Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice

by Robert J Rubel PhD

  Once you have identified some of the larger themes by which you wish your House to be known, and once you have spelled out your expectations of your Family members, you're ready to take on another large topic: team building. If you think about it for a minute, you probably want your Family to be viewed as a "team" in the business sense of the word. Many of the rules and guidelines for building strong teams apply equally to building a strong Family. In summary, they are:

  • Be loyal to those not present. Family members will not discuss Family issues with Others. No personal information about Family members will be shared with Others. Parenthetically, if the slave hears someone speaking ill of another, my preference is that the slave urge that person to discuss it directly and constructively with whomever is involved - but not to continue the discussion.

  • Don't complain to Others. If any Family member has a concern or complaint about the way the Family is functioning, we will discuss these concerns entirely within the Family - not to friends or Others. Concerns and complaints will receive a better reception if they are presented as facts/issues devoid of emotion and spin. That is, there is an "issue" and there is the "story about the issue." I'm not interested in the story, for it is usually based on personal interpretation.

  • Do more than your fair share. I recognize that much is required of my slave. But, that's the nature of the deal. While I'm working very hard to create a magical world filled with intellectual and emotional stimulation, I need my slave to be searching relentlessly for ways of smoothing the way before me.

  • Be dependable. Be where you are expected to be at the time you said you would be there; be prepared to do the job-at-hand.

  • Anticipate what I am going to do next. Good Family members rarely need to tell one another what to do next, because the partner is already doing it.

  • Be flexible. I tend to act quickly once I understand a situation. My slave must be prepared to follow quickly, and without slowing me down. My slave must learn to recognize when I am in problem-solving mode, and learn to interject refining questions at that time - not after I've made a decision.

  Expectations About Responsibilities and Duties Inside and Outside the House

  What expectations do you hold yourself to? What expectations do you have of your slave? For example, do you wish to give back to your Leather Community? If so, in what way? I know one Family who goes out of its way to make new submissives feel welcomed and safe. They've set up a "buddy" system, a safe-call system, and monthly introductory-level workshops. I know another Family that advocates for sexual freedom and tolerance between the Vanilla world and the world of BDSM/kink.

  Once you start thinking about duties and responsibilities, you may start uncovering previously hidden expectations. For example, you might expect anyone associated with your Family to be intellectually curious. You may limit the time they are allowed to spend on frivolity - an activity you also get to define. So, in your Household, no frivolity might mean restrictions on television and movie viewing. By extension, you might promote intellectually stimulating evenings by offering small (formal) dinner parties. In a similar vein, you might promote reading non-fiction and restrict reading fiction.

  The message, then, is that you need seriously to consider what you stand for and how you want to brand your Household. And, you need to be open with your slave-to-be about these hidden expectations.

  Beliefs - About the Spiritual Side of Life and About People

  A substantial proportion of the leaders in the Leather M/s movement discuss the importance of the spiritual aspects in their relationships and actions. This represents another topic that, for many, will require serious thought. The spiritual aspect is important for a variety of reasons. For example, it concerns the purpose of your SM play. Are you flogging your slave because you like the feeling or the process, or because flogging represents a path to spiritual and cathartic release? Think about the slave candidate you're playing with.. .when you are finished playing, does he/she get up and thank you for your skill and technique, or does this person lie there virtually motionless for 20-30 minutes, overwhelmed by the magic that has just enveloped him or her? It's not that one "scene" is inherently better than the other - just that they are different. Have you ever thought about BDSM practices as being a vehicle to take your partner to a differnet plane. Have you ever tried to grapple with what it is the two of you do together that is so special?

  Let's move now from spiritual beliefs to beliefs about people. It's not important that you agree or disagree with these bulleted points. The issue is: how do you react to these statements that I've collected over the years? By considering which statements elicit emotional responses, you may learn something about yourself. Let me be clear: these are not my own personal views, just a collection of attitudes that I've heard people express over the years. It is important that you create and then react to some of your own opinion statements in order to find out how you - and your slave - are wired.

  • People? There's nobody out there other than who I create (or recreate) when I go out in the world. Even then, I can only see that person through the filters of my own senses. My "George Washington" is so different from George Washington's "George Washington" that there is not likely to be much common ground beyond a physical description.

  • I believe that people are inherently good, kind, and loving. I just have to give them a chance.

  • People are only "civilized" out of fear of being caught and exposed. Everyone would rape, murder, and steal, if they thought they could get away with it.

  • It is our belief that every person has worth. Even a rapist, con artist, or burglar. You must be able to forgive the person who kills your child.

  • If you meet my expectations, I'll like you and let you be my friend. Violate my values one time, and I'll cast you out forever. (This can relate to other concepts such as, honor code or personal values.)

  • I believe everyone, until they give me reason not to trust or believe them.

