Coming of Age in Mississippi

by Anne Moody

  “See if you can work these two,” Mrs. Burke said to me. “I’ll press a couple of these shirts for you meanwhile.”

  I sat down at the dining room table and began working the two problems. I finished them before she finished the first shirt.

  When I gave her the paper, she looked at me again like she didn’t believe me. But after she had studied it and checked my answers against the ones given in the back of the book, she asked me if I would tutor Wayne a few evenings a week. “I’ll pay you extra,” she said. “And I can also help you with your piano lessons sometimes.”

  Within a week I was helping Wayne and a group of his white friends with their algebra every Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday night. While Mrs. Burke watched television in the living room, we would all sit around the dining room table—Wayne, Billy, Ray, Sue, Judy, and me. They were all my age and also in the tenth grade. I don’t think Mrs. Burke was so pleased with the even proportion of boys to girls in the group. Neither did she like the open friendship that was developing between Wayne and me. She especially didn’t like that Wayne was looking up to me now as his “teacher.” However, she accepted it for a while. Often Wayne would drive me home after we had finished the problems for the night.

  Then, one Tuesday, she came through the dining room just as Wayne was asking me a question. “Look Essie,” he said, “how do we do this one?” He asked this as he leaned over me with his arms resting on the back of my chair, his cheek next to mine.

  “Wayne!” Mrs. Burke called to him almost shouting. Wayne and I didn’t move, but the others turned and stared at her. “Listen to what Essie is saying,” she said, trying to get back her normal tone of voice.

  “Mother, we were listening,” Wayne said very indignantly, still cheek to cheek with me.

  The room was extremely quiet now. I felt as if I should have said something. But I couldn’t think of anything to say. I knew Wayne was purposely trying to annoy his mother so I just sat there, trying to keep from brushing my cheek against his, feeling his warm breath on my face. He stared at her until she looked away and went hurriedly into the kitchen.

  Wayne straightened up for a moment and looked at each of his friends as they looked to him for an explanation. His face was completely expressionless. Then he leaned over me again and asked the same question he had asked before. At that point, Mrs. Burke came back through the dining room.

  “Wayne, you can take Billy them home, now,” she said.

  “We haven’t done this problem, Mother. If you would stop interrupting maybe we could finish.”

  “Finish the problem then and take Billy them home, but drop Essie off first,” Mrs. Burke said and left the room.

  I explained the problem. But I was just talking to the paper. Everyone had lost interest now.

  When we left the house Mrs. Burke watched us get into the car and drive off. Didn’t anyone say a word until Wayne stopped in front of my house. Then Billy said, “See you Thursday, Essie,” as cheerfully as he could. “O.K.,” I said, and Wayne drove away.

  The following evening when I went to work, Mrs. Burke wasn’t home and neither was Wayne. Mrs. Burke had left word with Mrs. Crosby that I was to do the ironing and she had put out so many clothes for me to do that by the time I finished I was late for my piano lesson. I ran out of the house and down the front walk with my music books in my hand just as Mrs. Burke and Wayne were pulling into the driveway.

  “Did you finish the ironing already, Essie?” Mrs. Burke asked me as she got out of the car.

  “I just finished,” I said.

  “Where are you going in such a hurry?” Wayne asked.

  “I’m late for my piano lesson.”

  “Let me drive you then,” he said.

  “I’m going to use the car shortly, Wayne,” Mrs. Burke snapped.

  “It’s not far from here. I can walk,” I said, rushing down the sidewalk.

  The next evening Sue and Judy didn’t show up. Only the boys came. Mrs. Burke kept passing through the dining room every few minutes or so. The moment we finished doing the problems, she came in and said, “Essie, I gotta stop in and see Mrs. Fisher tonight. I’ll drop you off.”

  I had begun to get tired of her nagging and hinting, but I didn’t know what to do about it. In a way I enjoyed helping Wayne and his friends. I was learning a lot from them, just as they were from me. And I appreciated the extra money. Mrs. Burke paid me two dollars a week for helping Wayne and Wayne’s friends paid me a dollar each. I was now making twelve dollars a week, and depositing eight dollars in my savings account. I decided not to do anything about Mrs. Burke. “She will soon see that I won’t mess with Wayne,” I thought.

