HeartWorks

by Charmaine Gordon

  Callie felt a lump in her throat. She looked away so that he couldn’t see the effect his words had on her. “Uh, would you like a cup of coffee?”

  “Thank you.”

  “It will just take a few minutes, I’ll be right back.” She never turned back towards him before she left the room to push some buttons on her coffeemaker.

  A few minutes later Callie came back in carrying a tray with two cups of coffee, milk and sugar. Lawrence’s back was to her, he was looking at a photo frame he was holding; she could tell by the frame it was a picture of her with Jimmy.

  “We took that just before he was deployed, we didn’t know I was pregnant yet.” She set the tray on the coffee table and sat on the couch. “Coffee is here.”

  “Sorry,” he put the photo down and came back to the couch. “I didn’t mean to snoop.” He sat on the couch and after a brief pause reached for the cup.

  “I don’t mind. I am so sorry he didn’t even get to see a picture of his son.”

  “You know, you’re a great mom. I watched you all night. Anything Jacob needed, you were there.” He took a sip of the coffee and swallowed. “It must not be easy doing this all by yourself.”

  “Your mother did it.”

  “Yeah, but not newborns. I was 15 when my dad died, Leisha was 13 and Jimmy was 10. We were all old enough to help take care of Jonson.” He suddenly chuckled. “I don’t know what happened, they had a system with the first three in five years. Somehow they managed another kid after six years. Jonson doesn’t really remember Dad.” His voice cracked.

  “Jacob will never know his father. That’s why it’s so important that he knows his dad’s family...” Her voice trailed off.

  “I’m sorry. We didn’t know anything about you so we never knew to contact you when he died. How did you finally find out?”

  “I’m ashamed to say I thought he abandoned me. I didn’t believe he had but I didn’t want to admit the other possibility. After Jacob was born I decided to seek him out to let him know he had a son. I wasn’t going to ask for financial help or anything, I just thought he should meet his son.”

  Callie had to stop for a moment. Lawrence started to put his hand on her shoulder in comfort but stopped short. There was a momentary silence.

  She finally continued. “I work at the V.A. so I called in a few favors to find out where he was. It didn’t take very long for them to let me know he never came home, alive. I was in shock. It took a while before I felt like I could breathe again. I was home on maternity leave and I knew I had to take care of Jacob, if it wasn’t for that baby.” She shrugged.

  This time he did take her hand. “You’re a brave woman.”

  “When I went back to work I looked at the paperwork again and got your address. I would like to visit Jimmy’s grave, I’d like to take Jacob there. I know it’s not the same but at least I feel like I could introduce them to each other.”

  “I can take you.”

  “You wouldn’t mind?”

  “Not at all. What are you doing Saturday? I’ll pick you up, I’ll have access to the car.”

  “Thank you.”

  Callie stared at the straight lines of headstones at the Veterans’ Cemetery. It didn’t matter what direction she looked, they were all standing in a straight line. She brought flowers and a small frame with two pictures, one of Jimmy and one of Jacob; she liked the way Jimmy was looking towards the baby.

  “Do you think it’s okay to leave these here?”

  “I think it’s perfect.” Lawrence had been quiet while Callie took the scene in and then bent down to touch her lips to Jimmy’s headstone. “He never liked using his given name.” He pointed to the letters on the tombstone, James Bernerd.

  “I know, I used to tease him about that.” She smiled as she took Jacob from the stroller and took him to his father’s grave. “This is your father, Jacob. Jimmy, meet your son. He’s got your eyes… and your laugh.”

  Lawrence walked back to the car. He watched her from a distance until he saw Callie putting the baby back into the stroller and then he walked back.

  “You ready to go?”

  “Actually I need a place to nurse Jacob.” She looked around.

  “Oh.” He started to push the stroller. “Uhm, how about you sit in the car and, uh, I’ll take a little walk.”

  “Thanks Lawrence.”