  • Thin as a rail; no meat on her/his bones. He/she must be overly controlling and compulsive; no joy in this one - probably an introvert - I'm just not interested.

  • Sloppy body, sloppy mind. If the person doesn't care enough about him/herself to stay thin and trim, I'm just not interested.

  • While I can be polite to almost anyone, a person would have to be very special for me to be willing to give of my time or attention. I don't do "normal people" well.

  • Gosh, I just love people. Big, tall, short, small. I revel in their alivenes; they all have such interesting stories to tell.

  • Son, people have been put on earth to see one another through, not to see through one another.

  As you can well imagine, someone who thinks they recreate people in the world every time they go out is going to have a dramatically different relationship with people than the person who believes that everyone is inherently good, kind, and loving, or the person who believes that everyone is a rapist at heart.

  So, a project: Sit down with your potential partner and work out your beliefs about people. Caveat: you may have trouble actually admitting - or getting your partner to admit - true sentiments on this score. The reason is that if your views are not personally flattering (socially acceptable), you aren't likely to reveal them. Similarly, your partner may be less than honest on this same score.

  This, then, forces you back into the world of social science research. You are going to have to work out proxy measures for this topic. Remember: a proxy measure is an unrelated - but acceptable - question you can ask that actually answers another question. For example, if you wanted to explore someone's views on self-determination, you might ask some questions about their reactions to street beggars - the homeless.

  • How do you think that person got there?

  • Do you give money to street people?

  • Have you ever considered volunteering at a Salvation Army center or the like?

  • Can you imagine ever becoming homeles
s? Does that frighten you?

  • How would you feel about inviting a homeless person to come home with us for a good meal? Well, then how about fixing a nice dinner for someone and driving around until you find the first street person and presenting it to him or her?

  • What would you say about spending next weekend doing volunteer service downtown with the XYZ Center?

  I suspect that you'll learn a lot about your partner's empathy quotient, while you'll also learn their attitudes about work ethics, cleanliness, fate, and deistic determinism.

  Agreements

  If you're going to hold someone accountable, you have to be sure that they are aware of the areas for which they are being held accountable. Over the years, I have come to use structured agreements for things that matter. I do this because the forced structure of an Agreement makes the communication particularly clear. As I use them, Agreements have four components:

  • State the offer/acceptance (I agree...).

  • Specify the general item to be done (...to wash the outside of the car...).

  • List conditions of satisfaction - be clear about the level of activity (...so that all of the dirt and tar are completely removed and no water spots remain...).

  • Specify the time frame (...within the next two hours).

  If the slave suspects that he/she cannot fully accomplish any of the four aspects of the Agreement, the slave must respectfully decline to agree to it, and then explain the reticence (in our case, I have usually forgotten that my slave is already working on another task and this new task presents a conflict with my own Instructions). The modification of any aspect of the Agreement must be done BEFORE the Agreement is accepted or as soon as the need for modification becomes apparent.

  If the slave has made an Agreement and later discovers that he/ she may be unable to complete it on time, it is VERY IMPORTANT to contact Master and discuss the situation before the time period expires.

  Failure to keep an Agreement will carry Consequences.

  In my world, Agreements are a big deal. I don't use them casually. I don't mind modifying an agreement at the front end; I don't even mind being contacted regarding a change to the deadline. However, I mind a great deal if no effort was made to renegotiate the terms and conditions of an Agreement, and it is not fulfilled exactly as it was set forth.

  Because I am so focused on keeping Agreements perfectly, I caution my slave not to enter lightly into a formal Agreement with me. I'm going to be easier to get along with if the slave says: "Master, with respect, Sir, I cannot fulfill the terms you are proposing, Sir", rather than entering into an Agreement suspecting that the terms cannot be fulfilled.

  I will comment further on this point. I've known people who would agree to do just about anything with little or no intention of doing so. I had a professor who would promise anything just to get you to go away. While it seemed that he was being cooperative and helpful, he was simply being manipulative. Aware of my personal sensitivity concerning this point - that I will aggres sively challenge any failure to keep an Agreement - I explain how to manage Agreements to those who work closely with me. Similarly, on those occasions that I feel an Agreement is needed to accomplish some significant task, I'm careful to review the component parts of the Agreement and remind the slave of the importance of communicating changes to me ahead of time.

  Time Commitments

  In my Household, issues of time are important. I view time as one of the most valuable assets a person possesses. In life, when you run out of time, you're called dead. Since you don't quite know when you will run out of time, every day becomes important. In that sense, I care very much how I spend my time and how my slave spends her time. In addition to the philosophical underpinnings, time commitments represent a daily opportunity to keep your word. They are a form of Agreement. If the slave has been told an arrival or departure time, Master expects that time to be honored with precision. There will be Consequences to violating time issues - not the least of which is having to put up with my reaction to the slave being late.