  That Saturday afternoon I was out in the backyard hanging clothes on the line while Wayne was practicing golf.

  “Essie, you want to play me a round of golf?” he asked as I finished and headed for the back door.

  “I don’t know how to play,” I said.

  “It’s easy. I’ll teach you,” he said. “Come, let me show you something.”

  He gave me the golf club and tried to show me how to stand, putting his arms around me and fixing my hands on the club.

  “Essie, the washing machine stopped long ago!” Mrs. Burke suddenly yelled out of the house.

  “I’ll show you when you finish the wash,” Wayne said as I walked away. I didn’t even look back at him. Walking into the house, I felt like crying. I could feel what was happening inside Wayne. I knew that he was extremely fond of me and he wanted to do something for me because I was helping him and his friends with their algebra. But the way he wanted to do it put me up tight. By trying to keep him from doing it, Mrs. Burke only made him want to do it more. I knew Wayne respected me and wouldn’t have gotten out of his place if I’d remained distant and cool. Now I wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to do anything for me—but I didn’t know how.

  Wayne, Billy, and Ray received B’s on the mid-semester exams. They were so happy about their marks they brought their test papers over for me to see. I shall never forget that night. The four of us sat around the table after we had corrected the mistakes on their papers.

  “Gee, Essie, we love you,” Billy said. “And just think, Wayne, we could have gotten A’s, and if we make an A on the final exam we will get a B for a final grade.” Wayne didn’t say anything for a while. He just looked at Billy, then at me. When he looked at me he didn’t have to speak.

  “Boy, let’s call Sue and Judy and see what they got,” he finally said. He ran to the phone in the hall, followed by Billy and Ray.

  When they left me sitting there, I began to wonder how it was that Wayne and his friends were so nice and their parents so nasty and distasteful.

  Sue and Judy came back to me for help because they almost flunked the exam. Mrs. Burke seemed more relaxed once the girls were back. However, they were not relaxed at all. They felt guilty for leaving in the first place. For a week or so they brought me little gifts and it made me nervous. But after that we were again one little happy family.

  The dining room in Mrs. Burke’s house had come to mean many things to me. It symbolized hatred, love, and fear in many variations. The hatred and the love caused me much anxiety and fear. But courage was growing in me too. Little by little it was getting harder and harder for me not to speak out. Then one Wednesday night it happened.

  Mrs. Burke seemed to discuss her most intimate concerns with me whenever I was ironing. This time she came in, sat down, and asked me, “Essie, what do you think of all this talk about integrating the schools in the South?”

  At first I looked at her stunned with my mouth wide open. Then Mama’s words ran through my head: “Just do your work like you don’t know nothin’.” I changed my expression to one of stupidity.

  “Haven’t you heard about the Supreme Court decision, and all this talk about integrating the schools?” she asked.

  I shook my head no. But I lied.

  “Well, we have a lot of talk about it here and people seemingly
just don’t know what to do. But I am not in favor of integrating schools. We’ll move to Liberty first. I am sure that they won’t stand for it there. You see, Essie, I wouldn’t mind Wayne going to school with you. But all Negroes aren’t like you and your family. You wouldn’t like to go to school with Wayne, would you?” She said all this with so much honesty and concern, I felt compelled to be truthful.

  “I don’t know, Mrs. Burke. I think we could learn a lot from each other. I like Wayne and his friends. I don’t see the difference in me helping Wayne and his friends at home and setting in a classroom with them. I’ve learned a lot from Judy them. Just like all Negroes ain’t like me, all white children I know ain’t like Wayne and Judy them. I was going to the post office the other day and a group of white girls tried to force me off the sidewalk. And I have seen Judy with one of them. But I know Judy ain’t like that. She wouldn’t push me or any other Negro off the street.”

  “What I asked you, Essie, is if you wanted to go to school with Wayne,” Mrs. Burke said stiffly. “I am not interested in what Judy’s friends did to you. So you are telling me you want to go to school with Wayne!” She stormed out of the dining room, her face burning with anger.