  A little while later they stopped at a diner for lunch. Lawrence reclined Jacob’s stroller seat and placed it next to the table. Callie put the baby in the seat and let him suck on a pacifier until he nodded off.

  “Today meant so much to me.”

  “I’m glad I could do it. Actually I haven’t been out here since the funeral. It was the first time I actually saw the headstone.”

  The waitress came over to take their orders and all attention turned to the menu. Callie ordered a tuna melt on rye, Lawrence ordered a hot open faced turkey sandwich.

  “Mama’s making chicken tomorrow for dinner.”

  Mrs. Bernerd made sure that Callie understood family dinners were every Sunday and she hoped that Callie would attend with Jacob.

  “She drags Jonson to church every Sunday morning,” he looked shameless as he continued, “Leisha and I usually don’t go. Would you like me to pick you up before dinner?”

  “No, thank you. We will be there though.”

  “You know Jacob is the main topic of her conversation these days. Showing up with that baby really was the best medicine for her.” He reached over and patted his jacket pocket pulling out a folded envelope, “By the way, I meant to give this to you.”

  “What is it?” She reached across the table and Lawrence handed her the envelope. Callie unfolded it and saw that it was addressed to Lawrence at the law office he worked at, it was also unopened. “Why didn’t you read it?” She knew what the answer would be already. “I thought you were anxious for the proof.”

  “I don’t need it and I’m sorry that I insisted. I won’t open it. I look at you and can understand how my brother was able to love you… you’re easy to fall in love with.” He avoided her look after he said that. “You’re a wonderful mother to Jacob and actually you make a pretty good daughter to Mama.” He sighed. “I am so sorry I was being so obstinate.”

  Callie searched his face but couldn’t find the angry, callous man she thought he was. “Like you said the other day, you were only protecting your mother.”

  Lawrence seemed to focus on his sandwich although he only picked at it. “Did Jimmy ever tell you why he joined the service?”

  “He said he wanted to make a difference. I met him after he had already signed up and he was going for his physical.”

  Lawrence nodded. “It was more than that. I wish you had met him earlier, it may have given him a reason not to go, not to get himself killed.”

  “It was something he wanted to do.”

  “Not really. I’ve been so angry about it. It was all my fault. I did try to talk him out of it.”

  “What do you mean?” She could see how upset he was. She reached across and rested her hand on his. “What happened?”

  He stared at their hands and took time responding. “After my father died, I’m sure Jimmy told you he had a heart attack,” he waited for her to agree, “my mother worked really hard and saved up every dime she had. It wasn’t much but she managed to put away four small savings accounts that would pay for a few terms at the community college or some trade school. She scraped and did without and made sure the money was there. Jimmy wanted to be a teacher, probably phys ed. Leisha wanted to go to a cosmetology school. Jonson wants to play sports for a living. I wanted to become a lawyer.”

  He stopped and stared out the diner window.

  “Go on.”

  “Being a lawyer takes a lot more money than just a few terms at a community college. I was going to go to school nights and work during the day and save up. It was difficult and I was ready to give up my dream. One night Jimmy came to me with an envelope of money, he had ca
shed out the money our mother saved for him, and showed me the papers he had signed to join the military. Jimmy figured he would come home and use the G.I. Bill for is education.”

  “He never said anything about that.” Callie glanced at her sleeping son.

  “Mama tried to argue but it was already a done deal, he had committed. Then she told me not to waste his generosity. I used the money to get me through four years and I applied to law schools. I filled out loan applications.” He wiped his eyes with the back of a hand. “When Jimmy died I quit school and came back home to help take care of Mama. I had already connected with the law firm so they gave me a job and at least I get to use what I had learned.”

  “You’re not planning to finish?”

  He shook his head. “My family needs me. I already took Jimmy away from them… and you.”

