Being There

by T. K. Rapp

  “Seriously?” Luke asks shaking his head disbelieving. “I figured Cass was short for Cassandra or something like that. You were named after a damn constellation. That’s crazy.”

  “Anyway,” Drew clears his throat, “back to the original question…who else is going tomorrow?” he finishes, hoping to bring the conversation back.

  “Sorry man, we have other plans,” Luke informs him as he takes his and Nev’s plates to the kitchen, “but you guys have fun.” He walks over and gives me a hug before he picks up Nev who begins squealing. I envy the ease of what they have, but then again, it’s only been a month.

  When they leave the room, Drew turns his attention back to me and questions my desire to zip line. “No, I’m serious, I’ve wanted to try it for a while. It’s now or never,” I say definitively.

  He stands from his seat and takes his plate to the sink. “Okay, then. I guess we should get some sleep; it’ll be an early morning. The place I found is in Wimberley, and it’ll probably take us at least an hour or so to get there.”

  “That’s fine, you go ahead,” I join him in standing before walking to the patio, “I slept on the way out, so I’m not tired right now. I think I’m going to sit outside for a while. But I’ll see you in the morning.”

  He starts to walk away before turning back to me, “Would you like some company?”

  “That would be fine.” I know I sound unsure when I say it, but let’s face it, there’s just so much history that five years didn’t seem to remedy. Drew takes a seat in one of the lounge chairs while I go to the fridge and grab two beers before heading outside to join him. “So how is Logan doing?” I ask, handing one of the beers to him.

  “He’s good,” he smiles broadly. “Actually, he’s going to be a dad.”

  I sit up abruptly, “Are you serious? How did your parents take it?”

  “Yeah, I found out a couple of months ago, but it’s still a bit of a shock,” he confesses before continuing. "Mom was surprised. It's not everyday your son comes home with a girl you've only met once, and find out that there's a kid on the way."

  “Shit,” I respond through a harsh breath as I lay back down. “No, I guess it doesn’t. But she’s happy, right?”

  “It took a little while, but she’s come around and now she’s really excited. I think she was hoping for a girl, but she says boys are her lot in life.”

  “And what about Brian?” I ask, referring to his dad. He seems pained by my questions, which causes me to regret asking.

  “That's a little hard to say,” he replies, seemingly choosing his words. “On a good day, he's excited about it. On a bad day, he doesn't know who any of us are, let alone that he's about to be a granddad."

  I furrow my brow in confusion and ask hesitantly, “What's going on with your dad?”

  He sighs before drudging it all up, "It all started about a year ago. We would be sitting around talking and he would just drift to someplace else, mentally. We blew it off, thinking work was taking its toll on him, but it all came to a head about six months ago when he started forgetting the smallest things like keys, passwords or the fact that he’d already gone to work.”

  “Do they know what it is?” I ask; my curiosity piqued.

  “They’ve run a gamut of tests but really have no answers yet. The first assumption was Alzheimer’s, but it doesn’t fit that criteria. So we’re currently at a loss trying different meds to see if that helps.”

  “I'm so sorry. How is your mom taking it?”

  “As well as can be expected. I think it’s aged her a little. She's still working at the hospital, so Logan and I help as much as we can with dad, but it’s hard since I’m in Houston and they’re still in Dallas.”

  “Does he understand what's happening?”

  “Most days he knows what day it is, and then he has a moment where he's stuck in the past. It’s those times that he asks about you.” The last part seems to have slipped passed his filter because he flinches as he says it.

  I turn away but nod, acknowledging what he shared. Between his home and mine, we had spent so much time together that his family was my second family. I missed them so much, but that tie was severed years ago. “I think about them often, too.”

  “I'm sure they would be happy to know that,” he says quietly. “You were always special to them.”

  “It's the truth. Your parents were always so good to me.”

  “They loved you; the daughter mom never had,” he laughs lightly.

  “Diana said that to me once. She said she wished I came around more because you boys always behaved better when I was around.” I look at him, trying to hide the pain in my eyes, “Please tell them I miss them.”

  “Just them?” He asks under his breath. Does he really expect me to answer that? Because yes, I have missed him, but what does that matter now?

  “Wow,” I huff out, attempting to change the subject, "Uncle Drew. That's amazing. I can't believe Logan is going to be a daddy; I guess he grew up.”

  “So what about Annette and Chris? What are they up to these days?”

  “Mom and dad are great,” I state with a smile before continuing. “They wanted to come see me this weekend, but I reminded them I have plans. Sometimes being the only child is hard, too much unwanted attention.”

  “Damn! I thought they would let up by now, jeez you’re how old now?” he teases.

  “Perks of being an only child, I suppose,” I shrug.

  “So about tomorrow,” he starts, “are you sure you want to do it?” I can tell he’s trying to gauge my willingness to go along, and while I am typically afraid of my own shadow, I can see why someone would question my resolve, but I need it. “Like I said before, new me,” I finally answer, as if that explains everything.

  “Was there something wrong with the “old” you?” he asks, “because I liked the old Cass.”