  After she left I stood at the ironing board waiting—waiting for her to return with my money and tell me she didn’t need me anymore. But she didn’t. She didn’t confront me at all before I left that evening. And I went home shaking with fear.

  The next evening when I came to work I found a note from Mrs. Burke stating she was at a guild meeting and telling me what to do. That made things even worse. As I read the note my hand shook. My eyes lingered on “the Guild.” Then when Wayne and his friends didn’t show up for their little session with me, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t know what to do. I waited for an hour for Wayne and Judy them to come. When they didn’t, I went to Mrs. Crosby’s room and knocked.

  When Mrs. Crosby didn’t answer my heart stopped completely. I knew she was in there. She had been very ill and hadn’t been out in a month. In fact, I hadn’t even seen her because Mrs. Burke had asked me not to go to her room. At last I put my hand on the knob of her door and slowly turned it. “She can’t be dead, she can’t be dead,” I thought. I opened the door slowly.

  “Mrs. Crosby,” I called. She was sitting up in bed as white as a ghost. I saw that she must have been sleeping. Her long, long hair was not braided as usual. It was all over the pillow everywhere.

  “How do you feel, Mrs. Crosby?” I asked, standing at the foot of her bed. She beckoned for me to come closer. Then she motioned for me to sit on the side of her bed. As I sat on the bed, she took my hands and held them affectionately.

  “How do you feel?” I repeated.

  “Weak but better,” she said in a very faint voice.

  “I was suppose to help Wayne them with their algebra this evening, but they didn’t come,” I said.

  “I know,” she said. “I heard Wayne and his mother fighting last night. Wayne is a nice boy, Essie. He and his friends like you very much. However, his mother is a very impatient woman. You study hard in school, Essie. When you finish I am going to help you to go to college. You will be a great math teacher one day. Now you go on home. Wayne and his friends aren’t coming tonight.” She squeezed my hands.

  The way she talked scared me stiff. When it was time to go home and I walked out on the porch, it was dark. I stood there afraid to move. “I can’t go through the project now,” I thought. “Mrs. Burke them might have someone out there to kill me or beat me up like they beat up Jerry. Why did I have to talk to Mrs. Burke like that yesterday?” I took the long way home that went along the lighted streets. But I trembled with fear every time a car drove past. I just knew that out of any car five or six men could jump and grab me.

  The following day, I didn’t go to work. I didn’t even go to school. I told Mama I had a terrible headache and I stayed in bed all day.

  “Essie Mae, it’s four o’clock. You better git up from there and go to work,” Mama called.

  “My head’s still hurting. I ain’t going to work with my head hurting this bad,” I whined.

  “Why is you havin’ so many headaches? You been lazin’ in bed all day. Miss Burke gonna fire you. Junior, go up there and tell Miss Burke Essie Mae is sick.”

  I lay in bed thinking I had to find some other ache because Mama was getting wise to my headaches. If I could only tell her about Mrs. Burke, I wouldn’t have to lie to her all the time. I really missed Mrs. Rice. Mrs. Rice would have told me what to do. I couldn’t talk to any of the other teachers. “What can I do?” I thought. “I can’t just quit, because she’ll fix it so I can’t get another job.”

  When Junior came back, I called him into my room.

  “What did Mrs. Burke say?” I asked him.

  “She ain’t said nothing but for you to come to work tomorrow, ’cause the house need a good cleanin’. She want me to come with you to mow the yard.”

  I felt a little better after Junior told me that. But I couldn’t understand Mrs. Burke’s actions. It worried me that she was still going to keep me on. What if she was doing that just to try and frame me with something? “I’ll see how she acts tomorrow,” I finally decided.

  At seven o’clock on Saturday morning Junior and I headed through the project for Mrs. Burke’s house. Usually I took advantage of my walk through the project to think about things and compose myself before I got to work, but today I didn’t have a single thought in my head. I guess I had thought too much the day before. When I walked up on her porch and saw her standing in the hall smiling it didn’t even register. I was just there. I realized at that point I was plain tired of Mrs. Burke.