  “Jimmy knew what he wanted and he did want to make a difference. And if he wanted you to go to law school, that was what he wanted. Mama told you not to waste the opportunity. If you want to be a lawyer, then do it.” She laughed. “Besides, you were the one who told me that lawyers make big bucks, think of what you can spend on your family.”

  “I only said that to you out of anger.”

  She smiled.

  Weeks later Lawrence showed up at Callie’s door with a big smile.

  “What’s up? Is everything okay?” She looked at the time and realized he must have come over directly from work.

  “Everything is terrific.” He picked her up and swung her around. After putting her down he looked embarrassed. “I am so sorry.”

  “Uh, that’s okay. Whatever it is, it must be good.”

  He took her hand and went over to the couch to sit. “I spoke to the law school and they are going to let me pick up where I left off instead of starting over. And even better news, my job is going to help pay some of the expenses so long as I remain employed there, they are willing to cut the hours back, and I have to give them right of first refusal when I pass the bar.”

  “That’s wonderful news. I’m really happy for you.”

  “Thank you so much for the encouragement.” He ran a hand down her arm. “I want to tell Mama the news tonight. Will you and Jacob come with me?”

  “Okay.”

  Lawrence stared into her eyes and then at her mouth. He leaned down and gently placed a kiss on her lips. He drew in a deep breath when they separated.

  “I know you love Jimmy and I know he would not want you to stop living. I really needed to do that and I hope it was okay.”

  “We never love the same way twice, but human beings are capable of loving again.” This time Callie pulled Lawrence down to her and kissed him back. “I don’t know where this will go and whatever we do, we’ve got to go really slow.”

  He simply nodded.

  Lawrence went back to school and studied hard. Callie was proud of him and encouraged him even when it meant they didn’t have a lot of time to spend together. Jacob was happy sitting in his high chair next to “Unka Oornts” at Callie’s kitchen table and scribbled with a crayon (when he wasn’t trying to eat it) while Lawrence did his homework.

  They kept their growing attraction for each other at bay and were sure that nothing gave them away at the Bernerd-family Sunday dinners. Neither noticed mama’s glances.

  “Coming,” Callie put her napping son into his crib and hurried to answer the doorbell before it woke the little boy. She was expecting Lawrence, but he knew better than to ring the bell.

  “Yes?” She swung the door open without looking and regretted her impulse as soon as she saw who was there. “Mother!”

  Veronica Sanders didn’t respond to the familiar term. “Are you going to invite me in?”

  “What are you doing here?” Callie was stunned to see her mother; it was the first time since in almost a year, not since she went to her parents to tell them she was pregnant.

  Mrs. Sanders brushed past Callie and stood in the living room. “Sparse,” she walked over to the credenza and picked a picture up. “This is his son?”

  Callie closed the door after the intrusion. She saw her mother was holding the latest framed photo of Jacob. “Yes, that’s MY son, your grandson.”

  “Never my grandson, never.” She put the picture back on the credenza face down and sat on a chair. “Your father and I discussed this, it is time for you to come home.”

  “Home?” Callie up righted the picture frame and then sat on the couch facing her mother. After all the time that had passed she realized she didn’t feel any affection, she only remembered the feeling of rejection when her parents slammed the door on her and Jimmy.

  She sat on the couch and faced her mother. “I’m not uprooting my son…”

  “Of course not. That boy has a relationship with his father’s people, he can stay with them.”

  “What the hell are you suggesting?” Callie was irate.

  Mrs. Sanders dug into her purse and brought out an envelope. “There is a 50-thousand dollar check made out to cash. I imagine this should appeal to those people and they will be more than willing to take this child in.”

  Callie felt her cheeks grow warm, her breathing was deep and rapid. She stared angrily at her mother’s face and fought mouthing the cross words that ran through her mind.

  “Oh come on now,” Mrs. Sanders “He would certainly be better off with his own kind. He’s dark enough, if they raise him he might never even know that he is a product of your… alliance with his father.”

  “I am not giving up my son.”