  “Nah, not necessarily wrong. Not many people liked the old Cass. She was too scared, and a bit of a pushover and easily taken advantage of…you know pretty much an overall doormat.” Saying it out loud hurts, but that’s how I see myself. “I just decided I want to push myself and try new things. I’ve heard about this for a long time and it sounds like so much fun. It’s the closest I’ll ever come to bungee jumping or anything like that, so yeah, I really want to do this.”

  “Well, if that’s the case, as much as I would love to sit here and talk longer, I need to call it a night.”

  “That’s fine, you go ahead. I’ll go in in a little,” I say as I relax a little more into my chair. Part of me wants him to stay, but it’s more for history’s sake than anything else. I’m dying to know what the last five years have been like for him, but I won’t ask. I’ve only been able to get so much information on him from Facebook, and everything I’ve ever wanted to tell him is tucked away in journals and letters back at my condo that will never see the light of day.

  “Alright then, I’ll wake you up at six,” he says as he looks down at me.

  I look up to see his still handsome face, “I’ll be ready.” He gives me a tight smile and walks away, but I hear him stop somewhere behind me and exhale audibly.

  “Good night Cass.”

  “Goodnight, D.”

  I came here to forget about my cancer and boy is it on the back burner. I’m not sure how I feel about that because my health should be my focus. But I also didn’t count on the person I once considered the love of my life to reappear. Thank you, Nev. I have a choice to make: Am I going to do this thing tomorrow with a chip on my shoulder? Or am I going to let it go and try to move on? He’s trying so hard to be a friend, and right now, I need as many of those as I can get. He was once the first person I talked to in the morning and the last person I talked to at night, he was more than a guy I had feelings for; he was my friend.

  I take a deep breath and decide here and now that I’m going to let it go and move on. Holding on to the hurt and anger isn’t going to help me move on and heal, but letting go, just might. And w
ith that thought in mind, I get up to turn in and get the sleep that I so desperately need.

  The Past: Lies of Omission

  The morning after we made love, sunlight flitted through the blinds, causing me stir, but there was something that kept me positioned in place. I squirmed a little more and tried to roll over and felt an arm at my waist. My eyes shot open in a flash when I realized that it was Drew. I didn’t dream it. I turned under the weight of his arm to look at his sleeping face when his lazy smile broke out.

  “Hey,” I said, slightly alarmed he was awake the whole time and saw me looking at him.

  “Hey yourself,” he said, pulling me closer.

  “Did you sleep good?”

  He squeezed me tight, “Best sleep ever.”

  It was an uncomfortable moment because I don’t think either of us knew what came next because we knew what we wanted, but where did we go from there? “Can I ask you something?”

  He got up on his elbow and looked down at me with concern on his face, “Sure. Is everything okay? You don’t regret it do you?”

  “No,” I answered quickly because I didn’t. “Of course not. Last night was everything that I wanted and so much more, but…,” I paused, worried that I would sound like a needy girl, “what did it mean? Are we together? I mean, you’re two hours away, I’m not stupid enough to believe in the long distance thing, I guess I’m just curious where your head is at.” Something about that question made him react; he looked like he was getting ready to shatter my world. Little did I know that’s exactly what was about to happen.

  “Why did you end things with Griff?”

  Why was he asking about Griff? What did that have to do with what I had just asked him?

  “There were no sparks between us, I mean, there should be sparks, at least in the beginning, right? I looked for them, I really did, but nothing.”

  “What do you feel now?” He asked pointedly.

  “You know that feeling you get when you are on a roller coaster. The butterflies you get in the pit of your stomach with every click of the chain because you know what’s coming?” I looked at Drew to see if he was following and he just nodded, “It’s like that, but with so much more anticipation. I’m scared and excited and ready, all at one time.”

  “I know exactly what you’re talking about because I feel the same way.”

  He grew intensely quiet, which concerned me because I felt like he was keeping something from me. I didn’t want to push because whatever it was, it wasn’t good, but there was no way I could let it go. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  He sat upright and looked at me, “Those feelings, everything you’ve told me, I feel the same, I want you to remember that when I tell you this.” I nodded because there were no words that could adequately describe the dread I was feeling at that moment. “I’m seeing someone.”

  I felt like someone just threw me in front of a car and rolled over me a few times to make sure the job was done. I sat up and tugged the sheets to my chest, covering myself reeling from what he just said. “You’re what? Is it Sage?”

  “No,” he said quickly, trying to take my hand in his. I yanked it away and tried to move away from him as I covered my mouth in complete shock.

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me! After last night? You tell me this shit, after! I can’t believe you! How could you do that? Is that how you see me? I’m just some slut you can screw behind your girlfriend’s back!” I screamed at him. He tried reaching out for me again, but I moved away. There were no tears, only pure anger when I looked at him.

  “We haven’t been together long,” he tried to explain. "I don’t want to be with her, all I want, all I’ve ever wanted is you. Please don’t hate me.”

  “Don’t hate you? After everything I said to you last night, you got me to admit that I’m in love with you and you have the gall to ask me not to hate you? I didn’t think it was possible, but I do, I love you and I hate you and I’m completely disgusted by you. How could I trust you?”