  I went about the housecleaning like a robot until I got to the dining room. Then I started thinking. I stood there for some time thinking about Mrs. Burke, Wayne, and his friends. It was there I realized that when I thought of Wayne my thoughts were colored by emotions. I liked him more than a friend. I stood softly looking down at the table and the chair where Wayne sat when I helped him with his lessons.

  When I looked up Mrs. Burke was standing in the doorway staring at me. I saw the hatred in her eyes.

  “Essie,” she said, “did you see my change purse when you cleaned my room?”

  “No,” I answered, “I didn’t see it.”

  “Maybe I dropped it outside in the yard when I was showing Junior what to do,” she said.

  “So, that’s how she’s trying to hurt me,” I thought, following her to the back door. “She better not dare.” I stood in the back door and watched her walk across the big backyard toward Junior. First she stood talking to him for a minute, then they walked over to a corner of the yard and poked around in the grass as though she was looking for her purse. After they had finished doing that, she was still talking to Junior and he stood there trembling with fear, a horrified look on his face. She shook him down and turned his pockets inside out. I opened the door and ran down the steps. I didn’t realize what I was about to do until I was only a few paces away from them.

  “Did you find it out here, Mrs. Burke?” I asked her very coldly, indicating that I had seen her shake Junior down.

  “No, I haven’t found it,” she answered. She looked at Junior as if she still believed he had it.

  “Did you see Mrs. Burke’s purse, Junior?” I asked him.

  “No, I ain’t saw it.” He shook his head and never took his eyes off Mrs. Burke.

  “Junior hasn’t seen it, Mrs. Burke. Maybe we overlooked it in the house.”

  “You cleaned my bedroom, Essie, and you said you didn’t see it,” Mrs. Burke said, but she started back to the house, and I followed her.

  When we got inside, she went in the bedroom to look for her purse and I went back to housecleaning. About thirty minutes later she interrupted me again.

  “I found it, Essie,” she said, showing me the change purse in her hand.

  “Where was it?” I asked.

  “I had forgotten. Wayne and I watche
d TV in his room last night.” She gave me a guilty smile.

  “I am glad you found it.” I picked up the broom and continued sweeping.

  “I’ll just find me another job,” I thought to myself. “This is my last day working for this bitch. School will be out soon and I’ll go back to Baton Rouge and get a job. Ain’t no sense in me staying on here. Sooner or later something might really happen. Then I’ll wish I had quit.”

  “Essie, I don’t have enough money to pay you today,” Mrs. Burke said, sitting at the big desk in the hallway. She was looking through her wallet. “I’ll pay you on Monday. I’ll cash a check then.”

  “You can give me a check, now, Mrs. Burke. I won’t be back on Monday.”

  “Do you go to piano lessons on Monday now?” she asked.

  “I am not coming back, Mrs. Burke,” I said it slowly and deliberately, so she didn’t misunderstand this time.

  She looked at me for a while, and then said “Why?”

  “I saw what you did to Junior. Junior don’t steal. And I have worked for white people since I was nine. I have worked for you almost two years, and I have never stole anything from you or anybody else. We work, Mrs. Burke, so we won’t have to steal.”

  “O.K., Essie, I’ll give you a check,” Mrs. Burke said angrily. She hurriedly wrote one out and gave it to me.

  “Is Junior still here?” I asked.

  “No. I paid him and he’s gone already. Why?” she asked.

  I didn’t answer. I just slowly walked to the front door. When I got there, I turned around and looked down the long hallway for the last time. Mrs. Burke stood at the desk staring at me curiously as I came back toward her again.

  “Did you forget something?” she asked as I passed her.

  “I forgot to tell Mrs. Crosby I am leaving,” I said, still walking.

  “Mama doesn’t pay you. I do! I do!” she called to me, as I knocked gently and opened Mrs. Crosby’s door.

  Mrs. Crosby was propped up on pillows in bed as usual. But she looked much better than she had the last time I was in her room.