  “You have a chance at a fresh start, you can leave all this nastiness behind you. Thank God that boy never returned —”

  “What!” Callie stood and shrieked. “How could you ever say something like that? Jimmy died over there. My son will never get to know his daddy. How cold can you possibly be?”

  “Cold? You were the one that destroyed our family by taking up with that, that…”

  “Don’t you dare say it!” Callie walked to the door and opened it. She never saw Lawrence on the other side preparing to knock. “I want you out of here, now.”

  Her mother’s gaze was fixed on the man standing in the doorway. “Another one?” She turned to Callie. “Why do you insist on causing your father and me embarrassment?”

  “The only one embarrassing you is yourself. You know you were right, Jacob never will be your grandson because I wouldn’t want him to know what kind of bigot he’s related to. And believe me, that is your loss because he is a beautiful child. Now get out of my home.”

  Lawrence was watching the exchange between the two women in silence when Mrs. Sanders walked up to him and poked him in the chest. “You don’t belong here.”

  Callie noticed Lawrence’s nostrils flare.

  “What’s going on here?” He looked between the two women.

  “This… person gave birth to me and as far as I’m concerned that is the extent of her being my mother. She is a cold-hearted bitch and a bigot. And she was just leaving.”

  “I wanted my daughter to come home,” Mrs. Sanders interjected.

  “Without Jacob.”

  “Without?” Lawrence looked at Callie and then at her mother. “What are you talking about?”

  “Who are you and why is this your business?” Callie could hear the distaste in her mother’s words.

  Lawrence took a deep breath and waited for Callie’s nod for approval. “My name is Lawrence Bernerd and,”

  “Bernerd?” Mrs. Sanders looked at Callie. “Wasn’t that boy’s name Bernerd?”

  “That boy —” he stopped momentarily, “was my brother.”

  Her mother went back into the living room and sat on the couch. “I am sure that you’ll agree how much better off your nephew will be if he stays here.”

  “You mean with a black family?”

  “Of course.” Mrs. Sanders looked at Callie. “And you can finally put all of this ugliness behind you.”

  “Mother!”

  Lawrence put his hand out
. “No Callie, she’s right… not too smart, but right.”

  Callie heard her mother gasp.

  He took Callie’s hand in his and spoke directly to her. “Why don’t you put all of the ugliness behind you? Jacob… and you will be better off staying here, with me.”

  “Lawrence?”

  “I love you, Callie. And I love Jacob. We can give him a good life,” He motioned towards Callie’s mother. “And you know you’ll be a lot happier without her around.”

  “Do you realize what a mistake you’ll be making? If you keep that child and, stay here with him, well then, you can forget where you came from. You will ruin any chances you had of ever coming home.”

  Callie smiled at Lawrence. “You know mother I have no desire to go back with you, that was never a home, it was a cold mausoleum. You always pretended to be happy and loving, it was never real. Yes Lawrence, we’re staying.”

  “You are no longer my daughter.”

  “Thank you. This really isn’t what I wanted, but then neither are you.” Her voice cracked.

  Mrs. Sanders pushed past both of them to leave and slammed the door behind her.

  Jacob let out a cry after the door slammed.

  “Are you okay?” He squeezed her hand gently.

  Callie nodded.

  “Let me see if I can get him back to sleep,” he went to the baby’s room leaving Callie alone in the living room.

  “Hey Mama,” Lawrence called out as he opened the door to his mom’s house. He was carrying Jacob, Callie entered right behind him. “Mama?”

  “What is all this noise Lawrence?” Mrs. Bernerd entered the room. “Oh, hello Callie. Is everything alright?”

  “Better than alright, Mama. We have some news to share.”

  The front door opened again and Leisha entered behind them. “What

  “What’s going on?” Leisha looked at the three of them. “Ooh come here, Jacob.” She took her nephew from her brother’s arms.

  “We have some news. Is Jonson here? May as well get everyone at once”