  “Please, just listen to me,” he begged, “when I saw you last night you looked so amazing and I didn’t realize how much I missed you. When you kissed me, I knew then that I had to end things with Jen. I didn’t think this,” he motioned between the two of us, “was going to happen. Was I wrong? Yes. But do I regret it? Hell no. Just let me make this right.” His voice was pleading, but I could care less.

  “There’s no way to make it right. Right would have been ending it with her before you fucked me,” he flinched at the verbal venom I shot at him, “or better yet, right would have been to not fuck me at all you son of a bitch!”

  “That’s not what it was, not with us,” he ran a frustrated hand through his already messy hair. “I love you.”

  “No you don’t, and you obviously don’t respect me either because you just ruined everything. You need to leave. Now.” I stood up to move away from him so he understood that I was serious.

  “No, not like this. We have to talk, we need to fix this,” he said as he walked over to me. He tried to pull me to his arms, but I pushed away from his chest.

  “There’s nothing to fix,” I whispered. He pulled my face to his and kissed me on the lips, but I didn’t reciprocate. He tried again and again, but I stood looking at him emotionless.

  “I’m so sorry,” he said against my lips, “please, I can’t lose you. Not now.”

  “Drew,” I pushed away from him and walked to my bedroom door, “I’ve lost so much more than you know. I could live without kissing you again and making love to you, I’d get over that. But I’ve just lost my best friend because I can’t trust you. You destroyed this.”

  I walked out of my room and sat on the couch wrapped in my sheet waiting until he finished dressing and packing his bag. My heart ached because it would have been so much easier to try and overlook what he just told me, but I had to let him go. I knew he loved me, I’d known that for a long time, but he lied. He was seeing someone, and it wasn’t my place to be mad about that. But I was fucking livid that he let me think that he was available and that we could finally be together.

  When he emerged, he looked remorseful and dejected and still as handsome as I’d ever seen him. He put his bag down and walked over to the coffee table that was across from where I sat and stared at me for a moment. “I know you hate me right now, but please, hear me. I’m going to make this right. You’re the only one I want and if I have to call you every hour and text you the reasons I love you, then I will. I need you in my life.”

  I stood up and walked to the door to the apartment and held it open before looking at him, “Goodbye, Drew.” He reluctantly stood up and walked to the door, stopping to look at me once more, waiting for me to look at him.

  He opened his mouth to say something but snapped it shut. I closed my eyes, too hurt to look at him. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead sweetly and whispered, “I’m so sorry.” And then he walked away.

  I closed the door and hurried to my room and shut the door before throwing myself on my bed and sobbing uncontrollably. I could still smell him on my pillows, on my sheets and on me. I wanted to wash it off, but at the same time, I wanted to remember that scent forever because I knew I’d never see him again. In one night, I lost the guy I loved, but moreover, I lost my best friend, just as I feared. How could he not tell me he was with someone? How could I have been so wrong? I felt like a fool because if I had listened to my gut, this wouldn’t have happened. Red flags were going up everywhere, he was holding back, and I chose to ignore the signs. The fucked up mess was as much my fault as it was his and that realization had me sobbing all over again.

  Somewhere between crying and mentally stabbing him, I fell asleep, only to be awakened by the buzzing of my phone alerting me to a text. I still hadn’t heard Nev come in, so figured it was her checking in.

  Drew: Can I call u?

  Me: No

  Drew: As soon as I got back home I ended it.

  Me: It’s too late. What do you w
ant me to say?

  Drew: That we can get past this

  Me: I can’t. You lied to me

  Drew: It’ll never happen again

  I didn’t know how to respond to his last text. He was a cheater, there was no blurring that line, the fact that he was with someone and he slept with me proved it. It would be so much easier to overlook it, but I couldn’t be that girl. Two hours earlier, he shattered my heart. And nine hours earlier, he had changed my life. How was I supposed to reconcile the two and move on to some future with him? It would be fucked up and tainted because he listened to his fucking dick instead of being the stand up guy he should have been. What pissed me off more than anything was that the rumors I fought to dispel all those years were apparently right. He was a fucking asshole and deserved every harsh word that had been thrown his way. I was just another notch on his bedpost and that hurt more than anything else. I wasn’t special to him or to anyone else.

  Me: I wish I could, but I can’t trust you. Even as my friend.

  Silence.

  I figured he took me at my word, so I was surprised when the phone I was holding in my hand rang. When I saw it was Drew, I didn’t want to answer it, but I knew if I didn’t, things would be up in the air and I just wanted to finish as quickly as possible. So I answered it.

  “Please, just listen to me,” he pleaded as soon as I answered.

  “There’s nothing to say, Drew. Can you tell me you didn’t lie?”

  “I didn’t, I told you the truth. My timing may have been fucked, but I told you,” he said forcefully.

  “A lie of omission is still a lie,” I reminded him in snobbish tone.

  “You’re scared, I get it, but don’t push me away because of that. Be mad at me and yell, but don’t push me away.”

  “No, I’m not scared,” I admitted with confidence, “I see everything clearly. I love you, and I probably always will, but if I can’t trust you, which I can’t, then there’s nothing left for us.”