  Keeping one's word is a core concept within the Leather culture. From the very beginning of my exposure to the Leather World, I was struck by the degree of honesty, integrity, and high moral purpose I found there. If a Leatherman says something will be done, you can be sure it will be. If I, as Master, have told someone that I will arrive at a certain time, tardiness by my slave will NOT cause me to be late to that meeting. If my slave is not ready to leave on time, I will leave without her and attend to her consequences later.

  Chapter Summary

  In Part I we discussed some common terms and understandings. In Part II we spent time on self-exploration. Part III was devoted to grappling with key elements of your relationship. This last part - Part IV - focused on the framework of your relationship within the larger structure of your Leather House. Now we're ready to tackle the marketing question: how do you find a potential partner? If you're already in a relationship, you may skip on to later parts.

  This section applies equally to Masters looking for slaves, as to slaves looking for Masters. This is the time that you think through how you might want to reach out to such a person and what you want a prospective partner to know about you. The hunt for a partner can be extremely casual - almost accidental - or as highly structured as a job search.

  This section treats this process more like that of searching for a job. This section presumes that you wish to act in such a way as to find a slave, rather than to stay cocooned and dream of finding a slave.

  You may wish to start your search by identifying some outreach paths:

  • Internet, such as alt.com, slave4master. com, or collarme.com

  • Local kink clubs - here are some competent search engines to find kink clubs:

  • Weekend kink conferences:

  Once you have started mingling with like-minded people, the next hurdle concerns making an appropriate connection that demonstrates your thorough preparation for a relationship. I would certainly notice it if a petitioning slave came up to me with a card of introduction that gave just the right amount of information, and then followed up with a resume such as the one I will describe immediately below. This would communicate his/her clarity of intent, thoughtfulness about details, and what I call, process.

  Anyway, in my view, personal marketing has components-

  • Stuff: how you present yourself

  0 Exposure: where you present yourself

  0 Follow-through: how you keep track of contacts

  Stuff - Social Calling Cards, Photos, Resume, Website

  In this day-and-age of computer-generated business cards, it's easy and inexpensive for someone with computer skills to print a handful of social calling cards that include a photo. (Note: if you do include a photo, then you need bright-white, glossy card-stock. You also may need a photo-quality printer - a few hundred dollars. The image will have to be 300dpi to look good; don't bother trying to print off a 72dpi image. You will need a program like Adobe Photo Elements® or Adobe Photoshop® to manipulate the image - crop it, lighten or darken it, sharpen it.) Actually, it's likely that the hardest part is getting a competent, uncluttered photo image.

  Even a simple social calling card without a photo is better than handing out your work/business card. Your professional business card reveals too much about who you are.

  Your Leather/BDSM Master's resume should be contained on a single page, and should include topics such as:

  • Who you are - scene name or real name, but not address. Marital status.

  • Means of contact - cell phone? E-mail? Through a website?

  • What you seek - skills, talents, capabilities, duration. Are you looking for a play partner, a third, a weekend event or a 24/7 relationship?

  • What you like - your particular kink(s).

  • What you seek - the "ideal slave" kind of thing.

  • Your Leather history - are you part of a local group? Do you go to regional conferences?

&
nbsp; • Accomplishments - do you speak at BDSM events? Are you recognized for mastery in some BDSM arena?

  • General overview of your education and work experiences.

  • Hobbies/interests?

  • Etc.

  Next, I suggest that you consider preparing a set of questions that you would ask your potential slave or Master. You can build these from our earlier sections, or simply sit down and start thinking of things you would like to know about this person. Everyone's list would be somewhat different, but here's a start...

  • In what areas of life do you consider yourself truly accomplished?

  • Have you been particularly successful in your work life? Tell me about that.

  • How do you make your money grow?

  • Tell me about your relations with your prior spouse(s) and children. Are you close with your family? What about your parents and siblings?

  • What areas do you hope to explore in the next five years?

  • Conceptually, what do you think of playing by SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) rules? In your view, what are the strengths and weaknesses of using SSC rules vs. RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) standards?

  • What leisure-time activities do you enjoy?

  • What first comes to mind when you see a street person begging for money?

  • Tell me something of your spirituality.

  • Do you smoke? Drink? Use recreational drugs?

  • Do you enjoy meeting new people? How do you do this? If not, why not?

  • What volunteer work have you done in the past?

  • What are your favorite TV shows? Movies? Books?

  • How would you describe your spirit of adventure.

  • What's your Leather history?

  • Ever tried a polyamorous or swinging lifestyle? When were you last tested for STDs and what were the results? What's your position on condom use?

  • Do you have lots of friends? Where do you go to be with them? What kind of activities do you do with them?