying to sound optimistic. "Maybe I'll get lucky."

  "It's going to take more than luck," Aahz corrected me sternly. "Now, what have you learned watching the king's advisors?"

  "They don't like each other," I observed immediately.

  "Right!" Aahz sounded surprised and pleased. "Now that means you probably won't be able to please them both. You'll have to play up to one of them ... or better still insult one. That'll get the other one on your side faster than anything. Now, which one do you want on your side?"

  That was easier than his first question.

  "The general," I said firmly.

  "Wrong! You want the chancellor."

  "The chancellor!" I exclaimed, blurting the words out louder than I had intended. "Did you see the size of that axe the general's carrying?"

  "Uh-huh," Aahz replied. "Did you hear what happened to the guy who interviewed before old Red Cloak here got his turn?"

  I closed my eyes and controlled my first sharp remark.

  "Aahz," I said carefully, "remember me? I'm Skeeve. I'm the one who can't hear whispers a mile away."

  As usual Aahz ignored my sarcasm.

  "The last guy didn't even get a chance to show his stuff," he informed me. "The chancellor took one look at the crowd he brought with him and asked how many were in his retinue. ‘Eight,' the man said. ‘Too many!' says the chancellor and the poor fool was dismissed immediately."

  "So? "I asked bluntly.

  "So the chancellor is the one watching the purse strings," concluded Aahz. "What's more, he has more influence than the general. Look at these silly walls. Do you think a military man would leave walls half-finished if he had the final say? Somebody decided too much money was being spent constructing them and the project was canceled or delayed. I'm betting that somebody was the chancellor."

  "Maybe they ran out of stones," I suggested.

  "C'mon, kid. From what we've seen since we crossed the border this kingdom's principal crop is stones."

  "But the general..."

  As I spoke, I glanced in the general's direction again. To my surprise and discomfort, he was staring directly at me. It wasn't a friendly stare.

  I hesitated for a moment, hoping I was wrong. I wasn't. The general's gaze didn't waver, nor did his expression soften. If anything, it got uglier.

  "Aahz," I hissed desperately, unable to tear my eyes from the general.

  Now the king and the chancellor were staring in my direction too, their attention drawn by the general's to our rear, and floating serenely above them was the guard's pike. I guess it was kind of noticeable.

  "You!"

  I turned toward the pavilion and the sound of the bellow. The general had stepped forward and was pointing a massive finger at me.

  "Yes, you!" he roared as our eyes met once more. "Where did you get tha
t pike? It belongs to the palace guards."

  "I think you're about to have your interview, kid," Aahz murmured. "Give it your best and knock ‘em stiff."

  "But-" I protested.

  "It beats standing in line!"

  With that, Aahz took a long leisurely step backward. The effect was the same as if I had stepped forward, which I definitely hadn't. With the attention of the entire courtyard now centered on me, however, I had no choice but to take the plunge.

  Chapter Six:

  "That's entertainment!"

  -VLAD THE IMPALER

  CROSSING my arms, I moved toward the pavilion, keeping my pace slow and measured.

  Aahz had insisted I practice this walk. He said it would make me look confident and self-possessed. Now that I was actually appearing before a king, I found I was using the walk, not as a show of arrogance, but to hide the weakness in my legs.

  "Well?" the general rumbled, looming before me. "I asked you a question! Where did you get that pike? You'd best answer before I grow angry!"

  Something in me snapped. Any fear I felt of the general and his axe evaporated, replaced by a heady glow of strength.

  I had discovered on my first visit to the Bazaar at Deva that I didn't like to be pushed by big, loud Deveels. I discovered now that I also didn't like it any better when the arrogance came from a big, loud fellow Klahd.

  So the big man wanted to throw his weight around, did he?

  With a twitch of my mind, I summoned the pike. Without turning to look, I brought it arrowing over my shoulder in a course destined to embed it in the general's chest.

  The general saw it coming and paled. He took an awkward step backward, realized it was too late for flight, and groped madly for his axe.

  I stopped the pike three feet from his chest, floating it in front of him with its point leveled at his heart.

  "This pike?" I asked casually.

  "Ahh ..." the general responded, his eyes never leaving the weapon.

  "I took this pike from an overly rude soldier. He said he was following orders. Would those orders come from you, by any chance?"

  "I ... urn... ." The general licked his lips. "I issued orders that my men deal with strangers in an expedient fashion. I said nothing about their being less then polite."